Rose56

Days like today make me wonder about my choices. It is so hard living with an active alcoholic. Today hubby took an interest in our financial situation, he wanted to know how much we owed on our morgage and how much was in our retirement accounts, how much life insurance we had. Sort of made me feel like he was taking stock, maybe taking responsibility. Then we ran several errends, did some Christmas shopping, food shopping and he made some soup. So far so good. Then he goes out and buys some votka because the beer he prefers gives him gout. I decide to go get a manicure and when I return he is gone. Out drinking somewhere, and I notice that half of the pint bottle of votka is gone. So far I am detached, or so I think. It is nice to be home alone with the quiet. After a short while he comes back home, and bang I am on him like a shot. Where have you been, do you know how much you drank today, do you know you place me at risk when you drink and drive. Presto I am the insane woman arguing with a drunk man. Luckily after a short while I give up and go back to my reading.

So here I am on the computer, while he is snoring in the next room in front of the TV. It is so painful because I can see his struggle, I can see what he would like to do. I see his sense of failure. So here is the thing, I am starting to wonder about my choice to stay with him, not because he has wronged me, but because being around his struggle is too painful. Bearing witness to his painful struggle saps my strength and my hope. It weighs me down, down , down.

Ann

Rose

It's been a long journey, but you have come so very far. Sure you lost your cool tonight, but you recognized that and got back on course quickly.

Stay or go is entirely up to you Rose. Is there a good side to all this? Can you be happy living with him? If not, maybe think about what would make you happy, Rose and what you would need to do to get there.

Just take your time, maybe you'll feel different tomorrow.

Hugs
Ann

Dunitall

Rose

This has significance for me and my prayers are with you.

I am the alcoholic partner of a wonderful girlfriend. I have previously carried out very similar beahviours to those which you describe of your H.

Since starting to attend AA two months ago and now actively pursuing my recovery, these habits no longer exist. I am stronger, am growing and I know pretty much what I want from life. That doesn't include alcohol.

The troubles which we A's have caused don't vanish overnight and I feel sure that you will want to take care of yourself without worrying over your H. You're worth it aren't you??

I hope you understand that you can't control your H's behaviour and that you are not responsible for it. He may have problems and if so, it's up to him to seek help for them. There is plenty of help available.

Once we A's swallow our pride, we can actually start to realise that we're not the centre of the universe. In doing so, we also recognise that our behaviours affect our loved ones and that we should consider them before ourselves. This is a big step. But with the support of a recovery programme such as AA, even the most strident males among us can become humble and appreciative.

Your H has an illness. Don't give up on yourself.

Hugs.

Rich.

Rose56

Thanks Ann,
Can I be happy with him? Yes, and I am about 60% of the time. I can be happy in my own life even if I am not always happy with his choices. I love him and feel bonded to him. SOmetimes it is hard to maintain my boundaries in the face of his pain and struggle. I am happy and my life is good in spite of his troubles. This makes me feel guilt too. I remind myself that life is shades of gray.

As I type this my young cat sits watching the screen with his paw on the keyboard and my dog circles behind me nosing my leg as if to say "Isn't it time for bed Mom?". So bed time it is. Good night. Tomorrow is another day.

Magichappens

Rose,
We all have slips. It's progress, not perfection. I don't expect that I will ever get to the point of not reacting to pain in the old way. But we catch ourself. We examine ourself. And we get better.

Sunday is going to be a tough one for me. My folks are coming for a visit, and that is a slippery slope, to put it nicely. I expect I will be better at dealing with them. I don't expect it to go perfectly. Hopefully, I won't lose it. I am sure a new post will come out of it. Just another learning opportunity. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Hugs, Magic

cwohio

rose - i know exactly how you feel. i too have a hard time dealing with the pain of seeing my ah struggle and try but to no avail. it is VERY emotionally draining. just know that you are not alone! hugs - cwohio

Rainy

Hi Rose...whether you stay or go as long as you are making choices that are for the right reasons (it sounds like you do) you will be OK. its HARD living with an active A and its OK to admit to ourselves that we don't want to do it anymore. its also OK to admit that there's enough good in the marriage to make it worth staying.

One day at a time and keep praying for guidance.

oh yes and we all have slips now and then..dont beat yourself up over it. look at the positive instead...you recognized what you were doing and stopped.

((hugs))