bookwarrior

I made a thread here in the last two weeks, questioning whether or not my boyfriend (ex now) was an alcoholic. Turns out, I didn't need to guess.

We broke up this past weekend over his alcoholism. We were together for about ten months. During that time, I had my suspicions but wasn't totally sure. Then I think he started to get a little comfortable and careless. Sometimes I'd come to his house after work and he'd already be drunk, but clearly trying to hide it. More than once I saw him consume 6 or more beers in the span of an hour. This last weekend was my birthday and I had a party. It was costume themed (but not required) and bf was very uncomfortable. He acted like a jerk most of the night and then got so drunk, he could barely stand. We ended up in a fight, he got sent home in an Uber, and on Sunday we broke up.

He messaged me on Monday and told me he realizes now that his drinking is a problem and the root of a lot of other issues too (anxiety, depression, loss of interest in everything). He had already scheduled appointments with three different counselors/therapists in an attempt to get help. He admitted to me that he doesn't know how to stop-- when he's anxious, he looks for a drink. He golfs and is an avid football fan so it's hard for him not to drink in those situations. Both his grandfathers were alcoholics, and he's sure his dad is one too.

Neither of us truly wanted to break up. But he said as much as he loves me and wants to be with me, he knows he can't be a good partner right now. He asked to just take things day by day, week by week and keep in touch for now.

I guess I just don't know what I'm supposed to do in this scenario. I love him and want to support him, but I'm not sure how to do that. I know that getting back together is not an option right now, and probably won't be anytime soon. He has a long road, and on top of that, my friends can't stand him after how he acted on Saturday. I guess I just don't know if it's better for me to just try to move on and be there as a friend when he needs one (because I'm sure he's going to have to get rid of every friend he has now if he's going sober) or what. How do I deal with this? What can I do? I know we were only together for ten months, but I don't really think amount of time together negates the level of feelings involved.
Just upset and at a loss here.

trailmix

Hi book, you're right, only being together a relatively short time doesn't negate your feelings.

It's hard for an alcoholic to not drink in any situation.

So far all he has done is show regret (most alcoholics have lots of regrets) and said he has called therapists etc. That's not a lot of action, but it's a start. That's his side of the street.

You are also really wise to have decided that getting back together right now is not an option. Doing so would only lead to more hurt for you, as you are obviously aware.

It's a good idea to learn as much about alcoholism as you can (for you, not him). It's a good thing to be aware of in life in general for your own protection.

Whatever he is going to choose now is going to be a tough road. Also there is the fact that you have never known him as a sober person. Even if he is successful in getting in to recovery (and a one year mark of full sobriety and active recovery - seeking help etc) you don't really know what that will be - how he will be.

Recovery from alcoholism means total abstinence, he can't drink again ever, or he will be right back on that slippery slope. So, those are all things to take in to consideration, should you decide maybe you would like to carry on in a relationship later on. So you might like to attend a party on the weekend that includes drinks, that's not a really a big draw (in general) for a person who doesn't drink.

All that said, it doesn't hurt, perhaps, to be his friend and listen to him as a friend, but how will that affect you? To be his friend you will need to put aside those romantic feelings, can you do that? That usually takes some good time apart to do, some time of not speaking to each other to let those feelings settle. Maybe a better route (for you) would be to give him a year to attempt recovery and for you to go about your life and see how it all works out? He may not get to recovery, he may, it's an unknown and are you willing to put your feelings on hold while he does that? Is that good for you? Moving on is also an option, of course. You are probably still reeling from the events of the weekend. Taking a few days to talk it out and think about your future is probably not a bad idea. I'm glad you posted.

seekingcalm

Dear Bookwarrior, I think you did the absolute right thing to end this relationship now, and good for him for realizing he is unable to be a good partner right now. If he is serious about getting sober, he will have to focus on himself and really put all he has into the process in order for it to mean anything.
I agree with Trailmix, that a good option would be to ask him to contact you when he has a year of recovery. Anything other than that, with an active alcoholic, he may try to get back into your good graces with talk, and although you seem strong and sure of yourself...do you want to be contacted often with all the updates about what he is planning to do or actually doing? Time will tell...lots of time. Losing you is a consequence of his alcoholism...let him feel it fully. Just my experience. For what it's worth.