Husband Secret Drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by sage1969 
All these health issues are secondary / comorbid to the alcoholism. If he were to go through detox, remain sober, and commit to recovery, some of the other health issues might resolve, but to slap a bandaid on each health issue without addressing the alcoholism is just that, slapping on bandaids that are going to come right off.
Alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better, it always gets worse. Your husband's current health issues will continue to get worse, and the only way to fix this is to treat the alcoholism.
Many of us at SR including myself have seen escalating violence with slamming and breaking things. That escalates into physical violence. It escalates, and does not improve, if the alcoholism and domestic violence aren't both treated. For your daughter's sake, as well as your own, get this out of your home ASAP.
I can't speak for a healthy marriage since both of mine were distinctly not healthy. I would definitely say that what you are experiencing is not healthy. It is good that you are self - sufficient and able to spend time with your own interests and pursuits, you will need this resiliency.
I would say that managing the health appointments for your husband, and saying it's ok for him to drink sometimes, just not as much, are both codependent and enabling. For an alcoholic no amount of alcohol is ok, ever. It's understandable to not want to admit codependent or enabling behaviors; that was a hard one for me to face. I've found though that when I'm most resistant to something, the more I dig in my heels, the more of a problem there is, and that I have to face and work on that problem. So learning as much as you can about codependency and enabling behaviors will be really helpful.
Alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better, it always gets worse. Your husband's current health issues will continue to get worse, and the only way to fix this is to treat the alcoholism.
Many of us at SR including myself have seen escalating violence with slamming and breaking things. That escalates into physical violence. It escalates, and does not improve, if the alcoholism and domestic violence aren't both treated. For your daughter's sake, as well as your own, get this out of your home ASAP.
I can't speak for a healthy marriage since both of mine were distinctly not healthy. I would definitely say that what you are experiencing is not healthy. It is good that you are self - sufficient and able to spend time with your own interests and pursuits, you will need this resiliency.
I would say that managing the health appointments for your husband, and saying it's ok for him to drink sometimes, just not as much, are both codependent and enabling. For an alcoholic no amount of alcohol is ok, ever. It's understandable to not want to admit codependent or enabling behaviors; that was a hard one for me to face. I've found though that when I'm most resistant to something, the more I dig in my heels, the more of a problem there is, and that I have to face and work on that problem. So learning as much as you can about codependency and enabling behaviors will be really helpful.
Re the drinking - it was more that it didn't really sink in until today about the issue. I didn't tell him to stop drinking because he is an adult and I can't tell him what to do and I know he'd just hide it again anyway so that is what I meant re the drinking. If the drinking wasn't the cause of these issues then I wouldnt' care about a bottle of vodka a week - that's whta I mean. But as it is the most likel ycause, I do care very much but I also know he isn't going to stop if I tell him to so what's the point?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by sage1969
All these health issues are secondary / comorbid to the alcoholism. If he were to go through detox, remain sober, and commit to recovery, some of the other health issues might resolve, but to slap a bandaid on each health issue without addressing the alcoholism is just that, slapping on bandaids that are going to come right off.
Alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better, it always gets worse. Your husband's current health issues will continue to get worse, and the only way to fix this is to treat the alcoholism.
Many of us at SR including myself have seen escalating violence with slamming and breaking things. That escalates into physical violence. It escalates, and does not improve, if the alcoholism and domestic violence aren't both treated. For your daughter's sake, as well as your own, get this out of your home ASAP.
I can't speak for a healthy marriage since both of mine were distinctly not healthy. I would definitely say that what you are experiencing is not healthy. It is good that you are self - sufficient and able to spend time with your own interests and pursuits, you will need this resiliency.
I would say that managing the health appointments for your husband, and saying it's ok for him to drink sometimes, just not as much, are both codependent and enabling. For an alcoholic no amount of alcohol is ok, ever. It's understandable to not want to admit codependent or enabling behaviors; that was a hard one for me to face. I've found though that when I'm most resistant to something, the more I dig in my heels, the more of a problem there is, and that I have to face and work on that problem. So learning as much as you can about codependency and enabling behaviors will be really helpful.
Alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better, it always gets worse. Your husband's current health issues will continue to get worse, and the only way to fix this is to treat the alcoholism.
Many of us at SR including myself have seen escalating violence with slamming and breaking things. That escalates into physical violence. It escalates, and does not improve, if the alcoholism and domestic violence aren't both treated. For your daughter's sake, as well as your own, get this out of your home ASAP.
I can't speak for a healthy marriage since both of mine were distinctly not healthy. I would definitely say that what you are experiencing is not healthy. It is good that you are self - sufficient and able to spend time with your own interests and pursuits, you will need this resiliency.
I would say that managing the health appointments for your husband, and saying it's ok for him to drink sometimes, just not as much, are both codependent and enabling. For an alcoholic no amount of alcohol is ok, ever. It's understandable to not want to admit codependent or enabling behaviors; that was a hard one for me to face. I've found though that when I'm most resistant to something, the more I dig in my heels, the more of a problem there is, and that I have to face and work on that problem. So learning as much as you can about codependency and enabling behaviors will be really helpful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I think you really have a lot of clarity about this Steph and you are going to be ok. Once the tornado has left the building, I hope you will be able to live peacefully and happily again.
As sage said, action not words, as you have realized, he's not about to do anything, but again, that's not your problem.
I can understand you not wanting to talk to him when your Daughter is there, is there any possibility your parents could take her for a ride or out to dinner one night? That's assuming it's safe for you to confront him alone. If not perhaps you could have a friend come over and just be "around". It's hard to talk to someone when they are drunk, as you know all too well, just remember you never have to J.A.D.E - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. He's not coming to the sober party right now so all that would be a waste of your time and emotional energy. Perhaps if he wants a big talk session you could agree to meet him for coffee in a week or so to discuss?
As sage said, action not words, as you have realized, he's not about to do anything, but again, that's not your problem.
I can understand you not wanting to talk to him when your Daughter is there, is there any possibility your parents could take her for a ride or out to dinner one night? That's assuming it's safe for you to confront him alone. If not perhaps you could have a friend come over and just be "around". It's hard to talk to someone when they are drunk, as you know all too well, just remember you never have to J.A.D.E - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. He's not coming to the sober party right now so all that would be a waste of your time and emotional energy. Perhaps if he wants a big talk session you could agree to meet him for coffee in a week or so to discuss?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Yes it is heartbreaking - I am on the verge of tears thinking that our marriage is over and feeling guilty for being the one to kick him out when he isn't even in his home country! He has this way of making everyone around him feel guilty!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by trailmix
I think you really have a lot of clarity about this Steph and you are going to be ok. Once the tornado has left the building, I hope you will be able to live peacefully and happily again.
As sage said, action not words, as you have realized, he's not about to do anything, but again, that's not your problem.
I can understand you not wanting to talk to him when your Daughter is there, is there any possibility your parents could take her for a ride or out to dinner one night? That's assuming it's safe for you to confront him alone. If not perhaps you could have a friend come over and just be "around". It's hard to talk to someone when they are drunk, as you know all too well, just remember you never have to J.A.D.E - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. He's not coming to the sober party right now so all that would be a waste of your time and emotional energy. Perhaps if he wants a big talk session you could agree to meet him for coffee in a week or so to discuss?
As sage said, action not words, as you have realized, he's not about to do anything, but again, that's not your problem.
I can understand you not wanting to talk to him when your Daughter is there, is there any possibility your parents could take her for a ride or out to dinner one night? That's assuming it's safe for you to confront him alone. If not perhaps you could have a friend come over and just be "around". It's hard to talk to someone when they are drunk, as you know all too well, just remember you never have to J.A.D.E - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. He's not coming to the sober party right now so all that would be a waste of your time and emotional energy. Perhaps if he wants a big talk session you could agree to meet him for coffee in a week or so to discuss?
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by StephEgan
Well the issue is I guess I can't even tell if he is drunk or not lol! Clearly - I mean there were 6 bottles of empty booze in the golf bag so he has been drinking when I haven't realised it! I think sometimes I thought he had a neurological issue causing him to appear drunk when he wasn't, and sometimes he was topping up his drinking on a night when we were all drinking beer or wine and that just wasn't enough for him, but sometimes I think he was swigging it and I had no idea at all!!!
Set your boundaries so that you feel safe having this discussion, but as suggested by Trailmix, the serious conversation might have to wait til he's been out of the house and not drinking, over coffee or something. It might have to come in stages: first he moves out, then you meet someplace safe away from the house to discuss what happens next.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by sage1969
This is just it -- there may never be the perfect time to have this conversation, if he must be sober for it. I know that I had never seen my XABF sober until shortly before I broke up with him.
Set your boundaries so that you feel safe having this discussion, but as suggested by Trailmix, the serious conversation might have to wait til he's been out of the house and not drinking, over coffee or something. It might have to come in stages: first he moves out, then you meet someplace safe away from the house to discuss what happens next.
Set your boundaries so that you feel safe having this discussion, but as suggested by Trailmix, the serious conversation might have to wait til he's been out of the house and not drinking, over coffee or something. It might have to come in stages: first he moves out, then you meet someplace safe away from the house to discuss what happens next.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
He has replied to me - "I know you have no reason to believe me, but this is not as big an issue as you think. I went for months only drinking the odd beer but have been drinking more recently. I can only apologise. I haven't read all of your email because I'm embarassed by my behaviour. However, I promise I will read it all and act on your suggestions. Can we try and talk on our own at some point". To which I said yes but I don't trust you anymore and your I don't want to subject our child to your abusive behaviour anymore. he then said "I know. I've emailed that therapist you suggested and explained this. I don't expect you to put up with this and you shouldn't have to. Itruly apologise and I promise Ill make up for it. I should have been more aware of how ridiculous my behaviour has been and not let it get close to this stage. "
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by StephEgan
He has replied to me - "I know you have no reason to believe me, but this is not as big an issue as you think. I went for months only drinking the odd beer but have been drinking more recently. I can only apologise. I haven't read all of your email because I'm embarassed by my behaviour. However, I promise I will read it all and act on your suggestions. Can we try and talk on our own at some point". To which I said yes but I don't trust you anymore and your I don't want to subject our child to your abusive behaviour anymore. he then said "I know. I've emailed that therapist you suggested and explained this. I don't expect you to put up with this and you shouldn't have to. Itruly apologise and I promise Ill make up for it. I should have been more aware of how ridiculous my behaviour has been and not let it get close to this stage. "
He hasn't read all of your email because he's embarrassed. I think that's very telling that he's not ready to face up to what he has done.
He's contrite now that he knows you are on to him but for years he has been stringing you along. I'm sorry, none of this rings true. But again, action, not words, he has destroyed your relationship so he "emailed" the therapist. All you can do is look at those actions as they unfold, if you feel inclined to try to reconcile. Getting sober is a long road. Putting the drink down is one thing, getting in to true recovery, which means addressing all the issues that kept him drinking in the first place is another.
The initial stages of recovery are really tough. It also means he can never drink again.
So that's all well and good but perhaps he should consider living elsewhere while doing that work, for your sake and that of your Daughter.
As for visitation, he may not want to be all that involved when he sees the work he needs to do (or not do). Also, you could specify supervised visitation only to start with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by trailmix
Right, well, this is pretty much Alcoholism 101, I'm sorry to say.
He hasn't read all of your email because he's embarrassed. I think that's very telling that he's not ready to face up to what he has done.
He's contrite now that he knows you are on to him but for years he has been stringing you along. I'm sorry, none of this rings true. But again, action, not words, he has destroyed your relationship so he "emailed" the therapist. All you can do is look at those actions as they unfold, if you feel inclined to try to reconcile. Getting sober is a long road. Putting the drink down is one thing, getting in to true recovery, which means addressing all the issues that kept him drinking in the first place is another.
The initial stages of recovery are really tough. It also means he can never drink again.
So that's all well and good but perhaps he should consider living elsewhere while doing that work, for your sake and that of your Daughter.
As for visitation, he may not want to be all that involved when he sees the work he needs to do (or not do). Also, you could specify supervised visitation only to start with.
He hasn't read all of your email because he's embarrassed. I think that's very telling that he's not ready to face up to what he has done.
He's contrite now that he knows you are on to him but for years he has been stringing you along. I'm sorry, none of this rings true. But again, action, not words, he has destroyed your relationship so he "emailed" the therapist. All you can do is look at those actions as they unfold, if you feel inclined to try to reconcile. Getting sober is a long road. Putting the drink down is one thing, getting in to true recovery, which means addressing all the issues that kept him drinking in the first place is another.
The initial stages of recovery are really tough. It also means he can never drink again.
So that's all well and good but perhaps he should consider living elsewhere while doing that work, for your sake and that of your Daughter.
As for visitation, he may not want to be all that involved when he sees the work he needs to do (or not do). Also, you could specify supervised visitation only to start with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
My response was " No, you shouldn't have and after MANY years of this, I'm not sure how i could get past it. Good you emailed Bruce. You need to figure out what your issues are if you are ever going to live a hapy life, with or without me. I'm not sure how you could ever make up for the years M.. and I have endured of your verbal abuse and violence of hitting and punching things and you saying it was all fine and normal. Just the other night you threw your phone in anger because I wasn't coming in to see you. You do little things like that nonstop basically so I'm not sure how you'll ever change enough at this point for me to be happy again or trust you." Now I just don't know what to do - this is really hard. Is all of that stuf fhe did abuse? How do I find out? Verbal and emotional abuse is tough to "diagnose".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
My brother is divorced - he has major anger issues too and can yell and scream - I saw him yelling in his ex wife's face on time and my mum told me stories of him throwing her papers all over the room in a rage when she was studying for med school finals. She kicked him out eventually - now he has a girlfriend of 3 yrs - they were nauseating together for along time but i see the signs of change lately and recently she told my mum about how he gets VERY angry at her many evenings and screams and she just walks away and goes to bed. He drinks A LOT - they never seem to change even with new women - when the honeymoon period goes away it all comes back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
I just read this in the stickies, which really resonated with me:
You will know when they are ready to change when they say “I need help. Tell me what to do.”
Is that not what my husband has just done by saying in his message "I will take all of hte suggestions in your email"?
You will know when they are ready to change when they say “I need help. Tell me what to do.”
Is that not what my husband has just done by saying in his message "I will take all of hte suggestions in your email"?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by StephEgan
Now I just don't know what to do - this is really hard. Is all of that stuf fhe did abuse? How do I find out? Verbal and emotional abuse is tough to "diagnose".
Him speaking to you the way he does is abusive as well. You do deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You can google emotional abuse and you will probably relate to much of it.
You know, you don't need any other reason to separate from him other than you are not happy. If that were all it was, you could still ask him to leave. I understand you feel guilt, you'll hear that a lot on this forum. We are taught to be kind and compassionate to people who are having a hard time. Addiction is different in that the things you would find in a normal relationship just aren't there, most times it can be the opposite. All that aside, when abuse rears it's ugly head, all bets are off - to love and to cherish - he gave those vows as well.
Marriage is not meant to be a punishment.
Alcoholism/addiction is very selfish, I don't know him but it sounds to me like he is just spouting words to try to keep the status quo.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes it's abuse. Sometimes it's worse than being physically abused really, in my opinion. His anger and acting out is a way to keep control of you (and other people). You don't dare follow up on anything once he has thrown the phone or put a hole in the wall. Perhaps you walk on eggshells, anticipating that you might set him off.
Him speaking to you the way he does is abusive as well. You do deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You can google emotional abuse and you will probably relate to much of it.
You know, you don't need any other reason to separate from him other than you are not happy. If that were all it was, you could still ask him to leave. I understand you feel guilt, you'll hear that a lot on this forum. We are taught to be kind and compassionate to people who are having a hard time. Addiction is different in that the things you would find in a normal relationship just aren't there, most times it can be the opposite. All that aside, when abuse rears it's ugly head, all bets are off - to love and to cherish - he gave those vows as well.
Marriage is not meant to be a punishment.
Alcoholism/addiction is very selfish, I don't know him but it sounds to me like he is just spouting words to try to keep the status quo.
Him speaking to you the way he does is abusive as well. You do deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You can google emotional abuse and you will probably relate to much of it.
You know, you don't need any other reason to separate from him other than you are not happy. If that were all it was, you could still ask him to leave. I understand you feel guilt, you'll hear that a lot on this forum. We are taught to be kind and compassionate to people who are having a hard time. Addiction is different in that the things you would find in a normal relationship just aren't there, most times it can be the opposite. All that aside, when abuse rears it's ugly head, all bets are off - to love and to cherish - he gave those vows as well.
Marriage is not meant to be a punishment.
Alcoholism/addiction is very selfish, I don't know him but it sounds to me like he is just spouting words to try to keep the status quo.
I do what I want and say what I want and when he gets like that I just tell him he's being insane or weird and walk away for the most part. I used to follow up on it all but I don't anymore as there is no point - my pointing all of this out over years has never changed anything so I have given up, but I am not scared of him. I feel pitty for him for being in such internal turmoil that he would behave this way. I think it has to do with how he was raised with fear to control him and hitting etc and if not hits, then threats of hits that would last all day "just wait til your father gets home" thenhim wondering all day if he would get hit with a belt that night or not.
I do feel guilt - extreme guilt. Your line about the vow he took to love and cherish me made me cry last night - I never thought of that before! I just keep thinking I'll go to hell if I break myvows. I woke up a lot last night worrying about this all of this stuff
I have an appt with a therpist next Friday to speak about it all and I have a consult with a divorce lawyer. I want to get all of the information before I do anything. I feel really confused now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's good you are meeting with a therapist and a lawyer. Information is power and support is essential as you navigate the next steps of your journey.
Guilt is a real beast, no doubt. But I am pretty sure no one goes to hell for taking care of themselves and getting out of an abusive situation. I don't personally believe anyone goes there even if all they want is to be happy, and they have determined they can't be happy with the person they are with now. We're not on this earth very long, and wasting any time punishing ourselves out misplaced guilt is heartbreaking to me. You get to be happy. You get to be free from abuse. You get to be cherished and respected and treated like a human being. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting or pursuing those things.
Guilt is a real beast, no doubt. But I am pretty sure no one goes to hell for taking care of themselves and getting out of an abusive situation. I don't personally believe anyone goes there even if all they want is to be happy, and they have determined they can't be happy with the person they are with now. We're not on this earth very long, and wasting any time punishing ourselves out misplaced guilt is heartbreaking to me. You get to be happy. You get to be free from abuse. You get to be cherished and respected and treated like a human being. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting or pursuing those things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It's good you are meeting with a therapist and a lawyer. Information is power and support is essential as you navigate the next steps of your journey.
Guilt is a real beast, no doubt. But I am pretty sure no one goes to hell for taking care of themselves and getting out of an abusive situation. I don't personally believe anyone goes there even if all they want is to be happy, and they have determined they can't be happy with the person they are with now. We're not on this earth very long, and wasting any time punishing ourselves out misplaced guilt is heartbreaking to me. You get to be happy. You get to be free from abuse. You get to be cherished and respected and treated like a human being. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting or pursuing those things.
Guilt is a real beast, no doubt. But I am pretty sure no one goes to hell for taking care of themselves and getting out of an abusive situation. I don't personally believe anyone goes there even if all they want is to be happy, and they have determined they can't be happy with the person they are with now. We're not on this earth very long, and wasting any time punishing ourselves out misplaced guilt is heartbreaking to me. You get to be happy. You get to be free from abuse. You get to be cherished and respected and treated like a human being. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting or pursuing those things.
I guess the confusion for me is that a lot of the time, he is nice and supportive. He does love me - he doesn't try to do things you read about like control my behaviour, where I go, the money I spend etc. I'm a very independent woman and do as I please when I please. He supports my many endeavours and thinks I am very intelligent and hard working. He supports when I am tired with my genetic condition and need to lie down more some weeks than others. He supported me taking our daughter away from the abusive doctors in the UK and suddenly moving her to Canada - like I checked her out of the hospital on a Friday and moved her to Canada on the Sunday and he stayed behind and sold the house, the cars and all of our belongings as well as packed up our shipping container then moved to Canada. He has MANY good qualities and that's why this is so confusing!
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
It can be super confusing to get through this. My XABF was an amazing person, a creative and prolific artist, loving, dedicated to his child, with many good qualities. In the end, I broke it off because of the alcohol. That was the most important thing to him, to the extent that he chose that over me, every time. I wish I could say if he gets better, I'd want to try again, but I never knew him sober, and he made it clear he wasn't going to stop drinking. I wonder about the person he might have been without the addictions, but at the end of the day, it doesn't change the fact that he is not that person. He is an alcoholic, and that is what he chooses.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by sage1969
It can be super confusing to get through this. My XABF was an amazing person, a creative and prolific artist, loving, dedicated to his child, with many good qualities. In the end, I broke it off because of the alcohol. That was the most important thing to him, to the extent that he chose that over me, every time. I wish I could say if he gets better, I'd want to try again, but I never knew him sober, and he made it clear he wasn't going to stop drinking. I wonder about the person he might have been without the addictions, but at the end of the day, it doesn't change the fact that he is not that person. He is an alcoholic, and that is what he chooses.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
