So this is how freedom feels
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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So this is how freedom feels
Hi guys.... So I realized how far I have come today. My exAH and I texted back and forth today. Through out the conversation he let me know that yesterday he took his 13 your old son to the movies with one of his buddies. He let me know he took a pain pill and drank a bunch of vodka and smoked pot and "by accident" got too messed up. If we were still married I would have been furious... afraid... hurt... It was so freeing to be able to feel how I felt which was nothing. It was such an eye opener of the chaos I was living in for so long. Also throughout the convo he went from blaming himself for our fallout to telling me to stop lying to myself about why he left. That I told him to go.... *Palm to face... I told him to go based on above behavior patterns... But to be honest hearing so many times on here that I had a problem with his drinking and that HE doesn't...resonated so much today. He said goodnight to me at noon (2pm his time) I am thinking he woke up from a binder from yesterday ....started drinking again when he opened his eyes and had to go to bed by 2pm... He is working 6 days a week 10 hour days right now... But instead of taking his one day off to spend with his kids ... he decided to get drunk in front of his son... and instead of taking Monday off to spend time with them after school he was so hungover that he had to miss work and drink and pass out by 2pm... This is exactly WHY we fought when we were married...
Guys... I think I am over him. Todays texts and even a call normally would have torn me apart. But instead I had a like a wake up call about how off I felt being married to him. Seeing him through this lense.... He also told me that the moment we had our last convo he realized he couldn't be with me.... No therapy... no trying to stop drinking... just that I got on his nerves... After all the therapy I have had since he left, all the convos in here, all the work I have put into myself... I didn't take his words personally. I literally laughed in my head and thought... well if that is his perspective he is entitled to it.... BUT I am not going to allow him to diminsh my reality or perspective...
My therapist and I tapped into something deep last night about my childhood. There was a lot of trauma in my childhood... From 14yrs old late 20s I had vertigo and no one really believed me. My dad was the only one who was my advocate. After years of my family telling me to basically snap out of it or it was just anxiety I was able to get into the ear institute where they monitor your brain waves for 6 hours while that do things to purposely make you dizzy and see how long your eyes and inner ears tell your brain you are back in a non dizzy state.... Well it turns out ... they let my dad and I know that I had only 50% of my equalibrium due to a vestibular disorder... But from 14-about 22 I was told it was basically in my head and I was being dramatic... and even though my family apologized a bunch when the results came in it still left scars. The scars I realized were that I couldn't trust my own reality. Hitting on this with my therapist was huge. It is like ever since I talked to him about that I am starting to come out of a cloud. Like it is ok if I don't feel ok... It is ok if I am sad or sick sometimes... This breakthrough is starting to give me confidence thus truly getting over my exAH... Because when I trust my reality... I realize I don't want him anymore....
Really good moments this week
Love you all Thank you
Guys... I think I am over him. Todays texts and even a call normally would have torn me apart. But instead I had a like a wake up call about how off I felt being married to him. Seeing him through this lense.... He also told me that the moment we had our last convo he realized he couldn't be with me.... No therapy... no trying to stop drinking... just that I got on his nerves... After all the therapy I have had since he left, all the convos in here, all the work I have put into myself... I didn't take his words personally. I literally laughed in my head and thought... well if that is his perspective he is entitled to it.... BUT I am not going to allow him to diminsh my reality or perspective...
My therapist and I tapped into something deep last night about my childhood. There was a lot of trauma in my childhood... From 14yrs old late 20s I had vertigo and no one really believed me. My dad was the only one who was my advocate. After years of my family telling me to basically snap out of it or it was just anxiety I was able to get into the ear institute where they monitor your brain waves for 6 hours while that do things to purposely make you dizzy and see how long your eyes and inner ears tell your brain you are back in a non dizzy state.... Well it turns out ... they let my dad and I know that I had only 50% of my equalibrium due to a vestibular disorder... But from 14-about 22 I was told it was basically in my head and I was being dramatic... and even though my family apologized a bunch when the results came in it still left scars. The scars I realized were that I couldn't trust my own reality. Hitting on this with my therapist was huge. It is like ever since I talked to him about that I am starting to come out of a cloud. Like it is ok if I don't feel ok... It is ok if I am sad or sick sometimes... This breakthrough is starting to give me confidence thus truly getting over my exAH... Because when I trust my reality... I realize I don't want him anymore....
Really good moments this week
Love you all Thank you
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Ahh Kaya, that was an upper just to read.
The monk Tich Naght Hahn said, "Enjoy not having a toothache.". I think some of us learn to enjoy not living with a drunk.
Congrats on keeping some rewards of all the hard work that you have done.
The monk Tich Naght Hahn said, "Enjoy not having a toothache.". I think some of us learn to enjoy not living with a drunk.
Congrats on keeping some rewards of all the hard work that you have done.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
This is all great! I was actually smiling while I read it! Yes, it's funny how that lens can be lifted like that and it seems kind of sudden - well I guess it is, but it's also all that work you put in to it that led you to be able to see it (I've had a similar experience). For me, everything he said and did after that, I saw in a new light, it was great.
There may have still been a few, that's too bad that happened - moments - after that, but it never was that horrible sadness again.
I'm really sorry about the whole vertigo thing, I can see how not being believed would be hugely undermining to your faith in yourself and what you know. This therapist sounds really good. My Mom had vertigo for many years. We took her to the hospital once for it and they did some testing and it's rather terrifying, because it was so scary for her (not sure if you experienced that too) I'm so glad your Dad advocated for you, that at least was helpful.
There may have still been a few, that's too bad that happened - moments - after that, but it never was that horrible sadness again.
I'm really sorry about the whole vertigo thing, I can see how not being believed would be hugely undermining to your faith in yourself and what you know. This therapist sounds really good. My Mom had vertigo for many years. We took her to the hospital once for it and they did some testing and it's rather terrifying, because it was so scary for her (not sure if you experienced that too) I'm so glad your Dad advocated for you, that at least was helpful.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
HI LK,
I'm so happy for you. You have come so far since coming here. Learned so much. Yes, you had a "palm to face" moment, but don't worry about it. You regained yourself quickly. Let him believe what ever he wants. You know the truth. That is all that matters.
Keep taking it one day at a time. You will still moments that will get to you. But with the knowledge you have gained they will pass quickly. Sorry about the vertigo and no one took you serious. It can hurt when you have a problem and no one believes you. I'm glad that you figured it out and can now deal with it. Keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
I'm so happy for you. You have come so far since coming here. Learned so much. Yes, you had a "palm to face" moment, but don't worry about it. You regained yourself quickly. Let him believe what ever he wants. You know the truth. That is all that matters.
Keep taking it one day at a time. You will still moments that will get to you. But with the knowledge you have gained they will pass quickly. Sorry about the vertigo and no one took you serious. It can hurt when you have a problem and no one believes you. I'm glad that you figured it out and can now deal with it. Keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Kaya, your post is absolutely wonderful to read!! I had goosebumps. You are reaping
the hard earned rewards of the hard work you have been doing. You possess courage,
strength, wisdom and determination to survive & thrive, to grow & learn, to become
the real you and the best you! You are truly inspirational
the hard earned rewards of the hard work you have been doing. You possess courage,
strength, wisdom and determination to survive & thrive, to grow & learn, to become
the real you and the best you! You are truly inspirational
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
Ahh Kaya, that was an upper just to read.
The monk Tich Naght Hahn said, "Enjoy not having a toothache.". I think some of us learn to enjoy not living with a drunk.
Congrats on keeping some rewards of all the hard work that you have done.
The monk Tich Naght Hahn said, "Enjoy not having a toothache.". I think some of us learn to enjoy not living with a drunk.
Congrats on keeping some rewards of all the hard work that you have done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by trailmix
This is all great! I was actually smiling while I read it! Yes, it's funny how that lens can be lifted like that and it seems kind of sudden - well I guess it is, but it's also all that work you put in to it that led you to be able to see it (I've had a similar experience). For me, everything he said and did after that, I saw in a new light, it was great.
There may have still been a few, that's too bad that happened - moments - after that, but it never was that horrible sadness again.
I'm really sorry about the whole vertigo thing, I can see how not being believed would be hugely undermining to your faith in yourself and what you know. This therapist sounds really good. My Mom had vertigo for many years. We took her to the hospital once for it and they did some testing and it's rather terrifying, because it was so scary for her (not sure if you experienced that too) I'm so glad your Dad advocated for you, that at least was helpful.
There may have still been a few, that's too bad that happened - moments - after that, but it never was that horrible sadness again.
I'm really sorry about the whole vertigo thing, I can see how not being believed would be hugely undermining to your faith in yourself and what you know. This therapist sounds really good. My Mom had vertigo for many years. We took her to the hospital once for it and they did some testing and it's rather terrifying, because it was so scary for her (not sure if you experienced that too) I'm so glad your Dad advocated for you, that at least was helpful.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Cookie314
I'm glad you're feeling more steady now and like you're really moving on. It seems like your life has improved since he took his storm of chaos with him. You inspire me with your posts.
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Originally Posted by ironwill
HI LK,
I'm so happy for you. You have come so far since coming here. Learned so much. Yes, you had a "palm to face" moment, but don't worry about it. You regained yourself quickly. Let him believe what ever he wants. You know the truth. That is all that matters.
Keep taking it one day at a time. You will still moments that will get to you. But with the knowledge you have gained they will pass quickly. Sorry about the vertigo and no one took you serious. It can hurt when you have a problem and no one believes you. I'm glad that you figured it out and can now deal with it. Keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
I'm so happy for you. You have come so far since coming here. Learned so much. Yes, you had a "palm to face" moment, but don't worry about it. You regained yourself quickly. Let him believe what ever he wants. You know the truth. That is all that matters.
Keep taking it one day at a time. You will still moments that will get to you. But with the knowledge you have gained they will pass quickly. Sorry about the vertigo and no one took you serious. It can hurt when you have a problem and no one believes you. I'm glad that you figured it out and can now deal with it. Keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by velma929
I guess "She's irritable when I'm drunk at home" = "I should get drunk someplace else"?
What a shame - and what a shame those kids are being taught that this is an acceptable lifestyle.
What a shame - and what a shame those kids are being taught that this is an acceptable lifestyle.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Kaya, your post is absolutely wonderful to read!! I had goosebumps. You are reaping
the hard earned rewards of the hard work you have been doing. You possess courage,
strength, wisdom and determination to survive & thrive, to grow & learn, to become
the real you and the best you! You are truly inspirational
the hard earned rewards of the hard work you have been doing. You possess courage,
strength, wisdom and determination to survive & thrive, to grow & learn, to become
the real you and the best you! You are truly inspirational
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