before you reach out to your Q....cry
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
before you reach out to your Q....cry
Hi guys... I was super emotional today. I got in the spiral of thoughts of my exAH life will be better without me... Maybe it is all my fault ect ect ect.... The negative thoughts that go through my head that show no truth... but still go through my head. It is all about reprogramming my thoughts ... I am enough, I was always enough, he did not throw me away, his behavior towards me does not mean I am unlovable. Today those thoughts consumed me and my first instinct was to reach out to him and say "I am hurt, I can't believe this actually came to this" ect ect...instead I started to cry. I cried for 2 hours. I cried to every sad song. Then i did a meditation about letting go... I cried some more as the meditation guided me into digging out the pain. It has only been 4 hours since I had the urge to reach out and now I am so happy that I didn't. If I would have reached out I would be in a very different space right now. I would be riled up. Not calm... and just a mess... now I am still sad but calm and not crying. Learning to self soothe has been a game changer ...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
If he is an alcoholic, his life will NOT be better without you. It will be the same as it always was.
I walked away from my alcoholic family 12 years ago. This past weekend I was forced to be at a family event and was shocked to see them. My mother (wife of my AF) is in a daze, seems half out of her mind; my sibling 19 months older than me literally looks 15 to 20 years older than me; my siblings 10 and 12 years younger than me look like they're 5 to 10 years older than me. Not only that, but there's something hard about their faces. They just look hard. The husband I divorced because of his own issues (cheating, lying, gaslighting, out of control spending) -- he just keeps packing on weight and will no doubt be dead within 5 years or so because of his habits.
So don't worry about his life being better without you. I can guarantee it's not and it won't be. If we fix our eyes on the good and the positive, our lives will always end up better than theirs.
I walked away from my alcoholic family 12 years ago. This past weekend I was forced to be at a family event and was shocked to see them. My mother (wife of my AF) is in a daze, seems half out of her mind; my sibling 19 months older than me literally looks 15 to 20 years older than me; my siblings 10 and 12 years younger than me look like they're 5 to 10 years older than me. Not only that, but there's something hard about their faces. They just look hard. The husband I divorced because of his own issues (cheating, lying, gaslighting, out of control spending) -- he just keeps packing on weight and will no doubt be dead within 5 years or so because of his habits.
So don't worry about his life being better without you. I can guarantee it's not and it won't be. If we fix our eyes on the good and the positive, our lives will always end up better than theirs.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
So true, Kaya. I've heard it said so many times here that if we truly want our own recovery, we can't keep looking to those who hurt us to be the ones to heal us. You might have heard someone use the phrase "looking for bread at the hardware store." This thread has a post from the Alanon book "Courage to Change" about what that means.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...are-store.html (Bread at the Hardware Store)
And I agree, learning to meet my own needs, to calm myself when I'm upset or afraid, has been HUGE. I also saved the following line from an SR member's post: It's a new experience for me, learning to be another person’s companion and friend rather than using them as a means to make me feel better.
That smacked me in the head, b/c I felt that this had been a component, sometimes a LARGE component, of pretty much all my relationships.
Glad to hear you're figuring out how to take care of yourself. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other. You'll get there.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...are-store.html (Bread at the Hardware Store)
And I agree, learning to meet my own needs, to calm myself when I'm upset or afraid, has been HUGE. I also saved the following line from an SR member's post: It's a new experience for me, learning to be another person’s companion and friend rather than using them as a means to make me feel better.
That smacked me in the head, b/c I felt that this had been a component, sometimes a LARGE component, of pretty much all my relationships.
Glad to hear you're figuring out how to take care of yourself. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other. You'll get there.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
[QUOTE=LovelyKaya33333;7706147I started to cry. I cried for 2 hours. I cried to every sad song. Then i did a meditation about letting go... I cried some more as the meditation guided me into digging out the pain. It has only been 4 hours since I had the urge to reach out and now I am so happy that I didn't. If I would have reached out I would be in a very different space right now. I would be riled up. Not calm... and just a mess... now I am still sad but calm and not crying. Learning to self soothe has been a game changer ...[/QUOTE]
Kaya, you really are putting in the good hard work of recovery for yourself. I hope it pays out in spades for you.
Kaya, you really are putting in the good hard work of recovery for yourself. I hope it pays out in spades for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
LOVE THIS!!
I have the same anxiety loops/thoughts. Less now, but they are one of my go-tos in times of upset!
Recently it was triggered because out of nowhere he blocked me on everything. And since I couldn’t “see” how he’s doing my brain jumped to “he’s so happy and he just doesn’t want to see you because you’re awful and bring him down and he’s better off without you…” blah blah blah. Until I stopped and thought, “maybe that’s why he doesn’t want you to see anything? Because if you could, you would immediately know he’s not doing well.” And I realized I fell right into it. So I shook it off, vented to some friends, had a good cry, went for a good walk, and bounced back!
I have the same anxiety loops/thoughts. Less now, but they are one of my go-tos in times of upset!
Recently it was triggered because out of nowhere he blocked me on everything. And since I couldn’t “see” how he’s doing my brain jumped to “he’s so happy and he just doesn’t want to see you because you’re awful and bring him down and he’s better off without you…” blah blah blah. Until I stopped and thought, “maybe that’s why he doesn’t want you to see anything? Because if you could, you would immediately know he’s not doing well.” And I realized I fell right into it. So I shook it off, vented to some friends, had a good cry, went for a good walk, and bounced back!
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