Feeling guilty
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Feeling guilty
This is my first post & I don’t know where to start. I married my AH just in January of this year, so only 8 months ago. We had been together for 2 years before that but we didn’t live together so I didn’t realize that he may have a problem with alcohol. We had a bit of a rocky relationship from the start but the summer before we got married he went on meds for depression & went into therapy, he seemed much better. Things were great for a solid 3-4 months before we got married, & continued to be wonderful until May of this year, when he got some extremely devastating news about his parents. Within a week, he was drinking to the point of passing out, sometimes before dinner. Within a month he was taking his anger out on me, verbally & emotionally. Within 3 months we were fighting almost every single night. It got to the point where 3 weeks ago, he cornered me in a room & yelled profanities in my face, I thought he was going to hit me. Now, the worst part in all of this is that I have an 11-yr old daughter from my first marriage, & she was in the house for most of these events. That night, she had my mom call the police & I ended up getting a restraining order against him so he was forced to leave. Over the course of the next 3 weeks, he got arrested for violating the restraining order & then also got a DUI & wrecked our brand new truck. I have since filed for divorce.
I guess my point is this - he has finally admitted that he has a problem & just started a treatment program (outpatient several days a week) and wants me to give him a chance to prove he can be the sober man he wants to be. He says he’s tired of feeling like crap all the time & wants to get his life back. He’s in therapy to deal with his issue of self-medicating. If I didn’t have my daughter, I would probably be more open to just legally separate & support him & see if we can make this work. He is looking at apartments now & understands that I absolutely cannot allow him back in the house (owned solely by me) with my daughter here. I’ve decided to move forward with the divorce & try to stay as supportive of him as much as possible. I do still love him dearly, & while I’m traumatized by this whole experience, I do feel like perhaps one day, in the far future if he continues with his sobriety, *maybe* we can try again, married or not married. My struggle is this - I’m feeling extremely guilty for divorcing him in his time of need, but in the end, I know I have to put my daughter first. It’s also very difficult to divorce him since we just got married and our future had so much potential, it looked so very bright. It all just happened so very fast.
I’m wondering what you all think about the potential of trying again in the future, after divorce. Do you think it’s possible? I understand it can take years, but maybe it’ll be worth it?
I guess my point is this - he has finally admitted that he has a problem & just started a treatment program (outpatient several days a week) and wants me to give him a chance to prove he can be the sober man he wants to be. He says he’s tired of feeling like crap all the time & wants to get his life back. He’s in therapy to deal with his issue of self-medicating. If I didn’t have my daughter, I would probably be more open to just legally separate & support him & see if we can make this work. He is looking at apartments now & understands that I absolutely cannot allow him back in the house (owned solely by me) with my daughter here. I’ve decided to move forward with the divorce & try to stay as supportive of him as much as possible. I do still love him dearly, & while I’m traumatized by this whole experience, I do feel like perhaps one day, in the far future if he continues with his sobriety, *maybe* we can try again, married or not married. My struggle is this - I’m feeling extremely guilty for divorcing him in his time of need, but in the end, I know I have to put my daughter first. It’s also very difficult to divorce him since we just got married and our future had so much potential, it looked so very bright. It all just happened so very fast.
I’m wondering what you all think about the potential of trying again in the future, after divorce. Do you think it’s possible? I understand it can take years, but maybe it’ll be worth it?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Hi Goldee. I'm sorry this happened to you (and your daughter). I really do think you are doing the right thing. Personally? I would go ahead with the divorce and let him sort out his problems, they are his to sort. Proceeding with the divorce allows you the freedom, without pressure, to reconcile or not. I'm sure you feel guilty, but perhaps that is misplaced guilt? Your priority must be you and your daughter, of course.
Trying again? Who's to say, so much depends on what he does in terms of recovery. There is of course getting sober and then there is recovery, it's so important to make this distinction. Obviously he uses drinking (at least) to deal with emotion and that's a rocky road (for him and for you).
A year of solid sobriety and recovery - therapy/AA/inpatient or outpatient will probably give you a very good idea of the path he is on. If you feel you want to wait, I think that is a good marker to review what you would like to do. It will also take time for you to regain your trust in him no doubt, it's hard to trust someone who backs you in to a corner and screams in your face and makes you feel physically threatened.
Perhaps take some time, learn all you can about alcoholism as knowledge is power and you want to know what you are dealing with. If he is an alcoholic he can never drink again, if he decides he wants to be sober. Alcoholism never goes away and should he decide to pick up again it's a very short slippery slope.
I would recommend you read other threads in the forum and perhaps the Classic Reading section at the top of this forum in the stickies would be helpful too - found under About Recovery:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Trying again? Who's to say, so much depends on what he does in terms of recovery. There is of course getting sober and then there is recovery, it's so important to make this distinction. Obviously he uses drinking (at least) to deal with emotion and that's a rocky road (for him and for you).
A year of solid sobriety and recovery - therapy/AA/inpatient or outpatient will probably give you a very good idea of the path he is on. If you feel you want to wait, I think that is a good marker to review what you would like to do. It will also take time for you to regain your trust in him no doubt, it's hard to trust someone who backs you in to a corner and screams in your face and makes you feel physically threatened.
Perhaps take some time, learn all you can about alcoholism as knowledge is power and you want to know what you are dealing with. If he is an alcoholic he can never drink again, if he decides he wants to be sober. Alcoholism never goes away and should he decide to pick up again it's a very short slippery slope.
I would recommend you read other threads in the forum and perhaps the Classic Reading section at the top of this forum in the stickies would be helpful too - found under About Recovery:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Trailmix, thank you so much for your reply. It really put my mind at ease. In my heart I know divorce is best right now. I do need the freedom to allow myself to heal and he needs to take this time to heal as well. If we decide to reconcile somewhere down the road, it’ll be for the right reasons, not because we’d feel like we have to if we stayed married. The pressure would be too stressful to deal with on top of the stress I’m already feeling (which is a LOT!).
I have been reading a lot of threads in this forum, and it has been so incredibly helpful to know I’m not alone. I also attended an Al-Anon meeting and am learning more about this disease like you suggested.
I have been reading a lot of threads in this forum, and it has been so incredibly helpful to know I’m not alone. I also attended an Al-Anon meeting and am learning more about this disease like you suggested.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
It is important to allow yourself the possibility for you to get with him together again based on certain conditions. Emotionally it is less devastating and it allows you to honor the love and connection you have.
Quite honestly as the connection fades with time you will find it easier to make starker decisions.
I had to allow the possibility of reconciliation as a way to honor the beauty we had but as time went on and the very average story of the addict not getting better unless they choose drastic change was my story. I was able to say....its going to be too long for me to not move on.
That doesn't have to be your story. I just want to give you the freedom of honoring that love and possibility. It isnt something to be ashamed of or think is weakness.
Quite honestly as the connection fades with time you will find it easier to make starker decisions.
I had to allow the possibility of reconciliation as a way to honor the beauty we had but as time went on and the very average story of the addict not getting better unless they choose drastic change was my story. I was able to say....its going to be too long for me to not move on.
That doesn't have to be your story. I just want to give you the freedom of honoring that love and possibility. It isnt something to be ashamed of or think is weakness.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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NewHeart, your response really resonated with me. It has been devastating but we did have something beautiful at one time. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out for you the way you’d hoped. I know that there are two possible endings to my story. From what I’ve been reading, the odds are not in my favor. But I’m willing to stay hopeful for now & see what happens.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
Goldee,
It is ok it did not work out. Thank you for your words. I would consider writing down what your conditions for the relationship are, not rules. Rules are a definition of what a space or organization expects (Household rules such as clean dishes after eating) but are hard to enforce when a person doesn't respect themselves with addiction it becomes hard for them to respect rules outside of themselves.
Write down your boundaries as in what you will not tolerate and what actions you will do when those are crossed. That way you are not waiting for the other person to change or respect rules. An easy one would be...if I am hit or physically assaulted, I will leave the house and call the police. Nothing in there is reliant on him understanding or changing behavior.
Best of luck! I truly hope that for both of your sakes that he is able to claw his way out of addiction. He will need a lot of help which needs to come from outside of your coupling. In the meantime build up your side of the street which you are doing quite well on by being here.
It is ok it did not work out. Thank you for your words. I would consider writing down what your conditions for the relationship are, not rules. Rules are a definition of what a space or organization expects (Household rules such as clean dishes after eating) but are hard to enforce when a person doesn't respect themselves with addiction it becomes hard for them to respect rules outside of themselves.
Write down your boundaries as in what you will not tolerate and what actions you will do when those are crossed. That way you are not waiting for the other person to change or respect rules. An easy one would be...if I am hit or physically assaulted, I will leave the house and call the police. Nothing in there is reliant on him understanding or changing behavior.
Best of luck! I truly hope that for both of your sakes that he is able to claw his way out of addiction. He will need a lot of help which needs to come from outside of your coupling. In the meantime build up your side of the street which you are doing quite well on by being here.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 110
Goldee
You may share or not. It doesn't make too large of a difference. The purpose is in disciplining your behavior and mind not his. You can tell him but without the intention of getting him to act in a certain way. Tell him if it strengthens your resolve since you would have to back up your word
You may share or not. It doesn't make too large of a difference. The purpose is in disciplining your behavior and mind not his. You can tell him but without the intention of getting him to act in a certain way. Tell him if it strengthens your resolve since you would have to back up your word
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
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NewHeart, thank you so much. I think this will give me some direction, which I need right now. I’m not entirely sure what my boundaries are yet, but I will definitely need to figure this out in order to move forward in a healthy way. Thanks again 
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Join Date: Jul 2021
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Anytime and please post as much as you need to or want even if it feels messy. The issues you are facing go to the heart of pain and meaning out of suffering. It is a great life event. You always have help on these forums
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