Broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Oct 2021
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Broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend
Hello all, I just found this website forum/ today and was hoping for support. My story feels long and complicated but I’m going to try to cut it down to the important details. To start, I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I’m 24 years old and for the
entirety of my life she’s struggled with alcohol. It affected my entire childhood and life and completely shaped me, and I’m not close at all with my mom. Still learning how to navigate that relationship.
I’ve been with my boyfriend (31) for six months, and broke up with him yesterday. When we met he told me that he had previously struggled with alcohol and drugs but made it seem like it was way in the past. The night we met he had been drinking, and for the first couple months of our relationship he had a drink or two when we went out. I didn’t think it was a problem but he obviously wasn’t sober at that point, but told me he had been sober for six months with the
exception of the night we met but he didn’t consider that to have broken the streak. About two months in is when I also found out he was living in a sober living home. not from him telling me, but from me finding literature in the house. Around that time, he got blackout drunk and I had to drive around the city looking for him. It terrified me. I told him the next day that if it happened again I couldn’t be with him and I told him about my mom and the reason it bothered me so much.
We moved in together after three months of dating because his sober living home was in a different city, and we wanted to be closer together (I know, way too soon). Since then, there were two other instances of me finding out that he had been drinking and hid it from me. After one of those I told him I wanted him to move into another sober living house, and to start going to AA. He said ok. We started making plans for him to move into sober living, but the AA was never mentioned again (neither by myself or him. I should’ve brought it up again.)
From then until last week, everything seemed fine. He works as a bartender and there were often times that he would come home and didn’t seem normal to me and I wondered if he had been drinking, but I thought maybe he was just tired or something. I still don’t know for sure, but had suspicions pretty regularly. Last week we were on vacation and I found him with a half drank bottle of tequila. The next day at dinner I watched him go to the bar and order a drink after he told me he was going to the bathroom. When
he came back he intensely denied it and said “I swear on our relationship I didn’t get a drink.” Spoiler: he later admitted that he did, which I already knew because I saw it with my own eyes.
Him blatantly lying to me like that bothered me so deeply. When we got back from our trip two days ago we talked and I told him how much it upset me and that he had to go to AA and something had to change, and that if he kept being dishonest I couldn’t be in the relationship. Later that day he went to work and I decided to tell his mom that he drank on our trip. In my conversation with her, I learned that he has been to rehab 13 times previously, and according to her, alcohol is the least of his issues and that he’s had a long battle with opioid addiction. She said she had to kick him out of her house and said it was a “final and desperate decision”. The way she spoke terrified me (note that she’s not crazy- she’s an amazing loving mom and it’s clear that he drove her to a point of madness). I realized that if he’s already been to rehab 13 times, I don’t trust that this will be the time he gets better. I also realized I don’t trust him in general for not telling me any of that. His mom was shocked he hadn’t
told me, and said she asked him point blank if I knew about all of his past and he told her yes. She told me she doesn’t want to be involved in this at all and asked that I not let him know that we talked.
yesterday I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore and he realized I wanted to break up. He’s since said things like I must have never loved him, I’m giving up on the relationship, if I actually loved him I would be there for him and fight for the relationship and stay with him while he tried to get sober. He says I’m making it way too big of a deal because it’s not like he’s getting drunk every night, it’s only happened 5 times so far in our relationship. He swears he’s not dishonest about anything else and that it’s only about the alcohol and it’s because he hates that side of himself. He says that if we solve the addiction issue, the lying will stop. He says it’s so unfair for me to not give me this chance to get better. He said it’s unfair and a cop out for me to use my mom as an “excuse”. Since I couldn’t tell him that his mom told me about the 13 times in rehab, I asked him if he’d ever been and he said yes. I asked when and he said when he was 24, and that it was for pills and he hasn’t done them since. He said nothing about the 12 other times.
He was my first serious relationship and I didn’t know it was possible for someone to love me as much as he did. He did so many amazing things for me. I feel so happy and safe with him. I’m worried I made a mistake because he’s right, it’s not like he’s getting drunk every night, it’s only happened a few times. He says we haven’t actually had a plan for him to get sober yet and that he hasn’t done anything on his own because “it hasn’t been a problem in our relationship” but now that he knows it’s such an issue he’s going to change and stop. I’m on a roller coaster back and forth of thinking I should’ve given him that chance, and knowing that this was the right decision because I truly don’t trust him and don’t know how I would get that trust back. People have said that it’s way too soon in our relationship for me to put up with this, but we had already talked about marriage. He was saving up for a ring. I think I got caught up in his excitement and him wanting to move so fast was related to his addiction in a way. Either way, we both saw this as our forever so to me it’s not as simple as being early enough in the relationship that i had no stake in the game and needed to leave him to figure it out for himself.
im sorry for the extra long post. I suppose I’m just looking for assurance that I made the right decision. He’s so good at manipulating and convincing me of things. I just keep going back to the thought that I’ve already struggled with a relationship with an alcoholic for 24 years, so why would I willingly enter into a relationship with another? But what if he does change for me and get better? This is hard. I truly appreciate any help y’all can offer.
entirety of my life she’s struggled with alcohol. It affected my entire childhood and life and completely shaped me, and I’m not close at all with my mom. Still learning how to navigate that relationship.
I’ve been with my boyfriend (31) for six months, and broke up with him yesterday. When we met he told me that he had previously struggled with alcohol and drugs but made it seem like it was way in the past. The night we met he had been drinking, and for the first couple months of our relationship he had a drink or two when we went out. I didn’t think it was a problem but he obviously wasn’t sober at that point, but told me he had been sober for six months with the
exception of the night we met but he didn’t consider that to have broken the streak. About two months in is when I also found out he was living in a sober living home. not from him telling me, but from me finding literature in the house. Around that time, he got blackout drunk and I had to drive around the city looking for him. It terrified me. I told him the next day that if it happened again I couldn’t be with him and I told him about my mom and the reason it bothered me so much.
We moved in together after three months of dating because his sober living home was in a different city, and we wanted to be closer together (I know, way too soon). Since then, there were two other instances of me finding out that he had been drinking and hid it from me. After one of those I told him I wanted him to move into another sober living house, and to start going to AA. He said ok. We started making plans for him to move into sober living, but the AA was never mentioned again (neither by myself or him. I should’ve brought it up again.)
From then until last week, everything seemed fine. He works as a bartender and there were often times that he would come home and didn’t seem normal to me and I wondered if he had been drinking, but I thought maybe he was just tired or something. I still don’t know for sure, but had suspicions pretty regularly. Last week we were on vacation and I found him with a half drank bottle of tequila. The next day at dinner I watched him go to the bar and order a drink after he told me he was going to the bathroom. When
he came back he intensely denied it and said “I swear on our relationship I didn’t get a drink.” Spoiler: he later admitted that he did, which I already knew because I saw it with my own eyes.
Him blatantly lying to me like that bothered me so deeply. When we got back from our trip two days ago we talked and I told him how much it upset me and that he had to go to AA and something had to change, and that if he kept being dishonest I couldn’t be in the relationship. Later that day he went to work and I decided to tell his mom that he drank on our trip. In my conversation with her, I learned that he has been to rehab 13 times previously, and according to her, alcohol is the least of his issues and that he’s had a long battle with opioid addiction. She said she had to kick him out of her house and said it was a “final and desperate decision”. The way she spoke terrified me (note that she’s not crazy- she’s an amazing loving mom and it’s clear that he drove her to a point of madness). I realized that if he’s already been to rehab 13 times, I don’t trust that this will be the time he gets better. I also realized I don’t trust him in general for not telling me any of that. His mom was shocked he hadn’t
told me, and said she asked him point blank if I knew about all of his past and he told her yes. She told me she doesn’t want to be involved in this at all and asked that I not let him know that we talked.
yesterday I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore and he realized I wanted to break up. He’s since said things like I must have never loved him, I’m giving up on the relationship, if I actually loved him I would be there for him and fight for the relationship and stay with him while he tried to get sober. He says I’m making it way too big of a deal because it’s not like he’s getting drunk every night, it’s only happened 5 times so far in our relationship. He swears he’s not dishonest about anything else and that it’s only about the alcohol and it’s because he hates that side of himself. He says that if we solve the addiction issue, the lying will stop. He says it’s so unfair for me to not give me this chance to get better. He said it’s unfair and a cop out for me to use my mom as an “excuse”. Since I couldn’t tell him that his mom told me about the 13 times in rehab, I asked him if he’d ever been and he said yes. I asked when and he said when he was 24, and that it was for pills and he hasn’t done them since. He said nothing about the 12 other times.
He was my first serious relationship and I didn’t know it was possible for someone to love me as much as he did. He did so many amazing things for me. I feel so happy and safe with him. I’m worried I made a mistake because he’s right, it’s not like he’s getting drunk every night, it’s only happened a few times. He says we haven’t actually had a plan for him to get sober yet and that he hasn’t done anything on his own because “it hasn’t been a problem in our relationship” but now that he knows it’s such an issue he’s going to change and stop. I’m on a roller coaster back and forth of thinking I should’ve given him that chance, and knowing that this was the right decision because I truly don’t trust him and don’t know how I would get that trust back. People have said that it’s way too soon in our relationship for me to put up with this, but we had already talked about marriage. He was saving up for a ring. I think I got caught up in his excitement and him wanting to move so fast was related to his addiction in a way. Either way, we both saw this as our forever so to me it’s not as simple as being early enough in the relationship that i had no stake in the game and needed to leave him to figure it out for himself.
im sorry for the extra long post. I suppose I’m just looking for assurance that I made the right decision. He’s so good at manipulating and convincing me of things. I just keep going back to the thought that I’ve already struggled with a relationship with an alcoholic for 24 years, so why would I willingly enter into a relationship with another? But what if he does change for me and get better? This is hard. I truly appreciate any help y’all can offer.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
You made the right decision. I don't say that lightly. I know you are hurting, I know you had plans and dreams with this person.
He is an alcoholic. Alcoholic's can't drink casually (he knows this, he's been to rehab many times). One drink is never enough. Has he been lying to you all along about it? From what you have said I would say yes. There are so many problems with what he is up to and what he has said, it's hard to know where to start.
He has been lying to you and when he is caught lying he says he's only lying about the one thing - which can't be true because if he's hiding the drinking he is hiding what he's up to. Is he really "working late" or is he just drinking? Really busy tonight or drinking to black out. But if you help him fix this one thing, he won't lie. Well that's great. Now it's on you. He is the one drinking and lying but somehow it has now become your problem to fix? How does that come about?
This is manipulation, he wants to keep you. The way he has set this up is that first of all you're making to big a deal out of it and he needs you to stick by him! Therefore, no matter what he does, if he gets hammered every other night, you need to stand by for support!
That's ludicrous.
As you already know, when we grow up in a household with an alcoholic present, it's dysfunctional. But hey! That's what we know, that's our normal. So to be drawn to him isn't really all that surprising, it's pretty normal to you.
I so hope you stay away from him, this guy is trouble.
You told him what you would have to see, a real effort at getting sober and getting in to recovery, so far he has managed to do nothing except keep drinking and stop talking about AA. It's not up to you to remind him, he's a grown man. He's also an alcoholic and he knows where the AA meeting is.
He is an alcoholic. Alcoholic's can't drink casually (he knows this, he's been to rehab many times). One drink is never enough. Has he been lying to you all along about it? From what you have said I would say yes. There are so many problems with what he is up to and what he has said, it's hard to know where to start.
He’s since said things like I must have never loved him, I’m giving up on the relationship, if I actually loved him I would be there for him and fight for the relationship and stay with him while he tried to get sober. He says I’m making it way too big of a deal because it’s not like he’s getting drunk every night, it’s only happened 5 times so far in our relationship. He swears he’s not dishonest about anything else and that it’s only about the alcohol and it’s because he hates that side of himself. He says that if we solve the addiction issue, the lying will stop.
This is manipulation, he wants to keep you. The way he has set this up is that first of all you're making to big a deal out of it and he needs you to stick by him! Therefore, no matter what he does, if he gets hammered every other night, you need to stand by for support!
That's ludicrous.
As you already know, when we grow up in a household with an alcoholic present, it's dysfunctional. But hey! That's what we know, that's our normal. So to be drawn to him isn't really all that surprising, it's pretty normal to you.
I so hope you stay away from him, this guy is trouble.
You told him what you would have to see, a real effort at getting sober and getting in to recovery, so far he has managed to do nothing except keep drinking and stop talking about AA. It's not up to you to remind him, he's a grown man. He's also an alcoholic and he knows where the AA meeting is.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Haydenc 
But what if he does change for me and get better?
He needs to change for himself first. He has to want it for him.
You did the right thing. You've spent your life dealing with an alcoholic. You deserve to do things and be in relationships that you are happy and fulfilled in.
I've been married 39 years. I have been told that he was going to quit for me or slow down for me. I can't tell you how many times because it's too many to count. He'll slow down for days and sometimes even weeks but it always escalates again and we're right back where it started. Don't be me! I look back on my life and it's so sad how I've given up myself to living in the chaos. I could have done so much better with my life, been so much happier and at peace.
He's manipulating and lying to you to hold on to the addiction. He wants you and the addiction. He's not going to AA. Sounds like he's not close to being committed to recovery. It sounds like he's been struggling with it for years.
Take care of you!! You can't be the cure, he has to figure that out, so why lose yourself to it in the process.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 142
You know you've done the right thing. Everyone here knows you've done the right thing. If this man decides that he wants to deal with his issues, he will do so by his own adult self. The only way that will have a chance of working is if he seeks help for himself because he wants to be sober. You can't make that happen, as I am sure you have learned in your relationship with your AM. If you are not already in Al-anon, you may find it useful for yourself. I wish you well.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
Trailmix shared this link with me when I first joined this forum: http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html
It sounds like there’s not a lot you can trust about what he’s saying. If he was drinking while in sober living (which it sounds like he was because he met you then and he’d been drinking), he could’ve been kicked out—maybe he wanted to move in super quickly because it would be easier to sneak drinking around you than the sober living people?
You mentioned this being a very intense experience of love—is it possible he was (consciously or unconsciously) love bombing you? This is when someone showers you in love and affection, says all the right things, makes you feel amazing, and “breaks through” your boundaries by making you feel like you both should share everything because of how much you love each other. They may not always know they are doing it, but it basically hooks you and “earns” your love/trust, so when they later start to behave in bad ways, you still feel hooked/loyal/in-love with them. I.e. how could you possibly leave him now? So what if he lies about where he is, how much he’s drinking, and it’s just going to get worse? It’s love, and love conquers alllllllll. 🙄
Lastly, addiction of any kind is usually progressive unless someone is actively fighting for recovery (I think of it like “remission” for a chronic illness, it’s not gone, just held at bay). His actions unfortunately are not the actions of someone working on recovery. Are you comfortable with this getting worse before it gets better? Even if he does get into recovery, relapse will always be a risk. Are you comfortable possibly marrying and having kids with someone who might fall back into these behaviors (or worse) later on? And if he is a successful longtimer in recovery, it will affect your life also. Is your dream relationship one that includes a partner who will always need to make time for meetings or other active recovery practices, possibly strained family relationships, and not being able to share a drink with you at dinner?
^^^I actually am not trying to say “stay away at all costs.” All relationships entail some risk, life has no guarantees. I was with my XAH for 7 years while he was completely clean and sober and in recovery; I had decided the risk was worth it in my life. It was an adjustment at first, but I actually enjoyed having NA events and meetings as a part of our lives, and I realized I didn’t care if we never drank together, etc. However, his relapse last year resulted in a really painful divorce and the complete disruption of my whole life. I perhaps underestimated how capable he was of blowing up his whole life (not having known him during his original addiction years), and overestimated the stability of recovery (falling into normie trap of thinking you can “fully heal and be done with worrying about addiction). My point is just to say, you deserve to have the life you want, and the reality of a partner with addiction issues may not belong in that life. And that’s totally okay.
It sounds like there’s not a lot you can trust about what he’s saying. If he was drinking while in sober living (which it sounds like he was because he met you then and he’d been drinking), he could’ve been kicked out—maybe he wanted to move in super quickly because it would be easier to sneak drinking around you than the sober living people?
You mentioned this being a very intense experience of love—is it possible he was (consciously or unconsciously) love bombing you? This is when someone showers you in love and affection, says all the right things, makes you feel amazing, and “breaks through” your boundaries by making you feel like you both should share everything because of how much you love each other. They may not always know they are doing it, but it basically hooks you and “earns” your love/trust, so when they later start to behave in bad ways, you still feel hooked/loyal/in-love with them. I.e. how could you possibly leave him now? So what if he lies about where he is, how much he’s drinking, and it’s just going to get worse? It’s love, and love conquers alllllllll. 🙄
Lastly, addiction of any kind is usually progressive unless someone is actively fighting for recovery (I think of it like “remission” for a chronic illness, it’s not gone, just held at bay). His actions unfortunately are not the actions of someone working on recovery. Are you comfortable with this getting worse before it gets better? Even if he does get into recovery, relapse will always be a risk. Are you comfortable possibly marrying and having kids with someone who might fall back into these behaviors (or worse) later on? And if he is a successful longtimer in recovery, it will affect your life also. Is your dream relationship one that includes a partner who will always need to make time for meetings or other active recovery practices, possibly strained family relationships, and not being able to share a drink with you at dinner?
^^^I actually am not trying to say “stay away at all costs.” All relationships entail some risk, life has no guarantees. I was with my XAH for 7 years while he was completely clean and sober and in recovery; I had decided the risk was worth it in my life. It was an adjustment at first, but I actually enjoyed having NA events and meetings as a part of our lives, and I realized I didn’t care if we never drank together, etc. However, his relapse last year resulted in a really painful divorce and the complete disruption of my whole life. I perhaps underestimated how capable he was of blowing up his whole life (not having known him during his original addiction years), and overestimated the stability of recovery (falling into normie trap of thinking you can “fully heal and be done with worrying about addiction). My point is just to say, you deserve to have the life you want, and the reality of a partner with addiction issues may not belong in that life. And that’s totally okay.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm sorry you are going through this. It hurts and it's not fair, and you did make the right decision.
The red flag I see here is that he works as a bartender. So even if he were to stay sober (which he hasn't), and attend AA and work his recovery (which he hasn't), it is an impossible stretch to think he might be able to be around alcohol each shift all shift long, that he is at work, and not struggle with remaining sober and in recovery.
Being both sober and in recovery often means changing lifestyles, friend circles, and jobs, and these are changes that remain for life. Just as an alcoholic can't have "just one drink," many times alcoholics can't return to their previous friends and lifestyles. If your ex didn't even address his lifestyle and job, I can't see that he was either serious or truthful.
The red flag I see here is that he works as a bartender. So even if he were to stay sober (which he hasn't), and attend AA and work his recovery (which he hasn't), it is an impossible stretch to think he might be able to be around alcohol each shift all shift long, that he is at work, and not struggle with remaining sober and in recovery.
Being both sober and in recovery often means changing lifestyles, friend circles, and jobs, and these are changes that remain for life. Just as an alcoholic can't have "just one drink," many times alcoholics can't return to their previous friends and lifestyles. If your ex didn't even address his lifestyle and job, I can't see that he was either serious or truthful.
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