My brother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 18
My brother
Hi,
I just need somewhere to vent and share my emotions. My brother and I are in both in our 40's but after a crazy chaotic 18 months, in which we lost our mum to cancer it has been the most difficult period of our lives. My brother was living with her and always wanted to go travelling so that is what he hopes to do. I have realised that his mental health issues were more significant than I first thought. I think my mum acted as a buffer in many ways.
Although I live in another country, we regularly talk on-line and I am starting to see signs of alcohol dependency and the associated damage (I think).
He has shared his difficulties with drinking with me, he was at some point having alcohol free days but now I suspect now. He is drinking about 1 bottle day of wine. His face and nose looked reddened and more bulbus than in our earlier call.
I'm concerned that his 'travelling' is also cutting him off from health services. Not that they can give much support due to the cuts in funding cuts. He did try to get a referral about 6 months and nothing came of it. I think he was swallowed up in the waiting list.
I try talking to him honesty and from a place of concern. He does have a little money put aside from the sale of my mum's house and I'm thinking the best thing is to encourage him to pay privately for rehab. I guess it can save his life. At this stage, I really don't know how motivated he is to change.
I have an 8 year old son that lost his wonderful nan and his other grandmother to cancer in the space of 8 months. Obviously if anything was to happen to my brother it would be heartbreaking for me but I especially can't bare the thought of my son experiencing another death at such a young age.
I'd appreciate any messages of supports or words of wisdom about how best to approach it.
Thanks
Strength123
I just need somewhere to vent and share my emotions. My brother and I are in both in our 40's but after a crazy chaotic 18 months, in which we lost our mum to cancer it has been the most difficult period of our lives. My brother was living with her and always wanted to go travelling so that is what he hopes to do. I have realised that his mental health issues were more significant than I first thought. I think my mum acted as a buffer in many ways.
Although I live in another country, we regularly talk on-line and I am starting to see signs of alcohol dependency and the associated damage (I think).
He has shared his difficulties with drinking with me, he was at some point having alcohol free days but now I suspect now. He is drinking about 1 bottle day of wine. His face and nose looked reddened and more bulbus than in our earlier call.
I'm concerned that his 'travelling' is also cutting him off from health services. Not that they can give much support due to the cuts in funding cuts. He did try to get a referral about 6 months and nothing came of it. I think he was swallowed up in the waiting list.
I try talking to him honesty and from a place of concern. He does have a little money put aside from the sale of my mum's house and I'm thinking the best thing is to encourage him to pay privately for rehab. I guess it can save his life. At this stage, I really don't know how motivated he is to change.
I have an 8 year old son that lost his wonderful nan and his other grandmother to cancer in the space of 8 months. Obviously if anything was to happen to my brother it would be heartbreaking for me but I especially can't bare the thought of my son experiencing another death at such a young age.
I'd appreciate any messages of supports or words of wisdom about how best to approach it.
Thanks
Strength123
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
That's a lot to go through all at once strength, I'm sorry life has piled so much on your plate. I'm not sure the best way to approach that topic with him, particularly from afar. Addicts in general are very defensive of their addictions, and resistant to change.
With my AH, he went through several different detox facilities/ hospitals before being placed in rehab. He didn't like the detox facility I had found when I first joined this site in January. He still harbors a lot of resentment towards me about "being forced" to go to various places, and how those turned out. It took me a lot of time to let go of that sense of blame I held for myself, and realize that his choices and actions are what drove him to need those facilities in the first place.
If he brings the topic of his drinking up to you again, that might be a good time to discuss it. It's likely he'll push back against feeling like he's being forced to go anywhere. You may be able to research a couple of options in his area to suggest, but if he's not interested I wouldn't push it. The sad part is even if you were close by, you still wouldn't be able to make him do anything. He needs to see he needs help for himself, then seek it out. Beyond being loving and giving him someone who will listen, there's not a lot you can do. It's not an easy situation for sure.
What do you have for your own support network? Perhaps you can find support groups around you like al anon and such. I know it's easy to put all your focus into helping your loved one, but it doesn't help either of you to let your own self care fall to the wayside.
With my AH, he went through several different detox facilities/ hospitals before being placed in rehab. He didn't like the detox facility I had found when I first joined this site in January. He still harbors a lot of resentment towards me about "being forced" to go to various places, and how those turned out. It took me a lot of time to let go of that sense of blame I held for myself, and realize that his choices and actions are what drove him to need those facilities in the first place.
If he brings the topic of his drinking up to you again, that might be a good time to discuss it. It's likely he'll push back against feeling like he's being forced to go anywhere. You may be able to research a couple of options in his area to suggest, but if he's not interested I wouldn't push it. The sad part is even if you were close by, you still wouldn't be able to make him do anything. He needs to see he needs help for himself, then seek it out. Beyond being loving and giving him someone who will listen, there's not a lot you can do. It's not an easy situation for sure.
What do you have for your own support network? Perhaps you can find support groups around you like al anon and such. I know it's easy to put all your focus into helping your loved one, but it doesn't help either of you to let your own self care fall to the wayside.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi Strength, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I too have a brother with mental health issues, that also compromises his health and complicates his situation with substances abuse. He is in his 40s, I don't see this ever changing for him. My brother is not what brought me here to SRF&F, but he is definitely one of a number of people in my life who have chosen the path of self medication. It's a hard thing to endure watching somebody you love making such terrible choices, no matter what the relationship is.
I also have a brother in law, also in his 40s who is an alcohol and probably addicted to other things as well, he has been to a very fancy-shmancy rehab, all it did for him was give him an all expenses paid vacation at a luxury facility, with chef prepared meals each day. I'm not saying rehabs don't work, because of course they do.. the ones that cost a lot and the ones that are free... they all work.. but ONLY if the addict wants to be there. In my BIL's case he was just appeasing family. The day he got out he and some woman he met while he was in there disappeared for two weeks on a bender. A LOT of money, not well spent. It's 7 years later and he's worse than ever. Lying about being sober and very painfully, obviously, not sober. He has excuse after excuse why AA won't work for him or how this program or that program isn't what he needs.. blah blah blah.. he is VERY intelligent (genius I.Q.), yet chooses to self medicate his anxiety and depression with booze, barely scraping by doing menial work when he could be making big, big money if he was utilizing his degree. It's so sad to see such an intelligent man succumb to this brutal disease. (Same thing happened to my dad, so very smart, but ended up with wet brain due to his alcoholism. Ouch)
My advice to you would be to concentrate on yourself and your child. You can do all you can to learn about alcoholism and codependence, it helps to understand why addicts and the people who love them, do what they/we do. Worrying over your brother will only cause you mental and emotional turmoil of your own. I spent a couple decades worrying myself into what culminated as a severe anxiety disorder because of the way my first spouse drank. I wasted so much of my self and my sanity trying to fix for him what he didn't want to fix for himself. I now it's impossible to NOT worry, but what we do with that feeling can make all the difference. When I took the focus off my qualifier and put it educating myself, my situation got a lot more bearable.
If and when your brother wants help, he needs to get that from people who know HOW to help him. You help simply by loving him and encouraging him to keep seeking ways of regaining his health. There really isn't anything you CAN do. You can tell him of your fears, you could try and manipulate him to put down the bottle by guilting him about his nephew...but ultimately, when alcoholics feel bad about things, they usually drink about it. All the manipulating I did to to my AXH "for his own good" (let's be honest I had selfish motives as well) never, ever got me anywhere positive, certainly did cause a lot of resentments though. Just food for thought.
I know you love your brother and want to do whatever you can to help him, I've loved enough addicted people to know exactly what you are going through. I wish I had the words to tell you what to do and say to make it all better, but sadly, those words don't exist.
Hang in there. Keep talking to us, this is a good place to get those feelings typed out. There is definitely something cathartic about writing down our feelings, and this is a safe place to be heard by other people who "get it".
I also have a brother in law, also in his 40s who is an alcohol and probably addicted to other things as well, he has been to a very fancy-shmancy rehab, all it did for him was give him an all expenses paid vacation at a luxury facility, with chef prepared meals each day. I'm not saying rehabs don't work, because of course they do.. the ones that cost a lot and the ones that are free... they all work.. but ONLY if the addict wants to be there. In my BIL's case he was just appeasing family. The day he got out he and some woman he met while he was in there disappeared for two weeks on a bender. A LOT of money, not well spent. It's 7 years later and he's worse than ever. Lying about being sober and very painfully, obviously, not sober. He has excuse after excuse why AA won't work for him or how this program or that program isn't what he needs.. blah blah blah.. he is VERY intelligent (genius I.Q.), yet chooses to self medicate his anxiety and depression with booze, barely scraping by doing menial work when he could be making big, big money if he was utilizing his degree. It's so sad to see such an intelligent man succumb to this brutal disease. (Same thing happened to my dad, so very smart, but ended up with wet brain due to his alcoholism. Ouch)
My advice to you would be to concentrate on yourself and your child. You can do all you can to learn about alcoholism and codependence, it helps to understand why addicts and the people who love them, do what they/we do. Worrying over your brother will only cause you mental and emotional turmoil of your own. I spent a couple decades worrying myself into what culminated as a severe anxiety disorder because of the way my first spouse drank. I wasted so much of my self and my sanity trying to fix for him what he didn't want to fix for himself. I now it's impossible to NOT worry, but what we do with that feeling can make all the difference. When I took the focus off my qualifier and put it educating myself, my situation got a lot more bearable.
If and when your brother wants help, he needs to get that from people who know HOW to help him. You help simply by loving him and encouraging him to keep seeking ways of regaining his health. There really isn't anything you CAN do. You can tell him of your fears, you could try and manipulate him to put down the bottle by guilting him about his nephew...but ultimately, when alcoholics feel bad about things, they usually drink about it. All the manipulating I did to to my AXH "for his own good" (let's be honest I had selfish motives as well) never, ever got me anywhere positive, certainly did cause a lot of resentments though. Just food for thought.
I know you love your brother and want to do whatever you can to help him, I've loved enough addicted people to know exactly what you are going through. I wish I had the words to tell you what to do and say to make it all better, but sadly, those words don't exist.
Hang in there. Keep talking to us, this is a good place to get those feelings typed out. There is definitely something cathartic about writing down our feelings, and this is a safe place to be heard by other people who "get it".
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