Nd819

Steph, it is amazing how much our qualifiers can consume and still seem completely normal to others. My AH came home one night insisting he had only had one beer, it was the one and only time I breathalyzed him, he blew .16. No one else would have thought he was at all altered. If I were .16 I am sure I would be stumbling and slurring. He's clearly hiding and lying.

StephEgan

Yes if they can have a BAC that high and seem ok then clearly they are frequently drinking large quantities! I felt pretty tipsy on Saturday night and blew a 0.09. I wasn't slurring my words or anything but i went home and went to bed! So you are still with yours? Many do seem to not leave ... not sure I can live like this if this is going to be our life now!!! I think if this goes on thta I will be legallyseparating from him - such a shame as sober he is a lovely husband

trailmix

Yes. Gaslighting.

I totally understand your disbelief. He is actually pretty special in that he has managed to lie so much for so long about being an alcoholic. That's a bit unusual. It usually happens when the people involved aren't together all the time, like long distance or a husband/wife that works away a lot. When for some reason that fine balance is disturbed, it all comes out. Then again you have been fully distracted/involved with caring for your Daughter for quite some time.

Finding the vodka in the golf bag was just a fluke.

My Father used to hit my Mother occasionally. We knew this (children have ears) and we actually saw it one time (me and my siblings) I remember screaming at him to stop. Later, one time I remember him saying "I have never laid a hand on your Mother". So yes, those types of lies happen, yes, someone that addiction has a hold on will lie to your face.

Addiction has a huge component of denial, how else can someone destroy their family so openly? Yes, he can look at the breathalyser and say, no - no drinks here! He either actually believes it (possible - and yes not normal) or that's the addiction talking. That breathalyser (and soon you) is standing between him and his addiction - that is an absolute threat that just can't happen.

Don't be surprised if he starts to turn on you as well. This is common when the addiction is threatened (and perhaps explains the surliness when he is drunk and can't control it).

trailmix

Or he could be at the stage where he doesn't even know he's lying anymore.

sage1969

Everything about alcoholism is bats*** crazy. What makes utter sense to an alcoholic is lunacy for the rest of us. That he can say the breathalyser is off when you know it works accurately is a pretty good picture of the gaslighting you will continue to experience.

Things will not change. Not unless he decides to change.

Notice the timing? You got a nice 10 days when he thought he was going to lose everything. Now that you're standing by him, he's got what he wants, and will continue drinking.

How much more of this can you take?

StephEgan

So like what would he do if he turned on me?! At the moment, I am a perfect wife a perfect mother he loves me deeply and wants to fix this....so soon it will be I am a b with an itch who has ruined his life I guess?! Will he try to take my child?!

I'm just struggling to see that he is a different person to who he was.

I've drafted an email to his mother debating when to send it - clearl ythere's no point in letting him speak to them about it because he lies!!! I feel they need a warning bfore they arrive as to what is going on. Where on earth is this vodka now anyway?! I cannot understand where it could even be grrrr!!!!

StephEgan

I can't take much more that's for sure! Last night was a big shock for me! So what I need to breathalyze him each day before work now so he doesn't kill someone with his denial?! This is ridiculous! I do not know how to best proceed at this point at all other than to alert his parents to all of this before they arrive and hope they are helpful when they are here. Maybe his dad can drive him to work each morning!

sage1969

Yes, honesty with his parents about the situation, and with everyone really.

Everyone needs to know where you stand on this. And so as hard as it is, you need to do some thoughtful planning about how you are going to move forward for yourself and your daughter.

Having your parents or his parents drive him to work is enabling him to continue to drink all night now that he knows he can still make it to work in the morning. This is hugely problematic.

trailmix

Yes, I would send the email as soon as possible because they may still want to cancel their trip, so it would be kind of you to give them as much notice as you can I think. They may not want to walk in to that situation.

Right now, in my opinion, he is still treading here hoping to salvage the situation. That's normal. Turning on you could be a little while, he may still be at the - if I don't drink for 4 days and blow clean on those days if she asks, this might all simmer down. Plus his parents are about to arrive, that's a great distraction.

Is he? I don't know, if he says he loves you and is generally good natured or quiet, but a closet alcoholic that lies - has anything changed? From what you have said, he hasn't really changed, the only thing that has changed is you caught him in his lies.

suki44883

His parents are as helpless as you regarding his drinking. They can't make him quit any more than you can. His dad driving him to work each morning is not a solution. Why should dad have that burden? Why should you have the burden to breathalyze him every day? None of these things are helpful.

You say you don't know what to do. I think you do know, you are just fighting it. You wanted to give him another chance to prove he could drink like a normal person. Well, you gave him that chance and he proved he cannot. This will be your life if you continue to stay with him.

I know all that sounds harsh, and I don't intend it in a mean way. I just think you are losing sight of the real issue, which is whether or not you wish to live your life this way.

StephEgan

It's only a short term solution - we need short term solutions while we figure this out so he doesn't crash our car meantime!

StephEgan

i don't think they would cancel their trip! They want to see their grand daughter and she would be devastated if her gran did not come!

StephEgan

My head hurts No of course I don't want to live like this! I think I will need to tell him very soon that the legal separation is back on because I can't risk my money being taken by an accident that he causes. They can try to reason with him and get him back to the UK for some help is what i was thinking. i do not want to revoke my sponsorship and send him packing. This is awful.

StephEgan

I don't think he drnks every night - I stil don't think that. Again, it was a sunday just like the golfing day! I think it's a major weekend issue but likely spills over randomly into the weekdays too at times but it isn't every day. He's in bed asleep just after 9 every night - he works 10 hrs aday a physical job plus commuting.He's tired.

trailmix

Out of curiosity, when he blew so high on the breathalyzer and said - no, just a couple of beers (or whatever he said), what did you say to him? Did you just drop or ask why he is lying to your face?

StephEgan

I am not easy on him - I said to him this is a professional grade breathalyser and it has worked for my mother and I for the past 4 days while we played with it. I said this is the same as a cop on the side of the road and you telling the cop they are wrong or the same as me holding a vodka receipt and you sayin gyou did not buy vodka. Then later when he was going to bed I said I was upset because I thought we were getting our marriage back on track and he said "yes I'm pretty upset too" as in that the breathalyzer error was ruining our marriage. This morning I said "well we are going to have to have a pretty serious discussion tonight when you get home".

StephEgan

I think i also said "where is the bottle - whree is it?!" and something along the lines of "you can only blow a number this high by chugging straight vodka" as well as something like "most people would be passed out at this level so you must do this a lot".... lots of stuff like that basically. He kept denying it.

velma929

No one from your household needs to drive him to work. He can take a bus, Uber, Lyft, carpool with workmates, there are plenty of ways to get to work. Getting to work is his responsibility, he's not a 14-year-old bussing tables.

StephEgan

We live in a village of 1300 people - the closest taxi company is 45 mins away- We live on 3 acres of bush - there's no way to work without a lift from us. Trust me this is shaming him more than anything - he hates it.

trailmix

This type of lying well may be unmanageable/unfixable by him. He may well believe what he is saying. That will take professional therapy to unwind (again, something for him to take care of, himself).

I know that's just another thing to try to wrap your head around. It's often said that it seems like someone came and took my wife/husband (Son, Daughter). The odd thing with addiction (when hidden or progressing) is it's like invasion of the body snatchers. The person you thought you knew is standing right in front of you, wearing the same clothes they always wear, eating a sandwich or going off to work, but the person you thought they were is not the person they are.

That's tough stuff to imagine let alone see in front of you. But it is, acceptance of that is really important (for your own sanity).