Help - Alcoholic Husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 10
Help - Alcoholic Husband
Hi all,
I am new to this forum. I joined as I thought it may be helpful to be part of a group of people who have gone through the same problems I am facing.
my husband is an alcoholic. He won’t admit it and definitely doesn’t think he has a problem. A couple years ago, I told him his drinking made me uncomfortable, and he flew off the handle and started throwing bottles of alcohol around the house, went to the kitchen sink and started pouring them out screaming at me “if I was an alcoholic, how would I be able to throw out the booze!”
since then, he drinks in secret. In his garage, in our basement. I’ve found empty liquor bottles many times, and his garage is full of empties.
he maintains that he isn’t drinking, however I am tired of being lied to. Last night he blew up on me for no reason, telling me to leave the house and that he never wanted to see me again. I can always tell he’s been drinking as his eyes change and they are just plain scary looking. He will also slur his words, which he says is because he’s “tired” (yeah right). Just this morning, I came downstairs and found a bottle of liquor hidden behind our couch.
I am wondering if I should confront him about this?
I want to say thank you in advance, I am hoping that this group will be helpful.
I am new to this forum. I joined as I thought it may be helpful to be part of a group of people who have gone through the same problems I am facing.
my husband is an alcoholic. He won’t admit it and definitely doesn’t think he has a problem. A couple years ago, I told him his drinking made me uncomfortable, and he flew off the handle and started throwing bottles of alcohol around the house, went to the kitchen sink and started pouring them out screaming at me “if I was an alcoholic, how would I be able to throw out the booze!”
since then, he drinks in secret. In his garage, in our basement. I’ve found empty liquor bottles many times, and his garage is full of empties.
he maintains that he isn’t drinking, however I am tired of being lied to. Last night he blew up on me for no reason, telling me to leave the house and that he never wanted to see me again. I can always tell he’s been drinking as his eyes change and they are just plain scary looking. He will also slur his words, which he says is because he’s “tired” (yeah right). Just this morning, I came downstairs and found a bottle of liquor hidden behind our couch.
I am wondering if I should confront him about this?
I want to say thank you in advance, I am hoping that this group will be helpful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Hi, Dawn. Welcome and so sorry to hear what you are going through. The people here are soooo helpful. I recommend starting with reading some of the stickies at the top of this forum, and searching keywords for posts like yours also.
I think that might help the most, because my honest gut reaction to your post was “get out and get safe.” Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and he already seems to be lashing out in physically aggressive ways which worries me! And, as so many have experienced, if you’ve already told him and he’s denying it, he’s not ready to change or work on recovery, and no amount of confronting him will change that. However, the stickies and similar posts may have a lot more wisdom for you that you may find helpful!
I think that might help the most, because my honest gut reaction to your post was “get out and get safe.” Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and he already seems to be lashing out in physically aggressive ways which worries me! And, as so many have experienced, if you’ve already told him and he’s denying it, he’s not ready to change or work on recovery, and no amount of confronting him will change that. However, the stickies and similar posts may have a lot more wisdom for you that you may find helpful!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
The only way an addict (booze or any other drug) will quit is if they want to.
It is science. The addict will lie, adjust, arrange, error, apologize, promise etc etc. But, they will still use. Addicts are pretty much certifiably insane.
Getting clean hurts physically and mentally in the beginning. Then the mental anguish ramps up. The brain essentially has to rewire around permanently damaged neuro pathways. The addict will do anything to get the fix.
From an emotional point of view folks that don't drink must weather the storm and be on guard for dangerous mental/physical attacks.
There is so much more and many folks, including folks here, see things differently.
Prayers for your addict to see the truth.
Prayers for your mental and physical well being.
Thanks.
It is science. The addict will lie, adjust, arrange, error, apologize, promise etc etc. But, they will still use. Addicts are pretty much certifiably insane.
Getting clean hurts physically and mentally in the beginning. Then the mental anguish ramps up. The brain essentially has to rewire around permanently damaged neuro pathways. The addict will do anything to get the fix.
From an emotional point of view folks that don't drink must weather the storm and be on guard for dangerous mental/physical attacks.
There is so much more and many folks, including folks here, see things differently.
Prayers for your addict to see the truth.
Prayers for your mental and physical well being.
Thanks.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dawn, my suggestiion is not to confront him----because he has already been confrontedand he gave you his response===he became aggressive and continued to drink in secret.
By the way, his "secret" is not REALLY a secret at all. You know he is drinking and he also knows that he is drinking. You both know it.
He iis just hoping that he can lie to you and keep you off of his bck about it. He is trying to protect his ability to drink. I thiink that this indicates how much denial that he is in. He is not ready to stop drinking
Another reqson that aI say that I don\t suggest not confronting him is the amount of agression that he has shown when you did confront him...and, the fact that the aggression has grown worse as his drinking has continued.
One basic fact about alcoholism is that it is PROGRESSIVE.....meaning that it grows wrose as time goes on. I predict that you can expect him to becomr more angry and aggressive toward you as time goes on. I am concerned about your safety if you confront him in his face, agaiin.
I am quite concerned for your safety. The more he protgresses in his alcohollism, the less able you will be to predict his behavior. Your safety must come first, in my opiinion.
Dawn, I am glad that you found this forum, and I think it might help us to respond to you if we had a bit more information about your circumstance.
For example.....have you been married for a long time or not? Are there children involved in your family? Do you work outside of the home? etc.
By the way, his "secret" is not REALLY a secret at all. You know he is drinking and he also knows that he is drinking. You both know it.
He iis just hoping that he can lie to you and keep you off of his bck about it. He is trying to protect his ability to drink. I thiink that this indicates how much denial that he is in. He is not ready to stop drinking
Another reqson that aI say that I don\t suggest not confronting him is the amount of agression that he has shown when you did confront him...and, the fact that the aggression has grown worse as his drinking has continued.
One basic fact about alcoholism is that it is PROGRESSIVE.....meaning that it grows wrose as time goes on. I predict that you can expect him to becomr more angry and aggressive toward you as time goes on. I am concerned about your safety if you confront him in his face, agaiin.
I am quite concerned for your safety. The more he protgresses in his alcohollism, the less able you will be to predict his behavior. Your safety must come first, in my opiinion.
Dawn, I am glad that you found this forum, and I think it might help us to respond to you if we had a bit more information about your circumstance.
For example.....have you been married for a long time or not? Are there children involved in your family? Do you work outside of the home? etc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Dawn, my suggestiion is not to confront him----because he has already been confrontedand he gave you his response===he became aggressive and continued to drink in secret.
By the way, his "secret" is not REALLY a secret at all. You know he is drinking and he also knows that he is drinking. You both know it.
He iis just hoping that he can lie to you and keep you off of his bck about it. He is trying to protect his ability to drink. I thiink that this indicates how much denial that he is in. He is not ready to stop drinking
Another reqson that aI say that I don\t suggest not confronting him is the amount of agression that he has shown when you did confront him...and, the fact that the aggression has grown worse as his drinking has continued.
One basic fact about alcoholism is that it is PROGRESSIVE.....meaning that it grows wrose as time goes on. I predict that you can expect him to becomr more angry and aggressive toward you as time goes on. I am concerned about your safety if you confront him in his face, agaiin.
I am quite concerned for your safety. The more he protgresses in his alcohollism, the less able you will be to predict his behavior. Your safety must come first, in my opiinion.
Dawn, I am glad that you found this forum, and I think it might help us to respond to you if we had a bit more information about your circumstance.
For example.....have you been married for a long time or not? Are there children involved in your family? Do you work outside of the home? etc.
By the way, his "secret" is not REALLY a secret at all. You know he is drinking and he also knows that he is drinking. You both know it.
He iis just hoping that he can lie to you and keep you off of his bck about it. He is trying to protect his ability to drink. I thiink that this indicates how much denial that he is in. He is not ready to stop drinking
Another reqson that aI say that I don\t suggest not confronting him is the amount of agression that he has shown when you did confront him...and, the fact that the aggression has grown worse as his drinking has continued.
One basic fact about alcoholism is that it is PROGRESSIVE.....meaning that it grows wrose as time goes on. I predict that you can expect him to becomr more angry and aggressive toward you as time goes on. I am concerned about your safety if you confront him in his face, agaiin.
I am quite concerned for your safety. The more he protgresses in his alcohollism, the less able you will be to predict his behavior. Your safety must come first, in my opiinion.
Dawn, I am glad that you found this forum, and I think it might help us to respond to you if we had a bit more information about your circumstance.
For example.....have you been married for a long time or not? Are there children involved in your family? Do you work outside of the home? etc.
we have been together for 6 years, married for 3. no children, which is for the best I am starting to think.
We both work work secularly, full-time. He’s never missed a day of work, and that’s one of his “excuses”. He’ll say “if I was an alcoholic I wouldn’t be able to hold down a job.”
it used to be that he would only get angry when I brought up the drinking. But now, he will get angry for no reason, without provocation.
When he is drunk, it’s very scary. He is quite a strong man, and he will scream, yell, hit things, slam doors, stomp around. He will say “you make me want to kill myself”. He’s a very mean drunk.
I have walked in on him in the garage several times and pointed out empty liquor bottles, and he would say “oh those are from before we moved in, they’re not mine.” We moved in over 3 years ago… He must really think I’m stupid!
he has been hiding his drinking from me, for a long time. But last night, he was drinking alone when I went to bed after he had a huge blow out on me and said I was responsible for everything bad in his life and he wishes he never married me. Keep in mind, he lashed out at me with no provocation. The reason I know he was drinking is because like I said earlier, I found the bottle behind the couch this morning.
my parents know he’s an alcoholic, by what I’ve told them. They say he needs to accept he is an alcoholic or things will never change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The question really isn't should you confront him about his drinking. You've already done that and gotten a disproportionately aggressive response.
Your parents are right. The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. There is no reason to believe he will change (except to get worse, and dandylion pointed out--alcoholism is progressive.)
The real question is whether you want to live like this, and if not, what changes can YOU make to further yourself towards the life you want.
Your parents are right. The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. There is no reason to believe he will change (except to get worse, and dandylion pointed out--alcoholism is progressive.)
The real question is whether you want to live like this, and if not, what changes can YOU make to further yourself towards the life you want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
The question really isn't should you confront him about his drinking. You've already done that and gotten a disproportionately aggressive response.
You know he is drinking and you know he is lying about it. The real question is, how do you want to live? Assume this is as good as it gets, and that he never changes--or only gets worse (alcoholism, left untreated, is progressive). Is this the life you want? If not, what can you do about that?
You know he is drinking and you know he is lying about it. The real question is, how do you want to live? Assume this is as good as it gets, and that he never changes--or only gets worse (alcoholism, left untreated, is progressive). Is this the life you want? If not, what can you do about that?
I don’t know where to go from here. Of course I love him. He isn’t the same person I married, I assume that’s the alcoholism and the addiction that have changed him. I would love any advice on how I can bring this up to his family. He is very charming to anyone from the outside, people think he is just the best guy ever, that he is such a wonderful husband etc.. in my opinion an intervention needs to happen, but I’m not sure how to go about it.. feeling lost.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by GramCracker25
I'm so sorry, Dawn. You may want to check out the Friends and Family forums for some additional feed back. I'm sure someone will post the link. Please be safe!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Does he have a good relationship with his family? Do you have any reason to believe he will be any more moved by what they have to say than what you have to say? Do you have any reason to believe he won't lose his temper because you "went to them behind his back" or something? He already blames you for "everything"--is going to his family something that will change his mind about that, or reinforce it?
I, too, tried to enlist my ex-boyfriend's family in convincing him to get some help. I learned very quickly that blood is thicker than water.
What if you focused on getting help for yourself instead?
I, too, tried to enlist my ex-boyfriend's family in convincing him to get some help. I learned very quickly that blood is thicker than water.
What if you focused on getting help for yourself instead?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dawn.....I want to say this to you, very gentlly. The reaction that he has already demonstrared, indicates that you are walking on thin ice. I really recommend that you give very careful condsideration to what Sparklekitty has brought up.
Your husband obviously feels very threatened by even the mention of his alcoholism. As you describe, he is strong and, I believe, very scared. He is seeing you as the enemy---the "cause" of all of his misery---with no problems in accusing you. He is likely to react to ANYONE who tries too come between him and his drinking in a simillar way---angry and aggressively and with a heaping lot of denial.
Most spouses do not respond well to having their partner "tattle" to their parents. Now, I am not saying that you should try to hide his drinking from his parents, when it comes up....but, I an just suggesting not ot poke an angry bear.
Know that interventions don't always go in the ideal and nice way that is depicted on TV. The situation where aggression and abuse is involved puts the situation in an entirely different light.
I hear that yu love him.....but, as we long term members can tell you----love, alone, iis not enouth to curtail alcohollism. If love, alone, can do it---none of us weuld be here on this kind of forum.
Given your istuation, II suggest the following-----
1. Educate yourself about the nature and course of alcoholism. You will need to know all about it, so that you can make the wisest and best informed decisions for your own welfare.
We can help you with this.
2. Right away, I suggest that you read the ost frequently recommended book on thiis forum----"Co-dependent No More".
3. Obtain some counseling for yoursekf----specifically, for how you should/can proceed from this point---and, to protect your own Safety.
The best and most immediate way to find such support and counseling is to contact youtr local domestic violrnce organization. (Don\t be turned off by that term!). You can contact them in private phone calls---and your husband doesn't need to know about this. The dv folks are veryunderstanding and will know all that you are talking about. They will know about or have the best type of coundsselors for your situation. They can help keep you safe, and they will have your back. You are going to need this level of help and support.
4. I suggest that you keep all of this to yourself.
****If your husband should find out about your seeing a coundselor or attending a support group, etc....I suggest saying that you are seeking "personal self improvement through a woman's support group".
5. I hope that you stay on this forum and keep reading and keep posting---as there is a lot of help here, from thosw of us who have been in your same situaiton.
Your husband obviously feels very threatened by even the mention of his alcoholism. As you describe, he is strong and, I believe, very scared. He is seeing you as the enemy---the "cause" of all of his misery---with no problems in accusing you. He is likely to react to ANYONE who tries too come between him and his drinking in a simillar way---angry and aggressively and with a heaping lot of denial.
Most spouses do not respond well to having their partner "tattle" to their parents. Now, I am not saying that you should try to hide his drinking from his parents, when it comes up....but, I an just suggesting not ot poke an angry bear.
Know that interventions don't always go in the ideal and nice way that is depicted on TV. The situation where aggression and abuse is involved puts the situation in an entirely different light.
I hear that yu love him.....but, as we long term members can tell you----love, alone, iis not enouth to curtail alcohollism. If love, alone, can do it---none of us weuld be here on this kind of forum.
Given your istuation, II suggest the following-----
1. Educate yourself about the nature and course of alcoholism. You will need to know all about it, so that you can make the wisest and best informed decisions for your own welfare.
We can help you with this.
2. Right away, I suggest that you read the ost frequently recommended book on thiis forum----"Co-dependent No More".
3. Obtain some counseling for yoursekf----specifically, for how you should/can proceed from this point---and, to protect your own Safety.
The best and most immediate way to find such support and counseling is to contact youtr local domestic violrnce organization. (Don\t be turned off by that term!). You can contact them in private phone calls---and your husband doesn't need to know about this. The dv folks are veryunderstanding and will know all that you are talking about. They will know about or have the best type of coundsselors for your situation. They can help keep you safe, and they will have your back. You are going to need this level of help and support.
4. I suggest that you keep all of this to yourself.
****If your husband should find out about your seeing a coundselor or attending a support group, etc....I suggest saying that you are seeking "personal self improvement through a woman's support group".
5. I hope that you stay on this forum and keep reading and keep posting---as there is a lot of help here, from thosw of us who have been in your same situaiton.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 39
Alcoholism aside: never try to convonce yourself that violence towards objects isn't violent or that violence won't escalate, it's 'just' this or that. The fact that you mention he is strong shows you are intimidated and with good reason. The fact he violenylt threw bottles around on being confronted shows it is also an indimitadory tactic. I am also concerned and suggest you contact a DV centre or similar and talk about your situation. I feel it's important you find people with whom you can talk about this openly and without shame.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Dawn, I agree that learning all you can about alcoholism is a good thing, not for him, for you. A good place to start reading, if you are interested is this thread in our stickies section, Classic Reading:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I have lived with a violent husband (not an alcoholic, divorced) so I can imagine how you feel when you are being yelled at, things are flying around and there is violence there, even though it has not actually been directed at you physically - yet.
It's not safe, it is a short hop from what he is doing to a - you're next - situation. I also would not confront him again. As mentioned, you already did and you know the response. He is now protecting his addiction, or the addiction is protecting itself, depending on how you look at it. This is the way it goes.
As for the bottles in the garage that were "there when you moved in". No, he doesn't think you are stupid, that's his addiction protecting itself, it's actually not about you at all. Same with throwing the alcohol out, you know that proves exactly nothing except that he had more stashed away or was finished drinking for the night.
Whether you decide to stay or go or have an intervention (I would never attempt an intervention without professional help in this situation), you really need professional help here, to keep yourself safe, as Dandylion mentioned. DV, a therapist, a support group. The situation is volatile and you are not actually safe. I'm sure you feel that every day.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I have lived with a violent husband (not an alcoholic, divorced) so I can imagine how you feel when you are being yelled at, things are flying around and there is violence there, even though it has not actually been directed at you physically - yet.
It's not safe, it is a short hop from what he is doing to a - you're next - situation. I also would not confront him again. As mentioned, you already did and you know the response. He is now protecting his addiction, or the addiction is protecting itself, depending on how you look at it. This is the way it goes.
As for the bottles in the garage that were "there when you moved in". No, he doesn't think you are stupid, that's his addiction protecting itself, it's actually not about you at all. Same with throwing the alcohol out, you know that proves exactly nothing except that he had more stashed away or was finished drinking for the night.
Whether you decide to stay or go or have an intervention (I would never attempt an intervention without professional help in this situation), you really need professional help here, to keep yourself safe, as Dandylion mentioned. DV, a therapist, a support group. The situation is volatile and you are not actually safe. I'm sure you feel that every day.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Dawn2021
Last night he blew up on me for no reason, telling me to leave the house and that he never wanted to see me again. I can always tell he’s been drinking as his eyes change and they are just plain scary looking.
I'm really concerned for your safety. You can click on my avatar and read my story (or anyone else's here). I will tell you that my deceased AH was extremely violent, and the times he hurt me the worst were when his eyes changed, black and empty like a shark's. That you described a similar shift is worrisome.
You've received some good information from others already. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism and domestic violence. Put a safety plan in place. Reach out to support groups, a therapist, an attorney, know how to get to a shelter or program if you need to leave and have no other confidential place to go. Don't change the way you behave or act, don't talk to him about what you are learning or setting into place. Please be safe.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
The bottom line is if you decide enough is enough, he will get in trouble.
If he ever touches you, drunk or not, he will go to jail. He will lose everything. That might be his bottom.
I was a mellow drunk, some folks are violent. My wife got to the point that when I was drinking she would stay away. It was a nightmare.
It relates to domestic violence. The cops will just haul him off.
Cops and folks in and around jails treat men that hit women very poorly. The bully gets bullied.
Once he starts drinking, you are in the drivers seat.
Prayers.
Thanks.
If he ever touches you, drunk or not, he will go to jail. He will lose everything. That might be his bottom.
I was a mellow drunk, some folks are violent. My wife got to the point that when I was drinking she would stay away. It was a nightmare.
It relates to domestic violence. The cops will just haul him off.
Cops and folks in and around jails treat men that hit women very poorly. The bully gets bullied.
Once he starts drinking, you are in the drivers seat.
Prayers.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
An intervention makes for good TV (i guess, I don't watch that kind of thing) but I doubt it does much good in the long run. He has to want to quit. Whenever people suggest thus is I think of the Dr. Phil family, which poor ol' Dr Phil threw money at *for years.*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I agree with the suggestions to have DV resources contacted. There are professional interventionists that help set up and run family interventions, but even the professionals will tell you there’s not a great “success rate.” There’s nothing loved ones can “do” that magically changes the tides. And I don’t want you to give him any more reason to blame you/lash out at you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Dawn, you're in a very difficult situation right now, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I want to really emphasize my agreement with Dandylion, I don't think confronting him on his drinking or holding an intervention is a safe call. I know this sounds harsh, but I mean it as a thought experiment, not condemnation of your actions: what do you hope to accomplish with talking to his parents and hosting an intervention? You're asking yourself how to go about an intervention, but not what you hope the result to be. I realize that answer feels obvious: for him to see that something is wrong, and get better. The issue is that an addict often does already realize something is wrong, but what they feel is wrong is different from what you feel.
When you confronted your husband, he responded with anger. You became "the enemy" and he began to hide his drinking and lash out at you. What you see wrong is the harm he's doing to his health, and to his relationships with his drinking. What he sees wrong is that you have a problem with what he wants to do, and aren't letting him just do it in peace. Holding an intervention is just going to add more people to the list of who he feels is wrong about him. Nothing you say or do will make an addict truly see the issues around them, they have to pull themselves out of the fog of their delusions themselves.
The other part I want to point out is that his actions are abusive, and you already feel afraid. I know it's easy to discount abuse "in your case" (ie: he's never hit me!) but your fear is real. You should never feel afraid of your partner. Never. Even having a moment where you feel unsure, where you find yourself questioning his actions, is a sign that things are deeply wrong. Angrily shouting, intimidation, throwing things, blaming you; all of these actions create an environment of fear and tension. "The line" of physical violence wasn't crossed, but the fear that it will be holds you in check. That is what makes your situation insidious and dangerous.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is to accept that your relationship is actually abusive. It sucks. No one wants to be in an abusive relationship, and they're often made to feel ashamed and at fault for it (comments like "wow you're really bad at picking people!" and crap like that) so it often goes unsaid. If you follow this link, you'll see the first bullet point under signs of a physically abusive relationship is a partner who throws or breaks things during an argument.
https://www.domesticviolenceroundtab...-of-abuse.html
If you go to our best of forums section, you'll find the thread about domestic abuse as well. Your best bet in this situation is to arm yourself with knowledge about abuse, addiction, and leaving abusive relationships; then make a plan to ensure your safety. Are your parents near by? Maybe it's time to start staying with them for a bit.
I know you want to help your husband, but the best thing you can do to help him right now is take care of yourself. Perhaps he will enter recovery some day, perhaps not. That is for him to decide though. Think of it like this, for a relationship to work, both parties must be healthy. Focus on the things that further your self care, and let him focus on his. Your safety is paramount here.
When you confronted your husband, he responded with anger. You became "the enemy" and he began to hide his drinking and lash out at you. What you see wrong is the harm he's doing to his health, and to his relationships with his drinking. What he sees wrong is that you have a problem with what he wants to do, and aren't letting him just do it in peace. Holding an intervention is just going to add more people to the list of who he feels is wrong about him. Nothing you say or do will make an addict truly see the issues around them, they have to pull themselves out of the fog of their delusions themselves.
The other part I want to point out is that his actions are abusive, and you already feel afraid. I know it's easy to discount abuse "in your case" (ie: he's never hit me!) but your fear is real. You should never feel afraid of your partner. Never. Even having a moment where you feel unsure, where you find yourself questioning his actions, is a sign that things are deeply wrong. Angrily shouting, intimidation, throwing things, blaming you; all of these actions create an environment of fear and tension. "The line" of physical violence wasn't crossed, but the fear that it will be holds you in check. That is what makes your situation insidious and dangerous.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is to accept that your relationship is actually abusive. It sucks. No one wants to be in an abusive relationship, and they're often made to feel ashamed and at fault for it (comments like "wow you're really bad at picking people!" and crap like that) so it often goes unsaid. If you follow this link, you'll see the first bullet point under signs of a physically abusive relationship is a partner who throws or breaks things during an argument.
https://www.domesticviolenceroundtab...-of-abuse.html
If you go to our best of forums section, you'll find the thread about domestic abuse as well. Your best bet in this situation is to arm yourself with knowledge about abuse, addiction, and leaving abusive relationships; then make a plan to ensure your safety. Are your parents near by? Maybe it's time to start staying with them for a bit.
I know you want to help your husband, but the best thing you can do to help him right now is take care of yourself. Perhaps he will enter recovery some day, perhaps not. That is for him to decide though. Think of it like this, for a relationship to work, both parties must be healthy. Focus on the things that further your self care, and let him focus on his. Your safety is paramount here.
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