Withholding info Compounding the pain
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 51
Withholding info Compounding the pain
I'm inching closer to being in a position to leave, have decided to move to another country and live near my daughter. So much to do to make that happen! I've started packing; hiding the boxes because it doesn't feel safe to tell him I'm leaving. Still in counselling, been going to CoDa and working the 12 step program.
AH has driven drunk a couple of more times. Tried to hide it by one time grabbing a beer as soon as he came in, to disguise the beer on his breath. The second time he brushed his teeth as soon as he came in, but I could still smell the alcohol from the opposite end of the couch, when he came and sat down. He's not drinking at home very often, just when out with friends. He could take a taxi home, but chooses not to. I went to a lawyer; if he's in an accident that injures or kills someone and gets sued, the only way to protect my half of our house is to separate from him now, before something happens.
This is all hard enough to cope with. Then life throws more at me than I can possibly navigate. My mom's just out of hospital with her 5th round of pneumonia, and while I was down visiting her one of my dogs got sick, lost the dog to a brain tumour 2 weeks later. I'm devastated, I can't accept that she's gone. My dogs have been all that's kept me sane when things were really bad, and AH was trying to convince me that I was crazy.
Yesterday AH tells me that my brother is in the hospital, diagnosed with cancer in his lymph nodes, they don't know how bad yet, waiting on more tests. He had fluid around his heart and lungs - surgery to remove the fluid today. Turns out SIL told AH 3 weeks ago that my brother was very sick and getting a biopsy done, and them withholding that information from me hurts so badly, it just compounds all of the pain I'm already in, I'm feeling so angry., so betrayed. I keep thinking "do they hate me that much?! And Why? What have I done to deserve being treated this way?" And it hurts. (Back story: a few months ago, I got out of the shower and AH was ending a phone call - he'd called SIL while I was in the shower, but my brother was home too, so they all chatted... I came in the room, AH hung up the phone without passing it to me- brother lives about a 15 hour drive from here, our visits are by phone, and not often.) (More back story: a few years ago, I asked my brother if I could stay with them for a few weeks, so that I could think clearly, because AH was gaslighting, manipulating and heavily drinking at the time. They refused me, took AH's side. They think he's a great guy!)
I'm having a hard time coping. Its so hard being in the same house as AH, I want to pack up my dogs (still have 2) and leave, but still don't have anywhere I could go. I want to go see my brother, but there's no visitors allowed in the hospital, and I sure don't want to see the sis in law just at the moment, until some of this hurt and anger fades.
AH has driven drunk a couple of more times. Tried to hide it by one time grabbing a beer as soon as he came in, to disguise the beer on his breath. The second time he brushed his teeth as soon as he came in, but I could still smell the alcohol from the opposite end of the couch, when he came and sat down. He's not drinking at home very often, just when out with friends. He could take a taxi home, but chooses not to. I went to a lawyer; if he's in an accident that injures or kills someone and gets sued, the only way to protect my half of our house is to separate from him now, before something happens.
This is all hard enough to cope with. Then life throws more at me than I can possibly navigate. My mom's just out of hospital with her 5th round of pneumonia, and while I was down visiting her one of my dogs got sick, lost the dog to a brain tumour 2 weeks later. I'm devastated, I can't accept that she's gone. My dogs have been all that's kept me sane when things were really bad, and AH was trying to convince me that I was crazy.
Yesterday AH tells me that my brother is in the hospital, diagnosed with cancer in his lymph nodes, they don't know how bad yet, waiting on more tests. He had fluid around his heart and lungs - surgery to remove the fluid today. Turns out SIL told AH 3 weeks ago that my brother was very sick and getting a biopsy done, and them withholding that information from me hurts so badly, it just compounds all of the pain I'm already in, I'm feeling so angry., so betrayed. I keep thinking "do they hate me that much?! And Why? What have I done to deserve being treated this way?" And it hurts. (Back story: a few months ago, I got out of the shower and AH was ending a phone call - he'd called SIL while I was in the shower, but my brother was home too, so they all chatted... I came in the room, AH hung up the phone without passing it to me- brother lives about a 15 hour drive from here, our visits are by phone, and not often.) (More back story: a few years ago, I asked my brother if I could stay with them for a few weeks, so that I could think clearly, because AH was gaslighting, manipulating and heavily drinking at the time. They refused me, took AH's side. They think he's a great guy!)
I'm having a hard time coping. Its so hard being in the same house as AH, I want to pack up my dogs (still have 2) and leave, but still don't have anywhere I could go. I want to go see my brother, but there's no visitors allowed in the hospital, and I sure don't want to see the sis in law just at the moment, until some of this hurt and anger fades.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,374
I'm sorry it's so hard for you at the moment.
Sometimes life throws one challenge after another at us, for months at a time.
Attitudes like that of your AH don't help - the sooner you are free of that burden the better.
Wishing you strength and courage as you persevere.
Sometimes life throws one challenge after another at us, for months at a time.
Attitudes like that of your AH don't help - the sooner you are free of that burden the better.
Wishing you strength and courage as you persevere.
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