Jessica38

I really appreciate all of you here and could use some feedback. AH isn’t drinking, but he’s running hot/cold in how he treats me. It takes so much of my emotional energy to be around AH when he is hot/cold, moody, and kind of hostile.

I’ve applied what I’ve learned in Alanon, Codependency No More, and this forum by taking space for myself to focus on my healing and leaving him to deal with his mood swings on his own so he can focus on his own recovery, if he chooses. The issues come up whenever we start talking about anything at all. If I need to communicate anything about the kids, or we are at our child’s sports game and I ask a question about which player it was that just got injured on the field and is he ok? I am met with irritation (“It’s the OTHER team, what part of that don’t you understand?”), or invalidation of my thoughts or feelings (“You can keep lying to yourself, but it’s going to suck and you know it” regarding my comment that I am glad an appointment we had for something a little inconvenient was in the morning so we could have the rest of the Sunday to relax).

It is subtle enough that I often don’t bring it up later, but I do remove myself from the situation if possible. If I do bring it up because it isn’t as subtle, and I tell him that I didn’t like the way he spoke to me, and I won’t be treated disrespectfully, he tells me that “No one is disrespecting you.”

I am trying to figure out my boundaries for the slightly hostile behavior and if my leaving the room is enough. I feel like this is such a gray area and I am unsure of what to do. It started in August when I made dinner for the two of us and he sat down and refused to engage at all. He just sat in cold silence staring straight ahead and didn’t speak to me.

Has anyone been through this before? It’s hard enough to not have emotional support, affection, and conversation from my husband in daily life, but dealing with this argumentative, hostile, passive-aggressive behavior and feeling like he’s intentionally sabotaging me at times is upsetting me. It’s exhausting. What boundaries are there for this mistreatment, other than simply leaving the house/room so I can protect my emotional space? Is that enough?

advbike

Sorry for the situation you are in. I have not read your back story but it does sound like he is sober, but not working a program of recovery which would bring emotional healing and stress relief. Without aspects of a recovery program such as meetings (fellowship), step work, a higher power, and service - the anger, shame, resentments and anxiety just simmer below the surface. I was not a heavy drinker myself (a few beers at night) but it was my daily coping mechanism, and when I first got sober several years ago I remember being constantly irritated. I could hardly be in the same room as my partner, and in fact did not like her very much at the time. Everything got on my nerves and I eventually moved out. I finally started going to AA meetings and I got a therapist who was also in AA, and although I did not stay in the program long term, the meetings and stepwork helped me to let go of a lot of emotional baggage and develop a higher power. I also learned about ACOA and codependency, etc. I have to constantly work my program of recovery.

At some point you have to ask yourself if you want to stay in the situation, because the hostility is not healthy for anyone. Has he ever tried AA? Had therapy?

trailmix

Well that sounds horrible (and I know it is). You mentioned before:

He may have put the drink down but what has he done to actually recover? What's his plan (does he have one?) or is he just not going to drink and also be miserable?

Personally, I don't think this is much better than him drinking is it? You are probably just as much on edge (or more), this kind of behaviour affects his relationship with you too, it will probably, slowly, destroy it.

Is he attending AA or any other program or therapy?

Being sober is not the same as being in recovery. He is now just venting his anger at you. He needs to find ways to cope in life that don't involve self destructive actions or at the very least don't involve you being treated horribly. You told him before that if he wanted to live with you and your children he needed to get sober and get a recovery plan. If he hasn't lived up to that boundary. This is probably time to refresh that boundary and have him move out and get some help (the second part is up to him, of course).

On the flipside, recovery takes time (months, years) this does not excuse his behaviour toward you though. If he is seeking help for himself already, then perhaps adding couples counselling as well might help?

Jessica38

Thanks for sharing your insight, Bike. I can take or leave alcohol and only one if I do, so I cannot relate to what he’s going through, but I can see that his behavior is due to not being able to drink. This is almost worse than having him hide his drinking and stumbling, slurring, and passing out on the couch most nights.

He went to one AA meeting and we met with a family therapist after his drinking escalated to drinking for days morning and night to the point of falling down drunk in our home.

I definitely feel like the hostility is not good for me or the family. I am struggling to understand if it’s a boundary issue that I need to make clear is not OK with me and give him some time to learn that he cannot take this out on me, or if it is straight up emotional abuse and he needs to go “recover” somewhere else. I just know that I don’t like the way he is treating me and I don’t deserve it.

Jessica38

Trailmix, yes, you nailed it. This is actually worse than the drinking. Thanks for the feedback that what I am experiencing IS horrible and not just par for the course when an A stops drinking, and I should just focus on myself and leave him be. I have been reading so much that makes me think that this is to be expected and I just need to be firm in my boundaries, but it actually feels horrible. I am starting to get emotionally flat and I am certain that this is because of the situation and trying to protect myself from getting enraged.

After I posted, I made a nice dinner for the family (the kids come home starving after practice) and the pan only held so many strips of meat for the meal. After the kids took theirs, I was going to quickly sear the next batch but AH beat me to it so I asked him to throw extras on for me. No response, so I looked at him and asked: “Can you throw some on for me too?” He was visibly annoyed and said: “I SAID that I did!” It’s this subtle crap that happens nearly every time.

I really don’t want to be the recovery police and insist on AA. He found an online forum that he enjoyed and it lasted a week. I haven’t asked him if he’s participating but I highly doubt it.

trailmix

Yes, you don't want to be the recovery police, you're right. It's his responsibility to seek it.

There is a time when someone gets in to recovery (sometimes) a transition period, there might be ups and downs as the person learns to cope with life on life's terms - that's not this. All he did was stop drinking, which, in the great scheme of things is great for him, but it's not recovery. Recovery looks like recovery, he would be learning tools to cope, reaching out to others for support and guidance etc etc.

He's very lucky you are so patient, it's incredibly annoying to be snipped at snapped at for no reason and it hurts.

Is what he is doing abuse, absolutely. Is it disrespectful, yes.

You're feelings about this are right, you are just trying to go about your life and be happy, he's not wanting to participate in that right now. Distancing yourself, if you decide he will stay is probably the only thing to do to keep yourself from getting hurt and keeping your sanity! Or you can bring your boundary back and ask him to leave and work on his recovery.

Even if you spoke to him about this now and he agreed he is treating you badly and his behaviour is unacceptable, he can probably mask it, at least for a while but it's bound to play out somewhere.

Jessica38

This is very helpful to me. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how helpful this is to me right now.

dandylion

Jessica.....my short response to your post is that it looks to me like he is in deep resentment of you for being an obstructive to his ability to drink. Meaning that he sees you as the enemy. After all, because of your requirements, the thing that has given him the most comfort is no longer allowed because of this.
One AA meeting is less than a puff in the wind---and, meeting with a family therapist is not a treatment program for alcoholism. Such half measures result in basically, that, he is just 'white knuckling" it. I don't know how long he has been back in the ho, but, white knuckling can last for a while....but, for an alsoholic who has spiraled as far alonf as it sounds like he did----it is unlikely to result in life long sobriety that YOU desire.

On the other hand---even with the best laid out treatment, with a willing and intent participant, the first year of sobriety can be even harder than the previous drinking. Most loved ones are truly surprised by this
He probably finds it hard to just get through the say...much less have the emotional energy to engage in warm and cozy interactions---or, even civil interactions---with the person who has taken away the thing that gives him the most emotional oain relief---the drink.

Yoou do seem to need some affectionate and emotional companionship (who doesn't). for the next months to years---it might be best to compensate by getting your affectiona nd companionship from other places----friends, activiries. and other sources of pleasure and comfort. This, of course requires that you do a great--great--deal more detachment.

Actually, I love your idea that he get through the early difficult sober time (if he really wants sohriety) elsewhere. Like, a sober living house or his own private lliving quarters. He could still have visits with family, if he did that. It would be more merciful for all of you, in my opinion.

Jessica38

Dandy, it was your recommendation to me in a previous post that helped me really understand how difficult that first year could be. Thank you again for preparing me for that, as I am experiencing this to be very true.

I think you’re right that he’s in deep resentment of me for the reasons you stated. My choices are to detach with firm boundaries or ask him to recover outside of the home. What I really want is to have him experience the consequences of his behavior without turning our lives upside down. I don’t know how to do that.

dandylion

Jessica......I think that the reality is that you don't get to control his outcomes or direct how his life goes---that is very controlling---you just get to contriol your own responses and actions.

trailmix

I don't know either, I would say orchestrating consequences for him to come to any particular realization is pretty much impossible.

I think that detaching with boundaries will be really hard on you. Detaching is really kind of a short term tool to save yourself some hurt along the way. Since he is not in recovery, this may not be a short process. Generally, when someone is treating us badly, it's a normal human reaction to start to detach, it just happens. Purposefully detaching, has the same effect, moving away emotionally from the person, so in a way, if you use it longer term, you might find you don't care whether he's living there or not! You may be ok with that, I don't know.

While you don't want to turn your lives upside down, perhaps him moving out would be a good option for now. See how it goes, see if he decides to get help. He may choose recovery or he may not, only he can decide and only time will tell.