Bewilderd

I would like to know how other people end up feeling towards alcoholic family members.

In my teens I had a friend whose brother had been a heroin addict. I recall her telling me how her mum had got home one day to find her teenage son selling all their furniture on the street. I remember my friend felt a kind of horror, disgust and fear at her brother. I feel like I'm beginning to understand that now.

I was always worried about my sister but I've started feeling kind of numb, or uncaring about what happens to her. It is too damaging to me to try to give any kind of support. I just feel like I don't care any more. It feels strange. I am afraid of any contact I'm forced into, and I feel horrified at the levels of aggression and craziness I've experienced. Any apology or semblance of has been made drunk and because the vicious behaviour continues I can't take any remorse seriously. There is no real communication or relationship. I really cannot fathom who she is/ has become. I've accepted I have to detach. But I feel strange at this feeling of not caring. The fear I feel I have to conquer somehow because it gives her power over me. I am finding this really hard and distressing because this loss has come with other worse ones and I cannot cut off contact at present. Please can people share their feelings? I don't know where my love has gone, & feel hated and despised and that sickens me.

ironwill

Hi Bewilderd,

Sorry for what brings you here. It is human nature to care for a family member. We don't want to see them in the state they are in. I know you care for you sister, but there is nothing you can say or do that will change her. I'm sure you have told her your feelings on this. Like you said she might of drunkenly apologized, but that will not help heal your soul. Only actions from her in trying to get cleaned up will truly make you feel better. Words are one thing, actions are another. The only thing you can do now is work on yourself and know that you are not to blame for her condition. Yes, you have to detach otherwise you will feel trapped and keep feeling spiraling out of control. I know it hurts to think this way about a family member. You have to look after yourself first. You love for her has not gone. You will always love family members, you just need space right now to help heal yourself. Hopefully at some point your sister will realize what she has done and seek help. But untill then if she keeps up the drinking it will only get worse. Keep being strong and keep posting.

edoering

All feelings that we have are clues about something really important our body/soul/mind is trying to tell us. Sometimes it takes a little decoding, but the feelings usually have the key to what we need to learn next.

Do you have a therapist you can work on this stuff with? Kind of like a personal trainer for fitness, at a certain level all this stuff is so unique that it really helps to work with someone who can get to know your individual circumstances, history, and personality so they can help in a way that is specific and effective for you!

Some thoughts: do you love her less or do you love her differently? Sometimes for those of us used to love meaning no boundaries, being very attached, all-consuming, loyalty at all costs, kind of thing, discovering a detached love feels like “what’s wrong with me I don’t love them anymore?” Love with boundaries is not any less love. I love my ex-husband and brother unconditionally, regardless of the condition of their addictions. HOWEVER, I do not let them run my life. I do not always think about them, build my days around helping them, or allow them to treat me poorly or bring chaos into my life. Sometimes I also feel mad at them, sad, disgusted, etc, and that doesn’t mean I don’t love them, it just means my body is telling me that I have issues with what they are doing and I need to create space for my sanity. But if you’re used to loving selflessly/codependently/in anxious attachment style, any kind of self-preservation might feel like cruelty or selfishness.

Usually my fear or disgust gets triggered when my internal compass is telling me “I don’t like being near those behaviors, and I don’t like who I become in response to them.” Some emotions are like alarms that tell us when we’ve overstepped our internal value system, our inner compass. When those emotions are triggered, what specific behaviors either in your sister or in yourself don’t align with your value system? Basically, what set off the alarm?

It feels like I could go on forever! But mainly, there are so many different kinds and colors of love. And you don’t owe anyone else in this world any love. It is purely your choice. Which means it’s okay to investigate what choices you are making and why!

Lastly, sometimes reevaluating spiritual beliefs and integrating the new growth you’re going through can also help in this time. For me, my experiences with my XAH and brother triggered an “update in my software” when it comes to my relationship with higher powers. In my belief system, we are all fragmented pieces of the universe put into physical bodies to learn about ourselves and heal ourselves. Ultimately, as we heal ourselves, we’ve healed a piece of the universe, and one day the whole universe will be loved/healed/understood through this process. So I like to remind myself my actual job is to love & heal & understand myself, and the more I do that the more I contribute to a better world overall. And everyone is doing this, even if it’s hard to see when watching our self-destructive loved ones—they’re just in a different place in their process. But it is their process.

Ah! I’m sorry for writing so much. Your post just triggered so many thoughts in me!

sage1969

My FOO has a history of alcoholism, domestic violence, and codependency. My sister is an addict. I have tried to put some distance between myself and some of my family members just because I have put much work into letting go of codependent behaviors. However, with my AS, I am no contact. I cannot deal with all the behaviors and abuse that go along with her addiction. On some level, I love her because she is my sister, but I've been through so much in general, and with her, that I have to keep that no contact in place. It really comes down to your personal boundaries and what works best for you.

trailmix

I think this would be terribly hard and I'm sorry you are getting hurt. I've never known someone who became and alcoholic, only alcoholics that already were alcoholics. I can't imagine a family member changing so drastically although, of course, as you have read on these boards, it happens all the time.

You knew them one way and now they are another, be that child, sibling or husband/wife. Regardless, I believe that at some point, it is ok to let go, to detach. If their behaviour is having a negative effect on your life, what other option is there? If your participation at this point in your Sister's life could somehow be beneficial, that's one thing, but it can't be. Not because you wouldn't like it to be but because she wouldn't like it to be.

Bewilderd

Hi everyone, These replies are very helpful. I would like to have no contact at all with my sister, but at this point in time the only way to do that would be through a lawyer, which is not possible financially.

I just feel like expressing how I feel. I am so angry and disgusted at how she treats me. There is no change despite apologies. I dont feel any recognisable love anymore, in myself, & it's been years since I felt any from her. I just feel fear and disgust. I want to know if anyone has felt like this? Helpless and disgusted. I don't know how I am going to get through this and stay healthy. I ground, exercise, seek out friends etc but there is something in it that cuts so deep I can't handle it. It's right she picks a small slice of reality, the past or feelings about myself and blows it up. I have to become stronger against her. I never would have imagined. Thank you for listening, it helps to get it into words.

trailmix

Is there some guilt in there? Fear, obligation, guilt (FOG) can creep in. It's natural to feel this way I think. Fear that you shut them out and regret it, obligation, this is someone you loved or love, guilt for "abandoning" them.

The truth is, she has abandoned you, not that other way around. The person you knew has left, for now or forever, you can't be sure, but the person she is now is hurting you. You have no obligation to be abused by anyone, ever, Mother, Father, sibling, friend, spouse. You just don't.

So perhaps the most important thing is to really look at the here and now, what she is like now. It's ok that you don't feel love for her anymore, it's ok to be disgusted. That's how you feel, you don't need any excuse for that, you don't have to justify it. You surely don't sound unreasonable to me.

All you can do is protect yourself the best you can for now (when you must interact with her perhaps think of yourself surrounded by kind of a bubble - a shield, evil things she says bounce right off). Once the legalities are out of the way, you need never speak to her again if you don't want to. You may want to in the future, you may not, that isn't a decision you need to make right away, or ever.

Perhaps writing her a letter explaining how you feel would help to get it out there for you. You don't need to ever send it, you can keep it, burn it, as you see fit, but perhaps writing it down will get it out of your head, give you clarity and help you to understand that you are not the bad guy because you can no longer have contact.

velma929

*sigh* Some people are easier to love from afar.
My former colleague "Theodore" is one. I care about him; on many levels he's a really nice guy. But his addictions often caused problems at work. He'd disappear for weeks at a time so somebody would have to cover his duties, and it was a small business, so 'someone' meant the owner or me.

Theodore moved away- far away. I have no idea if he still takes off for weeks on end- maybe he doesn't because he'd be fired by someone who didn't have a personal connection to him. Maybe he does and his room mates support him. I hope for the best for him. It's a lot easier though, since his irresponsibility doesn't affect me.

With a sibling, it must be many times more frustrating. My partner has a sib in a similar situation. When their parents died there was a matter of inheritance to be divided. She wanted her inheritance, tens of thousands of dollars, in cash. That didn't happen. Once probate was completed, I don't think he's talked to her directly since. (It's probably been 20 years) She got all up in somebody's face when she found out through the grapevine my partner had been diagnosed with cancer ('someone should have called her - *they're family* after all.') I guess he feels something like compassion for her, as normal people do for someone who has lost her way in life. But day-to-day, she's no longer a presence. It sounds as if there's been a loss in your family, too, and you're tasked with something like an estate? It takes time, but this too, will pass.

Bewilderd

I'm sorry to hear about your partner's cancer. I hope he's better.
That is exactly the situation! Full of complications which will prolong it. I so wish I could just cut contact. Thanks for reminding me it will pass. It's hard enough just dealing with the loss. And hard to access the grief with so much in the way. Thank you everyone.