Flaws vs. Toxicity
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Flaws are acceptible. Toxicity is not.
Flaw = Tends to be thoughtless about household chores. Always does them when asked, but has to be asked over and over. Annoying, and maybe too much for some people to live with full time, but unintentional and not usually threatening to one's well-being.
Toxicity = Purposefully creates messes and then screams at partner that the house is never clean. Abusive and baiting. Avoid at all costs.
Flaw = Tends to be thoughtless about household chores. Always does them when asked, but has to be asked over and over. Annoying, and maybe too much for some people to live with full time, but unintentional and not usually threatening to one's well-being.
Toxicity = Purposefully creates messes and then screams at partner that the house is never clean. Abusive and baiting. Avoid at all costs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I think a person accepts his/her own flaws, understands how those things affect others, and works to minimize the negative effect on others. Example: may hate cleaning, but offers to mow lawn/do laundry/grocery shopping/do cooking if partner/spousal equivalent picks up.
Toxic = someone who never admits own shortcomings, or justifies/argues/defends/explains WHY he or she can't be expected to act in an appropriate manner. Sets higher standards for others' behavior than for his or her own.
Toxic = someone who never admits own shortcomings, or justifies/argues/defends/explains WHY he or she can't be expected to act in an appropriate manner. Sets higher standards for others' behavior than for his or her own.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I think the answer lies in knowing yourself. Kind of like how boundaries are actually about our behaviors and our needs/wants. In fact, I think our boundaries hold the key to deciding if something is toxic or just flawed for us. Everyone’s boundaries and pet peeves and needs are different, so one person’s trash relationship might be another person’s treasure 🤣
For instance, I ask myself the following questions: have I changed my boundaries for this person? If so, how often? Do I like my new adjusted boundaries better or worse than before? Is this behavior irritating or does it harm me? Do I like who I am when I’m with this person? Does my partner like who they are when they’re with me? Do I feel safe to be myself around this person? Do I feel secure in my reality around this person or do I often feel upside-down and confused? Do I make excuses for this person?
If I’m with a partner where I feel myself, safe, sane, and mostly happy, then everything else is just flaws. Growing pains, being human, etc! If being with someone means I lose a sense of self, my boundaries are frequently being infringed on (even after I communicate the infringement), and I feel unmoored, then that relationship is not healthy for me specifically.
This can be tricky to determine, however, if we don’t already have an established sense of identity, self-worth, reality, and boundaries, so we can answer these questions honestly. I think this is why people say it’s important to be in a good place with yourself before you have a relationship. If you don’t feel safe in life, or feel confused about reality, or have nonexistent or unclear boundaries when single, a partner won’t change that, so we won’t know if the feelings come from within or from our relationship or both. If we don’t have a clear understanding of our personal needs and wants, then we have no way of knowing if the relationship is meeting our needs & wants or not. (This can affect us both ways, if we don’t know our individual needs/wants we might use “societal expectations” as a placeholder instead and have unrealistic or idealized expectations for love, OR we’ll act as though we have NO needs/wants and let people walk all over is—both extremes happen!)
For instance, I ask myself the following questions: have I changed my boundaries for this person? If so, how often? Do I like my new adjusted boundaries better or worse than before? Is this behavior irritating or does it harm me? Do I like who I am when I’m with this person? Does my partner like who they are when they’re with me? Do I feel safe to be myself around this person? Do I feel secure in my reality around this person or do I often feel upside-down and confused? Do I make excuses for this person?
If I’m with a partner where I feel myself, safe, sane, and mostly happy, then everything else is just flaws. Growing pains, being human, etc! If being with someone means I lose a sense of self, my boundaries are frequently being infringed on (even after I communicate the infringement), and I feel unmoored, then that relationship is not healthy for me specifically.
This can be tricky to determine, however, if we don’t already have an established sense of identity, self-worth, reality, and boundaries, so we can answer these questions honestly. I think this is why people say it’s important to be in a good place with yourself before you have a relationship. If you don’t feel safe in life, or feel confused about reality, or have nonexistent or unclear boundaries when single, a partner won’t change that, so we won’t know if the feelings come from within or from our relationship or both. If we don’t have a clear understanding of our personal needs and wants, then we have no way of knowing if the relationship is meeting our needs & wants or not. (This can affect us both ways, if we don’t know our individual needs/wants we might use “societal expectations” as a placeholder instead and have unrealistic or idealized expectations for love, OR we’ll act as though we have NO needs/wants and let people walk all over is—both extremes happen!)
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