LovelyKaya33333

Hi all... as most of you know my exAH left me almost 5 months ago.... I decided I wanted to slowly out myself back out there. I had a few dates with a guy and liked him. So last night we decided to have an in home date. I didn't see any drinking problem with him before because he was driving and he doesn't even have 1 drink and drive... so I was feeling happy about that. Well last night we decided to spend the night together... so he wasn't driving anywhere... so I got some wine and he picked us up food....We were having a great night but..... This is where is turns... within 3 hours he had downed 2 bottles of wine by himself. He had red and I have white so I know... In the same amount of time I had less then 2 glasses of white wine....he had 2 entire bottles of red wine by himself... he was guzzling it like water... I also found out that the reason he doesn't drink and drive is because he has 2 prior DUIs.... next one he is going to jail.... So here is the good news... While I let him sleep it off at my house... I didn't sleep with him or next to him. I am totally turned off and won't be seeing him again. So I guess the good news is these red flags are actual red flags and I must have done a good amount of growth because I have no desire to rescue him or talk to him about it. Total deal breaker for me.

sage1969

Ugh. I'm glad you found out now before you'd spent much time or become emotionally attached.

It is really positive that you decided for yourself to date, and that you are taking such a balanced approach to how it turned out, especially that you were able to respond in a kind (by letting him sleep it off safely) but also assertive way (by recognising your boundaries and honoring them).

Good luck the next time around! There is an amount of filtering to do, but there are also nice people out there.

ironwill

Hi LK,

Sorry, about the bad dating experience. 2 bottles of wine in under 3 hours..WOW!. I'm glad you came out of the date seeing the red flags and have no desire to save him. You have truly grown in your knowledge of what is acceptable to you. Keep being strong.

PeacefulWater12

Nice job on your healing work so you could see it all.

trailmix

Don't you wish he just would have told you he's a problem drinker lol (that's probably kind of rare, although I have experienced that).

Yes, good for you for seeing it and ending it. Luckily this was early on in the dating, if circumstances had been different you might have progressed quite a way before discovering this. I mean if he was willing to take it this far without drinking, how much longer could he have gone?

lol - which is not to say that every date is a potential alcoholic, but it is a deal breaker for you so maybe talking about alcohol early on wouldn't be a bad thing?

sage1969

TBH, I'm very up front with everyone with whom I spend time, whether family, friend, or date -- I'm committed to remaining sober / clean, and I don't want to spend time around anyone who isn't. It makes things much more simple.

choublak

I hate dating.

choublak

I used to think I had to assume that, in order to protect myself.

choublak

I straight up ask off the bat if they have any drug/alcohol issues. The way they react to that question is sometimes answer enough.

LovelyKaya33333

Me too... It will be my last one for a while. Took all the energy out of me

velma929

Bravo! You saw the signs, and made a smart decision! You didn't decide it was an aberration. You haven't decided to look for his 'potential.' You didn't view him as a project.

Sigh. You may kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. I dated three years before I found Current Guy. That wasn't a lot of dates, BTW only about 31. (Yes, I counted) You're young. You'll get many more dates than I did in my mid 50s.

velma929

Someone who didn't have a problem would deny it. Someone who did have a problem would deny it. When I suspected it, I didn't ask. Getting anxious because we couldn't have drinks with a quick supper at a diner one mile from my house told me what I needed to know. When I called it quits, I didn't tell him it was the booze. I just said we didn't have enough in common. No point getting into an argument about it.

choublak

How do you know it was the drinks he was getting anxious about, unless he literally says that? I’m asking because I don’t think I’d be able to pick up on it otherwise.

PeacefulWater12

I think this as well, the fact that alkies hide it means loudly and clearly that they know it is a problem and unacceptable to people.

If they thought it was ok, they wouldn't hide it.

velma929

He DID literally ask if the place served alcohol, and when told no, asked if we could go into the adjacent convenience store, buy our own bottle, and bring it in. He made it really easy.

honeypig

I remember a post here a number of years ago from a member who went by the name of Wisconsin. She had ended her marriage to an A and was dipping her toe in the waters of dating. I may not have all the details right any more, but the gist of the post was this:

She had met someone she was interested in via an online dating site and wanted to set up an initial meeting. In the interest of being safe, she asked him to meet her at a local park, near the children's play area, so there would be other folks around. She got to the park and waited a bit. Then along came Mr. Online Guy. Oh, EXCELLENT! He had a huge go-cup of beer in his hand! They chit chatted for a few moments, during which time Wisconsin was trying to think of a polite way to say "I'm outta here!" Turns out she didn't even have to do that, b/c Mr. Dream Date asked her if she'd hold his beer while he went into the wooded area nearby to pee. What a class act, right? She took the beer, watched him walk away, and when he was out of sight, set the beer down and got out of Dodge.

Simply remarkable that someone hadn't snapped up such a find as that one....NOT!

choublak

Ah, okay. Here’s a red flag story for you. It was St. Patrick’s Day weekend and my then-boyfriend were living in Chicago. This was before I knew he was an alcoholic. He had wanted to try this restaurant and bar place with a fireplace inside. We had talked about going there, but never really made any plans that were written in stone, and we didn’t call to make a reservation or anything. So we had talked about how maybe we could go to that restaurant like the following day. However, on the following day we made tacos and ate them at home, and we also had plans to go to see a comedy show at a club that evening. I didn’t think we would be able to eat at the restaurant, besides, I didn’t think it made much sense to eat a bunch of tacos, and then a couple of hours later go and eat at the restaurant, and then go to the comedy club, but that’s what he wanted to do for some reason? He wanted to go to that restaurant and “have a nice time“...he was always talking about “having a nice time” even though he would be smashed for most of the things he wanted to “have a nice time” at.

So we made and ate the tacos, and I decided to go get ready for the comedy club. Maybe I should have communicated a little bit better, or asked questions, but I didn’t. So we ended up skipping the restaurant, and it ended up being my fault somehow. I didn’t think skipping the restaurant was that big of a deal, but he did. I don’t really know why. I just remember we were standing in line waiting for the comedy club to open up. We were standing in line with a bunch of other people waiting to go into the comedy club. And he was angry at me for some reason. He kept mumbling under his breath, “every f-ing time, you do this.” I’m guessing he meant taking a long time to get ready, but I really don’t know. I just remember feeling bad that he was mad at me. Looking back, I’m sure it had something to do with alcohol and he was mad that he had to wait a whole 2 to 3 hours for the complimentary drinks from the comedy club.

OKRunner

I'm proud of you for seeing the big red flag on the in-home date.

I've not tried dating yet and am still laying low for awhile but I've thought about it and I'm wondering how that's (someday) going to go. Like if he orders wine or beer at dinner, is that an absolute no go? Or, do I just come out and ask about drinking frequency and habits? But what if they lie? I mean, my Q said he wasn't an alcoholic all the time. All the time.

My point is, wouldn't it be nice for people like me if there was a dating app that only accepted people who don't drink or use substances or have any addictions so that at least that issue would be out of the way? Sure, then you'd still have to match personalities, chemistries, intelligence, hobbies, and on and on, but at least one of the biggest issues would be out of the way.

Also, it's taken me some time in individual therapy and on this sub to figure out who I actually am and what I want. Don't you kind of only want someone else who has made it to this stage -- meaning someone who has spent time in therapy and knows what they want and also what they don't want ... I feel like I only want to date that type of person. So there should be an app for this too. Like a "no alcohol or substance" dating app and/or an "I've recovered from my Q and I'm been in therapy for awhile and I've got a really good head on my shoulders now and I'd like to meet someone similar" dating app.

Is there something like this? Asking for a friend.

sage1969

So I did try a couple different dating apps (then got bored with them and deleted them), but on all the ones I tried there were profile questions about alcohol, drugs, smoking, and marijuana, and varying levels of use or none at all. So I think if you wanted you could be specific, and I did actually talk with several people who said they were substance free (you'd still have to do your due diligence when meeting to decide if there's full honesty).