Elderly Alcoholic and Dementia
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 6
Elderly Alcoholic and Dementia
Hello everyone,
My 88 year old father who lives five hours south of me is about to be widowed as my 87 year old mother is in hospice. She is in a good care facility. Though there was space for him, Dad decided to remain at home. He is defiant about leaving and has mild to moderate dementia. He remains an active drinker and will get worse following mom's death. They have been married 68 years.
Police and Adult Protective Services are keeping an eye on him. I also have a geriatric care manager I can call on when something happens. Which it will.
I have power of attorney for finances and health care. My brother is currently staying with our father but will be leaving after the first week of October to return to where he lives a couple thousand miles away. I work full time and have a family.
Both of us are concerned and expect our father to enter a downward spiral. He has been presented with options (home aide and/or assisted living) but has rejected them. He is paranoid about money and forensic accounting will have to be done when he passes or is placed as not all bills get paid. I have automated what bill paying I can, and when he discovers or remembers that he becomes very agitated.
Dad falls semi regularly.
I can do little if anything for my father. He is in a journey of self-destruction. Drinking himself to death and/or suicide would come as no surprise.
It is deeply sad.
Any experience, strength and hope out there?
My 88 year old father who lives five hours south of me is about to be widowed as my 87 year old mother is in hospice. She is in a good care facility. Though there was space for him, Dad decided to remain at home. He is defiant about leaving and has mild to moderate dementia. He remains an active drinker and will get worse following mom's death. They have been married 68 years.
Police and Adult Protective Services are keeping an eye on him. I also have a geriatric care manager I can call on when something happens. Which it will.
I have power of attorney for finances and health care. My brother is currently staying with our father but will be leaving after the first week of October to return to where he lives a couple thousand miles away. I work full time and have a family.
Both of us are concerned and expect our father to enter a downward spiral. He has been presented with options (home aide and/or assisted living) but has rejected them. He is paranoid about money and forensic accounting will have to be done when he passes or is placed as not all bills get paid. I have automated what bill paying I can, and when he discovers or remembers that he becomes very agitated.
Dad falls semi regularly.
I can do little if anything for my father. He is in a journey of self-destruction. Drinking himself to death and/or suicide would come as no surprise.
It is deeply sad.
Any experience, strength and hope out there?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I am so sorry it has come to this for your family. You have done all you can and I agree, it is deeply sad. While it is his right to live as he wishes, it is deeply disappointing that this is his wish. My family learned the hard way that attempting to force an outcome only leads to more misery and pain. I hope you are getting support to accept this situation for what it is, and are doing what you can to mitigate the inevitable fallout, whether it is emotional or financial.
I am also deeply sorry for the loss of your mother.
I am also deeply sorry for the loss of your mother.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sending supportive thoughts and prayers to you. Sounds as if you have done well above and beyond to help.
My alcoholic father choose a similar path. Insisted on being at home long past we felt it was safe. Rejected any care givers coming in to help him. However towards the end he had particularly nasty fall which resulted in a hospital stay.
The hospital then became legally responsible for him in that it was deemed unsafe for him to go back to his home. (He lived on his own). They had the power to stop him going there. So he was discharged to a nursing home which turned out to be a blessing as he was then well cared for the last few weeks of his life.
So sorry about your mum too.
My alcoholic father choose a similar path. Insisted on being at home long past we felt it was safe. Rejected any care givers coming in to help him. However towards the end he had particularly nasty fall which resulted in a hospital stay.
The hospital then became legally responsible for him in that it was deemed unsafe for him to go back to his home. (He lived on his own). They had the power to stop him going there. So he was discharged to a nursing home which turned out to be a blessing as he was then well cared for the last few weeks of his life.
So sorry about your mum too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 17
Agony. I'm heartbroken for you. My dad stopped drinking in 1975. He's about you Das age. He knows what his drinking cost our mum and their 7 children. Idk.... he doesn't talk too much about it. We kids do, tho.. He does acknowledge that our sweet mum saved us all the day she packed his things and told him goodbye. He went to AA a lot,, for many years. I guess your old man is stubborn as the day is long. They (alcoholic parent)manage to almost turn the air in the room to cement. Can't talk to them. Can't listen to them. That's the way they get their escape. They're right in front of us, yet we cannot reach them. I'm heart broken for you and your brother.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 20
As his medical power of attorney you may want to make sure you have covered all you bases legally in regards to his safety. Depending on his level of dementia he may not be competent to make the decision to reject an in home caregiver and if APS finds signs of neglect even self neglect you may or may not be held liable depending on the state of neglect and your state you live in and your relationship with the APS case worker. Hopefully you, the APS case manager and the geriatric case manager all have a good working relationships (and good documentation) to try to best meet his needs but if an unfamiliar person gets involved and accusations start flying, you want to be covered. Not trying to scare you I just believe in having enough knowledge to make informed decisions.
You are in a predicament being so far away and reliant on others for their observations and reporting, he's not likely to be completely forthcoming with how he's doing. Do you have a life alert or some kind of button he can push if he falls and can't get up? At the minimum suggest he keep a cordless or cellphone with him at all times so he can call for help if he needs it. Meals on wheels if available in his area is a daily wellness check as well as a mid day meal and 2 meals for the weekend on Fridays, during Covid it may be modified somewhat.
If you haven't I would ask the geriatric case manager and/or his doctor to review his medications in light of his alcohol use, just to make sure he isn't taking anything that puts additional stress on the liver. Sometimes the medications can't be adjusted but sometimes they can pick a different medication that is filtered through the kidneys and doesn't use the liver as much.
Aging with dementia is hard enough without adding in alcoholism and it's brutal on the loved ones. You are doing a great job in a difficult position. Let me know if you have any other questions, I worked with elderly for several years in a case management role.
You are in a predicament being so far away and reliant on others for their observations and reporting, he's not likely to be completely forthcoming with how he's doing. Do you have a life alert or some kind of button he can push if he falls and can't get up? At the minimum suggest he keep a cordless or cellphone with him at all times so he can call for help if he needs it. Meals on wheels if available in his area is a daily wellness check as well as a mid day meal and 2 meals for the weekend on Fridays, during Covid it may be modified somewhat.
If you haven't I would ask the geriatric case manager and/or his doctor to review his medications in light of his alcohol use, just to make sure he isn't taking anything that puts additional stress on the liver. Sometimes the medications can't be adjusted but sometimes they can pick a different medication that is filtered through the kidneys and doesn't use the liver as much.
Aging with dementia is hard enough without adding in alcoholism and it's brutal on the loved ones. You are doing a great job in a difficult position. Let me know if you have any other questions, I worked with elderly for several years in a case management role.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 6
Checking in
Hello wonderful community,
Your replies are exhibiting the experience, strength, and hope I am looking for. Thank you and please keep sharing what you can. Prayers are huge to me.
The geriatric care manager, APS worker or combination thereof, will have one more conversation with dad after mom passes offering options. Currently he maintains his hygiene and pays a housekeeper to clean twice a month. He is at the level of competence to keep up appearances. But I know when he thinks a bill is unfair (ambulance charge for fall in bar parking lot), he does not pay it. The accountant and I will have our work cut out for us down the road.
Dad's doctor has whittled him down to one medication, a beta blocker. When something happens, the care manager, APS worker, the doctor, and I will most likely get him placed in a rehab place and then nursing home. I think what will precipitate this is a broken hip.
GoldenDog your experience is helpful. My father refuses to get a call button service and loses his cell phone regularly. He has a cordless at the house. He does not want to pay for anything to help himself. He thinks Meals on Wheels is too expensive.
Grief when my mother goes will overwhelm him. He is manipulative and his decision making is unpredictable. What I wish him more than anything is peace. His only real love besides himself and the bottle has been my mother.
Again, all very very sad.
Please pray for peace for my own little family as well as my lost father.
Your replies are exhibiting the experience, strength, and hope I am looking for. Thank you and please keep sharing what you can. Prayers are huge to me.
The geriatric care manager, APS worker or combination thereof, will have one more conversation with dad after mom passes offering options. Currently he maintains his hygiene and pays a housekeeper to clean twice a month. He is at the level of competence to keep up appearances. But I know when he thinks a bill is unfair (ambulance charge for fall in bar parking lot), he does not pay it. The accountant and I will have our work cut out for us down the road.
Dad's doctor has whittled him down to one medication, a beta blocker. When something happens, the care manager, APS worker, the doctor, and I will most likely get him placed in a rehab place and then nursing home. I think what will precipitate this is a broken hip.
GoldenDog your experience is helpful. My father refuses to get a call button service and loses his cell phone regularly. He has a cordless at the house. He does not want to pay for anything to help himself. He thinks Meals on Wheels is too expensive.
Grief when my mother goes will overwhelm him. He is manipulative and his decision making is unpredictable. What I wish him more than anything is peace. His only real love besides himself and the bottle has been my mother.
Again, all very very sad.
Please pray for peace for my own little family as well as my lost father.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 6
Hello again,
We are headed south for my mother's final days and her funeral afterward.
My mother is and was a beautiful person. Many people will mourn her.
My father will and is going off the rails. I have advised the police and Adult Protective Services again of the concern.
The geriatric care manager is ready to help me for whatever comes next.
Al Anon is a tremendous support I am a grateful member.
I have had considerable courage in what has been a long journey toward getting my mother placed. It is a long story, but my father was hiding her medicationsvwhen he realized she was not taking them. Home Health refused to come out due to all the problems. APS got involved which made for the change.
Thanks for all your prayers this far. You are all in mine too.
I am mourning my mother and scared about what the future holds for my father. I fear for my own sanity and that of my family. Please send some more peace our way. I am sending it out to all of you too.
We are headed south for my mother's final days and her funeral afterward.
My mother is and was a beautiful person. Many people will mourn her.
My father will and is going off the rails. I have advised the police and Adult Protective Services again of the concern.
The geriatric care manager is ready to help me for whatever comes next.
Al Anon is a tremendous support I am a grateful member.
I have had considerable courage in what has been a long journey toward getting my mother placed. It is a long story, but my father was hiding her medicationsvwhen he realized she was not taking them. Home Health refused to come out due to all the problems. APS got involved which made for the change.
Thanks for all your prayers this far. You are all in mine too.
I am mourning my mother and scared about what the future holds for my father. I fear for my own sanity and that of my family. Please send some more peace our way. I am sending it out to all of you too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 6
Thanks everyone for your loving prayers.
It is sad to see alcoholism soon to claim another person, in this case my father however it happens. From the thread above you all know we have done all we can.
Living at a distance has been a blessing and a challenge as I could not do anything for him if I lived right next door.
Please keep up your prayers for as peaceful an outcome as possible to this situation. You all continue in my prayers as well.
It is sad to see alcoholism soon to claim another person, in this case my father however it happens. From the thread above you all know we have done all we can.
Living at a distance has been a blessing and a challenge as I could not do anything for him if I lived right next door.
Please keep up your prayers for as peaceful an outcome as possible to this situation. You all continue in my prayers as well.
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