Fiance left me- he's back drinking
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Fiance left me- he's back drinking
This is my first post and I'm reaching out. I'm absolutely heartbroken and lost.
I met my ex fiance online, I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until I was head over heels for him. I helped him thru almost losing his house, through job hunting, recovery, detox, he finally got a great job that was out of state and we decided to move together. He was sober for a year. His life was all back together. We didn't fight. I thought we were happy. I thought this was a happily ever after. 30 days before we were supposed to get married he told me he changed his mind and I had to leave.
leave.
I was in shock. I haven't stopped crying since this happened. I feel used, humiliated, and like a piece of garbage.
He also has cirrhosis, his alcoholism had left him with so much body damage and I thought we were working on it, we went hiking every weekend and he started going to the gym.
He episodes of HE where he needs to take meds.
A mutual friend called me tonight. He is drinking again.
He used to tell me all the time without me he would be dead. And he had drank himself to deaths door literally in the past and with his bad liver, it's a reality not a metaphor.
I guess I'm just looking for anything. No one understands this. The man who was supposed to be my husband left me to drink himself to death. And he never drank around me during our time together. And he left me and now he's probably going to die.
I'm so sad.
I met my ex fiance online, I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until I was head over heels for him. I helped him thru almost losing his house, through job hunting, recovery, detox, he finally got a great job that was out of state and we decided to move together. He was sober for a year. His life was all back together. We didn't fight. I thought we were happy. I thought this was a happily ever after. 30 days before we were supposed to get married he told me he changed his mind and I had to leave.
leave.
I was in shock. I haven't stopped crying since this happened. I feel used, humiliated, and like a piece of garbage.
He also has cirrhosis, his alcoholism had left him with so much body damage and I thought we were working on it, we went hiking every weekend and he started going to the gym.
He episodes of HE where he needs to take meds.
A mutual friend called me tonight. He is drinking again.
He used to tell me all the time without me he would be dead. And he had drank himself to deaths door literally in the past and with his bad liver, it's a reality not a metaphor.
I guess I'm just looking for anything. No one understands this. The man who was supposed to be my husband left me to drink himself to death. And he never drank around me during our time together. And he left me and now he's probably going to die.
I'm so sad.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I'm really sorry this happened to you floating, it's very painful. You aren't a throw away. He chose alcohol. Sadly, the majority of the time an addict will chose his drug of choice over everything else.
Did he have any support in sobriety, AA, therapy, group support?
What about you now, have you moved back to the State you lived in before you moved with him? Do you have support there at all? I know that people that aren't familiar with alcoholism probably can't understand but you need as much support as you can gather right now.
Did he have any support in sobriety, AA, therapy, group support?
What about you now, have you moved back to the State you lived in before you moved with him? Do you have support there at all? I know that people that aren't familiar with alcoholism probably can't understand but you need as much support as you can gather right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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I moved back to Canada(my home country) and am staying with friends until I get a grasp on new employment and place to call my own.
no I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I kept his alcoholism very private. I was close to his mother who knew his struggles but I don't have the heart to tell her about this relapse. She was devastated when he left me.
He was such a brilliant guy. So smart. I really thought he had it beat. He left me out of nowhere it just blindsided me. My life fell apart.
I'm not even sure what to do knowing that he's dinking. I love him so much but have him blocked on all my media as part of my own self care of being left at the altar. It's just so messed up.
no I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I kept his alcoholism very private. I was close to his mother who knew his struggles but I don't have the heart to tell her about this relapse. She was devastated when he left me.
He was such a brilliant guy. So smart. I really thought he had it beat. He left me out of nowhere it just blindsided me. My life fell apart.
I'm not even sure what to do knowing that he's dinking. I love him so much but have him blocked on all my media as part of my own self care of being left at the altar. It's just so messed up.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
He has treated you horribly, I'm so glad you have him blocked.
It happens, a person stops drinking or attempts to, has a relationship and then at the drop of a hat it falls apart when they start drinking again. Once a person is an alcoholic they can't go back to being a social drinker, so one or two drinks and he would be off again.
I'm not sure what you meeting timeline is like, but if you didn't meet in person or spend any length of time together before you moved together, it is possible he never actually quit, but just couldn't keep up that front anymore.
I would really recommend that you try an Al Anon meeting for more support. Lots of support here for you too. This will take time to heal, but you won't always feel like this.
I hope you will also read around the forum, it can actually be comforting to read others stories as well.
It happens, a person stops drinking or attempts to, has a relationship and then at the drop of a hat it falls apart when they start drinking again. Once a person is an alcoholic they can't go back to being a social drinker, so one or two drinks and he would be off again.
I'm not sure what you meeting timeline is like, but if you didn't meet in person or spend any length of time together before you moved together, it is possible he never actually quit, but just couldn't keep up that front anymore.
I would really recommend that you try an Al Anon meeting for more support. Lots of support here for you too. This will take time to heal, but you won't always feel like this.
I hope you will also read around the forum, it can actually be comforting to read others stories as well.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Thank you so much for the reply. I've been reading and learning so much. I've definitely lost my own identity. You had such words of wisdom. I used to think that being left just before the wedding was my worst nightmare come true.. but I think it could have been what lay ahead if he became a active alcoholic around me and the kids. I will just pray for him and move on. He never gave me a reason why he left.. and I was granted no closure. But like other's here, I'll find that closure only within myself and not from him. This pain is unreal though, knowing I still love him and what's going to happen down the road if he can't stop himself.
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Originally Posted by Floating 
Thank you so much for the reply. I've been reading and learning so much. I've definitely lost my own identity. You had such words of wisdom. I used to think that being left just before the wedding was my worst nightmare come true.. but I think it could have been what lay ahead if he became a active alcoholic around me and the kids. I will just pray for him and move on. He never gave me a reason why he left.. and I was granted no closure. But like other's here, I'll find that closure only within myself and not from him. This pain is unreal though, knowing I still love him and what's going to happen down the road if he can't stop himself.
I sent you a personal message ... Member
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Wow I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m in a very similar situation. We met online and dated for 7 months before he moved to be with me. I was also head over heals before finding out the true extent of his issues with substance abuse. He relapsed about a month after he moved to my city then got hooked on meth. I stayed with him throughout the recovery from that and then he ended up getting a good job in another state so I left everything and moved with him across the country. I waited over four years for a marriage proposal from this man. He would sort of dangle the idea of marriage in front of me but never felt ready. He’d come back from a relapse begging me to get back together with him and he’d say I know you’re the one, you’re my wife. He stayed sober for about 2 years then started drinking secretly and suddenly moved out one day. I was devastated.
since he left, almost a year ago, we’ve broken up and gotten back together over and over.
I stayed away from him for a while but he’s gone to rehab and convinced me he was better so I let him back into my life. He was on Anabuse and Lexapro. He was a completely different person- in a good way. I was so happy for about three months then he relapsed once again. We split up for a month and got back together as just friends and yesterday I finally told him I can’t see him anymore. I didn’t want to be just friends but I can’t see him if he’s still drinking. He blocked me for the first time ever. I’ve blocked him on my phone, email, and all social media. I know this is what’s best for me but I have so much trouble staying away. I’ve even tried dating other people and did meet this really nice guy who ended up also being a functional alcoholic. I don’t understand why I attract this type of man. I remember all the good things but don’t remember how miserable he was. How he put me down, complained about so much, all the fights we had, he cheated on me, I never trusted him, being with him made me crazy in a way because I was always waiting for the next relapse or the next thing I would do to set him off. It was so dramatic between us. Love is supposed to feel good not be a constant source of pain. I can really relate to your story and hopefully we can stay strong and just let go and let God.
since he left, almost a year ago, we’ve broken up and gotten back together over and over.
I stayed away from him for a while but he’s gone to rehab and convinced me he was better so I let him back into my life. He was on Anabuse and Lexapro. He was a completely different person- in a good way. I was so happy for about three months then he relapsed once again. We split up for a month and got back together as just friends and yesterday I finally told him I can’t see him anymore. I didn’t want to be just friends but I can’t see him if he’s still drinking. He blocked me for the first time ever. I’ve blocked him on my phone, email, and all social media. I know this is what’s best for me but I have so much trouble staying away. I’ve even tried dating other people and did meet this really nice guy who ended up also being a functional alcoholic. I don’t understand why I attract this type of man. I remember all the good things but don’t remember how miserable he was. How he put me down, complained about so much, all the fights we had, he cheated on me, I never trusted him, being with him made me crazy in a way because I was always waiting for the next relapse or the next thing I would do to set him off. It was so dramatic between us. Love is supposed to feel good not be a constant source of pain. I can really relate to your story and hopefully we can stay strong and just let go and let God.
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Originally Posted by as35
Love is supposed to feel good not be a constant source of pain. I can really relate to your story and hopefully we can stay strong and just let go and let God.
When you are living with, in a relationship with an addict, you have to spend a lot of time overlooking and excusing horrible behaviour, that can get to be a habit. You can undo that in this case by referring to that list often, 10 times a day if needed.
As for attracting alcoholics, what was your upbringing, was there alcoholism in your family? It's a good thing you are thinking about this as it can be a pattern and one worth examining (and breaking!).
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Originally Posted by as35
He would sort of dangle the idea of marriage in front of me but never felt ready. He’d come back from a relapse begging me to get back together with him and he’d say I know you’re the one, you’re my wife. He stayed sober for about 2 years then started drinking secretly and suddenly moved out one day. I was devastated.
. He was on Anabuse and Lexapro. I don’t understand why I attract this type of man. .
. He was on Anabuse and Lexapro. I don’t understand why I attract this type of man. .
My ex started taking the weed edibles after detox, I never thought much of it, but I am learning that he wasn't in recovery he was just a dry drunk.
I think we attract these men bc we are empathy, healers, and just good souls who believe in the best. Also for me, a childhood were there was little warmth shown. Maybe. It's sad. you deserve better, I deserve better.
I'm going to take the advice from trailmix and make those lists. It's so hard to stay away but I think they will try and come back. Probably like wet drowning puppies looking for a rescuer again. But I never want to see that again. He went through the DTs in detox and he could barely walk. It was awful. I'm not going back to that. I want a partner where support lives both ways.
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Originally Posted by Floating
WOw so similar! It could have been chapters in the same book. I wonder why they suddenly leave? It's very hard to understand why a person would betray someone to that depth. It's vicious. I am just pieces of who I used to be, i felt so humiliated. And he didn't give me a reason why he called the wedding off.. I'm assuming they run from responsibility and their addiction was calling them home, but closure I've decided will never come from him.
My ex started taking the weed edibles after detox, I never thought much of it, but I am learning that he wasn't in recovery he was just a dry drunk.
I think we attract these men bc we are empathy, healers, and just good souls who believe in the best. Also for me, a childhood were there was little warmth shown. Maybe. It's sad. you deserve better, I deserve better.
I'm going to take the advice from trailmix and make those lists. It's so hard to stay away but I think they will try and come back. Probably like wet drowning puppies looking for a rescuer again. But I never want to see that again. He went through the DTs in detox and he could barely walk. It was awful. I'm not going back to that. I want a partner where support lives both ways.
My ex started taking the weed edibles after detox, I never thought much of it, but I am learning that he wasn't in recovery he was just a dry drunk.
I think we attract these men bc we are empathy, healers, and just good souls who believe in the best. Also for me, a childhood were there was little warmth shown. Maybe. It's sad. you deserve better, I deserve better.
I'm going to take the advice from trailmix and make those lists. It's so hard to stay away but I think they will try and come back. Probably like wet drowning puppies looking for a rescuer again. But I never want to see that again. He went through the DTs in detox and he could barely walk. It was awful. I'm not going back to that. I want a partner where support lives both ways.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi as35, I'm glad you decided to post. One thing that can help is to write down those really negative things he did, a list to keep with you at all times. Then when you start to think about how "wonderful" he was, refer to that list to remind yourself.
When you are living with, in a relationship with an addict, you have to spend a lot of time overlooking and excusing horrible behaviour, that can get to be a habit. You can undo that in this case by referring to that list often, 10 times a day if needed.
As for attracting alcoholics, what was your upbringing, was there alcoholism in your family? It's a good thing you are thinking about this as it can be a pattern and one worth examining (and breaking!).
When you are living with, in a relationship with an addict, you have to spend a lot of time overlooking and excusing horrible behaviour, that can get to be a habit. You can undo that in this case by referring to that list often, 10 times a day if needed.
As for attracting alcoholics, what was your upbringing, was there alcoholism in your family? It's a good thing you are thinking about this as it can be a pattern and one worth examining (and breaking!).
I was brought up by a single mother who never dated. I had no father figure. No make attention was given to me until I met my first alcoholic at 17 years old and he proposed to me within 3 months.
I have always had an almost insatiable desire for male attention. I’m sure that’s a part of my attraction and willingness to stay with alcoholics.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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I couldn't have an opinion, boundaries, standards or needs to be in that marriage... Alcohol sucked up all the energy in the room ... I am sure it is the same with you ladies... I think of it now as my love for myself started to grow our relationship began to get worse cause their wasn't room for me and alcohol in his life. I think of that as a compliment now that he left me...[/QUOTE]
Wow! I felt exactly the same way but never knew it was the alcohol. My ex says I have completely unrealistic expectations for a romantic relationship. Truly though, after almost five years together wanting to be at least engaged and living together isn’t an unrealistic expectation. I see it as a blessing in disguise that he left even though it hurts. I don’t have to walk on eggshells any longer. I have peace in so many ways.
I forgot to tell you that as far as my family history goes, I was adopted by my grandmother. I know of my parents but never really knew them well. Both my bio parents were addicts but I’ve only seen them a handful of times. But I always had this longing to have them in my life. While also knowing they probably weren’t the best people to have in my life.
Wow! I felt exactly the same way but never knew it was the alcohol. My ex says I have completely unrealistic expectations for a romantic relationship. Truly though, after almost five years together wanting to be at least engaged and living together isn’t an unrealistic expectation. I see it as a blessing in disguise that he left even though it hurts. I don’t have to walk on eggshells any longer. I have peace in so many ways.
I forgot to tell you that as far as my family history goes, I was adopted by my grandmother. I know of my parents but never really knew them well. Both my bio parents were addicts but I’ve only seen them a handful of times. But I always had this longing to have them in my life. While also knowing they probably weren’t the best people to have in my life.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by as35
I couldn't have an opinion, boundaries, standards or needs to be in that marriage... Alcohol sucked up all the energy in the room ... I am sure it is the same with you ladies... I think of it now as my love for myself started to grow our relationship began to get worse cause their wasn't room for me and alcohol in his life. I think of that as a compliment now that he left me...
I think you are spot on about looking for that attention you didn't get. That's something to work on perhaps, so that you are attracting the kind of people you want in your life. This is not something I know much about but I'm sure others here will chime in.
You are right this is a blessing in disguise and I'm so glad you can see that even though it does hurt!
If you want to read Kaya's story from her first post or anyone else's, you can just click on their name in the thread, right above their picture and get a drop down menu. You can just choose "view all posts" or you can choose Public Profile and on the Statistics tab there you can narrow it down to All threads started by.
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