My Mother is Dying From Alcoholism
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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My Mother is Dying From Alcoholism
Hi everyone. My name is Tess and I’m 19. I have been, and routinely, googling the answers to many questions that have no answers.
If anything, reading others experiences has helped me come to some other realizations. But I feel I need to contribute my own experience and reach out for empathy. I don’t know where to start and but here it goes. I guess I’ll go with what I’m currently facing.
My mother is 55 and has been struggling with alcoholism for over 20 years. In the last 10 years, it has become increasingly worse.
For the past 3 years, she has been in and out of the hospital from suffering severe complications from alcohol withdrawal (Delirium tremens, seizures, sepsis, kidney failure etc)
I can still remember the first time that her alcoholism shifted from dealing with her actions to dealing with the medical standpoint of things.. or should I say facing death?
When I was 15/16, I found her on her bedroom floor with her tongue sticking out and matted blood/hair in her mouth. She had seized and bit her tongue. I still can’t get the image out of my head.
Ever since, I’ve been more consumed with helping her recover and come to the realization that I have forgiven, and continue to forgive any trauma she has caused me (or rather her alcoholism has caused me)
About two years ago, she called me really upset and had been drinking a little bit. She was desperate to be sober and had been trying to get in touch with an alternative addiction therapist who she had seen on TV. None of the AA, rehabs, or traditional programs are effective for her. I called his office and was able to get her in his program. She had been sober until July 2020. Ever since, the same instances of with-drawling and in and out of hospitals have continued to occur at-least 5 times a year. She hasn’t tried to reach out to him or any other program since.
She doesn’t drink all the time, she’ll go on a binge that could last a night or more. But every time she drinks now it results in the with-drawls. And she tries to get through them at home, sometimes successfully, but normally it gets so bad she becomes incoherent and I have to call an ambulance.
I’ve had countless conversations about getting healthcare power of attorney so at the least I can make her go to the hospital instead of waiting for her withdrawls to get to a life threatening point.
But I guess she just can’t come to the realization how severe things get or even how they impact me. She doesn’t remember being in the hospital for a week. She doesn’t remember the delirium I witness.
Anyways. I’m in my second year of college, and I’m not doing all that well. I’m so consumed with taking care of her. I have no idea what I want to be, and I’m losing motivation with my courses. I’ve recently moved out, and the day I left she drank again. On day 5 of being gone, I knew she was going through withdrawls again. I also know my father and brother wouldn’t check to see if she was alive in the next room. So here I am back at home. I took her to the hospital not long after. Thank god she did so willingly this time. She spent five days there and now is back. She was fine when I brought her home but a few hours later is somehow in a delirious state again. She acts almost the same way she does when she drinks, but I know she isn’t drinking.
She eventually returns to her normal state but I know one of these days she won’t. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to deal with the same cycle over and over again. If I’m not home with her, I worry about the next time she’ll drink. But more importantly, I can’t refuse to care for her when this does happen again.
I plan to go back to the place I just moved into after she at least returns to her right mind. But in the mean time, I'm so desperate to find a way to cope with this and cope with seeing her temporarily brain damaged.
How do I let go? How can I allow myself to move on knowing that I’m the only person that would find her on the brink of death?
I’m destroying my own life by being so worried about rescuing her. I know that if and when she passes, I did the absolute best I could have to support her, but I still find a way to blame myself for her drinking again or think I should be doing more. I know I’m already doing too much, but I can’t find a way to stop. I can’t find a way to give up on her when I can’t tell if she’s given up fighting this disease.
If anything, reading others experiences has helped me come to some other realizations. But I feel I need to contribute my own experience and reach out for empathy. I don’t know where to start and but here it goes. I guess I’ll go with what I’m currently facing.
My mother is 55 and has been struggling with alcoholism for over 20 years. In the last 10 years, it has become increasingly worse.
For the past 3 years, she has been in and out of the hospital from suffering severe complications from alcohol withdrawal (Delirium tremens, seizures, sepsis, kidney failure etc)
I can still remember the first time that her alcoholism shifted from dealing with her actions to dealing with the medical standpoint of things.. or should I say facing death?
When I was 15/16, I found her on her bedroom floor with her tongue sticking out and matted blood/hair in her mouth. She had seized and bit her tongue. I still can’t get the image out of my head.
Ever since, I’ve been more consumed with helping her recover and come to the realization that I have forgiven, and continue to forgive any trauma she has caused me (or rather her alcoholism has caused me)
About two years ago, she called me really upset and had been drinking a little bit. She was desperate to be sober and had been trying to get in touch with an alternative addiction therapist who she had seen on TV. None of the AA, rehabs, or traditional programs are effective for her. I called his office and was able to get her in his program. She had been sober until July 2020. Ever since, the same instances of with-drawling and in and out of hospitals have continued to occur at-least 5 times a year. She hasn’t tried to reach out to him or any other program since.
She doesn’t drink all the time, she’ll go on a binge that could last a night or more. But every time she drinks now it results in the with-drawls. And she tries to get through them at home, sometimes successfully, but normally it gets so bad she becomes incoherent and I have to call an ambulance.
I’ve had countless conversations about getting healthcare power of attorney so at the least I can make her go to the hospital instead of waiting for her withdrawls to get to a life threatening point.
But I guess she just can’t come to the realization how severe things get or even how they impact me. She doesn’t remember being in the hospital for a week. She doesn’t remember the delirium I witness.
Anyways. I’m in my second year of college, and I’m not doing all that well. I’m so consumed with taking care of her. I have no idea what I want to be, and I’m losing motivation with my courses. I’ve recently moved out, and the day I left she drank again. On day 5 of being gone, I knew she was going through withdrawls again. I also know my father and brother wouldn’t check to see if she was alive in the next room. So here I am back at home. I took her to the hospital not long after. Thank god she did so willingly this time. She spent five days there and now is back. She was fine when I brought her home but a few hours later is somehow in a delirious state again. She acts almost the same way she does when she drinks, but I know she isn’t drinking.
She eventually returns to her normal state but I know one of these days she won’t. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to deal with the same cycle over and over again. If I’m not home with her, I worry about the next time she’ll drink. But more importantly, I can’t refuse to care for her when this does happen again.
I plan to go back to the place I just moved into after she at least returns to her right mind. But in the mean time, I'm so desperate to find a way to cope with this and cope with seeing her temporarily brain damaged.
How do I let go? How can I allow myself to move on knowing that I’m the only person that would find her on the brink of death?
I’m destroying my own life by being so worried about rescuing her. I know that if and when she passes, I did the absolute best I could have to support her, but I still find a way to blame myself for her drinking again or think I should be doing more. I know I’m already doing too much, but I can’t find a way to stop. I can’t find a way to give up on her when I can’t tell if she’s given up fighting this disease.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 142
Your mother was sober for two years? Then she knows how to get help when she wants to do so. It is so not your job to look after an adult woman like this. It is heartwrenchingly sad, but if she wants to get better she has to be the one to seek help. Until then you are just sacrificing your life on the altar of her addiction. I am sorry you are in this situation, but you have come to the right place. There is much wisdom and understanding available to you here.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 5
Not just any adult woman I am looking after, it's my mother. It also doesn't feel like a job, it feels like an instinct. I am now an "adult" myself and how does that make it any easier to combat adversity? You can have 50 years of life and experience, and still fail to acquire the needed wisdom to make it by. She's been sober on and off her whole life. I struggle with addiction also, and have managed to stay sober, but it's a life long fight. It's not as simple as "getting help". Especially considering the endless amounts of non-effective "resources" or "help". She's been fighting harder than ever, but these slip ups that happen every once in a while make it harder to fight back. She's damaging her brain in the process. I've seen that many people have posted here that they chose to leave their alcoholic/addict parent behind, and when they die, it's even harder to grieve. Don't we all need friends/family to be supportive during recovery? Imagine how much harder it is to do alone... what wisdom and understanding can I really find here?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,638
Hi tess. I'm really so sorry for your situation, it's so traumatic and hurtful.
What support do you have? Have you tried Al Anon? If not I would recommend looking for a meeting in your area or they even have them online. Does your school provide any counselling at all?
I know I'm talking about you, not your Mother but honestly you do need support, this is really too hard to go alone. I assume there are no other family members involved with her care? Siblings, Aunts or uncles?
But you do have us!
I totally understand your need to take care of your Mom, but perhaps there is assistance there as well that you aren't aware of? You could even call the hospital perhaps and speak with a social worker or her primary care doctor (if she has one) and find out what, if any resources there are in your area. Perhaps there is some kind of home care available, even part time, or a live in facility, to give you more freedom.
What support do you have? Have you tried Al Anon? If not I would recommend looking for a meeting in your area or they even have them online. Does your school provide any counselling at all?
I know I'm talking about you, not your Mother but honestly you do need support, this is really too hard to go alone. I assume there are no other family members involved with her care? Siblings, Aunts or uncles?
But you do have us!
I totally understand your need to take care of your Mom, but perhaps there is assistance there as well that you aren't aware of? You could even call the hospital perhaps and speak with a social worker or her primary care doctor (if she has one) and find out what, if any resources there are in your area. Perhaps there is some kind of home care available, even part time, or a live in facility, to give you more freedom.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
tess
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with another adult's mess. While it is your mother she did and has made major decisions on her own before you. So it's not all on you. Alcoholism isn't something you can make her recover from. Speaking from years of sobriety, not every resource is for everyone, but be careful of dismissing some of them because someone didn't fully commit down a road.
Praying for you.
AG
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with another adult's mess. While it is your mother she did and has made major decisions on her own before you. So it's not all on you. Alcoholism isn't something you can make her recover from. Speaking from years of sobriety, not every resource is for everyone, but be careful of dismissing some of them because someone didn't fully commit down a road.
Praying for you.
AG
Originally Posted by tessd56 
Not just any adult woman I am looking after, it's my mother. It also doesn't feel like a job, it feels like an instinct. I am now an "adult" myself and how does that make it any easier to combat adversity? You can have 50 years of life and experience, and still fail to acquire the needed wisdom to make it by. She's been sober on and off her whole life. I struggle with addiction also, and have managed to stay sober, but it's a life long fight. It's not as simple as "getting help". Especially considering the endless amounts of non-effective "resources" or "help". She's been fighting harder than ever, but these slip ups that happen every once in a while make it harder to fight back. She's damaging her brain in the process. I've seen that many people have posted here that they chose to leave their alcoholic/addict parent behind, and when they die, it's even harder to grieve. Don't we all need friends/family to be supportive during recovery? Imagine how much harder it is to do alone... what wisdom and understanding can I really find here?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
I'm so sorry to hear your story. One of my best friends' mother is probably similar to how you describe - definitely going to die from alcoholism. My parents have a number of friends who died from alcoholism down in Costa Rica. They watched 2 of them drink themselves to death it was horrible and the other 2 fell down the stairs drunk and died. They did things to help all of these people and I understand your love to your mother and you want to remain dedicated - but can you find a way to remain dedicated and not ruin your own life in the process? Set some boundaries that you will go and help when it won't severely negatively impact your own life prospects. It sounds insanely impossible - but you sound so intelligent and I hope you don't risk your whole future while at the same time honoring your love and relationship with your mother.
As above maybe try a virtual AlAnon meeting?
As above maybe try a virtual AlAnon meeting?
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Litchfield, SC
Posts: 585
You rarely see a one-size-fits-all suggestion, but I sure agree with Al-Anon here. Until you get to a meeting, "The 3 C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it."
I'm astonished by your bravery, compassion and maturity at such a young age. Wish you the best. SS
I'm astonished by your bravery, compassion and maturity at such a young age. Wish you the best. SS
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Tess
Addiction in those we love, is truly heartbreaking, and it's ripples are wide, impacting on all those around it. I am sorry that you are experiencing this.
My son is the addict in my life, and like everyone on the forum, I can relate to the devastation it causes us. Sadly, we cannot control any choices or outcomes our loved ones make. You have already discovered this with your mother, as I have with my son. You can't save her, just as I can't save him.
It is so hard to accept, but I had to come to the point of acceptance, in order to protect my physical health and my sanity. I became physically unwell due to the stress of trying to "fix" him.
You are aware of how this is impacting on you and your life . You are just starting out on your adult journey through life, and there are so many experiences and opportunities infront of you. Don't miss out on these. Sacrificing your own life, won't make your mum better. I could have put myself on the sacrificial alter for my son, and not one jot of a difference was made.
You have witnessed the progression of her alcoholism over the years, and witnessed things you shouldn't have had to. This will continue to be the way things go, until your mum seeks change. It's so sad, I know. She is the same age as me.
It is really important that you get support for yourself, to help you to cope with the worries and anxieties about your mum, and perhaps support so that you can come to understand, that there is nothing you can do to change her - this needs to come from her. She may or may not, be able to do this. Would she warrant supported care, even for a temporary period? I would recommend that you identify what options are available.
Your Dad and brother live at home, may I ask why they don't show concern over your mum?
Taking this responsibility for your Mum, will severly impact on you, even more than it is now. I understand the love you have for her, as I have for my son, but love isn't enough, when addiction is in the picture. All we can do, is find a way to live, alongside unresolved issues. We can't resolve issues that aren't ours, but we can find a way to live our life in a better way.
Much Love
Bute x
Addiction in those we love, is truly heartbreaking, and it's ripples are wide, impacting on all those around it. I am sorry that you are experiencing this.
My son is the addict in my life, and like everyone on the forum, I can relate to the devastation it causes us. Sadly, we cannot control any choices or outcomes our loved ones make. You have already discovered this with your mother, as I have with my son. You can't save her, just as I can't save him.
It is so hard to accept, but I had to come to the point of acceptance, in order to protect my physical health and my sanity. I became physically unwell due to the stress of trying to "fix" him.
You are aware of how this is impacting on you and your life . You are just starting out on your adult journey through life, and there are so many experiences and opportunities infront of you. Don't miss out on these. Sacrificing your own life, won't make your mum better. I could have put myself on the sacrificial alter for my son, and not one jot of a difference was made.
You have witnessed the progression of her alcoholism over the years, and witnessed things you shouldn't have had to. This will continue to be the way things go, until your mum seeks change. It's so sad, I know. She is the same age as me.
It is really important that you get support for yourself, to help you to cope with the worries and anxieties about your mum, and perhaps support so that you can come to understand, that there is nothing you can do to change her - this needs to come from her. She may or may not, be able to do this. Would she warrant supported care, even for a temporary period? I would recommend that you identify what options are available.
Your Dad and brother live at home, may I ask why they don't show concern over your mum?
Taking this responsibility for your Mum, will severly impact on you, even more than it is now. I understand the love you have for her, as I have for my son, but love isn't enough, when addiction is in the picture. All we can do, is find a way to live, alongside unresolved issues. We can't resolve issues that aren't ours, but we can find a way to live our life in a better way.
Much Love
Bute x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi tess. I'm really so sorry for your situation, it's so traumatic and hurtful.
What support do you have? Have you tried Al Anon? If not I would recommend looking for a meeting in your area or they even have them online. Does your school provide any counselling at all?
I know I'm talking about you, not your Mother but honestly you do need support, this is really too hard to go alone. I assume there are no other family members involved with her care? Siblings, Aunts or uncles?
But you do have us!
I totally understand your need to take care of your Mom, but perhaps there is assistance there as well that you aren't aware of? You could even call the hospital perhaps and speak with a social worker or her primary care doctor (if she has one) and find out what, if any resources there are in your area. Perhaps there is some kind of home care available, even part time, or a live in facility, to give you more freedom.
What support do you have? Have you tried Al Anon? If not I would recommend looking for a meeting in your area or they even have them online. Does your school provide any counselling at all?
I know I'm talking about you, not your Mother but honestly you do need support, this is really too hard to go alone. I assume there are no other family members involved with her care? Siblings, Aunts or uncles?
But you do have us!
I totally understand your need to take care of your Mom, but perhaps there is assistance there as well that you aren't aware of? You could even call the hospital perhaps and speak with a social worker or her primary care doctor (if she has one) and find out what, if any resources there are in your area. Perhaps there is some kind of home care available, even part time, or a live in facility, to give you more freedom.
We have a broken family. We are isolated in our rooms and do our own thing. My father is actually her ex-husband who used the excuse of CPS wanting his supervision over us many years ago to live here, when in all actuality he is an addict himself. Selfish, a whole different level than alcoholism, and I simply don't have the energy or care to confront that. To put it in perspective, at one point when she was severely ill from withdrawls at home, it was midnight and he didn't want to call an ambulance until the morning to avoid judgement from neighbors. My twin brother lives here but does not care enough to help- still immature and resentful. Other than that, my dad doesn't keep contact with his family and I haven't tried to keep any connections with them. My mom is adopted and has no living parents or any siblings that she still talks to.
I think that my mom has a slightly unique case with how she responds to alcohol now and the withdrawls. The hospital had to double check with me that she only drank one day and still suffered withdrawl. When they discharge her, hours later she becomes confused or out of it again, and I have tried calling back to see what I can do or what help I can get but I don't seem to get much out of them. I'm not sure if they notice she is repeatedly in there and their "attempts" to offer help before she is discharged are the same- repetitive and non effective. I will look more into resources I could use for her care with her primary care doctor, and also resources she might be interested in to assist her in recovery.
I've thought about going to Al-anon meeting and have been recommended once or twice, but haven't got there. I have tried to go to multiple different therapists and psychiatrists, almost all covered by insurance and have no help to offer me. Instead a gaping mouth in disbelief. I continue to try and find somewhere/someone to see but haven't ever been satisfied; so I feel pretty hopeless in finding the place for me. I imagine my mom probably feels a similar way considering she's been to dozens and dozens of different therapists, groups, and rehabs. The thing that has helped her the most has been me. I'm sure my school does have a counsellor, I again, don't have much hope for it but should try. It is hard finding suitable "help" for her and myself. I question if I am the issue or if I'm too picky, but I think I need to just keep trying. If anything, I need it more than ever and hope I don't sound like I'm focusing her too much. I do have trouble coping and sometimes it makes me want to drink myself; but I stay as strong as possible and avoid it at all costs. Instead I am just a ball of stress and worry.
Hope you don't mind the long answer, I am also thinking about what other people commented and trying to give as much info as I can. Maybe I'll just print out what I am writing so I don't have to keep relaying my story in the search for advice. (:
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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I'm so sorry you are having to deal with another adult's mess. While it is your mother she did and has made major decisions on her own before you. So it's not all on you. Alcoholism isn't something you can make her recover from. Speaking from years of sobriety, not every resource is for everyone, but be careful of dismissing some of them because someone didn't fully commit down a road.
Praying for you.
I know it's not all on me, but somehow I've managed to put it all on me. And I know I can't make her recover, it's more about supporting myself and possibly her too if I can find a balance. Because even if she never does recover, I still will have to find a way to recover from witnessing the self destruction. It's hard for me to deal with my own addictions even being so young, and I imagine it could be hard for me throughout life to maintain stability. She went to school, got her law degree, and had kids before falling into the pit of alcoholism. I haven't even started my life and I am trying to dodge the path of it. Thank you for your comment, I do understand dismissing resources because I myself haven't fully committed down the road for some. It wasn't something I could commit to if so, or I just don't realize I am avoiding something that could be more beneficial than I think.
Praying for you.
I know it's not all on me, but somehow I've managed to put it all on me. And I know I can't make her recover, it's more about supporting myself and possibly her too if I can find a balance. Because even if she never does recover, I still will have to find a way to recover from witnessing the self destruction. It's hard for me to deal with my own addictions even being so young, and I imagine it could be hard for me throughout life to maintain stability. She went to school, got her law degree, and had kids before falling into the pit of alcoholism. I haven't even started my life and I am trying to dodge the path of it. Thank you for your comment, I do understand dismissing resources because I myself haven't fully committed down the road for some. It wasn't something I could commit to if so, or I just don't realize I am avoiding something that could be more beneficial than I think.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Aw, well I hope she definitely doesn't die from it, but I agree that is the reality I'm facing and it appears that is the way it is heading. If not the alcohol withdrawl itself, then the medical problems caused by it. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is your best friend choosing to do? Support her mother, save herself from more trauma, or balance the two? Out of curiosity. I am struggling with the path of being there until the end or giving up and focusing on myself. But either way will eventually have to face her inevitable death. It'll break me to get a phone call she is dead and it'll hurt witnessing the destruction, but I'll know I did everything I could have and she died knowing I cared. If I was her, I would hope someone would put up with my damaging ******** if they could handle it and still have some inkling of faith in me. I'm still trying to achieve the impossible and balance the two. It's working out okay but I am striving for better than that. It's just these times where things get bad that makes it a little hard for me not to crumble. A support group would most likely make it easier. Holding in way too much on my own. Appreciate your input.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Tess, I'm so sorry you're going through all this, it sounds utterly overwhelming and exhausting. I know we have the adult children of alcoholics board on here, though it's not viewed as often you may find more people with experiences similar to yours there as well.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
I wish there were easy answers for you, but of course that's not how life works. It sounds like both you and your family may be suffering from compassion fatigue from all of this as well. I'm glad your university has therapy, I hope they're able to support you. The university or your professors may also be able to help you with your schoolwork or connect you with resources to help you at home.
I don't know what I would do in your position either. It's easy on here to tell people they need to get out of these situations, but I remember distinctly how many years issues with my AH's drinking accumulated before they spiraled enough that I could no longer bear it. The love for your family and desire to care for them can push you through a lot of adversity, but they need to be available to do the same for you. You are not a battery to be used up and tossed aside.
You may be able to make a case through the courts to forcibly institutionalize her, since she clearly needs it and you can't meet all her needs yourself, but those options often have a lot of red tape and carry their own challenges.
I don't know if you like to play video games or use services like discord, but there's a lot of online resources and communities for you to reach out to.
If you go to
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...onic-meetings/
You can filter the meetings to suit your needs (like language, meeting day, and platform) and it will show you the meetings at different times on the days you chose.
You can also go to disboard.org and search for discord servers with tags relevant to you, such as alanon or alateen.
Finally, I want to add that deciding to focus on yourself is not "giving up" on your loved one. You are entitled to live your own life. You have done everything in your power to love and care for your mother. The path she's on is terrible, but you are not bound to walk down it with her. You can't keep her warm by setting yourself on fire. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to put your own oxygen mask on first, and focus on your own well being.
I hope we continue to see you on here. There's a lot of people here who care and share their experiences. As someone who writes a small novel with nearly every post, don't worry about the long replies. Sometimes expressing yourself takes writing a lot of words to find the right ones, and that's totally ok.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
I wish there were easy answers for you, but of course that's not how life works. It sounds like both you and your family may be suffering from compassion fatigue from all of this as well. I'm glad your university has therapy, I hope they're able to support you. The university or your professors may also be able to help you with your schoolwork or connect you with resources to help you at home.
I don't know what I would do in your position either. It's easy on here to tell people they need to get out of these situations, but I remember distinctly how many years issues with my AH's drinking accumulated before they spiraled enough that I could no longer bear it. The love for your family and desire to care for them can push you through a lot of adversity, but they need to be available to do the same for you. You are not a battery to be used up and tossed aside.
You may be able to make a case through the courts to forcibly institutionalize her, since she clearly needs it and you can't meet all her needs yourself, but those options often have a lot of red tape and carry their own challenges.
I don't know if you like to play video games or use services like discord, but there's a lot of online resources and communities for you to reach out to.
If you go to
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...onic-meetings/
You can filter the meetings to suit your needs (like language, meeting day, and platform) and it will show you the meetings at different times on the days you chose.
You can also go to disboard.org and search for discord servers with tags relevant to you, such as alanon or alateen.
Finally, I want to add that deciding to focus on yourself is not "giving up" on your loved one. You are entitled to live your own life. You have done everything in your power to love and care for your mother. The path she's on is terrible, but you are not bound to walk down it with her. You can't keep her warm by setting yourself on fire. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to put your own oxygen mask on first, and focus on your own well being.
I hope we continue to see you on here. There's a lot of people here who care and share their experiences. As someone who writes a small novel with nearly every post, don't worry about the long replies. Sometimes expressing yourself takes writing a lot of words to find the right ones, and that's totally ok.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by tessd56
Aw, well I hope she definitely doesn't die from it, but I agree that is the reality I'm facing and it appears that is the way it is heading. If not the alcohol withdrawl itself, then the medical problems caused by it. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is your best friend choosing to do? Support her mother, save herself from more trauma, or balance the two? Out of curiosity. I am struggling with the path of being there until the end or giving up and focusing on myself. But either way will eventually have to face her inevitable death. It'll break me to get a phone call she is dead and it'll hurt witnessing the destruction, but I'll know I did everything I could have and she died knowing I cared. If I was her, I would hope someone would put up with my damaging ******** if they could handle it and still have some inkling of faith in me. I'm still trying to achieve the impossible and balance the two. It's working out okay but I am striving for better than that. It's just these times where things get bad that makes it a little hard for me not to crumble. A support group would most likely make it easier. Holding in way too much on my own. Appreciate your input.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 142
I imagine the hospital is treating her the same way every time because it is the medically accepted way to treat her. As you probably know, once the withdrawal symptoms subside, they do not come back. There are conditions in chronic alcoholism that do have similar symptoms, so she may need treatment for those. Of course, the withdrawal reoccurs after drinking reoccurs, and the ongoing conditions get worse. I realize that knowing all that does not make it easier for you when you are trying to bail water out of a sinking boat with a thimble. I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. If either of you decide to leave your situations, there is a lot of help available when you are ready to take it. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 39
Dear Tess, you sound like such an intelligent, resourceful, mature and compassionate person stuck in an incredibly difficult situation with no ideal answers.
I have an alcoholic family member. Years ago after just a month of fully engaging to try to help her I noticed my own mental health diving and also realised that there was nothing I could really do until she was in a stage of real acknowledgement & determination to heal herself. Sometimes, something is just too big for us. I distance as much as I can but have also lived through very hard family situations where I could not. I understand your love for your mum and your need to feel you did what you could. It's doubly painful too when you are shouldering other family members' lack of care, acknowledgement or responsibility.
It's also really hard to find the right support, social or individual, in some situations particularly with your level of sensitivity & intelligence. But, I do get the feeling from what you write that there are still avenues to explore there in terms of giving yourself, more than your mum, some envelopment. The question I would ask is, how to care for yourself in little or big ways no matter what your decisions are about your mum. The situation is overwhelming for sure. Al-Anon is mentioned - you may feel reticent about this or that resource & if it really doesn't do it for you, you are the one who knows that. But so much depends on who you encounter & also on a level of humility where you can extract what you need from a situation and build up different sources of help & comfort. When you are so absorbed in someone else's dysfunction it's hard to give yourself the attention you need.
I have an alcoholic family member. Years ago after just a month of fully engaging to try to help her I noticed my own mental health diving and also realised that there was nothing I could really do until she was in a stage of real acknowledgement & determination to heal herself. Sometimes, something is just too big for us. I distance as much as I can but have also lived through very hard family situations where I could not. I understand your love for your mum and your need to feel you did what you could. It's doubly painful too when you are shouldering other family members' lack of care, acknowledgement or responsibility.
It's also really hard to find the right support, social or individual, in some situations particularly with your level of sensitivity & intelligence. But, I do get the feeling from what you write that there are still avenues to explore there in terms of giving yourself, more than your mum, some envelopment. The question I would ask is, how to care for yourself in little or big ways no matter what your decisions are about your mum. The situation is overwhelming for sure. Al-Anon is mentioned - you may feel reticent about this or that resource & if it really doesn't do it for you, you are the one who knows that. But so much depends on who you encounter & also on a level of humility where you can extract what you need from a situation and build up different sources of help & comfort. When you are so absorbed in someone else's dysfunction it's hard to give yourself the attention you need.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 39
Dear Tess, you sound like such an intelligent, resourceful, mature and compassionate person stuck in an incredibly difficult situation with no ideal answers.
I have an alcoholic family member. Years ago after just a month of fully engaging to try to help her I noticed my own mental health diving and also realised that there was nothing I could really do until she was in a stage of real acknowledgement & determination to heal herself. Sometimes, something is just too big for us. I distance as much as I can but have also lived through very hard family situations where I could not. I understand your love for your mum and your need to feel you did what you could. It's doubly painful too when you are shouldering other family members' lack of care, acknowledgement or responsibility.
It's also really hard to find the right support, social or individual, in some situations particularly with your level of sensitivity & intelligence. But, I do get the feeling from what you write that there are still avenues to explore there in terms of giving yourself, more than your mum, some envelopment. The question I would ask is, how to care for yourself in little or big ways no matter what your decisions are about your mum. The situation is overwhelming for sure. Al-Anon is mentioned - you may feel reticent about this or that resource & if it really doesn't do it for you, you are the one who knows that. But so much depends on who you encounter & also on a level of humility where you can extract what you need from a situation and build up different sources of help & comfort. When you are so absorbed in someone else's dysfunction it's hard to give yourself the attention you need.
I have an alcoholic family member. Years ago after just a month of fully engaging to try to help her I noticed my own mental health diving and also realised that there was nothing I could really do until she was in a stage of real acknowledgement & determination to heal herself. Sometimes, something is just too big for us. I distance as much as I can but have also lived through very hard family situations where I could not. I understand your love for your mum and your need to feel you did what you could. It's doubly painful too when you are shouldering other family members' lack of care, acknowledgement or responsibility.
It's also really hard to find the right support, social or individual, in some situations particularly with your level of sensitivity & intelligence. But, I do get the feeling from what you write that there are still avenues to explore there in terms of giving yourself, more than your mum, some envelopment. The question I would ask is, how to care for yourself in little or big ways no matter what your decisions are about your mum. The situation is overwhelming for sure. Al-Anon is mentioned - you may feel reticent about this or that resource & if it really doesn't do it for you, you are the one who knows that. But so much depends on who you encounter & also on a level of humility where you can extract what you need from a situation and build up different sources of help & comfort. When you are so absorbed in someone else's dysfunction it's hard to give yourself the attention you need.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Tess,
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a lot for anyone, and especially a lot for a college student.
I'm wondering as you don't have a medical power of attorney, if you can get a social worker involved for your mother's sake. It really sounds as though she needs more care than you can provide, and though I'm always hesitant to get the state involved, in your circumstances, you and she need the support.
My concern is for you, and if you have a support system. My personal experience going through undergrad, working a lot of jobs to keep myself in school, and struggling with my own alcohol addictions and the social messes I created for myself, I finished with a low GPA that affected my choices of grad school and careers. I've watched friends struggle through similar situations. It is really critical for you to do well in school and in life. So if there are ways you can take care of yourself through this -- eating and sleeping regularly, blocking out enough study time, spending time with friends, building and utilising a good support system for yourself -- these are really critical skills you need to do for you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a lot for anyone, and especially a lot for a college student.
I'm wondering as you don't have a medical power of attorney, if you can get a social worker involved for your mother's sake. It really sounds as though she needs more care than you can provide, and though I'm always hesitant to get the state involved, in your circumstances, you and she need the support.
My concern is for you, and if you have a support system. My personal experience going through undergrad, working a lot of jobs to keep myself in school, and struggling with my own alcohol addictions and the social messes I created for myself, I finished with a low GPA that affected my choices of grad school and careers. I've watched friends struggle through similar situations. It is really critical for you to do well in school and in life. So if there are ways you can take care of yourself through this -- eating and sleeping regularly, blocking out enough study time, spending time with friends, building and utilising a good support system for yourself -- these are really critical skills you need to do for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by tessd56
Ever since, I’ve been more consumed with helping her recover and come to the realization that I have forgiven, and continue to forgive any trauma she has caused me (or rather her alcoholism has caused me)
Originally Posted by tessd56
How do I let go? How can I allow myself to move on knowing that I’m the only person that would find her on the brink of death?
I’m destroying my own life by being so worried about rescuing her. I know that if and when she passes, I did the absolute best I could have to support her, but I still find a way to blame myself for her drinking again or think I should be doing more. I know I’m already doing too much, but I can’t find a way to stop. I can’t find a way to give up on her when I can’t tell if she’s given up fighting this disease.
I’m destroying my own life by being so worried about rescuing her. I know that if and when she passes, I did the absolute best I could have to support her, but I still find a way to blame myself for her drinking again or think I should be doing more. I know I’m already doing too much, but I can’t find a way to stop. I can’t find a way to give up on her when I can’t tell if she’s given up fighting this disease.
As for the “how” of letting go, sometimes it helps to just take baby steps. This doesn’t work for everyone, but I think sometimes we feel like it’s “all or nothing” when it comes to support and letting go. I don’t think it always has to be. Maybe start with a list of actions that are definitely not good ideas (like dropping out of school to caretake for your mom, or failing classes because you have to keep traveling back home, etc). Then refine from there, are there nuances? Like “I need at least 6 hours a day that I can focus on me, my personal life, and my studies,” and then try to set time limits on how long you can worry about your mom? (I know it sounds crazy but time limits really helped me when my mom was dying of cancer and my husband relapsing and leaving me because it kept me from spiraling all day, it gave me the permission I needed to find moments of happiness and focus). You are still giving your mom a place in your life and focus, but you are getting more specific and hopefully balanced in how much that dominates your life!
You are not giving up, you are living to fight another day. Pacing yourself in a marathon isn’t giving up, it’s being smart. It’s knowing that you’re running a marathon, and you’re never gonna get there if you sprint and burn out.
You also mention it feels like you can’t stop. Sometimes, helping can become its own addiction. Especially when we feel powerless. Perhaps a counselor or therapist who specializes in addiction issues, family trauma, or codependency might help—you may find they understand better! My therapist really helped me with realizing the weight of the universe isn’t on my shoulders. Instead of seeing my human limitations as weaknesses that means I won’t be “good enough to fix this,” realize I’m SUPPOSED to be human, and limited, and the world isn’t designed to fall apart just because we’re human and humans are fallible. Realize I have permission to be human, and the world isn’t going to fall apart, even when it definitely feels like it is. They may also be able to help with things like realizing it’s not “giving up” on your mom to not be able to do it all. That sometimes, addiction or mental illness or trauma is bigger than us and we can do our best but we still might not conquer the beast. Sometimes the best we can do is make sure we break the chain, and thank the family members who came before us for the progress they made on healing family trauma (even if they couldn’t get as far as we wish), and do our part in continuing the work beyond where they left off. No one benefits if we repeat destructive patterns, I feel.
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