Funtimeslost

I'm so lost and dead inside. I don't even know how to start this(as I'm crying). Long story short we have on and off for 7 years (a few of those long distance) but we have been together now consistently for 3 years and bought a house together 2 years ago(in my name tho because his credit sucks), engaged for 2 years. We never use to fight. Within the last year we have been fighting a lot due to his drinking buddies(I call buddies not friends) that are about half his age and money. Most of them in their early-mid 20's some maybe 30 my A is 41. I call them kids, they have no responsibilities, either live with mom, dad, grandma, etc, or some kinda family member. One or 2 of them have an apartment. They are also all single. For the most part as I said no responsibilities as we own a home and he became disinterested in doing homeowner things, taking care of the yard, mowing the lawn, etc, even taking out the garbage. His only concern was the drinking and partying and spending about $400 a weekend, that's not including drinking throughout the week. He would also go on drinking binges from Friday nite to Sunday. We would go to the bar and he pretty much invites the whole bar over to out house. Cars everywhere, lawn in front other side of the sidewalk, music going til 5/6 am during the week. He would always call in 1-2 times a week. I'm sure our neighbors hated us. We have a heated garage and a bar above it. He likes to be the center of everything. Our fights since meeting these kids was money and always drinking, the drinking was getting worse. He would start to go out without me and not say a word. Just recently just over a month ago he was drinking all weekend(3 day weekend) in the 3rd day(work the next day) he rolled his truck(I don't say accident I call it the fu#k up) he was drunk and being stupid lost control of the truck and rolled. Me, his dad and son cleaned up the area the day, partially in front of a business and a house. Went to jail I bailed him out said this was a wake up call(I didn't really believe it but encouraged him and gave him the benefit of the doubt) Maybe he was trying to tell himself that. Did good for 2 weeks saying he didn't even want to drink. After that 2 weeks he brought home a case of beer and something for me saying he just wanted to drink with his wife(me) like we use to and have a bonfire. As it got later its like a switch(I can literally see him change) his whole demeanor changed, I know the signs when he's had enough and needs to go to the bar. Starts making drunk calls, music changes and louder. Well he ended up going to a rave that night after he swore to me it was just going to be us. Well that was a lie. A few weeks ago he left me all of the sudden out of no where, no warning. Staying with a friend of that does earlier this year his gf house(she's the only one who has a place of her own) He stops by the house on the weekends maybe to grab a tool nothing else. And a couple times throughout the week, I am work during the week when he come and grabs one more tool. I know this because have cameras on the house and he flips me off. I took access away from him as he left me and says he doesn't live here anymore. Tattoos are more important then mortgage or bills. On his payday which is weekly I asked him for money to pay the bills he said "it's your house you pay them". So I took him off car insurance and the cameras. Mind you I paid for the motorcycle(took out money from my retirement early to get him the bike for us), the truck he wrecked and another truck since could not drive the wrecked truck. Stupid me those are in his name, spent lots of money(got screwed on that). Also bought a camper, but that's in my name. He spent all my money all my savings and inheritance. When he stopped by the house(again why keep coming if you left) I asked if we could talk. He said about what.... Seriously! He said he was not happy, doesn't need a mom, does not need someone to tell him not to drink, that all I do is nothing, he's tired of it that he likes to go out and we're just 2 different people. That he is also tired of me bitching about money all the time(that has only been within the last year, never before). Really after 7 years you say this. I said we use to have fun... His reply "did we", we use to go out all the time.... "did we". I have demons and sometimes drinking triggers that as well as he does but it is OK for him but not me. He blames his drinking and everything on me he said. He has not taken anything but a couple tools, no clothes, shoes or anything. Why keep dragging this on, he is the one who left me. I didn't kick him out. Oh my bad he took a pair of contacts. Everyone has told him that they have never seen him happier. If he's so unhappy how come people who know him well say just the opposite. He has so much hatred for me right now. He has always I'm so lost and dead inside. I don't even know how to start this(as I'm crying). Long story short we have on and off for 7 years (a few of those long distance) but we have been together now consistently for 3 years and bought a house together years ago(in my name tho because his credit sucks) 2, engaged for 2 years. We never use to fight. Within the last year we have been fighting a lot due to his drinking buddies(I call buddies not friends) that are about half his age and money. Most of them in their early-mid 20's some maybe 30 my A is 41. I call them kids, they have no responsibilities, either live with mom, dad, grandma, etc, or some kinda family member. One or 2 of them have an apartment. They are also all single. For the most part as I said no responsibilities as we own a home and he became disinterested in doing homeowner things, taking care of the yard, mowing the lawn, etc, even taking out the garbage. His only concern was the drinking and partying and spending about $400 a weekend, that's not including drinking throughout the week. He would also go on drinking binges from Friday nite to Sunday. We would go to the bar and he pretty much invites the whole bar over to out house. We have a heated garage and a bar above it. He likes to be the center of everything. Our fights since meeting these kids was money and always drinking, the drinking was getting worse. He would start to go out without me and not say a word. Just recently just over a month ago he was drinking all weekend(3 day weekend) in the 3rd day(work the next day) he rolled his truck(I don't say accident I call it the fu#k up) he was drunk and being stupid lost control of the truck and rolled. Went to jail I bailed him out said this was a wake up call(I didn't really believe it) I think he kept trying to tell himself that. Did good for 2 weeks saying he didn't even want to drink. After that 2 weeks he brought home a case of beer and something for me saying he just wanted to drink with his wife(me) like we use to and have a bonfire. As it got later its like a switch(I can literally see him change) his whole demeanor changed, I know the signs when he's had enough and needs to go to the bar. Starts making drunk calls, music changes and louder. Well he ended up going to a rave that night after he swore to me it was just going to be us. Well that was a lie. A few weeks ago he left me all of the sudden out of no where, no warning. Staying with a friend of that does earlier this year his gf house(she's the only one who has a place of her own) He stops by the house on the weekends maybe to grab a tool nothing else. And a couple times throughout the week, I am work during the week when he come and grabs one more tool. I know this because have cameras on the house and he flips me off(2x last week). I took access away from him as he left me and says he doesn't live here anymore. Tattoos are more important then mortgage or bills. On his payday which is weekly I asked him for money to pay the bills he said "it's your house you pay them". So I took him off car insurance and the cameras. Mind you I paid for the motorcycle(took out money from my retirement early to get him the bike for us), the truck he wrecked and another truck since could not drive the wrecked truck. Stupid me those are in his name, spent lots of money(got screwed on that). Also bought a camper, but that's in my name. He spent all my money all my savings and inheritance. When he stopped by the house(again why keep coming if you left) I asked if we could talk. He said about what.... Seriously! He said he was not happy, doesn't need a mom, does not need someone to tell him not to drink, that all I do is nothing, he's tired of it that he likes to go out and we're just 2 different people. That he is also tired of me bitching about money all the time(that has only been within the last year, never before). Really after 7 years you say this. I said we use to have fun... His reply "did we", we use to go out all the time.... "did we". I have demons and sometimes drinking triggers that as well as he does but it is OK for him but not me. He blames his drinking and everything on me he said. He has not taken anything but a couple tools, no clothes, shoes or anything. Why keep dragging this on, he is the one who left me. I didn't kick him out. Oh my bad he took a pair of contacts. Everyone has told him that they have never seen him happier. If he's so unhappy how come people who know him well say just the opposite. He has so much hatred for me right now. He has always told me he loves me, that he is thankful for all that I do, thank you for being you, I am his rock. Said it about a week before he left as well, then boom GONE!! I know he's going thru a lot with court dates coming up, but why treat me like this. I haven't changed. I keep replaying in my head what the hell did I do wrong. I hope all this makes sense, as I am not in the right state of mind. So much more to say but so hard to write it all down. I have thought now for months about going to an al-anon meeting, but kinda scares me. me he loves me, that he is thankful for all that I do, thank you for being you, I am his rock. Said it about a week before he left as well, then boom GONE!! I know he's going thru a lot with court dates coming up, but why treat me like this. I haven't changed. I keep replaying in my head what the hell did I do wrong. I hope all this makes sense, as I am not in the right state of mind. So much more to say but so hard to write it all down. I have thought now for months about going to an al-anon meeting, but kinda scares me. He's blocked me on the phone but not facebook🤷‍♀️

Funtimeslost

I wanted to add I'm not the best with writing, maybe thats why I didn't do so well in English. I have so much going on in my head, I can't make it stop.

trailmix

Hi Fun, sorry this has happened, I'm sure you're hurting. Your writing is just fine but if you put spaces between paragraphs it is easier to read.

First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. The 3 c's.

I'm sure you're reeling but you know, this sounds like typical alcoholic behaviour really. He sees you talking to him about his drinking as a threat to his addiction (which is progressive) and sadly, that makes you the enemy. That's the way addiction works unfortunately.

I would really recommend that you read around this forum, you will probably find a lot of threads that resonate with you. Also the classic reading threads (found in the stickies section at the top of this forum):

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You'll get a lot of support here.

sage1969

Ugh, what a difficult time for you. I'm so sorry. I recognise it all. What you describe could easily be my deceased AH, the financial stresses, totaling 2 vehicles in the same month, tons of legal issues, nasty words and attitudes . . . it was hard for me to read your original post (OP), because I had to live that way once before I changed my story and how I live.

Trailmix made a good suggestion, to start reading all the resources and stickies. If you can find an AlAnon meeting, even if you find one online, that support can be really helpful.

Maybe also start considering what you need to do for you. It sounds as if you might need to consider how you'll protect your finances if you're still married; if it's your home in your name and you pay the mortgage, change the locks and arrange a deadline for him to get the rest of his stuff; find ways for you to try to find some peace and healing in all this; maybe start writing down how you want to live and what you need to do to make that happen for you.

edoering

You likely haven’t changed. But alcoholism is progressive. He’s likely changed. Alcoholics tend to blame everyone around them before they face the drinking (if they ever do).

Please do not take all this chaos to heart. I don’t think you have any reason to fear an Al-Anon meeting! If you’ve been thinking about it, this is a great time to go. When it is this hard and you realize you need some extra help. Keep yourself safe and sane, and that may mean keeping away from him.

advbike

None of this is your fault. He is an alcoholic, plain and simple, and it will only get worse. Just do what you have to do to protect yourself. It sounds like you you took steps already - good job! You sound very capable and can move on from this.

ironwill

Hi Fun,

Sorry for what brings you here. Don't worry about your english it is fine. I know you feel sad, lost, and trying to figure out what happen to the man you feel in love with 7 years ago. You are trying to figure out an alcoholic. Trust me , you won't be able too. No matter what you say to them and I'm sure you have told him hundreds of time how his drinking affects you. Nothing will change until the alcoholic wants to change.

He has shown you that he doesn't want to change. Not even the wake up call of rolling his truck and being put in jail, has convinced him that he needs to seek help of some sort. He tried to cold turkey and lasted two weeks. Then makes a terrible excuse for why he brought alcohol back into your life. "After that 2 weeks he brought home a case of beer and something for me saying he just wanted to drink with his wife(me) like we use to and have a bonfire." That is not the romantic thing a spouse wants to hear. He just wanted you to drink, so he could justify his drinking. This was all about the alcohol his first love.
You are still the same loving, caring wife who loved to go out on outing with him. You have shown this with everything you have done for him. He is the person who has changed. Since you don't like his drinking he must discredit everything you say. I know it hurts when they say stuff like that. It makes you feel like, did any of this past 7 years mean anything. You can't fathom why they would say such a thing. The person you married is not saying it, that would be the alcohol talking. I know you want answers, apologies, even a simple I'm Sorry. You will most likely never get any of these things. As long as he is drinking it is only going to get worse.

You did nothing wrong! I know you feel like, what could i have done different to avoid this all. The answer is nothing. Like Trailmix said "First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. The 3 c's" You told him how you felt about his drinking. That was all you could do. The rest was up to him.

You need to start focusing on yourself. I know you care about him, but he has shown you that he doesn't care or want anything to do with you "cameras on the house and he flips me off(2x last week )" (not the thing you do to someone you care or love). You said you have been thinking about going to AL-Anon. I know it sounds scary, but if you find the right group, it can be such a great feeling knowing like you are not the only one dealing with this. The group I am in was so open and friendly made me feel welcome the first week I was there. I agree with Sage1969 and that you need to protect your self financially and personally.

I know you feel lost, but we are here to help you through this sad and confusing time. There are a lot of smart, caring people on this forum that can help you get past this. Just keep coming back and know that you are strong and that you will get through this.

Bernadette

I hope all this makes sense, as I am not in the right state of mind. So much more to say but so hard to write it all down. I have thought now for months about going to an al-anon meeting, but kinda scares me.

Yes it all makes sense - just remember "sense" when you're riding on a train being driven by an Alcohol Conductor actually makes NO sense!

You sound like a very strong, capable, forgiving, and loving person.

He's an alcoholic - all the usual rules, manners, reciprocation, trust, kindness, etc., of a normal human relationship go out the window if you're in love w/ an addict - and our love is not enough to make it right. It can't be done (or none of us would be here on this forum).

AlAnon really turned my head around for the better! Try it. If there is more than one meeting in your area try them all - each group has a different vibe - but even if the first meeting feels kind of weird give it a second go - getting familiar with the way the meetings help us non-alcoholics and the tools that AlAnon provides takes a bit of time - what do you have to lose?

A combination of AlAnon, reading lots of books about addiction and co-dependence, private counseling, and this forum, continue to keep me focused on the things I CAN change in my life. And that is a freedom you will never want to give up once you get a proper taste of it.

That past is gone: you are free in this moment.

Peace,
B.