What is an acceptable level of drinking? Am I the one who is uptight?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 19
What is an acceptable level of drinking? Am I the one who is uptight?
You can look back on my previous posts to see my "adventures" with my gf.
Long story short, we have went to a few couples counseling sessions with different therapists where they were all in agreement that she had a major drinking problem and needed help. She didn't want to do any type of program, instead deciding that she wanted to take a medication route along with seeing a substance abuse counselor.
It's been about a month and she's been cutting down, but has made it very clear to me that she has zero desire to quit drinking completely. Her goal is to no longer binge drink, but still be able to have 2-4 drinks on her days off, and more on special occasions and when out with people.
Lately she's been having two large glasses of wine on her days off. There was a day the past week where we had a dinner outing with friends and she had 3 beers before we left, and drank more there, but typically she's been keeping it to 2-3 drinks, 3-4 nights a week.
The thing is........it still bothers me. I don't think I can ever understand the need for drinking alcohol at home alone to relax. I grew up in a household where that never happened. My parents never drank a drop at home, and alcohol was always treated as something for holidays, special occasions, celebrations, or when we had company over.
Her continued drinking, even while less, still bothers me and makes me nervous about the future of the relationship. It escalating back to how it was, etc.
She has told me that if I can't accept her still wanting to drink, then we shouldn't be together. It's just hard coming to terms with that.
Am I the one who is too uptight? When I look at other relationships, for example cousins, their partners don't sit around and drink on nights and weekends, they fill their time in other healthier ways.
My gut feeling is telling me that this relationship is never going to work, and that it will always bother me. Maybe given my views of alcohol, I need to be with someone who either doesn't drink, or is a very light drinker.
Long story short, we have went to a few couples counseling sessions with different therapists where they were all in agreement that she had a major drinking problem and needed help. She didn't want to do any type of program, instead deciding that she wanted to take a medication route along with seeing a substance abuse counselor.
It's been about a month and she's been cutting down, but has made it very clear to me that she has zero desire to quit drinking completely. Her goal is to no longer binge drink, but still be able to have 2-4 drinks on her days off, and more on special occasions and when out with people.
Lately she's been having two large glasses of wine on her days off. There was a day the past week where we had a dinner outing with friends and she had 3 beers before we left, and drank more there, but typically she's been keeping it to 2-3 drinks, 3-4 nights a week.
The thing is........it still bothers me. I don't think I can ever understand the need for drinking alcohol at home alone to relax. I grew up in a household where that never happened. My parents never drank a drop at home, and alcohol was always treated as something for holidays, special occasions, celebrations, or when we had company over.
Her continued drinking, even while less, still bothers me and makes me nervous about the future of the relationship. It escalating back to how it was, etc.
She has told me that if I can't accept her still wanting to drink, then we shouldn't be together. It's just hard coming to terms with that.
Am I the one who is too uptight? When I look at other relationships, for example cousins, their partners don't sit around and drink on nights and weekends, they fill their time in other healthier ways.
My gut feeling is telling me that this relationship is never going to work, and that it will always bother me. Maybe given my views of alcohol, I need to be with someone who either doesn't drink, or is a very light drinker.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
What really matters is how much drinking you feel is too much. You are self - aware enough, it sounds, that you know where are your boundaries and what you can and cannot live with.
So there it is. You've answered your own questions, right here.
I've learnt through plenty of hard knocks, to go with my gut feelings, my intuition.
If you can't understand living in that way, and it's not right for you, don't settle for less than what you need to live a good life.
There are plenty of people out there who live a sober and clean life. There's nothing wrong with choosing that life. If someone makes you feel wrong, perhaps it's time to let that person go, and spend time with people who hold the same values as you.
Originally Posted by rmusic88 
My gut feeling is telling me that this relationship is never going to work, and that it will always bother me. Maybe given my views of alcohol, I need to be with someone who either doesn't drink, or is a very light drinker.
I've learnt through plenty of hard knocks, to go with my gut feelings, my intuition.
If you can't understand living in that way, and it's not right for you, don't settle for less than what you need to live a good life.
There are plenty of people out there who live a sober and clean life. There's nothing wrong with choosing that life. If someone makes you feel wrong, perhaps it's time to let that person go, and spend time with people who hold the same values as you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Frankly, I am probably the wrong one to ask about "acceptable" levels of alcohol use.
I am well aware that AA discourages a teetotalism mindset. They think we should be "cool" if others want to drink.
The trouble is, no one ever posts on these pages ANY good outcome from the use of alcohol, no matter the amount.
I joined the Womens' Christian Temperance Union this year (yes, they let men join) and signed a pledge that I would never use any alcohol or drugs for the rest of my life.
Like I said, I am probably the wrong one to ask.
I am well aware that AA discourages a teetotalism mindset. They think we should be "cool" if others want to drink.
The trouble is, no one ever posts on these pages ANY good outcome from the use of alcohol, no matter the amount.
I joined the Womens' Christian Temperance Union this year (yes, they let men join) and signed a pledge that I would never use any alcohol or drugs for the rest of my life.
Like I said, I am probably the wrong one to ask.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I think if it bothers you - whether anyone would think that is over-reacting is beside the point. For what it's worth, I don't think you are.
She has a drinking problem. You already do know that and you have never been comfortable around it, that hasn't changed. I think you are just having a hard time letting go of the relationship. That's understandable, she probably has some really great attributes or you wouldn't have been dating her to start with, but drinking is a big deal when everyone is not on board the beer ship.
She has been very honest with you. This is where she stands. You, on the other hand don't like to be around people who are drinking a lot and that's not something you are comfortable with in a partner. You're right, this will never work, not now, not ever.
At the very least it's a good thing that she hasn't tried to string you along with promises of quitting, that could have gone on for years, do kudos to her for being honest and to you for recognizing what you don't want in a relationship.
Time to act, time for you to be truthful with her.
She has a drinking problem. You already do know that and you have never been comfortable around it, that hasn't changed. I think you are just having a hard time letting go of the relationship. That's understandable, she probably has some really great attributes or you wouldn't have been dating her to start with, but drinking is a big deal when everyone is not on board the beer ship.
It's been about a month and she's been cutting down, but has made it very clear to me that she has zero desire to quit drinking completely. Her goal is to no longer binge drink, but still be able to have 2-4 drinks on her days off, and more on special occasions and when out with people.
At the very least it's a good thing that she hasn't tried to string you along with promises of quitting, that could have gone on for years, do kudos to her for being honest and to you for recognizing what you don't want in a relationship.
Time to act, time for you to be truthful with her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
If her drinking bothers you, then she's not the right partner for you.
More than a couple drinks a day interferes with calcium absorption for women, so her drinking could very well set her up for problems far down the road. If you're health-conscious and she's not, that's another reason to move on.
You're not uptight. You know what you want, you know what lifestyle you want, and it sounds like this isn't it. Some people only drink of special occasions, some don't drink at all. I know recovering alcoholics who won't even cook with wine, the premise being that even the taste can trigger cravings for alcohol again. So, no Bernaise sauce, no wine in the marinara.
That she's aware this bothers you and she says she has no intention of quitting says something about how she values a relationship to her partner, and how much she values her relationship to alcohol.
More than a couple drinks a day interferes with calcium absorption for women, so her drinking could very well set her up for problems far down the road. If you're health-conscious and she's not, that's another reason to move on.
You're not uptight. You know what you want, you know what lifestyle you want, and it sounds like this isn't it. Some people only drink of special occasions, some don't drink at all. I know recovering alcoholics who won't even cook with wine, the premise being that even the taste can trigger cravings for alcohol again. So, no Bernaise sauce, no wine in the marinara.
That she's aware this bothers you and she says she has no intention of quitting says something about how she values a relationship to her partner, and how much she values her relationship to alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 10
Sorry to hear you are going through this.
unfortunately I have faced a similar situation with my AH.
and guess what, you’re not being uptight. If the drinking bothers you, it’s not ok. And the fact that she refuses to stop drinking just shows how much of a problem her drinking actually is.
don’t change your boundaries just to appease her. The problem with alcoholism is, it’s a progressive disease and it will never gets better, only worse unless it’s treated and the person stays sober. An alcoholic can’t have just one drink, they cannot have anything.
please be safe and take care of yourself, your safety and mental well-being needs to come first. From my experience with my AH, unfortunately the disease makes them very selfish people.
Prayers that you find peace.
unfortunately I have faced a similar situation with my AH.
and guess what, you’re not being uptight. If the drinking bothers you, it’s not ok. And the fact that she refuses to stop drinking just shows how much of a problem her drinking actually is.
don’t change your boundaries just to appease her. The problem with alcoholism is, it’s a progressive disease and it will never gets better, only worse unless it’s treated and the person stays sober. An alcoholic can’t have just one drink, they cannot have anything.
please be safe and take care of yourself, your safety and mental well-being needs to come first. From my experience with my AH, unfortunately the disease makes them very selfish people.
Prayers that you find peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 12
been there.... recently
Was in the exact situation as you and just posted about 4-5 days ago. Mine was drinking 4-5 glasses per night of wine/champagne at 6-7 nights a week and thought absolutely nothing wrong of it. Bringing up my concern and that I didn't care for being around that excessive of frequency and amount only caused friction and would only continue to cause friction. From everything I've read and talked to people on here, the problem isn't going anywhere. I truly think the only way for it to go is up because they chase that buzz. And eventually what they're drinking now won't cut it anymore. I got out of it and am just keeping in my mind how precious time is and that I could have wasted the next 4-5 years of my life dealing with the ups and downs of it. We owe it to ourselves to set OUR boundaries. Maybe they don't think they're drinking too much, but WE do. We can't change someones drinking habits, but what we can do is remove ourselves from the situation. If I were you I would walk. You've set your boundaries and made your wants known. She and my ex both don't care. Their number 1 relationship will always be the bottle. You just have to decide if you're ok playing second fiddle to that. I was not and I'm improving every day with it! Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
As others have noted the fact that you are thinking about it her drinking probably is too much. Alcohol isn't a necssity.
Keep in mind alcoholics are selfish people, become or are good manipulators & liars. The aging alcoholic gets uglier physically and mentally Things will not get better until the alcoholic actually wants to/does stop.
You will wind up playing soccer mom having to drive them around after they lose their license or realize they shouldn't be driving.
Yeah, RUN
Keep in mind alcoholics are selfish people, become or are good manipulators & liars. The aging alcoholic gets uglier physically and mentally Things will not get better until the alcoholic actually wants to/does stop.
You will wind up playing soccer mom having to drive them around after they lose their license or realize they shouldn't be driving.
Yeah, RUN
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