The illusion vs the reality

Old 09-04-2021, 06:35 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 539
The illusion vs the reality

Hi guys ... once again this forum has been amazing. I really appreciate everyone on here so much. I went on a run today and was thinking about my soon to be exAH. Most of you know my whole story on here so I won't rewrite it... but as I was on a run I was thinking " I miss him so much "... "We had the it factor and that best friend love"... "He is my husband"..."He really knew me and was my partner"... ect... then I started thinking and almost said it out loud... Wait a second... none of this is true. I have just been telling myself this for so long that it is ingrained in my thinking and has contributed to me hanging on and going back countless times. So I am going to re frame it here....

1. He really knew/knows me: He was too drunk to ever remember ALOT of what I told him

2. He really showed up for me: He never once got me a Mothers Day gift, anniversary gift, or birthday gift... In addition I had to go to the hospital a few times while married. One was for a migraine, One was for Covid and another for an allergic reaction. Not one time during these visits did he stay with me in the room. He drove me there which was sweet but the doctors even had to kick him out one time for smelling like alcohol and seeming drunk in the ER.

3. We could build a future together: NO NO NO... When we moved to Tennessee to be closer to his kids I did ALL of the work. I found us our first apartment, I found us our rental home a year later to be closer to their school... I applied for countless homes to purchase. When we went to go view one of the homes with our realtor he stole alcohol from the homes mini bar while I was upstairs with the realtor and drank warm vodka in the bathroom and when we got in the car to get on the freeway I had to beg him to pull over cause he had one eye shut. It ruined the whole experience for me.

4. I still had my job in California so I flew back and forth for work while he stayed unemployed at the house I was paying for in TN so he could be closer to his kids and when I was stressed he would say " I am being too much"... Our 1 year wedding anniversary we spent apart because of this and he didn't even send me flowers.

5. We liked to travel together: SO NOT TRUE....Whenever we would travel he would be hammered the entire time. We attempted to go to dinner for a wedding anniversary in Maui and I was so excited and he got so drunk that he couldn't hold his head up after appetizers so I had to take him back to the hotel and I had to order pizza. The next day we went jet sking in the middle of the ocean. I like stuff like that. I was really scared though too cause it was in the middle of the ocean and asked him to not drink so I would feel safe. He got drunk and was going so fast on the jet ski that I had him take me off and he pretty much did his own thing..... When we went to take a 2 day getaway and go gambling it was fun at first. We laid by the pool all day and then when we went upstairs to get ready for dinner we both decided to gamble a bit before. Then have dinner. So I checked back with him ( I was playing slots he was playing the tables)... he still wasn't ready and then 2 hours he still wasn't ready. At that point he got super rude with me so I went up to the room at took my makeup off... got into PJs and ordered room service... He walked into the hotel room almost at midnight, drunk as ****, woke me up and asked me if I wanted dinner still...

6. He was supportive: While I will give credit that he was a good builder of things... and helped a lot at my work. I did pay him well for it... anyhow, as far as support for me he would tell me everything that he didn't like about me all the time... If I ever said "I would really love to look into adopting a child one day"... he wouldn't just respond that he doesn't want to instead he would demean me and say "You think you want a kid but you don't"... super hurtful cause I always wanted children and had miscarriage before I was with him and don't know if I can carry them. He would say the same things if I said I wanted a dog eventually or another cat... If I wanted to try to get in better shape he would say it is enevitable that I will be chubby because my parents are... I am 5'2" and 140 lbs... I am not even fat ...

These are just a few... EVERYTHING change EVERYDAY.... I had my first slip up in talking to him for the first time in near 3 months a few days ago and he even changed his feelings in a 24 hour period. The night we talked on the phone he said I was the best wife, so beautiful, so driven... I was so good too him and he missed me every single day... The next morning he literally texted me that "If I would just have chilled out we wouldn't being getting a divorce".... in looking back this is the EXACT crazy behavior he put me through entire relationship. It started 6 months in .... These realizations are helping my thoughts about him being a good guy fade ...

Thank you everyone
LovelyKaya33333 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LovelyKaya33333 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-06-2021), GiftsOfSobriety (09-04-2021), honeypig (09-05-2021), ironwill (09-07-2021), trailmix (09-04-2021)
Old 09-04-2021, 09:06 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
ironwill's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 424
Thank you for such a great share. I'm sorry you were treated so bad. At least your eyes are open now and you can see what's behind the curtain. No more smoke and mirrors, lies and manipulation. You have been strong through this whole ordeal. You will make it through this. Keep being strong. Enjoy you weekend.
ironwill is online now  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ironwill For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-06-2021), trailmix (09-05-2021)
Old 09-05-2021, 10:20 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
dandylion's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,884
Kayla.....your post reminds me of a classic song that was popular before you were born.....
dandylion is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-06-2021)
Old 09-05-2021, 10:27 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
dandylion's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,884 is another classic about illusions.....
dandylion is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-06-2021)
Old 09-05-2021, 01:19 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
trailmix's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 6,547
You posted in another thread how you feel you are on the verge of getting to the other side of this - and that is what I was thinking when I read your post here Kaya.

You really are, acceptance is HUGE and you are getting there. It's not easy, nothing about this is easy, but time and distance gives you the benefit of clearing your mind. When we are right in the middle of it, going about our regular lives, it's pretty hard to do, the not normal gets normalized, as you know.

trailmix is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-06-2021), dandylion (09-05-2021)
Old 09-05-2021, 04:00 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 25
I definitely need to make a list like this! Thank you for posting!
Floating is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Floating For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-06-2021), trailmix (09-06-2021)
Old 09-06-2021, 01:40 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
PeacefulWater12's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,105
Yeah, I think us codies do this. We in our minds make the A into all sorts of things that they aren't.

I did this with AH. In my mind he was a misunderstood, sensitive, delicate soul who just needed the right relationship to help him turn into the man he was always meant. I could go on with heaps I imagined him to be.

Absolute load of b/s!!

Reality being he was an alkie, I was a codie and both of us doing what alkies and codies do! Creating a trainwreck!
PeacefulWater12 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to PeacefulWater12 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-06-2021)
Old 09-06-2021, 06:38 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
velma929's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,206
My fave:
velma929 is online now  
Old 09-06-2021, 07:55 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
dandylion's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,884
Velma.....thanks for bringing out that song! I always loved it....and loved that group. They were the real deal.
dandylion is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-06-2021)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:20 AM.