trailmix

Really good point HL - please don't take any more calls from this jerk - as soon as you hear that recording (or his voice) hang up. That's self care too, perhaps the most important kind right now. These calls go nowhere good.

I don't even know this guy and he makes me angry greensoul.

Greensoul3982

Trailmix, thank you for being angry. I have tried and failed to allow myself to feel anger towards him. I have only been consciously angry towards him a handful of times. The first time was when I was at Wal mart spending 500.00 worth of food and supplies to stock the new apartment I was forced to get because of him. I was all shades of red pushing the cart through Wal mart. I couldn't believe how angry I was or how little I cared about him in that moment and how amazing it felt to stop with all the reasoning and compassion towards him. The anger only recent returned when sent that stupid facebook request. That really hit a nerve with me. For the most part though all I feel is pain. I want so much to hate him and not care anymore. So thank you again for expressing anger towards this. I have ptsd so expression anger is not usually something I have trouble doing. For whatever reason I have a block on the anger I have towards him. Maybe I am holding it back so that I won't feel the betrayal. Maybe it's just easier to feel n the pain of loss than the pain of betrayal. I don't know. He had made a fool of me and the love and life we had together and all.the support I unconditional love and support I gave him. I feel so stupid.

Greensoul3982

555lynn555, I appreciate your thoughtful, heartfelt message so much. I am a woman of faith and I too have failed countless tests. I do learn even if it's slow. They you for helping me understand that by loving myself and caring for myself does not mean that I don't love and care for him. I know this already but hearing helps very much. My father has schizophrenia. I have had to accept a lot of unacceptable behavior from him my whole life while still having compassion for him because he does have good days and good moments. My issues are deep-seated and my desire to hang on is blinding me. I have to do me. I am learning this in baby steps and it is beyond hard. My regard for self is extremely low. I am having to learn as a grown woman how to validate myself by myself. My mother dies from cancer 3 years ago. This is all new to me.

trailmix

Well maybe that is something you can address and that will really help your self esteem.

When someone treats us badly, that's all on them, not us. Sure, sometimes we put up with it for a while (sometimes way too long) so we learn. I hope if you ran in to someone with the same character when you are dating that you would now run screaming from the room (the screaming part is optional lol).

Allowing that anger is ok you know, in fact it can be a good thing that can propel you forward. Maybe shopping at Walmart allowed you to feel that because you were angry at having to spend $500.00 for his foolishness. That's not "personal" that's kind of an aside to feeling angry with how he treated you, you could focus your anger on the waste of your money - you know what I mean?

Well you know, you are worth so much more than that, perhaps easy for me to say and hard for you to accept. You know how people say to love yourself, well that is the goal but getting there can be small steps. You speak negatively about yourself - you feel stupid about all this. You were showing the man compassion, that's not stupid, it might be misplaced, but not stupid, again, we all learn.

One of the first steps toward liking yourself is to stop speaking to yourself that way. What if your story was another persons story here, would you think, how can they be so stupid? I don't think so, you would probably want to try to help, realizing they find themselves in a bad situation, which can happen to any of us.

What do you tell yourself when you look in the mirror? I hope you don't think this could be better or that or etc etc - see the good in you, say, you look great today - because you do! Now this all seems elementary but I promise you will be surprised at how much better it makes you feel about yourself over a short period of time. You will realize it's true, you are great just the way you are. When you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself - stop it in its tracks. No way would you say that to someone else, please be nice to yourself.

Greensoul3982

Thank you so much, Trailmix ❤ It always sounds elementary to me and yet I have been unable to do it consistently enough for it to stick or have an impact. I am just now waking up to my beautiful apartment everyday knowing that it is something I can count on. It's my first home as a grown seasoned woman that I care for and call my own. I think to myself that this is a milestone I should have experienced 15 years ago. It's so amazing though and I am so proud of myself for getting this far. Facing myself in the mirror and trusting that beautiful complexion staring back at me seems pretty daunting. I don't know her in thrive mode. I have only ever known her in survive mode. I didn't used to think that their was that big a difference between the two. I am just now learning that they might as well be from two different planets. I used to fear getting older but these epiphanies are pretty hard core and if I had given up like I have wanted to so many times I would never have had the chance to meet her, that girl on the mirror learning to relax and trust herself and this life. Just incase no one has told you today Trailmix, you are a lifesaver. A cherry one ❤