Tired1

I had posted on a Facebook page the craziness i had felt when I got very emotional and begin to say cruel things to XAH over the years of living with an AS. I was told that this could be reactive abuse. When I looked reactive abuse up, I learned that it can stem from emotional abuse. As I was reading more about emotional abuse, my heart sank. Things done by an emotional abuser, are things I have done to XAH when his drinking has pushed me to the edge. Now I question, am I an emotional abuser or is it normal to use hateful cruel words to the alcoholic? Thanks!!

Cookie314

Hmm I don't think anyone can say for sure since we don't know you or your partner, or more about the situation. I think most relationships with addicts create a lot of pain, anger, sadness, and betrayal in their loved ones. While I wouldn't say lashing out is the right response, it wouldn't surprise me if it were relatively common. Based solely on what you've written in this post, it's possible some things you've said or done have crossed that line to reactive abuse.

That said, the knowledge of the cycles of, and types of abuse will empower you going forward. Going to support groups, meeting with a therapist, and researching abuse tactics are all good ways to give you tools in your kit to deal with difficult situations. Learning about personal boundaries, and how to stand by them will help give you the emotional (sometimes physical) distance to retain your sanity and a clear head. Forming a support system of trusted friends, family, and professionals will help prevent isolation and give you outside perspective. Caring for your physical, mental, and emotional health will reduce your stress and make you more capable of meeting challenges. Taking the time to learn the patterns leading up to arguments or other incidents will help you spot them brewing in the future, and make it easier to disengage.

Everyone says and does things they regret. The best you can do for now is use those things as learning experiences to help you navigate those situations better next time.

sage1969

I think it is really positive to think about what you've said and in what context to avoid being an abuser, either emotionally or reactive, especially once we've been victims of abuse ourselves, so to stop the cycle of abuse and to avoid perpetuating it intergenerationally.

It's also worth mentioning that sometimes it can feel really uncomfortable to say out loud what are our boundaries and how we feel when they are violated. Sometimes it can be hard to express this out loud if it's new to stand up for ourselves. I know at first it felt to me to be uncaring or selfish to voice out loud what I needed. There is also a gentle and firm way to do this, without being abusive, and I needed to practice.

There is a difference between the two.

velma929

I was told that this could be reactive abuse.

Cue the Dana Carvey/ Church Lady voice in my head sneering, "Isn't that special..."

Well, it's not a nice thing to do. But...abuse? *I* wouldn't label something abuse unless it was pervasive and ongoing.

One day I was working and my boss jumped ugly with me over something I've since forgotten. His reaction to my screw up was out of proportion to what I'd done. A few minutes later, I heard him on the phone to an attorney. One of his teenagers had been ticketed for OUI. He never apologized.

A couple decades later (Yep, working for him a second time) he snapped at a couple colleagues and me for laughing and chatting too loud when he was on the phone. That time he *did* apologize - he'd just gotten new hearing aids and we'd made the phone call harder than it had to be.

People grow.

I'd suggest forgiving yourself and vowing to do better in the future.

EveningRose

I found this article which I thought was quite good in clarifying that the ABUSER'S abuse comes from a mindset of control and power and keeping the other person down, whereas 'reactive abuse' comes from an attempt to STOP the abuse, and comes from trauma. It is not an attempt to put the other person down or control them, but only to stop the harm being done to oneself. Reactive Abuse - Is a Victim’s Reaction Abuse? - The Mend Project

I personally think 'reactive abuse' is a terrible term because it does imply that if you REACT to someone abusing you, you are now an abuser, too and I think that's very unfair. It's like saying the mugger and the little old lady got in a fight and she can't get along with him.

I think it's good to look at our own reactions and see how we can do better. But to call someone finally reacting to abuse an abuser, to me just adds insult to injury.

I'm struggling with this myself as I absolutely have gone into some rages when my now XH was gaslighting, cheating on me, lying to me, treating me with utter contempt, not coming home from work for hours on end, etc. -- now all (one of) my kids see from that time is happy-go-lucky friendly old dad and evil mom. For me to say, "I'm sorry I didn't handle it better AND there was a lot going on you didn't know about because I tried to shield you from it," is taken as making excuses.

I don't know the answer.

trailmix

I think the answer is to tell them the truth. How can the know what they don't know? If you only (any of us) see and hear one side of the story and the other person refuses to participate, you might think them "guilty" as well.

Now, keep in mind, this still might not work at all. When someone (sometimes) sets their mind to some idea or perception, there can be no shifting it. With the best will in the world you might tell your story and be met with - she's just defending herself.

However, the truth will set you free in this instance, his abuse is not your secret to keep.