EveningRose

The event of my daughter's wedding has unfortunately dredged up more ugliness. She has chosen for years to visit my AF and narcissistic mother. She has for years soaked up the family narrative--that I 'can't get along with' any of them. Um, no, because there's a long history of disrespect, mocking, provoking, physical violence, screaming rages and more aimed at me. Plus of course, the fun alcoholic family blame game. No matter who does what, it's my fault. If I lose my temper it's my fault no matter what happened before. If my sibling has a 15" screaming rage, it's my fault. Etc.

My daughter has come to accept this. As a result, she excluded me from her bridal shower. When I asked why, she sent me a long list of times I lost my temper 13 to 14 years ago (in the midst of finding out her father was cheating on me and running us into serious debt, while he was daily running me down, while my family was also doing these things to me) as evidence that I'm 'erratic.' Never mind that the last 12 or more years have been very peaceful and most people think I'm about the calmest person they've ever met.

At the same time she tells me she 'can't forget,' she is angry that I've finally walked away from my family as a result of decades of abuse that never ended and never will. The same double standards--she can't forget ten things but I'm supposed to forget and ignore ten thousand, and things that keep happening.

I've held my tongue about so much because I know my kids are going to put up their hands and tell me they don't want to be put in the middle, they're not choosing sides--although they clearly are, and doing it based on hearing one side. I'm about ready to let loose and give them an earful.

But really, does it ever do any good?

trailmix

Well you could, but no, probably not any good. They have made up their minds that you are "this" even though you may be "that" and nothing you say (in my experience) will change that.

For instance this:

Why is she judging you at all? If you don't want to be around or have a relationship with your other family members, how does that affect her in the least? It doesn't. However as you have said, she has listened to years of this and has joined the group, so to speak.

I read a few of your previous posts and you mentioned you were keeping your younger children away from them, did you manage to do that? Is this just the two older children?

You posted once:

You said you aren't so sure about this, well I agree with you. They (the children) are seeing your actions through the AF and CM's lens. There is nothing you can do about that, eventually, maybe, they will get wiser and see what is, but it might never happen.

I would speak the truth to your children though, calmly, For instance what you wrote: "In the midst of finding out her father was cheating on me and running us into serious debt, while he was daily running me down, while my family was also doing these things to me as evidence that I'm 'erratic.' Never mind that the last 12 or more years have been very peaceful and most people think I'm about the calmest person they've ever met".

That actually sounds like a good reply to me. I wouldn't, personally, bother to address all accusations at once, she won't absorb it all at once, but maybe, just maybe, one day some of this might get through. This is only, of course, if you are even still inclined to address any of this. It's possible to work on just letting it all go.

Her not inviting you to her wedding shower was amazingly cruel.

I came from an alcoholic upbringing as well, I'm just glad no one ever tried to justify any of it. It must feel like madness to you to look at all this.

Do you still attend Al Anon?

velma929

A couple years ago, one of my professors died. Luckily, before he did, his wife set up a Facebook page so his former students and associates could relate their stories and remembrances of him.

Many had gone into the field he taught in and had stories about how his influence helped their careers. I hadn't, but old Prof had given me a life lesson almost as important. One day I was frustrated and sad about my relationship with my father. He listened politely. Then he said, "I'm going to say something that sounds harsh, but it isn't meant to be. Grow up" He explained that people who have known me for years may never see or acknowledge who I was now, and to just accept it and move on. Dad's opinion of me may never change, but had no more relevance than that of a stranger walking down the street - unless I imbued it with more value. It stunk to hear that, but it was true. I eventually did have a better relationship with Dad, never especially close, but not toxic.

EveningRose

She's angry that I didn't want the kids around my family, including her. That holidays are harder because I won't go have one big celebration with them.

I only managed it somewhat. I think their dad routinely took them there behind my back and as they've become adults, I said and did nothing and they've all chosen to spend plenty of time with their grandparents/aunts/uncles.


I told her pretty much that. She doubled down with an even longer list of stories about how I've 'abused' all my children. I can only say I'm grateful to see that she got completely untrue versions of those stories. At least I was able to address a couple of them. I don't think she's in any mood to hear, at this point, that she has believed things that didn't happen.

I quit a long time ago. It may be time to go again. I really thought I had some peace with my kids, including this daughter and this feels like it came out of left field.

Are you saying that I may need to just accept that my daughter's opinion of me may never change? Or that my family's opinions will never change? I've spent a lot of time in prayer this morning and I know it's true. I know I have to seek wisdom to know when to speak strongly to her (as I have the last couple of days) and tell her she doesn't know an awful lot about the things that have gone on--and when to try to understand how it felt to her.

Thank you, both, for taking the time to talk with me.

dandylion

EveningRose.....from what you have shared, it appears, to me, like you have been delegated as the "Scapegoat" of the family. There are a lot of dynamics associated with that role in a family. There are a lot of videos about scapegoating on youtube. I suggest that you might appreciate reading them. It can be quite educational and enlightening for you.
I don't want to say that your daughter will never change her opinion of you----I assume that she is still relatively young? If so, she still has a lot to learn about life.
Your family----who knows? I wouldn't even want to speculate. Dysfunctional families are a tough thing to learn to deal with,
I will say this much----your own welfare must become your main priority. That will become your path to your peace of mind. Do not let them be the mill around your neck for the rest of your life.
I know that you feel very hurt...and my heart goes out to you. Get all of the help that you can to heal the damage that has been done to YOU.

As a child, I spent a great deal of time with my dear grandmother. Over and over, I can remember her saying this about adult children-----"Leave them alone and they will come home, wagging their tails behind them".....
I can take a long time, sometimes, though.....

sage1969

The dynamics of alcoholism and codependency in families of origin are always so ugly and destructive and insidious. I have had this stuff rear it's ugly head in so many unexpected conversations and situations with my parents.

It sounds you've done your best to raise your children away from these influences. They are adults at this point. They make their own choices. And there is nothing you can change about either your children or your family -- you can't change anyone else.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this for so long, I can only imagine how I'd feel if it were me and my children. Perhaps it is time with prayer to let it go, if you can, for your own peace.