LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys.... Thank you for all your support last week. I got through the funk after hearing my divorce was set in motion ... even though I was the one who filed and there isn't anything left to do but wait it out now. It hit me hard. I meditated. cried a ton...felt like a purge and now doing better.

One of the most helpful thoughts I have replaced is that we aren't soulmates. He is simply a person that lies to get to his next fix. I was a good fix or landing spot for him for a long time. Whether he knew it or not he used my empathy as a tool to get what he needed from me. Whether that was admiration, sex, a cozy warm house, a babysitter, someone to help with the bills... But man oh man when I confronted him about his drinking ... It was like he saw red. He is very charming and a chameleon and I think that is why is felt like soulmates... he became everything that he knew I wanted at first... It is funny....one time he actually told me that everyone likes him because he can talk to them about their things... that he knows what people want to hear and he just goes with that...... I don't think he understood what that actually implied.... So I think he did the same with me. I found out another huge lie while going through old documents.... He told me he had filed for divorce from his other ex wife 6 months before I met him. It turns out it wasn't until a year into us living together he actually filed them..... I saw the date on the paperwork work and was like what the heck.... Another lie or misleading me was he was in debt of $16,000 and didn't tell me until 4 days before our wedding day when he knew i wasn't going to cancel everything.... Just so many lies ...there are so many... but when he explains it he says things like " I knew you wanted to be with me so it was better for you/us cause I knew those things would just make you sad".... Like WTF .... ummmm excuse me exAH but what about telling me the truth so that I could be informed and decide for myself if I was still interested in you!!!.... anyway...now I am just ranting

All in all it has been a much better 2 days. I can't believe I made it 3 months without seeing him... the fog really does start to lift and the sadness really does only come in waves I know I can ride out

SIDE NOTE: As a part of wanting to do self care and do things that help me feel pretty ...I got eye lash extensions and I was allergic... like bad bad bad allergic... I have been on benadryl for 2 straight days...swelling is finally going down.... never again

trailmix

Oh no, about the lashes! They can be so pretty (I haven't tried them). As an aside, because I didn't want to go that route, did you know you can do a last curl and tint? It's like a perm for your eyelashes, but much milder of course. For you though, maybe do an allergy test first!

Some people do use manipulation, purposefully and with intent. I mean we probably all do to a small degree like pleaaaaaaase go shopping with me today. I see this as rather harmless as everyone knows what you are up to.

As for his lying of the "what you don't know won't hurt you" variety (excuse)- actually just talking about it makes me somewhat angry. It's as you said above, when a person lies to you like that they are taking away your power to make and informed decision about how you feel about whatever the thing is. That shows not only a lack of integrity but arrogance and disregard/disrespect for the other person and their thoughts and feelings.

Ok, anyhoo! I'm so glad you got through that and are feeling a bit more positive again, this will all come right for you.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you... It is starting to feel more like a distant memory now ... I mean I have my moments of course like I did for a few days last week ..... I never ever thought I would get to this point. It is like when you first start to workout and eat good and 6 months passes and you see huge results but because you see yourself everyday it doesn't hit you... then one day you look at a picture of yourself when you were heavier and think OMG I have come so far.... That is kinda a metaphor for how this feels. When I saw the document that he hadn't filed for divorce to his other ex wife until a year after we were living together I just thought to myself... ugh gross... yet another lie... I didn't even tear up... it was more like... "Glad I don't have to deal with that confrontation"... feeling... Every week I feel more and more disconnected from the thoughts of him. I think I might be able to date in a few months...or be open to it anyway... I have thought about who I would date and I can already tell that who I was when I met my exAH is very different then who I am today ( 7 years and lots of growth later ) ... Also are the men I am attracted to

Floating

The days come and go! Glad you are feeling better this week! I popped you a PM!

sage1969

I can tell you that I'm a very different person now than I was 4 months ago when I first came to SR after leaving XABF, and also very different from when I went through my AHs death years ago. I don't recognise that self at all.

I have dated, I've set very clear boundaries and intentions, and there've been times I've kindly said no thank you. I don't accept red flags any more. I've dated people I would not have in the past, that has changed also. I'm not looking for that dysfunctional energy any more. I'm still very thoughtful and intentional; I'm still of the opinion that codependency is the worst addiction I've ever faced, and I will always be in recovery.

Cookie314

I'm glad you're feeling better Kaya. It's good to see how much time and self care has helped to heal your wounds.

On a funny note, I haven't even thought about dating at this point, and I suspect I don't even know how. I'm like, right at that cusp of mid range millennial where I know how dating apps and stuff work, but I will be d*mned if I'm actually going to use them. This only leaves me the option to venture outside and meet people, my two least favorite activities. I think I may just get a head start on hoarding cats instead.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you for sharing, Sage. I completely agree. Co-dependency has been far harder than quitting drinking, food addiction and all my other addictions.

Much much harder. Alcohol was a walk in the park in comparison.