New Comer with Loved One Addiction/Divorce
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Originally Posted by Cookie314 
Did he actually say "you are not worth keeping", or is that what you feel like he means? If he's the one that said that, it's a very underhanded and hurtful thing to do. If not though, it's a very unfair way to think of yourself. Your worth is not determined by someone else's choices.
I know what he's doing is painful, it sounds like he's really struggling with himself and what to do about it. The way he decides to go about finding those answers is something only he can do, and sometimes the choices he makes will be ones you don't agree with or understand. I know it's easy to turn blame on yourself, when no other explination seems possible, but that's just not the case. You didn't cause this disease, and you can't control his choices. I'm sorry the ones he's making are hurting you so.
I know what he's doing is painful, it sounds like he's really struggling with himself and what to do about it. The way he decides to go about finding those answers is something only he can do, and sometimes the choices he makes will be ones you don't agree with or understand. I know it's easy to turn blame on yourself, when no other explination seems possible, but that's just not the case. You didn't cause this disease, and you can't control his choices. I'm sorry the ones he's making are hurting you so.
Originally Posted by Ldmblack
No he did not say I wasnt worth keeping but when I said it to him that I wanted to be the one worth fighting for he never responded to me. I told him that I never gave on him and he says he never gave up on himself either. (What does that even mean) I do feel like a failure - like I never saw any of this coming before the first affair and these last 4 years has been a roller coaster and I was the one who got thrown off the tracks. It is really disheartening that he says he loves me but not in love with the program (what the program). He has never told his siblings what has been going on (they know from me) but his sister said that he said he's done wrong and if this is what he needs to do to make things right then it is what it is. I feel like it is a coward/coppout way of thinking.
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
I'm sorry his actions have caused you such pain and left you with such a mess. I know this sounds bad, but it seems that he's doing you a favor in this, even if it's a sh*tty thing to do. You've described a situation where you have been pouring your heart and soul into this relationship for years, and he has been unwilling, or unable to reciprocate. Some people are emotional vacuums like that, whether from narcissism, or ignorance, or some other factor. They need that emotional support and energy from others, but don't give any of themselves.
I'm not saying this to mean he's a bad guy or is doing this with intent. He may be, or maybe he's incapable of seeing the common thread between his attempts to connect with others is himself. Who knows? If you look back on daily life with him, does it seem uneven like that? The sort of stuff where he comes to you (or these other women) for emotional support, but doesn't ever seem to reach out to offer you any? Living like that is incredibly draining, and sometimes it takes sharp, painful events like this to give you the clarity to look back on past events and see that.
I know it's a painful road ahead, but there will be positives that come from escaping this storm as well. This may be a good time for you to turn your focus inward on what's good for you, instead of always on holding your relationship together. Are there any hobbies or activities that you used to enjoy that have fallen away over the years? Maybe now is a good time to get back into it. Losing someone you love in any capacity is always difficult, but it can give you new opportunities too. I hope we see more of you around here.
On a side note, why do people say having a lazy dog like it's a bad thing? If I had a dog, laziness would be a prerequisite. I'm thinking some day I'll rescue a nice gray hound, ie: the world's fastest couch potatoes. Lazy is just a term to describe a dog who's just as content to cuddle on the couch and watch movies as you are. You get a good lazy dog, and an equally lazy lap cat, and you'll never have to (or be able to) leave your house to attend stuff you didn't really want to go to anyways. "Oh no, was that noisy party today?! I'm sorry, I simply can't go, I'm trapped you see." It's perfect. Give your pup a hug for me.
I'm not saying this to mean he's a bad guy or is doing this with intent. He may be, or maybe he's incapable of seeing the common thread between his attempts to connect with others is himself. Who knows? If you look back on daily life with him, does it seem uneven like that? The sort of stuff where he comes to you (or these other women) for emotional support, but doesn't ever seem to reach out to offer you any? Living like that is incredibly draining, and sometimes it takes sharp, painful events like this to give you the clarity to look back on past events and see that.
I know it's a painful road ahead, but there will be positives that come from escaping this storm as well. This may be a good time for you to turn your focus inward on what's good for you, instead of always on holding your relationship together. Are there any hobbies or activities that you used to enjoy that have fallen away over the years? Maybe now is a good time to get back into it. Losing someone you love in any capacity is always difficult, but it can give you new opportunities too. I hope we see more of you around here.
On a side note, why do people say having a lazy dog like it's a bad thing? If I had a dog, laziness would be a prerequisite. I'm thinking some day I'll rescue a nice gray hound, ie: the world's fastest couch potatoes. Lazy is just a term to describe a dog who's just as content to cuddle on the couch and watch movies as you are. You get a good lazy dog, and an equally lazy lap cat, and you'll never have to (or be able to) leave your house to attend stuff you didn't really want to go to anyways. "Oh no, was that noisy party today?! I'm sorry, I simply can't go, I'm trapped you see." It's perfect. Give your pup a hug for me.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Ldm......We all understand how traumatic and painful this turn of events is for you. Needless to say that we all have empathy for you, as we have all been through your kind of pain in one way or another.
Here is another concept for you to give some consideration to------when we have been treated badly by someone, it is not always the actual Love that we miss---it is really the security that we miss. Fear of the Unknown can make us cling even harder to anything that represents security, to us.
Love is not supposed to hurt---and does not treat us poorly.
Here is another concept for you to give some consideration to------when we have been treated badly by someone, it is not always the actual Love that we miss---it is really the security that we miss. Fear of the Unknown can make us cling even harder to anything that represents security, to us.
Love is not supposed to hurt---and does not treat us poorly.
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This is a real struggle with living alone...the house is empty, there is no one but me. Our friends have all moved on doing their own thing since there is no more Bill and Lisa. Everything has changed in an instant and this is something that I do not know how to handle/navigate. His older siblings live out of state and they call to keep in touch but basically it is just phone calls here and there. Guys have it alot easier than women do. Bill lives with friends so he has people to talk to and then he still goes over to our best friends to drink beer. The life I once had is gone and the silence is deadly. I work all day from home and then at the end of the day I am staring at the same place that I live in. I walk the dog and pray for the clock to be 8pm so I can fall asleep and make it through another night. We had each other and hung out exclusively with our best friends and now that is gone - everyone is living there life (moving on to retirement, grandkids, other friends etc). These are my demons to deal with and every day I read all these affirmations but those demons eat me alive.
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He may not have known what to say, when you asked, I don't know. Someone who is in the pits of depression and/or alcoholism is often plagued by fear, guilt, confusion, and despair. This may be good attempt at a drastic change in hopes of something different. There's no way for anyone to know, and he may not himself.
I understand how desperately you want answers, and to know why all this is happening. Your feelings in this are totally valid. Unfortunately addiction leaves everyone effected by it with more questions than answers. There are many of us here with stories of our loved ones doing unimaginable, unreasonable things. It's never a fair situation.
You aren't a failure for not seeing this coming. An addict's choices are unpredictable, and self serving. Many of us look back on our experiences and ask ourselves how we didn't see things plainly. It simply isn't a fair thing to do to yourself though. If you flipped a coin, the chance of getting heads or tails is the same. If you called heads, but got tails from the flip, it's easy to say "I should have chosen tails!" That isn't fair though. You had the information at the time that each outcome was equal, and made your choice with that knowledge at the time. The outcome being unfavorable doesn't make you stupid or unreasonable for your choice, you simply didn't have the clarity that hindsight brings. At the time you made your choices, you felt like you still had the chances to work everything out, and moved forward accordingly. Now you have new data, and new choices to make. What you know now doesn't invalidate what you did before, you did the best you could with what you had.
It's hard to say more on what his sister said without more, but I want to focus on your interpretation of it. What makes her statement a cop-out? I know you want to keep your husband with you, but if he's determined to leave, what can either of you do? Force him to stay? I know it's painful and unfair, but if his choice is to leave, no one could make him stay.
When you hear the three C's on here, I think the hardest one to truly accept is that you can't control it. You can't control the addiction, and you can't control the person plagued by it. While my AH was spiraling, it was crushing to feel so powerless to control him. I just wanted him home with me, safe, sober, and happy. But I couldn't make that happen. If he had decided to end his life during that time, there was literally nothing I could do to stop him. It's a heart breaking feeling.
The silver lining to accepting that you can't control your partner is realizing you are released from the guilt of feeling like you caused it. If there is nothing you can do to stop a person from drinking, how could you possibly be responsible for when they do? I know that doesn't make the fear of something happening to them any easier, but the responsibility for the consequences of his actions is not your burden to bear.
Have you tried looking up meetings with al anon or other support groups in person? It sounds like that physical interaction will help you.
I understand how desperately you want answers, and to know why all this is happening. Your feelings in this are totally valid. Unfortunately addiction leaves everyone effected by it with more questions than answers. There are many of us here with stories of our loved ones doing unimaginable, unreasonable things. It's never a fair situation.
You aren't a failure for not seeing this coming. An addict's choices are unpredictable, and self serving. Many of us look back on our experiences and ask ourselves how we didn't see things plainly. It simply isn't a fair thing to do to yourself though. If you flipped a coin, the chance of getting heads or tails is the same. If you called heads, but got tails from the flip, it's easy to say "I should have chosen tails!" That isn't fair though. You had the information at the time that each outcome was equal, and made your choice with that knowledge at the time. The outcome being unfavorable doesn't make you stupid or unreasonable for your choice, you simply didn't have the clarity that hindsight brings. At the time you made your choices, you felt like you still had the chances to work everything out, and moved forward accordingly. Now you have new data, and new choices to make. What you know now doesn't invalidate what you did before, you did the best you could with what you had.
It's hard to say more on what his sister said without more, but I want to focus on your interpretation of it. What makes her statement a cop-out? I know you want to keep your husband with you, but if he's determined to leave, what can either of you do? Force him to stay? I know it's painful and unfair, but if his choice is to leave, no one could make him stay.
When you hear the three C's on here, I think the hardest one to truly accept is that you can't control it. You can't control the addiction, and you can't control the person plagued by it. While my AH was spiraling, it was crushing to feel so powerless to control him. I just wanted him home with me, safe, sober, and happy. But I couldn't make that happen. If he had decided to end his life during that time, there was literally nothing I could do to stop him. It's a heart breaking feeling.
The silver lining to accepting that you can't control your partner is realizing you are released from the guilt of feeling like you caused it. If there is nothing you can do to stop a person from drinking, how could you possibly be responsible for when they do? I know that doesn't make the fear of something happening to them any easier, but the responsibility for the consequences of his actions is not your burden to bear.
Have you tried looking up meetings with al anon or other support groups in person? It sounds like that physical interaction will help you.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Ldm.........I propose that you can't "win his heart back" because this is not about you.
I. also, suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More", which is the most frequently recommended book on this forum. You can get it on amazon.com or at any library.
It is easy to read and I think that a lot of it is going to resonate with you.
I. also, suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More", which is the most frequently recommended book on this forum. You can get it on amazon.com or at any library.
It is easy to read and I think that a lot of it is going to resonate with you.
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Originally Posted by Ldmblack
Thank You - I do have this book as my therapist told me about it last year. I have tried reading it but find that some things apply to me and then some things apply to him and I just get frustrated since my mind cannot sit still with every memory that is like a photo album in my brain and I cannot get it to shut down.
I hear you on the rambling around in your big house. I'm alone a lot of the time (not married), but I have a house mate, different floors so we may not see each other for days - but it's not the same as being alone in the house.
I also divorced and found myself at kind of a loose end. What I did was join an online group called Meetup.com . Now you may be thinking, ok so I'm going to sign up to some website and meet up with a lot of weird strangers and...etc! Well I have to say I had misgivings too. But I steeled myself and signed up with a group and went to my first one (live music event). I had fun, I met some really nice people.
There are groups for everything you can think of, dance, hiking, live events, by age group, board game nights. Of course living in or close to a large urban center gives you more choices. Anyway, just a thought.
Alternately, what do you enjoy? Are their local groups you might like? Also you may want to look in to Al Anon meetings or divorced person meetings or both, there you will meet many people who know exactly what you are going through.
Anyway, you are alone at home but you don't have to be alone (well you have us now!). How about boarding some university students or exchange students?
What do you like to do? What would make you happy?
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
He may not have known what to say, when you asked, I don't know. Someone who is in the pits of depression and/or alcoholism is often plagued by fear, guilt, confusion, and despair. This may be good attempt at a drastic change in hopes of something different. There's no way for anyone to know, and he may not himself.
I understand how desperately you want answers, and to know why all this is happening. Your feelings in this are totally valid. Unfortunately addiction leaves everyone effected by it with more questions than answers. There are many of us here with stories of our loved ones doing unimaginable, unreasonable things. It's never a fair situation.
You aren't a failure for not seeing this coming. An addict's choices are unpredictable, and self serving. Many of us look back on our experiences and ask ourselves how we didn't see things plainly. It simply isn't a fair thing to do to yourself though. If you flipped a coin, the chance of getting heads or tails is the same. If you called heads, but got tails from the flip, it's easy to say "I should have chosen tails!" That isn't fair though. You had the information at the time that each outcome was equal, and made your choice with that knowledge at the time. The outcome being unfavorable doesn't make you stupid or unreasonable for your choice, you simply didn't have the clarity that hindsight brings. At the time you made your choices, you felt like you still had the chances to work everything out, and moved forward accordingly. Now you have new data, and new choices to make. What you know now doesn't invalidate what you did before, you did the best you could with what you had.
It's hard to say more on what his sister said without more, but I want to focus on your interpretation of it. What makes her statement a cop-out? I know you want to keep your husband with you, but if he's determined to leave, what can either of you do? Force him to stay? I know it's painful and unfair, but if his choice is to leave, no one could make him stay.
When you hear the three C's on here, I think the hardest one to truly accept is that you can't control it. You can't control the addiction, and you can't control the person plagued by it. While my AH was spiraling, it was crushing to feel so powerless to control him. I just wanted him home with me, safe, sober, and happy. But I couldn't make that happen. If he had decided to end his life during that time, there was literally nothing I could do to stop him. It's a heart breaking feeling.
The silver lining to accepting that you can't control your partner is realizing you are released from the guilt of feeling like you caused it. If there is nothing you can do to stop a person from drinking, how could you possibly be responsible for when they do? I know that doesn't make the fear of something happening to them any easier, but the responsibility for the consequences of his actions is not your burden to bear.
Have you tried looking up meetings with al anon or other support groups in person? It sounds like that physical interaction will help you.
I understand how desperately you want answers, and to know why all this is happening. Your feelings in this are totally valid. Unfortunately addiction leaves everyone effected by it with more questions than answers. There are many of us here with stories of our loved ones doing unimaginable, unreasonable things. It's never a fair situation.
You aren't a failure for not seeing this coming. An addict's choices are unpredictable, and self serving. Many of us look back on our experiences and ask ourselves how we didn't see things plainly. It simply isn't a fair thing to do to yourself though. If you flipped a coin, the chance of getting heads or tails is the same. If you called heads, but got tails from the flip, it's easy to say "I should have chosen tails!" That isn't fair though. You had the information at the time that each outcome was equal, and made your choice with that knowledge at the time. The outcome being unfavorable doesn't make you stupid or unreasonable for your choice, you simply didn't have the clarity that hindsight brings. At the time you made your choices, you felt like you still had the chances to work everything out, and moved forward accordingly. Now you have new data, and new choices to make. What you know now doesn't invalidate what you did before, you did the best you could with what you had.
It's hard to say more on what his sister said without more, but I want to focus on your interpretation of it. What makes her statement a cop-out? I know you want to keep your husband with you, but if he's determined to leave, what can either of you do? Force him to stay? I know it's painful and unfair, but if his choice is to leave, no one could make him stay.
When you hear the three C's on here, I think the hardest one to truly accept is that you can't control it. You can't control the addiction, and you can't control the person plagued by it. While my AH was spiraling, it was crushing to feel so powerless to control him. I just wanted him home with me, safe, sober, and happy. But I couldn't make that happen. If he had decided to end his life during that time, there was literally nothing I could do to stop him. It's a heart breaking feeling.
The silver lining to accepting that you can't control your partner is realizing you are released from the guilt of feeling like you caused it. If there is nothing you can do to stop a person from drinking, how could you possibly be responsible for when they do? I know that doesn't make the fear of something happening to them any easier, but the responsibility for the consequences of his actions is not your burden to bear.
Have you tried looking up meetings with al anon or other support groups in person? It sounds like that physical interaction will help you.
A) If he stays he will be living a lie and die a drunk, B) he is unhappy and does not know why, C) he will not live here unhappy for the rest of his life under a microscope (hes mad because I was watching the phone records for over a year and I had every right since he was lying to me). Whether or not these things are truth or just more lies I will never know.
He is not good at communicating and never was - always held stuff in and then exploded later. I do not think he ever learned good coping skills.
All in all we had a great marriage and did everything together (hunting/fishing/shopping/landscape projects/vacation - you name it, we were like peanut butter and jelly. So what flipped/changed ...the disease finally kicked in / late mid life feelings??
This therapist he saw for one year - it really does not seem like she did anything for him because myself nor our friends has seen any changes in him and he has the strangest relationship with this therapist where its like he can text or call her anytime. Very odd ....I do not even have that with mine. Its once a week unless an emergency. What I did witness was him always having 2-3 beers before his sessions, he had beer right before we had a court date, beer before a funeral, it eventually became beer ALL the time (right after work he would get a 20oz and then drive home, then drink 3-5 more. He would take beer out to his hunting blind....he never did that.
Do you think that by him getting divorced he will be happy all of a sudden? He keeps saying that when he goes hunting in Wisconsin the end of the month he hopes a light switch will go off. My therapist says no it wont ....the alcohol is controlling everything.
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Ldm......By what you have shared. it appears that he has been gone only about 4-5 months? I know that feels, to you, like an eternity----but, to the grieving heart, it really does take more time than that to begin to see blue skies, again. Especially. if you have invested yourself into something very deeply.
I would expect you to have many many feelings to still go through.
My experience with grieving this kind of loss---and my observation of others going through the same thing---there is a period of doing intensive, almost constant rumination about the relationship----and, asking question after question and filtering through all of the memories of everything that happened. Sometimes, to the point that one's brain is just spinning----and feeling just suspended i n confusion and feeling dysphoric----This does feel strange and painful.
This does niot last forever----eventually, the pictures inside of our head begin to "settle"---bit, by bir, to something that makes more "sense" to us---and, slowly--bit by bit. we begin to turn our thought more toward the future than living in just the past.
If you are feeling or relating to any of this---I suggest that you can still expect some more of this Natural Process. Grief thates the time that it takes...and, grief will take its Own time.
This is going to be a time of great change for you. How you feel now is not what you will feel in the future.
As we hit life's challenges and crises and live through them---we all change to some degree.
Now, I don't really expect you to believe anything that I am saying to you....and, you probably hate hearing this kind of stuff. I don't expect you to---as you are in too much fresh pain to absorb it, I expect.
But, make note of it, because you may remember it, later.
I would expect you to have many many feelings to still go through.
My experience with grieving this kind of loss---and my observation of others going through the same thing---there is a period of doing intensive, almost constant rumination about the relationship----and, asking question after question and filtering through all of the memories of everything that happened. Sometimes, to the point that one's brain is just spinning----and feeling just suspended i n confusion and feeling dysphoric----This does feel strange and painful.
This does niot last forever----eventually, the pictures inside of our head begin to "settle"---bit, by bir, to something that makes more "sense" to us---and, slowly--bit by bit. we begin to turn our thought more toward the future than living in just the past.
If you are feeling or relating to any of this---I suggest that you can still expect some more of this Natural Process. Grief thates the time that it takes...and, grief will take its Own time.
This is going to be a time of great change for you. How you feel now is not what you will feel in the future.
As we hit life's challenges and crises and live through them---we all change to some degree.
Now, I don't really expect you to believe anything that I am saying to you....and, you probably hate hearing this kind of stuff. I don't expect you to---as you are in too much fresh pain to absorb it, I expect.
But, make note of it, because you may remember it, later.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Ldm......By what you have shared. it appears that he has been gone only about 4-5 months? I know that feels, to you, like an eternity----but, to the grieving heart, it really does take more time than that to begin to see blue skies, again. Especially. if you have invested yourself into something very deeply.
I would expect you to have many many feelings to still go through.
My experience with grieving this kind of loss---and my observation of others going through the same thing---there is a period of doing intensive, almost constant rumination about the relationship----and, asking question after question and filtering through all of the memories of everything that happened. Sometimes, to the point that one's brain is just spinning----and feeling just suspended i n confusion and feeling dysphoric----This does feel strange and painful.
This does niot last forever----eventually, the pictures inside of our head begin to "settle"---bit, by bir, to something that makes more "sense" to us---and, slowly--bit by bit. we begin to turn our thought more toward the future than living in just the past.
If you are feeling or relating to any of this---I suggest that you can still expect some more of this Natural Process. Grief thates the time that it takes...and, grief will take its Own time.
This is going to be a time of great change for you. How you feel now is not what you will feel in the future.
As we hit life's challenges and crises and live through them---we all change to some degree.
Now, I don't really expect you to believe anything that I am saying to you....and, you probably hate hearing this kind of stuff. I don't expect you to---as you are in too much fresh pain to absorb it, I expect.
But, make note of it, because you may remember it, later.
I would expect you to have many many feelings to still go through.
My experience with grieving this kind of loss---and my observation of others going through the same thing---there is a period of doing intensive, almost constant rumination about the relationship----and, asking question after question and filtering through all of the memories of everything that happened. Sometimes, to the point that one's brain is just spinning----and feeling just suspended i n confusion and feeling dysphoric----This does feel strange and painful.
This does niot last forever----eventually, the pictures inside of our head begin to "settle"---bit, by bir, to something that makes more "sense" to us---and, slowly--bit by bit. we begin to turn our thought more toward the future than living in just the past.
If you are feeling or relating to any of this---I suggest that you can still expect some more of this Natural Process. Grief thates the time that it takes...and, grief will take its Own time.
This is going to be a time of great change for you. How you feel now is not what you will feel in the future.
As we hit life's challenges and crises and live through them---we all change to some degree.
Now, I don't really expect you to believe anything that I am saying to you....and, you probably hate hearing this kind of stuff. I don't expect you to---as you are in too much fresh pain to absorb it, I expect.
But, make note of it, because you may remember it, later.
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Ldm......Oh My, you are still in what I think of as the "free bleeding" stage of this. I didn't realize that it was still this fresh.
The actual house must be giving triggers of memories everywhere you turn.
I remember my most painful breakup----and, I was a hot mess for many months. I thought that I would never love again---never like that---I just knew that there would never ever be anyone that I culd feel that about, ever again in my life. Within a year, I met a person (quite unexpectedly) that would eventually become the most wonderful husband, to me. There was no comparison.
Ther is no need to be "alone"----unless you want to.....
The actual house must be giving triggers of memories everywhere you turn.
I remember my most painful breakup----and, I was a hot mess for many months. I thought that I would never love again---never like that---I just knew that there would never ever be anyone that I culd feel that about, ever again in my life. Within a year, I met a person (quite unexpectedly) that would eventually become the most wonderful husband, to me. There was no comparison.
Ther is no need to be "alone"----unless you want to.....
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Being an alcoholic doesn't make someone a bad person. I do think people change over time, though I can't say how much. Addiction causes many changes in its own right as well.
I don't think he meant that he never loved you, not based on the other things you've mentioned on here anyways. Addiction is cruel in the way it twists people inside. When they are in a state where they are defending it, addicts will say anything to protect it, no matter how hurtful. It doesn't matter how much it hurts then to say it or you to hear it, so long as it results in protecting their habit. I would interpret that as he's not in a place where he's capable of providing you the love you deserve, but he may be saying whatever he can to get you to let him go. It's impossible to say, and I'm sorry you have to experience it.
He seems quite convinced of those three potential outcomes, and that seems quite typical of an addict. It's normal for them to see things in those extreme, binary terms. They often live in a world that is so far removed from reality as we know it. As much as it hurts, it's not your place, nor is it in your ability, to dissuade him of those notions. He will have to come to terms with his choices on his own.
I don't know what, or if anything changed that caused that flip you mention. My guess is that the disease was always there in the background. Alcoholism is progressive. It doesn't just hit the ground running. Many people are able to sit at the "functional alcoholic" stage for years before their internal damage and rate of consumption reaches a point they can no longer hide. Sometimes it's impossible to see the struggles someone else is going through, because they hide those inner worlds from us completely.
The therapist does seem odd, but if he's truly at a place where he isn't able to accept outside help, then no therapist will be able to do so. There's no way to tell though. If it were me in your place here, I wouldn't hold my focus on her. Ultimately she's an outside party to the chaos your husband's addiction created. Whether or not she was simply a professional with poor boundaries, or felt he needed that around the clock connection, or something less savory, ultimately it doesn't make a difference for you. The pain and broken trust your husband created with his actions is what matters, and that will take time to come to terms with and work through.
I agree with your therapist, he will not suddenly find happiness from leaving. He may experience the high of "success" at leaving like he's been pushing for, but happiness isn't just something you reach, then stay at. He has a long road of work and recovery ahead for his issues, just like you will need that time to recover from your pains. Worrying about how he's feeling, and imagining how happy he is without you or not isn't productive though. You are not doomed to misery and loneliness. Yes this hurts, it really sucks. It's going to suck for as long as it needs to, until you're ready to move on. Processing that grief will move at just the pace it needs to, like dandylion mentioned. You will be OK. You will be able to strengthen the connections with your current family, and form new connections with others as you heal. It will take time, but you can do it.
I don't think he meant that he never loved you, not based on the other things you've mentioned on here anyways. Addiction is cruel in the way it twists people inside. When they are in a state where they are defending it, addicts will say anything to protect it, no matter how hurtful. It doesn't matter how much it hurts then to say it or you to hear it, so long as it results in protecting their habit. I would interpret that as he's not in a place where he's capable of providing you the love you deserve, but he may be saying whatever he can to get you to let him go. It's impossible to say, and I'm sorry you have to experience it.
He seems quite convinced of those three potential outcomes, and that seems quite typical of an addict. It's normal for them to see things in those extreme, binary terms. They often live in a world that is so far removed from reality as we know it. As much as it hurts, it's not your place, nor is it in your ability, to dissuade him of those notions. He will have to come to terms with his choices on his own.
I don't know what, or if anything changed that caused that flip you mention. My guess is that the disease was always there in the background. Alcoholism is progressive. It doesn't just hit the ground running. Many people are able to sit at the "functional alcoholic" stage for years before their internal damage and rate of consumption reaches a point they can no longer hide. Sometimes it's impossible to see the struggles someone else is going through, because they hide those inner worlds from us completely.
The therapist does seem odd, but if he's truly at a place where he isn't able to accept outside help, then no therapist will be able to do so. There's no way to tell though. If it were me in your place here, I wouldn't hold my focus on her. Ultimately she's an outside party to the chaos your husband's addiction created. Whether or not she was simply a professional with poor boundaries, or felt he needed that around the clock connection, or something less savory, ultimately it doesn't make a difference for you. The pain and broken trust your husband created with his actions is what matters, and that will take time to come to terms with and work through.
I agree with your therapist, he will not suddenly find happiness from leaving. He may experience the high of "success" at leaving like he's been pushing for, but happiness isn't just something you reach, then stay at. He has a long road of work and recovery ahead for his issues, just like you will need that time to recover from your pains. Worrying about how he's feeling, and imagining how happy he is without you or not isn't productive though. You are not doomed to misery and loneliness. Yes this hurts, it really sucks. It's going to suck for as long as it needs to, until you're ready to move on. Processing that grief will move at just the pace it needs to, like dandylion mentioned. You will be OK. You will be able to strengthen the connections with your current family, and form new connections with others as you heal. It will take time, but you can do it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Ldmblack
Do you think that by him getting divorced he will be happy all of a sudden? He keeps saying that when he goes hunting in Wisconsin the end of the month he hopes a light switch will go off. My therapist says no it wont ....the alcohol is controlling everything.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
Being an alcoholic doesn't make someone a bad person. I do think people change over time, though I can't say how much. Addiction causes many changes in its own right as well.
I don't think he meant that he never loved you, not based on the other things you've mentioned on here anyways. Addiction is cruel in the way it twists people inside. When they are in a state where they are defending it, addicts will say anything to protect it, no matter how hurtful. It doesn't matter how much it hurts then to say it or you to hear it, so long as it results in protecting their habit. I would interpret that as he's not in a place where he's capable of providing you the love you deserve, but he may be saying whatever he can to get you to let him go. It's impossible to say, and I'm sorry you have to experience it.
He seems quite convinced of those three potential outcomes, and that seems quite typical of an addict. It's normal for them to see things in those extreme, binary terms. They often live in a world that is so far removed from reality as we know it. As much as it hurts, it's not your place, nor is it in your ability, to dissuade him of those notions. He will have to come to terms with his choices on his own.
I don't know what, or if anything changed that caused that flip you mention. My guess is that the disease was always there in the background. Alcoholism is progressive. It doesn't just hit the ground running. Many people are able to sit at the "functional alcoholic" stage for years before their internal damage and rate of consumption reaches a point they can no longer hide. Sometimes it's impossible to see the struggles someone else is going through, because they hide those inner worlds from us completely.
The therapist does seem odd, but if he's truly at a place where he isn't able to accept outside help, then no therapist will be able to do so. There's no way to tell though. If it were me in your place here, I wouldn't hold my focus on her. Ultimately she's an outside party to the chaos your husband's addiction created. Whether or not she was simply a professional with poor boundaries, or felt he needed that around the clock connection, or something less savory, ultimately it doesn't make a difference for you. The pain and broken trust your husband created with his actions is what matters, and that will take time to come to terms with and work through.
I agree with your therapist, he will not suddenly find happiness from leaving. He may experience the high of "success" at leaving like he's been pushing for, but happiness isn't just something you reach, then stay at. He has a long road of work and recovery ahead for his issues, just like you will need that time to recover from your pains. Worrying about how he's feeling, and imagining how happy he is without you or not isn't productive though. You are not doomed to misery and loneliness. Yes this hurts, it really sucks. It's going to suck for as long as it needs to, until you're ready to move on. Processing that grief will move at just the pace it needs to, like dandylion mentioned. You will be OK. You will be able to strengthen the connections with your current family, and form new connections with others as you heal. It will take time, but you can do it.
I don't think he meant that he never loved you, not based on the other things you've mentioned on here anyways. Addiction is cruel in the way it twists people inside. When they are in a state where they are defending it, addicts will say anything to protect it, no matter how hurtful. It doesn't matter how much it hurts then to say it or you to hear it, so long as it results in protecting their habit. I would interpret that as he's not in a place where he's capable of providing you the love you deserve, but he may be saying whatever he can to get you to let him go. It's impossible to say, and I'm sorry you have to experience it.
He seems quite convinced of those three potential outcomes, and that seems quite typical of an addict. It's normal for them to see things in those extreme, binary terms. They often live in a world that is so far removed from reality as we know it. As much as it hurts, it's not your place, nor is it in your ability, to dissuade him of those notions. He will have to come to terms with his choices on his own.
I don't know what, or if anything changed that caused that flip you mention. My guess is that the disease was always there in the background. Alcoholism is progressive. It doesn't just hit the ground running. Many people are able to sit at the "functional alcoholic" stage for years before their internal damage and rate of consumption reaches a point they can no longer hide. Sometimes it's impossible to see the struggles someone else is going through, because they hide those inner worlds from us completely.
The therapist does seem odd, but if he's truly at a place where he isn't able to accept outside help, then no therapist will be able to do so. There's no way to tell though. If it were me in your place here, I wouldn't hold my focus on her. Ultimately she's an outside party to the chaos your husband's addiction created. Whether or not she was simply a professional with poor boundaries, or felt he needed that around the clock connection, or something less savory, ultimately it doesn't make a difference for you. The pain and broken trust your husband created with his actions is what matters, and that will take time to come to terms with and work through.
I agree with your therapist, he will not suddenly find happiness from leaving. He may experience the high of "success" at leaving like he's been pushing for, but happiness isn't just something you reach, then stay at. He has a long road of work and recovery ahead for his issues, just like you will need that time to recover from your pains. Worrying about how he's feeling, and imagining how happy he is without you or not isn't productive though. You are not doomed to misery and loneliness. Yes this hurts, it really sucks. It's going to suck for as long as it needs to, until you're ready to move on. Processing that grief will move at just the pace it needs to, like dandylion mentioned. You will be OK. You will be able to strengthen the connections with your current family, and form new connections with others as you heal. It will take time, but you can do it.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
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It's ok to be a hot mess. Everyone processes shock, pain, and grief in their own way. There's no shame in letting yourself experience your feelings to the fullest. He was an important connection in your life, it's ok to mourn that loss.
There isn't any set precedent for being "allowed" to do anything. You'll have to find the answers that work for you. I don't think you would be "not allowed" to communicate with him when this is finalized. That said, it might help you to greatly reduce that contact for a time. You don't have to block him or anything if you don't want to, but it could help you switch focus from him to yourself to avoid reaching out when you can.
I don't think any of us can say if he won't want wanting to do with you or not. Addicts are unpredictable at best. There's no way to tell what he really wanted or not, all you know is what he's done.
I know it's unimaginable right now to think of life without him, but I promise you it's not an endless pit of despair. Instead of worrying about the long term, it might help to narrow your focus to the short term.
What have you done today to meet your physical needs? Have you had enough meals? Water? Taken your energetic dog for a walk? Gotten enough sleep? Listened to a good song? It's easy to get wrapped up thinking about all these big questions. Sometimes taking a step back to take care of your physical self gives you the energy to think more clearly.
There isn't any set precedent for being "allowed" to do anything. You'll have to find the answers that work for you. I don't think you would be "not allowed" to communicate with him when this is finalized. That said, it might help you to greatly reduce that contact for a time. You don't have to block him or anything if you don't want to, but it could help you switch focus from him to yourself to avoid reaching out when you can.
I don't think any of us can say if he won't want wanting to do with you or not. Addicts are unpredictable at best. There's no way to tell what he really wanted or not, all you know is what he's done.
I know it's unimaginable right now to think of life without him, but I promise you it's not an endless pit of despair. Instead of worrying about the long term, it might help to narrow your focus to the short term.
What have you done today to meet your physical needs? Have you had enough meals? Water? Taken your energetic dog for a walk? Gotten enough sleep? Listened to a good song? It's easy to get wrapped up thinking about all these big questions. Sometimes taking a step back to take care of your physical self gives you the energy to think more clearly.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
It's ok to be a hot mess. Everyone processes shock, pain, and grief in their own way. There's no shame in letting yourself experience your feelings to the fullest. He was an important connection in your life, it's ok to mourn that loss.
There isn't any set precedent for being "allowed" to do anything. You'll have to find the answers that work for you. I don't think you would be "not allowed" to communicate with him when this is finalized. That said, it might help you to greatly reduce that contact for a time. You don't have to block him or anything if you don't want to, but it could help you switch focus from him to yourself to avoid reaching out when you can.
I don't think any of us can say if he won't want wanting to do with you or not. Addicts are unpredictable at best. There's no way to tell what he really wanted or not, all you know is what he's done.
I know it's unimaginable right now to think of life without him, but I promise you it's not an endless pit of despair. Instead of worrying about the long term, it might help to narrow your focus to the short term.
What have you done today to meet your physical needs? Have you had enough meals? Water? Taken your energetic dog for a walk? Gotten enough sleep? Listened to a good song? It's easy to get wrapped up thinking about all these big questions. Sometimes taking a step back to take care of your physical self gives you the energy to think more clearly.
There isn't any set precedent for being "allowed" to do anything. You'll have to find the answers that work for you. I don't think you would be "not allowed" to communicate with him when this is finalized. That said, it might help you to greatly reduce that contact for a time. You don't have to block him or anything if you don't want to, but it could help you switch focus from him to yourself to avoid reaching out when you can.
I don't think any of us can say if he won't want wanting to do with you or not. Addicts are unpredictable at best. There's no way to tell what he really wanted or not, all you know is what he's done.
I know it's unimaginable right now to think of life without him, but I promise you it's not an endless pit of despair. Instead of worrying about the long term, it might help to narrow your focus to the short term.
What have you done today to meet your physical needs? Have you had enough meals? Water? Taken your energetic dog for a walk? Gotten enough sleep? Listened to a good song? It's easy to get wrapped up thinking about all these big questions. Sometimes taking a step back to take care of your physical self gives you the energy to think more clearly.
something else I wanted to share that took place over the year is how he treated me. How can someone who once loved someone just start being the complete opposite. Last year I fell off the ladder cleaning gutters and he was angry that I fell, I had a leak in my truck tire and he kept saying not his truck not his problem that I needed to get it fixed, he barely did anything around the house, he would get mad if I got in his way, we were on vacation with friends and he would walk in front of me and was just always up and down with his mood/attitude. I just noticed a completely different person. I don’t understand where that comes from.
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Ldm......I have seen lots of drinking alcoholics acting like that---and even worse---and towards their loved ones. Mistreatingtheir parents--kids---and domestic partners.
Many times, they don't even remember it---(blackout)....and, they often deny that it even happened when reminded.
I have worked with lots of alcoholics, over the years. I have seen it professionally and in my personal life.
Many times, they don't even remember it---(blackout)....and, they often deny that it even happened when reminded.
I have worked with lots of alcoholics, over the years. I have seen it professionally and in my personal life.
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Everyone here helped me so much when I was spiraling on “what was true and what wasn’t.” Likely, whatever he believes as ‘the truth’ isn’t real—as said before, it’s whatever is needed to protect the addiction. BUT it’s real to him. And he’s going to base his life decisions around that for as long as addiction is in the front seat. You pointing out any logical flaws you see in his behavior or words won’t change anything. He won’t be able to see it.
I had to work on the internal boundary of protecting my own understanding of reality/truth for myself. Even if my AXH couldn’t see it. Even (and especially) as he was trying to convince me of his world. Trailmix even came up with the great idea to name his version of reality! Like “John’s World,” for example. So I could put it into context and realize it has no power over me.
Unfortunately, I’m still waiting for real life to catch up with my AXH, and the “other shoe to drop,” as it were. But I didn’t realize at the start of all this how long that can take. Maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years. Sometimes it never happens for our addicted/alcoholic loved ones, at least not in this lifetime. And I love myself too much to not live my own life to it’s fullest while he is figuring that all out. Maybe your husband will come back to earth, maybe he won’t; maybe he’ll get really serious about recovery, maybe he won’t. That’s for him to figure out. In the meantime, please take care of yourself!
I had to work on the internal boundary of protecting my own understanding of reality/truth for myself. Even if my AXH couldn’t see it. Even (and especially) as he was trying to convince me of his world. Trailmix even came up with the great idea to name his version of reality! Like “John’s World,” for example. So I could put it into context and realize it has no power over me.
Unfortunately, I’m still waiting for real life to catch up with my AXH, and the “other shoe to drop,” as it were. But I didn’t realize at the start of all this how long that can take. Maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years. Sometimes it never happens for our addicted/alcoholic loved ones, at least not in this lifetime. And I love myself too much to not live my own life to it’s fullest while he is figuring that all out. Maybe your husband will come back to earth, maybe he won’t; maybe he’ll get really serious about recovery, maybe he won’t. That’s for him to figure out. In the meantime, please take care of yourself!
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You might find music to help. Sure some of it could bring on painful memories, but that's just as good a reason to try something new. If you really want, I could link you to some good death metal. You'll be so busy going "what the h*ll is this?" that you won't even have time to think of other stuff.
I understand not having an appetite, it's pretty normal to feel too distracted by all this to eat. It might help to make up a small schedule for stuff for a while. That way eating, drinking, showering, dog walks etc aren't up to how you feel at the time. It's up to you ofc, everyone finds their own way through these challenges.
Sadly, you're not alone in being mistreated by your husband in this. Addicts are often cruel to those closest to them, and there's no way to predict it. I remember how coming home from work used to give me anxiety, because I didn't know who I was coming home to. Was my partner sober? Drunk? Passed out? Dead? I never knew what I was going to get, and that sort of stress wears you down. I don't know how much of your husband's mood swings were caused by alcohol, another mental issue, or some combination of factors. It's part of why I suggested he might be doing you a favor in this when I first responded. The longer you stay with someone in the full swing of their addiction, the more opportunities they have to hurt you.
You mentioned his stuff is still there, is he coming to get it, or is it stuff he just left behind completely?
I understand not having an appetite, it's pretty normal to feel too distracted by all this to eat. It might help to make up a small schedule for stuff for a while. That way eating, drinking, showering, dog walks etc aren't up to how you feel at the time. It's up to you ofc, everyone finds their own way through these challenges.
Sadly, you're not alone in being mistreated by your husband in this. Addicts are often cruel to those closest to them, and there's no way to predict it. I remember how coming home from work used to give me anxiety, because I didn't know who I was coming home to. Was my partner sober? Drunk? Passed out? Dead? I never knew what I was going to get, and that sort of stress wears you down. I don't know how much of your husband's mood swings were caused by alcohol, another mental issue, or some combination of factors. It's part of why I suggested he might be doing you a favor in this when I first responded. The longer you stay with someone in the full swing of their addiction, the more opportunities they have to hurt you.
You mentioned his stuff is still there, is he coming to get it, or is it stuff he just left behind completely?
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
You mentioned his stuff is still there, is he coming to get it, or is it stuff he just left behind completely?
Many, many people get held hostage by other people's belongings. Especially when the other person is an active addict. Unfortunately it is something that we see around here quite often.
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