StephEgan

Well we had a wonderful 10 days here - our marriage seemed to be getting back on track and the house felt lighter and happier. I figured I had to give him a chance to do what he said he could do - drink like a normal person and prove he doesn't have this major drinking issue that I had suspected. It seemed like maybe I had been wrong - he was not drinking during the week at all. I did breathalyse him and he did get a 0 reading. He was not in withdrawal so i thought perhaps I had exaggerated all of this in my head into something much worse than it is. Well, last night we were having our platter of nibblies and a couple of glasses of wine and he had beenoutside working with my dad all afternoon and had had 2 beers. I know if he is an alcoholic he has to stop completely, but I had to give him a chance to prove that he wasn't an alcoholic and had just been a bit lost with all that was going on in our lives. Well last night around 8pm he seemed to be getting quite grumpy for no good reason so I breathalysed him - he blew a 0.23! Now I had been playing with that breathalyzer all week and I know how it works now. I know that sometimes if you have the ethanol on your breath, you can get a false high rating so if that happens, you do not take a sip for 15-20 mins so he waited 20 mins and I took it again and it was 0.195. He STILL claimed he had only had 3 beers so he went for a shower and after his shower, he blew 0.188! So this is exactly logical with a BAC of 0.23slowly reducing over an hours period. This morning, I set my alarm for 6:20 because at that level, he could be over for driving to work the next morning. He blew 0.06 this morning! STILL he denies having had anything but a few beers. I said well either you are lying to me again, or you have a very strange health issue which causes you to have a high BAC when you haven't been drinking, because this machine was $160 and is accurate - it isn't some cheap little toy so get yourself to the hospital! He is still denying having had anything more than a few beers then said oh well maybe he had more beers than that but he only had beer. He was with my dad all day and my dad is baffled about this. So I guess he has some vodka somewhere he was drinking yesterday early evening And he's lying about it. So I guess he is an alcoholic and needs treatment, but he won't even admit he had been drinking so there's no way he'll admit that! Iknow thta machine is accurate!

BlownOne

He may indeed be an alcoholic and he may need treatment, but unless he wants it, and I mean really really wants to get sober for himself, nothing is going to change. Sounds like with all the excuses and probable lies he was telling you over the weekend he's not really interested in quitting. Hugs to you.

Floating

I'm sorry. You really do deserve more than 10 days of happy. Keep reminding yourself of that. I know it is so hard to accept something's, I struggle as well. But there is a beautiful life of abundance and more happiness in your future.

You can't control him, and I suspect you don't really want to be with someone who you need to breathalyzer, and on top of that someone who gaslights and denies the evidence right before your eyes.

Really huge positive vibes to you and I am sorry you are going thru this.

StephEgan

thanks ladies. No I don't want to be with someone who I need to breathalyse and who can only be nice for a week at a time. I had to do this to see what was going on. It's such a shame as the real him and I get on so well and are happy and have great sex lol! But this drunk him disgusts me.

StephEgan

I mean I know this machine is accurate to within 0.01! I have used it on myself multiple times and my mum has used as well.https://www.breathalyzer.ca/products...l-breathalyzer

So I guess he is lying to my face ?! I tried to go sleep in the bed with him and when I went in he got up and was trying to find the bathroom walking into walls and the dresser as i've seen him do MANY times before but this time I had the proof that he had a very high BAC and was doing it. I shon my phone for him he still couldn't find it - I had to get up and turn the light on for him. He was doing all of his sleep apnea stuff really badly and I had to go sleep withmy daguther as could not fall asleep with him at all! this morning STILL denying all of it and my dad had to drive him to work as he was over the limit! So I need to get up at 6am each day now to see if he's legal to drive?!

velma929

We've all been there. Late AH pretended to quit for a few days: in reality, he had just switched to vodka. It's a common practice; it has less smell than other liquors. If that isn't enough, the "I can't be an alcoholic, I only drink beer" is kind of the kicker.

StephEgan

Yeah mine drinks vodka but I thought there was a good chance he could stop the secret drinking and drink like a normal person - I have no issue wtih getting a buzz on on the weekend personally so I figured he could just do that like the rest of us. He didn't mean that as in that you can't be an alcoholic if you only drink beer - just that my rule was no secret vodka and he was saying he only drank beer outside with my dad. He had 2 beers and 1 nonalcoholic beer - but I know that breathalyser works - is he the only person who it doesn't work for?!

velma929

So if he drank the vodka openly it would be okay?

StephEgan

Well no not at that level! If he drank enough to get to a 0.2 BAC that's a ridiculous amount!

PeacefulWater12

When I drank, vodka was my drink too. But if I was trying to pretend to myself or someone else that I could control my drinking and only have beer, you could guarantee that my bottle of "beer" was mostly vodka! Brown coloured bottle is great disguise for what is in it.

To an alkie, beer is like water. Way too weak. Just irritating really.

There are so many tricks and deceptions that can be used.

Sorry you went through this but at least you have clarity now and feel more sure what to do so maybe a blessing in disguise.

Take care.

StephEgan

I still feel very confused about what to do. His parents are arriving for a 2 week visit this Saturday. I will be explaining all of this to them and feel I need to warn them because he probably will try to lie to them too.

dbyrer

I really, really, really hope that you have finally proven to yourself that this is not the life you want. And also that you have accepted that you cannot control his addiction. If it makes you feel better, he is not doing it on purpose, but the only way an alcoholic can stop being a liar is by working a program of sobriety. And you cannot work that program for him, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try. I imagine everyone on this site has learned that lesson for him or her self. Too bad we cannot learn from other people's mistakes, but we are human, that is what we humans do. In your last post, I hear you doubting the accuracy of the breathalyzer. Codependency is a type of addiction, too, and your own addictive voice is lying to you.

StephEgan

I don't like the codependency label at all- this is my husband of 11 years and we have lived through hell together. You take a vow to stand by eachother in a marriage and until I feel sure of what's going on, I cannot make a final decision. I know that breathalyser is accurate - it is a professional grade breathalyser accurate to within 0.01 and I know this but it isn't something I wish to believe about my husband

SparkleKitty

Accepting that another person is not the person we thought or wish they were is probably one of the hardest things we can face. If you need more evidence, I'm sure you will eventually get it.

StephEgan

I'll wait a bit longer and see if that was a one off or a pattern as advised by my lawyer. Whenever he seems off, I will breathalyse him basically. I need to speak to his parents too I think .... jus tnot sure how or when.

SparkleKitty

In addition to the breathalyzer, learning about alcoholism and addiction for yourself might be helpful. There is a wealth of information in the stickied posts at the top of this forum's main page.

dandylion

Many of us don't savor the term "co-dependency". I don't use it much, myself---because it seems to have become such a buzz word. Sometimes, it seems to be the only term that will describe certain situations or realities.
There are a gazillion definitions of what co-depency is.
The one that that I have found to be the most helpfus is this-------
"Codependency is less about relationships with others than it is about the lack of relationship with the own self".

StephEgan

I have read all of it already - learned a lot. I know he fits the MO just hoping somehow he was different.

dandylion

steph.....you seem so incredulous that he would :"lie" to you about his drinking. At the risk of repeating myself----I said this to you in your previous thread---that it is very unrealistic of you to expect him not to lie. Remember, that he has not had one molecule of treatment, at this time. If he could stop drinking and lying----he would already have done so and none of us would be here talking about it.
Alcoholics have to lie---because it is a part of the disease. You can't, in all fairness, ask an alcoholic not to lie to you about their drinking.
Never ask an alcoholic if they have been drinking---or ask them to tell you every time they drink---It is the same thing as asking them---"Please lie to me".....lol...

Lying is not about you or how he values you or if he loves you, etc....it is about his need to protect his ability to drink. His drinking is precious to him. You as a non-alcoholid can never---never---understand how that feels to him. It is not a Thing that is seperate from himself---it is a Part of him. The only pain reliever that he has to relieve his inner turmoil. Might as well ask him to stop breathing or stop digesting or stop smelling or stop hearing......
Policing him like a prison warden only serves to make you more of the "enemy". Anyone who strives to seperate the alcoholic from their only comfort--the alcohol---is seen as the ememy---even if it is a loved one.

I have seen alcoholics holding the drink to their lips at the same time that they swear that they are not drinking.....

Ask a dog not to bark, ever again---ask a bird not to sing---ask a fish not to swim............

StephEgan

I really did not know for sure that he was an alcoholic though - hence allowing this time to prove he isn't one basically. I'm just shocked that someone could think that they could look at a breathalyser and deny the number is accurate - it's very odd. Like bat$h!t crazy level odd to stare at the number and claim it is wrong - 3 times. I need to do this to understnad what on earth is going on in my house - it isn't like I plan to live like this forever - just long enough to decide what I'm going to do - like a few more weeks basically. His parents arrive on Saturday and I need to speak to his mother about all of this. During the next few weeks, either he won't drink again or he will seem very odd and I will breathalyse him and see yet again that he is secretly drinking and his parents can see it then too and help me deal with this.