Heather77

I met my soul mate three years ago online. That looks just as ridiculous as it sounds.,but it’s my truth. We met online and he was having a hard time emotionally..and I am classically codependant. We talked for hours. He was no longer with,but living with the mother of his sons and I was no longer with,but living with the father of my kids. We had both had emotionally and physically abusive partners,we both wanted happiness. There are many reasons that I believe our connection was u inquest..at least to me. But I introduced him to me friends and family. My mother adored him. Within three months I took a 45 minute ferry ride to meet him. It was a little strange..he was more shy in person but we felt so comfortable already. We spent the weekend in a B&B and got to know each other. It was so relaxed,we literally spent hours drawing and talking and watching movies. The intimacy was there..and then he told me he had been keeping a secret. That he had been addicted to carfentanil and he was on suboxone. He to,d me only because he had missed his dosage appointment and was going through withdrawal. With hours he was sleepy and sick and by the time we said goodbye he was barely present. I was confused,and hurt..and totally ignorant of what I had just gotten involved in. I tried to put some space between us but he was relentless and we soon started talking just as before. He was so kind and funny and I thought he was a great father. His ex upped the abuse because she was jealous and I often heard her screaming horrible things at him and the kids,or attacking him. Meanwhile my ex became an unstable stalker and decided that if he couldn’t have me he was going to retaliate. The whole situation was exhausting and frightening. I enrolled in a program for abuse victims,he discovered that his wife had a sever learning disability and had a genetic syndrome that she had passed to both of their children. I advised him to be compassionate but he was constantly pointing out her failures and at the same time afraid to leave because every time he had she had neglected the children. About a year after we met he stopped taking the Suboxone without help. I was terrified for him. He insisted he could do it. And within months Things started snowballing. He lost his job,he was asking for money every Friday. I felt something was wrong and tried to end things. He moved to the island I live on with his family in tow. His Facebook said that he was back with the ex..but within a month he was calling. I thought..ok maybe with the hurdle of distance gone,we can finally really get to know each other and start a typical relationship. Every time I saw him he was sleepy..he started having issues with the landlord ..of course blaming the landlord. I would call and the kids would answer because their parents were asleep. I would see the old him appear briefly..but enough for me to hang on,and then he would disappear for a few days. Meanwhile all hell was breaking loose at his home. He had become a hoarder bringing things in from the side of the road. He had stopped paying rent,and social services wanted to remove the children and relocate them with family. I tired to help,my mother and a friend actually showed up twice to clear his things out but is was impossible. The kids were briefly removed and he and his ex went back home. He would disappear for weeks..and then reappear. He would often ask for money. I know I’m an idiot..but when he was clear and himself..I loved him so very much..he disappeared again a few months ago..the longest we had ever been apart. He started making strange fb profiles. Not looking like himself ,in one his nose was burned badly. I messaged him but his mum replied saying that it was really bad,that his ex had burned his face,that he had stayed with her and been removed by police,that she didn’t recognize her own son. I continued to message him,sending information on recovery. Sending support. Nothing. Finally his profile pic comes up..in a relationship with..the ex. This man who had demonstrated that he loathed her..in 14 years had never posted about her..or responded to her posts..had total disdain for her..he was writing all over her page. Love you three so much..we will make it through together.. my stomach lurched..I still feel sick thinking of it. She is cognitively disabled,and abusive. His mother to,d me that she wouldn’t allow him to go to treatment because she couldn’t manage the kids. And as illogical as it sounds and is,all I can think is..he loved her more than me. My head is filled with comparisons and questions. How long? What was the point in hanging on to me,was I being used for three years? Was anything true? I loved him completely. I would have remortgaged my home to pay for treatment. I would have paid for therapy for his poor children. I would have supported him and adored him. And I know this is all so very codependant. But labelling the problem,doesn’t take away the pain that comes in waves so hard and so dark I feel like I’m drowning. This is my story today. If you made it to the end I am grateful. Thank you.

Floating

Maybe he was more a karmic soul mate. I used to think my ex fiance was my twin flame but these feelings will pass. You are caught in the whirlwind.

I met my ex online too..easy bc.they can hide and lie
I Got left for a bottle of vodka 3 weeks before my wedding. You can probably relate to how that would feel. It takes awhile to unmess your mind.and regain clarity. But it will come, it will come and you will be so thankful you dodged this bullet in the long run
I felt compelled to reply bc I discovered my ex was a hoarder too when I moved into him, so fast, so soon and right away. I cleaned and cleaned and he clung and clung. Inanimate objects they have more control over.

You know I'm codepencodependet too but this was my wake-up call to work on myself. And take care of me first. You will stop worrying about him so much. You will regain clarity. You will have a great life. But it takes us stepping towards that future horizon with intent and purpose And let go of what doesn't serve us. We are not saviorsAnd we have no control over anyone else.

They hurt us beyond belief and we are shredded of our own identities.

Please stick around here and read a lot. It helps. Don't go back.

Huge hugs from someone who has been there. Stay strong!

sage1969

Sometimes we meet soul mates, karmic connections, twin flames in this lifetime because there are things we need to learn and work through. Sometimes we're not meant to be with them in this lifetime, and that reunification is meant for a different lifetime.

As painful as it is, accept the experiences and wisdom learnt with gratitude and then let it go. Focus on your life in the here and now.

trailmix

Hi Heather, well what a tornado you have been through.

They (the ex and his now not ex) have huge problems as you already know. You cannot help him or her or them (or even the children) at this point. Run for the hills I say!

All that time, love, energy, worry, support you gave away was a waste of your time on someone who has no idea how to receive it or to return any love.

Loves her more than you? That's not love or any kind of love I'm aware of when you fail to look after your children are abusive and intoxicated and one person burns the other person's face?

Them aside, focusing on yourself will make all the difference. Both from healing from this terrible toxic relationship and knowing that it's ok to be a little bit selfish and put yourself first.

Have you read the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? It is the most often recommended book here. If you could shore up some boundaries for yourself you will find your life will be much more peaceful!

As for the pain. It's so important to look at all that has happened very realistically. Not thinking of him as he "could" be or has "potential" to be, but as he really is. He was in withdrawal on your first meeting. He is obviously an addict and yet didn't mention that to you. You are obviously a very compassionate person but in this case it's misplaced perhaps.

He's not a good guy, he's absolutely not relationship material. You will heal, you will laugh again and life will be brighter again. It might be a good idea to make a list of all the terrible things he has done and keep referring to that list often. Then when you start to think of how "good" it could have been, you can pull out that list and see that truly it wasn't and that will keep you grounded (and actually make you feel better surprisingly). It lets you know why you are where you are. This is not personal, his returning to the ex, it's about him, not you.

Going no contact will help you heal, blocking him on all social media. No matter what, please don't give him any more money (it's just for drugs, not rehab or a "fresh start").

Heather77

Thank you! Thank you. Thank you for getting through the spelling errors I made in my panic to just get it all out. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for making me feel a little less alone. So much gratitude.

Heather77

I don’t know how to reply to each poster individually. Thanks to each and every one. I have so much to learn about addiction and what allowed me to continue a very toxic relationship.

Floating

YOu are definitely not alone!! And you're going to look back and thank the friggin stars you never remortgaged your house for him! I will personally guarentee that statement!

sage1969

Definitely read the book recommended above! I've also found that when I'm thinking in way about codependency and energy, that an energetic definition is allowing your energy field to become enmeshed with someone else's. Another way to look at codepency and why it is so very unhealthy to live in this way.

dbyrer

I am sorry for what you have been through. You have found a good place with lots of wisdom, information and support. You felt a deep connection, but the person you imagined him to be is not the person he turned out to be. It is bewildering, but it has happened to a lot of us. If I could give you one bit of advice it would be to cut all ties to him and don't look back. The only life you can save here is your own. If you don't want my advice, please ignore the last two sentences! Good luck.

LovelyKaya33333

Heather.. You are not alone... not at all...not by a long shot. This group saved my sanity and hence my life when i was in the thick of the pain and the hurt and the spinning. I have not seen my AH in 3 months and the difference is incredible. He also is living at his ex wife ( before me) parents house.... so maybe with her too... I was with him for 7 years and married to him... It hurt so so so bad when it happened but slowly and surely it has gone away... I can promise you a few things.. #1 you will get a great deal of support on this forum #2 Reading everyones posts on here, especially the ones you relate to will be so healing... I used to read and re read for hours until I fell asleep reading #3 It will get better in time. The things that helped me the most were

1. This Forum
2. Meditating ( if you google letting go meditations or getting over a breakup meditations... they help a lot)
3. Physical Exercise
4. Not drinking or anything substances that were mind altering
5. Advil PM ....lol to sleep
6. Giving my self grace to only show up for the things that I had to do like work. I let my friends know I may be flaky or crying when I was around them. If all I could do was work, workout and shower that day...it was enough
7. I already had a therapist but we leaned into talking about the divorce more
8. Loosing weight helped me feel great
9. A good night time routine ( for me it is facemask, bubble bath, crest white strips)
10. Lit a candle almost everynight to create a good home space
11. Organize and get rid of anything that reminds you of him
12. Write down in detail all of the things that were odd or strange that he did.
13. Come on this forum and share as much as you need to... Heck in the begining I would share sometimes twice a day. It helped to journal it

We are all here for you

dbyrer

I finally understood that soul mates aren't matched up to be happy and that when two halves come together the whole is usually very dysfunctional. Hate that wisdom has to come through pain, but I guess that is the human experience. You will heal and come through a healthier person.

Cookie314

I think some of this pain comes from the idea of soul mates as a general concept. I went into this a bit in Steph's current thread, but I wanted to point it out here. What is a soul mate to you? How would you define it? What does having one feel like? What makes this person feel like "the one"? What prevents another person from making you feel the positive aspects you felt from them?

I'm pointing this out because I think the idea of a single person being your soul mate is both flawed, and increases feelings of stress and expectations around every relationship. You will meet people who resonate with you deeply. People you connect with on many different levels. Some as friends, some as lovers, some as rivals, etc. People are multifaceted and ever changing, just like you are. Someone who was a perfect fit for you two years ago may be intolerable to you in ten. Those changes don't nullify the importance of their presence in your life at the time, nor the impact on you from that point.

For a somewhat different view, a quick search tells me there's a little over 7.6 billion people on this planet right now. It's a number so large our brains can't really grasp it. If you meet one person per second, it would take you a little over 31 years to meet just 1 billion people. You'd need more than three whole lifetimes to meet everyone that exists just in this one snapshot of time. If we shaved that number down to say that maybe 1% of the population are within various ranges you may be interested in, that's still 76 million people.

To me the idea of any one person you meet being the one, singular individual who is your "soul mate" out of those vast numbers is so miniscule that it's almost laughable. It feels like an impossible task.

I realize how depressing all that sounds, and while I get that ("how will I ever find my soul mate now?!"), my point is to help release you from needing to define your relationships as whether or not they're with "the one." Think of it this way: if finding your one soul mate is approaching impossible, then what are the chances this person is yours? You are free to define your relationships in your own way, with the metrics that hold meaning for you.

No one is perfect for anyone else. The idea that the perfect person for you exists is as ludicrous as the idea that you yourself are perfect. The strong bonds you form with others are important, and when they're in jeopardy it's easy to feel like you'll never find them again. All relationships are formed with time though. The rosy glow of endorphins from a new relationship is intoxicating, and often feels like what we think of as "love." As you spend more time with someone though, that deep commitment to each other's well being, open communication, and mutual comprises is what builds a solid foundation for a relationship.

Losing someone, whether through death, divorce, distance...(I wasn't trying to alliterate here, but now I don't know how to add "time" to the mix...days? Oh well) always hurts. But it's also an opportunity to rediscover your individual self, and have new experiences with different people. While your experience with this person have caused you pain, they've taught you a lot as well.

So keep your chin up, and know you will have many more opportunities to develop new relationships with other people.