ItsKatie

Where to start?

He's 29. I'm 24. We've been dating for a little over a year. I never drank. I'll just have a glass of wine if the New Year is celebrated. I met my partner at work. Until some time later I noticed that he is drinking. Hard liquor. And not a little. I talked to him about it. He told me that his dad drank too. But that he - unlike his father - is not addicted to drinking. But then this was joined by playing games on the phone + smoking. Mentally, it was difficult for me. He didn't want to do anything about it, so we broke up.

I loved him. But myself more. Three months later he text me that he started going to therapy and did not drink for two months. I supported him. He tried. And we got back together. No alcohol for another five months! He went to therapy. Then he stopped. He started drinking vodka again. Even in a week. He's been irritable for the last few days, he's acting distant.

Will it always be like this? Is it possible to help him in any other way? It's exhausting for me and I don't know if I can handle it. Thank you so much.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, sorry for what brings you here. I think you already know what you need to do. Sounds like your gut instinct is telling to you to walk away and save yourself this exhausting cycle he is in.

There is a saying around here - Let go or get dragged!

Please do what is best for you and for building the life you want. Take care.

Floating

I am sorry for what brings you here.

My opinion; you are still so young with everything ahead of you. To lay your cards on this man is the most dangerous wager you will ever make. If you are ok with losing and accept him exactly as he is now maybe it won't hurt so much in the future. But alcoholism tends to progress. It won't be pretty if you lose the wager of him staying sober.

Think about yourself first. What you deserve and the kind of life you want.

StephEgan

You are 24 - there are plenty of men out there who aren't addicts. It's different when you find out years into a marriage with kids, houses etc - you have nothing tying you to this man - leave while you can!

sage1969

No, it won't always be like this. It gets progressively worse.

No, there's absolutely no way to help him. This is something you cannot fix. You did not Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.

If it's exhausting now, think how exhausted you will be after 20 years of it, assuming of course that it is a progressive disease and it gets worse and there are all those pesky complications like DUIs, job insecurities, compounding health issues, domestic violence, and that you will not be cherished or treated well or fairly.

There are so many nice people in this world! Go meet some of them! Dating is not where you settle with the first person you meet. You get to choose the person who is just right for you, and it's a process, you can let go of even the nicest people if they aren't just right for you.

dbyrer

I am glad you found this site. There is a lot of wisdom here. I just want to add my experience, perhaps there will be something in it that you can use. I thought it was selfish of me to consider abandoning my alcoholic boyfriend when he had had a hard upbringing and had so much potential and was such a sweet guy when he was sober and he just needed someone to love him. I thought it was wrong not to love him and try to help him and be what he needed in his life. His alcoholism destroyed my life. I have never recovered. I did not understand that this was a problem that I could do NOTHING about. It is okay for you to care for this man from afar, to wish him well, to be supportive of him IN RECOVERY (if he chooses for himself that path), but it is important for your life that you leave him to it. He can choose to quit drinking no matter what circumstances have brought him to the place he is now, but nothing you do will make that happen. I wish you well, and I wish him well, too.

Nd819

Welcome! I agree with what others have said, you are so young and in my opinion should not be settling or signing up for this life. He may get better, he may not, he may move from one addiction to another, it is a huge gamble. Please spend some time here reading other's stories. With my AH I saw red flags but didn't think much of it, we were young, everyone seemed to drink, the slow and steady progression has been devastating to our family.