Is he just trying to keep me as a back up?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 57
Is he just trying to keep me as a back up?
It's been almost 6 months since I took my dog and what little I could and walked away from OUR home for the last time. He relapsed hard on gambling, alcohol, and meth. He was sober for several years. Throughout our entire relationship he said 80 years with me could never be enough but he will have to make do. He said I was the love of his life. After his relapse, he told me we were toxic for each other, he needed to focus on himself, and that he had fallen completely out of love with me. He says we will never get back together. We'll, he called me the other night. It was one day after my birthday. He was asking some random question about a vet we used to use. He was asking for a friend. He told me he loved me. He told me he wasn't going to keep using. He also said years from now I will be glad that we broke up and thankful that we didn't stay together. Is this his ass backwards way of keeping a door open for me? Is he just setting himself up to eventually try to come back? He always seems so deeply loving and sincere when he says he loves me. He even says it when leaving me a voice-mail. Is this the behavior of a man not in love? It seems to me that he is still very much wrapped up in his feelings for me when he let's himself go there. On the other hand he is not asking me about getting back together. Do you think he is going to ask me if he can come back at some point? I am so confused. If he is so done with me and us what's with all the I love you's? Please help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Green, it might not be that he doesn't love you, but he loves his drugs more. That's the truth of addiction. He knows he can't have a "normal" relationship and I'm sure you don't want a relationship with an addict?
So what's left to do?
He could be setting it up to come back IF he ever does get sober, but who knows, he is still using.
Do you find his contact hurtful to you?
So what's left to do?
He could be setting it up to come back IF he ever does get sober, but who knows, he is still using.
Do you find his contact hurtful to you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 57
Trailmix, thank you for talking to me. I am stronger today than I ever thought was possible thanks to posts from you and others. I see your wisdom all over soberrecovery. Thank you for all you do. I feel so torn on cutting him off knowing that he could overdose tomorrow. I feel bound to taking his calls because I can hear the torment in his voice. Then I ask myself, am I being played like a fiddle? He wanted it to be over so why all the love dovie calls and reminiscing? But oh no he doesn't want me. It seems as though he doesn't want to let me go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 57
It hurts me to talk to him but it seems to hurt more not to. I feel like my judgment isn't right. I tell myself all the horrible things that happened came from drug use. I reason away all the thing pain and wrong doing to him being under the influence. I make excuses for him. I allow myself to talk to him because I still see him as the man I fell in love with. Wouldn't most people say if I respected myself I wouldn't interact with him? I feel like I am walking away from an abandoned puppy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Greensoul,
My opinion, and that's all it is - he is attempting to keep that door ajar. Keep his options open. He knows your feelings for him, and he's playing on that. He's keeping you as an option, when you should be a priority.
Realistically, would you really want to put yourself at the mercy of someone in active addiction? Life would be utterly miserable.
I would also suggest having a think on whether contact with him is a good thing. I tended to find that without contact with my addict, my thoughts became clear.
Much Love
Bute x
My opinion, and that's all it is - he is attempting to keep that door ajar. Keep his options open. He knows your feelings for him, and he's playing on that. He's keeping you as an option, when you should be a priority.
Realistically, would you really want to put yourself at the mercy of someone in active addiction? Life would be utterly miserable.
I would also suggest having a think on whether contact with him is a good thing. I tended to find that without contact with my addict, my thoughts became clear.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Maybe he doesn't, maybe he wants someone to talk to, maybe he wants you to say - hey! I don't care that you are a alcoholic/meth head/gambler, come back to me! He may not want to let you go, but he did, because he made the choice to use (and I wouldn't be betting any money that he is ready to quit). What do you want?
Is he concerned with you? No he calls, tells his tales of woe. Tells you how you feel and how you are going to feel and then off he goes to have a drink, while you are left feeling badly for him. Addiction is selfish (as you know).
So if you are looking out for him and he is looking out for him, where does that leave you?
Is he concerned with you? No he calls, tells his tales of woe. Tells you how you feel and how you are going to feel and then off he goes to have a drink, while you are left feeling badly for him. Addiction is selfish (as you know).
So if you are looking out for him and he is looking out for him, where does that leave you?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Greensoul3982 
It hurts me to talk to him but it seems to hurt more not to. I feel like my judgment isn't right. I tell myself all the horrible things that happened came from drug use. I reason away all the thing pain and wrong doing to him being under the influence. I make excuses for him. I allow myself to talk to him because I still see him as the man I fell in love with. Wouldn't most people say if I respected myself I wouldn't interact with him? I feel like I am walking away from an abandoned puppy.
I don't think it has anything to do with self respect, I do think it has to do with boundaries. What are yours? When I'm thinking of boundaries I'm thinking more of low self esteem, rather than self respect.
Respect for him means accepting he will make his own decisions (to continue using, or not) and your influence there is obviously small to nil or he wouldn't be using right now, or last week or 4 months ago, you get the idea.
He's not treating you well and he didn't, your self esteem is probably a bit battered. Once you build that up again you will probably find that maybe he isn't such a draw for you. If you do quit talking to him (and that is no doubt a great idea) he will continue to be an addict and you will be able to get on with your life, in a much happier way, don't you think?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 142
Just my 2 cents, but I found it helped me to separate the person from the addiction in my mind. (just in my mind, as that is not reality, of course) The person is lovely, loves me, etc. The addiction is vile, cares nothing for me. If the person is actively using, the addiction is in control. If the person is sober and working a strong program to stay that way, the person is in control. I cannot control either of them. If the addiction is in control, the person only exists in my memory. I can enjoy the memories, and I can hope the person comes back. But it is better for me and my life not to interact with the addiction. Maybe this will help you. If not, just pass it by!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I found an article at the very beginning that helped me so much with all this, but I can’t find it now to share with you!
But basically, the gist of it is that the addict in your life may not be lying, but what they’re saying isn’t real or “the truth.” As in, they’re living in a reality that is so different from where we’re living, and in order to keep using/drinking/etc they have to convince themselves and everyone around them of this reality. We can’t always read into the “intentions” or “motivations” the same intentions we would read into a person who isn’t battling addiction.
In his way, he may love you, but how he’s capable of feeling and giving love is not how you know love. He may say it because it feels good to say in the moment, but in the next moment drugs feel better. Heck, he may even say it to torture himself to isolate himself even further so he “has” to turn to drugs—the addiction monster loves to make negative spirals that keep our loved ones down and using.
Trying to make sense of his reality is just going to make you crazy, in my opinion. Because his reality probably doesn’t make sense right now to anyone but him and his addiction. And the more “trying to see where he’s coming from” makes you doubt yourself, the more anxious and unstable life will feel and it’s not worth it, I think
But basically, the gist of it is that the addict in your life may not be lying, but what they’re saying isn’t real or “the truth.” As in, they’re living in a reality that is so different from where we’re living, and in order to keep using/drinking/etc they have to convince themselves and everyone around them of this reality. We can’t always read into the “intentions” or “motivations” the same intentions we would read into a person who isn’t battling addiction.
In his way, he may love you, but how he’s capable of feeling and giving love is not how you know love. He may say it because it feels good to say in the moment, but in the next moment drugs feel better. Heck, he may even say it to torture himself to isolate himself even further so he “has” to turn to drugs—the addiction monster loves to make negative spirals that keep our loved ones down and using.
Trying to make sense of his reality is just going to make you crazy, in my opinion. Because his reality probably doesn’t make sense right now to anyone but him and his addiction. And the more “trying to see where he’s coming from” makes you doubt yourself, the more anxious and unstable life will feel and it’s not worth it, I think
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
