Just a little reminder
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Just a little reminder
Hi guys... I am doing pretty good still. I had a moment that triggered me the other day. I guess I am just coming here to be reminded that my soon to b exAH will not "snap out of it" and stop drinking and be a better husband for another girl. I am having an issue with equity and what I put into the marriage. I know that is normal... but when my head spins a little bit I can find myself telling myself a story like..."Oh he will meet someone or get back together with his other ex wife and they will live happily ever after"... I know logically that is not true... it just runs through my head sometimes. Do you guys have any tools for when you think that way?
Thank you everyone again
Thank you everyone again
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya.....something that I recently read, here on the forum....unfortunately, I can't remember who wrote it.....but, it goes like this-------"/wnenever we give of ourselves, there is no Guarentee that we will recieve back in kind. I have given that a lot of thought. I think that is one of Life's realities that is not often talked about. I sure do wish that someone had told me about that when I was a little sprout.
That thought may not give you much comfort, but I think it may provide some reason to why it happened the way it did.
Actually, I think that this may be, for you,
a piece of the Rumination that seems to be a part of the grieving process. Personally, I think it is harder grieving over losing a relationship that was dysfunctional than losing a healthy relationship (like through illness, death, natural disaster, etc.),
Yes, I do think it is natural to feel jelousy and anger toward someone else who has "taken" what we have felt that "belonged" to us. Even it is never going to happen....
Probably a throw back to our more primitive brains.
That thought may not give you much comfort, but I think it may provide some reason to why it happened the way it did.
Actually, I think that this may be, for you,
a piece of the Rumination that seems to be a part of the grieving process. Personally, I think it is harder grieving over losing a relationship that was dysfunctional than losing a healthy relationship (like through illness, death, natural disaster, etc.),
Yes, I do think it is natural to feel jelousy and anger toward someone else who has "taken" what we have felt that "belonged" to us. Even it is never going to happen....
Probably a throw back to our more primitive brains.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I hear you, I also think is natural to have these thoughts. They will pass.
As you know, reality is an alcohol abuser can only get well if they completely stop drinking AND work very hard at a recovery program to learn coping mechanisms, change their outlook on the world etc. Even if they do it, it takes years!
As you know, reality is an alcohol abuser can only get well if they completely stop drinking AND work very hard at a recovery program to learn coping mechanisms, change their outlook on the world etc. Even if they do it, it takes years!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 20
I am in the beginning of the separation process and when I start to have thoughts of self doubt or thoughts that the kids are going to prefer their fun time, party style Dad I try to distract myself. Those thoughts usually creep in at night when I'm trying to relax enough to go to sleep. I listen to books. I can check them out from the local library online and listen to them on an app on my phone. They don't have to be good books, just usually something without a lot of gore and negativity. (A lighthearted clean romance) I listen long enough to relax and distract my brain from everything that's going on.
Another thing I found helpful, someone suggested I make a list of all the things my AH did along the way as a reminder of why I had to leave in the first place. It's so easy to forget the bad and remember the good times or even hope for better times. It isn't exactly a way to prevent those thoughts of what his life is going to be like or how well he could do but it could be a reminder of what actually was. I don't always have to read the list but I can picture it and how long it is and I remember no matter what happens and what he does or says I can't go back to living like that.
Hope you have a better day!
Another thing I found helpful, someone suggested I make a list of all the things my AH did along the way as a reminder of why I had to leave in the first place. It's so easy to forget the bad and remember the good times or even hope for better times. It isn't exactly a way to prevent those thoughts of what his life is going to be like or how well he could do but it could be a reminder of what actually was. I don't always have to read the list but I can picture it and how long it is and I remember no matter what happens and what he does or says I can't go back to living like that.
Hope you have a better day!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
40 years after the end of our relationship, I reconnected with someone who had been a close friend with Ex. Apparently, Ex also treated his closest friends badly. His buddy mentioned being "willing to forgive [him] but couldn't speak for [other friends]..." and Ex "moving away to leave his past behind."
I suspect treating people poorly is a recurring theme in his life. That may be why he has zero social media presence.
I suspect treating people poorly is a recurring theme in his life. That may be why he has zero social media presence.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Not sure if this is helpful but I have yet to see someone snap out of being an *******. lol
Could what you ponder happen, sure, over many years maybe. In your stbexh's case, it would certainly take more than stopping drinking to fix this. When you think of just the one major incident and how he has been since (talk to me but do not mention any emotions - if I am remembering correctly) that speaks volumes to where he is at. No one snaps out of that kind of thing.
As for equity, if you mean emotionally then for sure you probably did contribute more. Personally I don't think of things that way, if I am happy with the status quo, I go with it. The fact that you are mulling it probably means you never were happy with it. As dandylion mentions, it's just not necessarily equitable. I think I have always known this and I have no idea why (maybe it's from growing up in a house with an alcoholic in it - maybe that is one good lesson you learn - lord knows there has to be something lol).
My parents marriage was like that, there is no prize when the relationship is over for bending over backwards to keep things peaceful/normal/happy.
A great tool is what Golden mentioned, that list, writing it out is actually kind of freeing (seems like it might be painful but in fact it can be the opposite). Your mind can get in a rut of going over things like - he could miraculously be amazing! - the way to undo that rut is to send your mind elsewhere, to the truth really.
Overall it could just be wishful thinking in the - why can't I have that version of him - line - well the truth is you can't and neither can anyone else because right now, that doesn't actually exist.
Could what you ponder happen, sure, over many years maybe. In your stbexh's case, it would certainly take more than stopping drinking to fix this. When you think of just the one major incident and how he has been since (talk to me but do not mention any emotions - if I am remembering correctly) that speaks volumes to where he is at. No one snaps out of that kind of thing.
As for equity, if you mean emotionally then for sure you probably did contribute more. Personally I don't think of things that way, if I am happy with the status quo, I go with it. The fact that you are mulling it probably means you never were happy with it. As dandylion mentions, it's just not necessarily equitable. I think I have always known this and I have no idea why (maybe it's from growing up in a house with an alcoholic in it - maybe that is one good lesson you learn - lord knows there has to be something lol).
My parents marriage was like that, there is no prize when the relationship is over for bending over backwards to keep things peaceful/normal/happy.
A great tool is what Golden mentioned, that list, writing it out is actually kind of freeing (seems like it might be painful but in fact it can be the opposite). Your mind can get in a rut of going over things like - he could miraculously be amazing! - the way to undo that rut is to send your mind elsewhere, to the truth really.
Overall it could just be wishful thinking in the - why can't I have that version of him - line - well the truth is you can't and neither can anyone else because right now, that doesn't actually exist.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
One week after my post on this thread, my friend on Facebook passed on the news that Ex has just died.
His obituary listed his childhood hobbies, and his jobs. There were no adult activities (political affiliations, bowling teams, hobbies.) There was no long-term companion mentioned, no friends, not even a mention of his fraternity. His siblings plan to have a memorial service next year. His male friends have connected on Facebook about the loss - tempered with comments such as "a mix of emotions."
Even though he treated me terribly, I'm starting to find the ending of his story sad.
His obituary listed his childhood hobbies, and his jobs. There were no adult activities (political affiliations, bowling teams, hobbies.) There was no long-term companion mentioned, no friends, not even a mention of his fraternity. His siblings plan to have a memorial service next year. His male friends have connected on Facebook about the loss - tempered with comments such as "a mix of emotions."
Even though he treated me terribly, I'm starting to find the ending of his story sad.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 25
Ooo girl I feel you! But not everyday now. And I'm getting to that point where if there is someone else they can have him, and god speed.
In moments like this I remember how he left me so abruptly after promising so many years together and how he would be the most awesome husband and father to my kids. In the end it was just all lies. And screw going back to that. We never deserved the silent treatments, the abrupt endings, the no give to the take.
I wouldn't touch that again. Yes I mourn and grieve, and am terrified he will want to come back in the future, and I know I have to find that strength to say NO. Because guess what? We know what we would be getting. A platter of a lifetime of disappointment at the cost of our identities.
Stay strong! We're about the same age. I know it can be rough and nostalgic but remember the reality of what we are grieving and not the illusion we convinced ourselves of. X
In moments like this I remember how he left me so abruptly after promising so many years together and how he would be the most awesome husband and father to my kids. In the end it was just all lies. And screw going back to that. We never deserved the silent treatments, the abrupt endings, the no give to the take.
I wouldn't touch that again. Yes I mourn and grieve, and am terrified he will want to come back in the future, and I know I have to find that strength to say NO. Because guess what? We know what we would be getting. A platter of a lifetime of disappointment at the cost of our identities.
Stay strong! We're about the same age. I know it can be rough and nostalgic but remember the reality of what we are grieving and not the illusion we convinced ourselves of. X
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by velma929 
One week after my post on this thread, my friend on Facebook passed on the news that Ex has just died.
His obituary listed his childhood hobbies, and his jobs. There were no adult activities (political affiliations, bowling teams, hobbies.) There was no long-term companion mentioned, no friends, not even a mention of his fraternity. His siblings plan to have a memorial service next year. His male friends have connected on Facebook about the loss - tempered with comments such as "a mix of emotions."
Even though he treated me terribly, I'm starting to find the ending of his story sad.
His obituary listed his childhood hobbies, and his jobs. There were no adult activities (political affiliations, bowling teams, hobbies.) There was no long-term companion mentioned, no friends, not even a mention of his fraternity. His siblings plan to have a memorial service next year. His male friends have connected on Facebook about the loss - tempered with comments such as "a mix of emotions."
Even though he treated me terribly, I'm starting to find the ending of his story sad.
I feel bad for these men. I feel bad for us women but what these men are going through in their heads must be terrible! I'm so empathetic - it seems to a fault - I just keep seeing how bad i feel for them and almost feeling their pain. What a terrible affliction this is.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by StephEgan
It is sad 
I feel bad for these men. I feel bad for us women but what these men are going through in their heads must be terrible! I'm so empathetic - it seems to a fault - I just keep seeing how bad i feel for them and almost feeling their pain. What a terrible affliction this is.
I feel bad for these men. I feel bad for us women but what these men are going through in their heads must be terrible! I'm so empathetic - it seems to a fault - I just keep seeing how bad i feel for them and almost feeling their pain. What a terrible affliction this is.I know what you mean by feeling others pain and that's not a horrible trait, but it is horrible if you don't control it. A bit of a barrier around your feelings is a good thing. When you take on others pain you start to be pulled this way and that. An emotional roller coaster. Doesn't help them, doesn't help you.
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