sonnet

Hi everyone! I feel so lucky to have found this forum. Thank you in advance for any comments or advice!

I’m posting because I'm very worried about my alcoholic husband. He and I are both 48 years old and have been married for 25 years. He has depression and has been on medication for a year, and has always been a drinker. Just over a month ago, his drinking and depression got a lot worse all of a sudden, like he had just snapped. He seems to have changed into a completely different person and I’m both scared and freaked out.

He used to be very kind, sweet and caring, but now he's very angry all the time, crying, and binge drinking daily. He seems to hate me so much, he glares at me and sneers. His behaviour has been so frightening and weird. For example, he stays outside in the back yard almost all night, in front of a campfire he made, drinking and talking into the fire. I’ve had to sit out there with him because I’m so scared he’ll fall into the fire and hurt himself. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat because of the worry and trying to take care of him. There was even a terrifying incident, where I’d ordered a pizza for my children for dinner. When the delivery driver came, I saw my husband, still in the back yard, staring over the gate at the driver, hiding in the shadows, and holding a huge hunting knife. My husband said he thought the delivery man was an intruder. Luckily nothing happened but I was shocked and so scared. I constantly feel sick with worry.

He’s also told me that he doesn’t love me anymore and feels absolutely nothing for me. He told me he wants to separate, and he moved out within days. This was all while we are in lockdown.

He moved back after about a week because he didn’t like where he was. So now, he lives in a caravan outside of our house, while he looks for a new place for himself. He’s taken off his wedding ring.

He seems to have no empathy at all for all the chaos he’s causing, and when I try to talk to him about it, he just laughs at me or mimics me, or just sits and smirks at me. It all feels so strange, like I’m stuck in one long bad dream where nothing makes sense!

After telling me he was having suicidal thoughts, and after I begged and pleaded, I did manage to finally convince him to see a doctor. I could only get a phone appointment because of lockdown, but I was glad I could sit in on the appointment too and tell the doctor everything. She doubled his depression medication and has sent him off for blood tests, mainly for his thyroid and liver. She also suggested therapy but he refuses to go. I’m hoping the blood tests will provide some answers.

As for my situation, for most of my married life, I’ve been a stay at home mum. Although my kids are young adults, I’m also a carer to my son who has severe autism. So this has all scared me too for what the future will be like, and what I need to do next. Lockdown has been extended where I am for another month.

I would be so grateful for any comments or advice! I’d love to have my husband back the way he was! I love him so much, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and that the person he was no longer exists. Does anyone know if his behaviour is because of depression, or alcohol, or both?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading, for your time, and for any advice.

trailmix

Hi sonnet, so sorry for what brings you here.

I know you would love to have your husband back the way he was, but that's probably not going to happen anytime soon, unfortunately. Alcoholism is progressive and it sounds like where your husband is at.

The fact that he pulled a knife to stave off the threat of a pizza delivery person is really disturbing and it also means that he is not in his right mind. What that means for the rest of you is that you are not really safe around him either. You are lucky that he has at least left the house and I would ensure that the locks are changed so he can't enter. That may sound dramatic but if you look at it, it's not really. He might mistake one of you for an intruder (or whatever else he comes up with in his head).

Depression or alcoholism? Impossible to know. Impossible for anyone to know really. But certainly the alcohol has a huge hold on him and a huge affect on his behaviour.

What about you? It might be a good idea right now to start focusing back on you and your children, to make a better life for yourself. You mention you have been a stay at home Mom, so is your Husband the breadwinner? If so, it may be time to look for a job so you can have that financial stability.

It's a tragedy no doubt but from what you described, you can't help him (and in fact he doesn't seem to want help).

dbyrer

If he is threatening others possibly he could be medically evaluated (not dependent upon his permission) for psychosis. Sounds like he is definitely a danger to himself. He may be having a psychotic episode and could be amenable to treatment. If this behavior is truly sudden and unexpected and truly out of character, it may be worth at least considering it. Otherwise, he is a mentally competent adult who is doing as he wishes. All you can do is mourn the loss of your relationship and protect yourself and your child.

advbike

Sounds like the alcoholism has progressed. Normal after 10-15 years of heavy drinking, and once they start drinking in the morning to relieve the hangover/withdrawal it is a short run to 24x7. He may have hid that from you. Then come delusions and personality changes, as you are now experiencing. He needs to quit drinking. No meds will get him back while he's still drinking heavily. It just makes depression worse, not to mention he is in such a bad mental state now..

I agree with what dbyrer said above... he really needs to be evaluated.. not just have his med dosage increased. In my opinion, at minimum he needs a medically supervised detox, then a 90 day rehab. And possible psychiatric support. Is he still employed or have medical coverage?

sonnet

Thank you so much for your help, advbike! That sounds like exactly what's happening. He is employed and was able to go back to work during lockdown, which is a relief because he can't drink there. He is refusing any help from the doctors and just tells me that there's nothing wrong. I'll keep trying to get him help. Thank you again, I appreciate your reply!

sonnet

Thanks very much for your reply, dbyrer! I do agree totally with you. Over the past month or so, apart from his scary behaviour, he's also been saying sentences that make no sense at all, and telling people stories which I know haven't happened to him - they're other people's stories. He cries a lot too but seems to genuinely not believe that he's crying at all. I'll keep trying to get him to a doctor, but he keeps saying he's fine and that he's not going. Thanks again so much for your help!

sonnet

Hi Trailmix, big thank you for your reply and for all your wonderful help. I appreciate your words and you've made it all a lot clearer for me. I agree with you absolutely and I'll follow your suggestions. He's unfortunately refusing all help but I have some crisis numbers saved to my phone in case things get weird again. Thanks again, very much.

Cookie314

I also think it sounds like he's experiencing a psychotic episode of some sort. The sudden onset, paranoia, suicidal ideation, and emotional swings seem to imply more is going on than just the progression of drinking.

I know this really sucks to hear, but you can't save him from himself. It's good to help with medical emergencies and things he is unable to do, but it isn't good to try to force things he's unwilling to do. The fact that he's refusing help means you are very limited in what you can do for him.

Another thing to consider is if your thoughts or actions around his drinking changed around this same time too. I want to emphasize I don't mean this as you caused his change, more to point out his perception of you may have changed. Paranoia is common among addicts, even when you don't bring other mental health issues into play. Often those closest to them (their spouse, kids, parents, siblings, etc) become "the enemy." The more we push for them to get help, they more they push back against us.

I remember when I called the cops to our house while my AH was passed out and barely responsive. He was making choking and gasping noises for air, and could barely get a mumble out to me. When the paramedics arrived, like magic he was up and responsive again! When the cop stepped out of the room so he could get dressed, he glared at me with such anger and hatred that I'll never forget it. He was so lost in directing his fury towards me that he never stopped to consider why I would have called for help in the first place.

I think your AH sounds like he's in a similar place. He can't see anything else but his own misery, and any outside attempt to help is only taken as a threat. The best thing you can do for him at this point is to take care of yourself and your kids. You aren't abandoning him, or giving up on him when you create your boundaries and enforce them. For example, staying up all night with him holding vigil. What does that accomplish? Are either of you healthier for it? I used to stay up all hours of the night watching my AH sleep, because I was terrified of him choking to death on his vomit. Doing so never helped though. Nothing I did made him stop. Your time is better spent getting a good night's rest, so you can meet the next day with energy and a clear head.

I know this situation is so difficult. The feeling like you've lost your partner, despite them being right there, is crushing. Again, my best advice is to really emphasize your own self care. He is going to need to reach for help when he's actually willing to accept it. You can't control him or his desires. The best you can do is control parts of your own environment. Keep yourself and your kids safe and healthy. (I agree with trailmix that changing your locks for now is a good plan.) I'm sorry for what you're experiencing, but I'm glad to see you're here. There's a lot of really good people on here who can share their support and experience. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

sonnet

Hi Cookie314, wow thank you so much for your reply! All of what you’ve written really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing what you’ve gone though, that was so kind of you. You’ve been through really horrendous situations there, I’m sorry you had to go through any of that. It’s all traumatising stuff and at the same time, not at all appreciated by the person you’re trying to help.

I was stunned and amazed by your question about whether my thoughts or actions had changed around the time he snapped. Yes, wow! I didn’t even connect that! Just before he snapped and started to hate me, he had gone out to see a band with his friends, which started in the late afternoon. He didn’t come home until 6.45 in the morning. He was very drunk and had driven home himself. He could barely walk when he got inside the house. So I was very upset at him for worrying me all night, and angry that he’d driven in that condition. Also, leading up to that, I was starting to question him more and more about how much he’d drunk. He has type 2 diabetes which is way out of control now, also gout, high blood pressure and back pain that gets worse when he drinks. The doctor told him that it was very important to get his diabetes under control, to have no more than 2 beers a day, and to go on a low carb diet. He drinks 12+ beers every day after work, and countless more during his days off. So I think I’ve become so constantly worried, anxious, and super focused on his health for years now, cooking the right meals and trying to do everything right to get him back on track.

You’re right too about paranoia, he said that his doctor and I were secretly having phone meetings to discuss him behind his back, and angrily questioning me about things that didn't make any sense to me. He’s also seemed to turn any nice memories we’ve had together, into something horrible, just blaming me and hating me for everything like I’ve destroyed his life.

I understand too about the hatred and anger you described on your AH’s face. My AH is like that too, and it’s horrible to be around. And because he has this hatred and anger for me, it feels impossible to convince him to see a doctor or get any kind of help. He doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t care about what I think or say.

Thank you for all you said about staying up all night and holding vigil. Everything you said is just so true and has helped me look at it all in a different light. It’s like a fog has lifted for me. I suddenly remembered all the times I’ve done that and how it never helped anything, nor was it ever appreciated. My AH would pass out in the shower, refusing to move, throwing up in there, and staying in there for hours and hours all through the night, while the running water had turned freezing cold. I’d turn the water off repeatedly, begging him to please get out and go to bed. He’d ignore me and turn the water back on again! Or he’d pass out in front of the heater, giving himself burns because he was so close to it. I’d constantly get up during the night to turn it off, only for him to turn it back on again. I wouldn’t get any sleep because of the worry. I never really thought about that until I read it in your answer.

Also the nights I spent while he had the weird campfire constantly going, and I was there trying to keep him from falling in it, I have asthma and the smoke made me very sick to the point that I threw up. Even as I was sick, he just smirked. He really was so caring before this change in him. I’ve known him since high school and he was always a kind person throughout the years.

I will definitely change my way of thinking and the constant vigilance, and move forward with the focus on my children and myself. I actually feel quite hopeful about it all now.

Thank you again to you and to everyone who’s responded to help me. I wish I could send you all a bunch of thank you flowers!

sage1969

Sonnet,

I haven't been certain what to comment about your post . . . to me your situation raises all sorts of red red flags.

My deceased AH had a mental health diagnosis that was untreated the 12 years we were married (I was told about it after he passed by his ex - wife). Part of that mental health illness was a plethora of addictions, alcohol, RX meds, street drugs, gambling, sex -- it was a nightmare, and before I'd learnt much about mental health, addiction, and codependency.

I agree with others in the forum that you should focus on yourself and your children, and safety (definitely change locks, and document everything should you need a restraining order or other legal paperwork).

Things for my family would have been so different if my deceased AH had gotten the mental healthcare he needed. It sounds your husband is in need of that. It also sounds he needs to take that step for himself.

I'm sorry for your situation. Stay safe. Know this has nothing to do with you. It's all on him.

Cookie314

Yes, I brought up the change in your responses because a lot of your story reminded me of mine. It's tough, but important to remember that you didn't cause these changes. Addiction is insidious and progressive. It festers in the background, until the damage done begins to pile up and accelerate. It's why you'll hear people on here say a functional alcoholic isn't a type of alcoholism, but a stage of it. With enough time, the disfunction manifests in more extreme ways. It's easy at first to discount a hangover in the morning. It's less easy to discount entire days being lost.

I used to describe my AH's rapid spiral in the context of "oh as his condition got worse I was also standing more firm to my boundaries, and those increased consequences accelerated his decline." I don't think it's entirely untrue, but it took me a while to really accept when my friends and family told me that was still a roundabout way of blaming myself. I've spent a lot of time irl and on this forum contemplating the nature of blame and fault, boundaries and consequences, etc. Ofc our loved ones don't exist in a vacuum, our words and actions do influence them, just like theirs do to us. What really takes time though is being able to look at that situation as a whole and release that sense of blame and guilt we all carry through this. When you play out your fears from the event that frightens you, then look at the situation as a whole, it makes it more clear.

I'll use your example of his sleeping by the radiator. You turn the radiator off because you're afraid of him getting burned. You stay up repeatedly turning it off so he doesn't get hurt. Wanting to protect your partner from harm is normal and healthy. But next time, before you turn it off again, think the whole situation through. The event is turning off the radiator. The consequence is he gets burned, possibly needing treatment, leading to medical bills as well. This is where things get sticky. You think: I know there is a situation, and I don't want him hurt. I can resolve this situation by turning off the radiator, and preventing the consequences of injury. (This is where I would get hung up) If I don't turn off the radiator now that I know of the risk, then it is my fault if he gets burned.

That last step is why looking at the parts leading up to a situation is so important. You did not pour the alcohol down his throat. You did not make him pass out in that spot. If he gets burns, you did not cause them. His choices and actions come with consequences. You are doing him no favors by absorbing that pain into yourself by staying up all night to turn things off, sit by a fire, etc. Wrap that truth around you like a blanket, because addicts love to play the blame game.

edoering

Mental health issues and addiction are very chicken-and-egg, essentially inseparable in dealing with what a person is going through. Addiction is honestly a lifelong mental disorder that can be treated but not cured. So I almost think it doesn’t matter what came first, but he clearly needs to address his own illness!

COVID quarantine “activated” or reactivated a lot of underlying struggles for people—for instance formerly treated PTSD being retriggered into the active phase, depressive episodes, manic episodes, psychotic breaks, etc. I know a lot of people (beyond just myself!) who experienced sudden and drastic shifts in their partners this past year specifically. I’ve also had at least two people I know personally experience liver failure (one from alcohol, one from cancer) and psychosis and paranoia were symptoms that expressed in both people. From what I understand, type II diabetes puts you at higher risk of liver damage from alcohol as well. Cirrhosis of the liver doesn’t just happen to extreme alcoholics, it can just be a bad combination of genetics and factors, and happen very suddenly (or people can be hiding how much they drink very well for years).

But like everyone else has said, put on your oxygen mask first! If he doesn’t want to get better, it does you and your family no good to drown with him. If he does want to get better and does the work, the only way to protect and preserve the family and marriage so it’s waiting on the other side of this crisis is to create space and keep yourself/your kids safe. No matter what happens, the priority is taking care of yourself!