He keeps reaching out.
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He keeps reaching out.
Broke up with my ex in March after I discovered he was cheating on me. We had reconciled 6 months before that, after he broke it off to 'work on his mental health' after his binge drinking and depression got really bad. He found me to reconcile, saying he got a therapist, on medication and was looking at rehab programs.
Anyways, since March, I went no contact and ignored most of his attempts. I refused him closure because he knows what he did. He stayed with the woman he cheated with and blocked me. He'd reach out to me, clearly on a bender to pick fights. Tell me how much more supportive she is. When that stopped working, he'd start reminiscing and sending me memories of us. He drunk called me twice, crying into the phone about screwing our relationship up, missing me and saying goodbye because he's gonna kill himself or saying he needs closure to move on.
I told his new girlfriend all of this. I just wanted to be left alone, and wanted someone to know about his suicidal threats. It stopped for 6 weeks then.
I got an email last weekend. He said he had so much he wanted to say and explain to me but couldn't over text. He admitted to lying to me, and said he is struggling for happiness. I told his girlfriend, who actually called in a wellbeing check on him because he was suicidal. I responded to his email with compassion but firmness. It killed me to tell him I never want to hear from him again. It also really hurt to tell him actions speak louder than words and I don't want to hear his explanations.
Its been 6 months. I am still not healed. I still love him. I'm still heartbroken. I still want to be with him, even though he's a complete, selfish trainwreck. I still think he will 'get better' for her. That she makes him happier. That he chose her over me. That I wasn't good enough. I can't get out of this endless cycle. Any words of wisdom, encouragement, please.
Anyways, since March, I went no contact and ignored most of his attempts. I refused him closure because he knows what he did. He stayed with the woman he cheated with and blocked me. He'd reach out to me, clearly on a bender to pick fights. Tell me how much more supportive she is. When that stopped working, he'd start reminiscing and sending me memories of us. He drunk called me twice, crying into the phone about screwing our relationship up, missing me and saying goodbye because he's gonna kill himself or saying he needs closure to move on.
I told his new girlfriend all of this. I just wanted to be left alone, and wanted someone to know about his suicidal threats. It stopped for 6 weeks then.
I got an email last weekend. He said he had so much he wanted to say and explain to me but couldn't over text. He admitted to lying to me, and said he is struggling for happiness. I told his girlfriend, who actually called in a wellbeing check on him because he was suicidal. I responded to his email with compassion but firmness. It killed me to tell him I never want to hear from him again. It also really hurt to tell him actions speak louder than words and I don't want to hear his explanations.
Its been 6 months. I am still not healed. I still love him. I'm still heartbroken. I still want to be with him, even though he's a complete, selfish trainwreck. I still think he will 'get better' for her. That she makes him happier. That he chose her over me. That I wasn't good enough. I can't get out of this endless cycle. Any words of wisdom, encouragement, please.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
It's ok that you still feel love for him, pain over losing him, hope for the future, and confusion over the jumbled mess of having so many conflicting feelings at once. Healing takes time, and everyone heals at their own pace. You did a brave thing to stand by your choices and tell him no when he reached out, even though it hurt. Finding the line to support someone you care about who is suicidal is a constant struggle, and a balancing act between knowing when to act and when to wait. Standing firm to your boundaries is difficult, but essential for healing for both of you.
Tbh, in your place I would strongly consider blocking him on all channels of communication. If you can maintain a cordial relationship with his gf, she could be your line of communication in an emergency, but even that I would be cautious of. It will be hard to heal and move forward if he keeps reaching out to open old wounds. Threats of suicide should always be taken seriously (and handled by professionals), but as you transition out of his life, you are not going to continue to be the appropriate person to respond to them. When you go for weeks of radio silence, followed by calls of tearful goodbyes, it is likely both a cry for help, and a manipulation on his part. The sad thing is those are often intertwined, even if not intentionally. In time he will need to learn healthy coping mechanisms and the tools for recovery to support himself. Of course building his own personal support network is important too, but that isn't your place. Focus on your own health and support network. Keep up with good habits and relationships that nourish you. Taking good care of your body is one of the first steps in taking good care of your mind.
My final note of wisdom is to point out your last paragraph, when you said you weren't good enough: bullsh*t. That line of thinking needs to be nipped in the bud. Being good enough is not a concept that applies to a relationship with an addict (or many aspects of life tbh.) Alcoholism is a horrible, brutal disease that tears apart everyone involved. You could do everything "right" (though there is no perfect, correct answer to anything), go to every meeting, every therapist, every trick in the book, and it wouldn't matter. You'll hear this mantra in here and many al anon meetings: you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. While you can do your best to make a healthy, happy environment for your relationships to flourish in, your partner has to choose to partake in them. This other girl may be a great person and possibly even a better fit for your ex, who knows? The distinction is irrelevant. Her fitness for the role has no bearing on yours. You decided this relationship was not the right fit for you, and stuck to your choice. He showed during your time together that he couldn't respect you or the boundaries of your relationship. His choice to drink and to cheat is completely unrelated to how good you are or your fitness as a partner. You had the respect for yourself to see the unhealthy situation for what it was, and leave it. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this. As time goes on your heart will heal, and you'll be able to see you did the best you could, and how worthy you are of your own self love.
Tbh, in your place I would strongly consider blocking him on all channels of communication. If you can maintain a cordial relationship with his gf, she could be your line of communication in an emergency, but even that I would be cautious of. It will be hard to heal and move forward if he keeps reaching out to open old wounds. Threats of suicide should always be taken seriously (and handled by professionals), but as you transition out of his life, you are not going to continue to be the appropriate person to respond to them. When you go for weeks of radio silence, followed by calls of tearful goodbyes, it is likely both a cry for help, and a manipulation on his part. The sad thing is those are often intertwined, even if not intentionally. In time he will need to learn healthy coping mechanisms and the tools for recovery to support himself. Of course building his own personal support network is important too, but that isn't your place. Focus on your own health and support network. Keep up with good habits and relationships that nourish you. Taking good care of your body is one of the first steps in taking good care of your mind.
My final note of wisdom is to point out your last paragraph, when you said you weren't good enough: bullsh*t. That line of thinking needs to be nipped in the bud. Being good enough is not a concept that applies to a relationship with an addict (or many aspects of life tbh.) Alcoholism is a horrible, brutal disease that tears apart everyone involved. You could do everything "right" (though there is no perfect, correct answer to anything), go to every meeting, every therapist, every trick in the book, and it wouldn't matter. You'll hear this mantra in here and many al anon meetings: you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. While you can do your best to make a healthy, happy environment for your relationships to flourish in, your partner has to choose to partake in them. This other girl may be a great person and possibly even a better fit for your ex, who knows? The distinction is irrelevant. Her fitness for the role has no bearing on yours. You decided this relationship was not the right fit for you, and stuck to your choice. He showed during your time together that he couldn't respect you or the boundaries of your relationship. His choice to drink and to cheat is completely unrelated to how good you are or your fitness as a partner. You had the respect for yourself to see the unhealthy situation for what it was, and leave it. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this. As time goes on your heart will heal, and you'll be able to see you did the best you could, and how worthy you are of your own self love.
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My personal view is the only way you can recover and move on from all this is to block him and the new gf. Every time you get involved in his drama, your healing is delayed. He keeps pulling you in as it suits him to do so. You are better than that.
I would encourage you to focus on yourself and building your self esteem and self care. All the best to you.
I would encourage you to focus on yourself and building your self esteem and self care. All the best to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Hi BG,
With a name like Batgirl you are diffidently good enough. Don't let his mind games and manipulation get to you. You did the right thing in informing someone of his suicidal thoughts, But that's it. Keep up the No Contact. He chose alcohol over you. I know those lines of "I never want to hear from you again" hurt to tell him that. You needed to tell him that. You need to think about your well being. You will get past this. There is unfortunately no time line to heal a broken heart. You just have to take it one day at a time and do the things that bring you joy. Keep being strong and keep coming back for support.
With a name like Batgirl you are diffidently good enough. Don't let his mind games and manipulation get to you. You did the right thing in informing someone of his suicidal thoughts, But that's it. Keep up the No Contact. He chose alcohol over you. I know those lines of "I never want to hear from you again" hurt to tell him that. You needed to tell him that. You need to think about your well being. You will get past this. There is unfortunately no time line to heal a broken heart. You just have to take it one day at a time and do the things that bring you joy. Keep being strong and keep coming back for support.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by Cookie314 
It's ok that you still feel love for him, pain over losing him, hope for the future, and confusion over the jumbled mess of having so many conflicting feelings at once. Healing takes time, and everyone heals at their own pace. You did a brave thing to stand by your choices and tell him no when he reached out, even though it hurt. Finding the line to support someone you care about who is suicidal is a constant struggle, and a balancing act between knowing when to act and when to wait. Standing firm to your boundaries is difficult, but essential for healing for both of you.
Tbh, in your place I would strongly consider blocking him on all channels of communication. If you can maintain a cordial relationship with his gf, she could be your line of communication in an emergency, but even that I would be cautious of. It will be hard to heal and move forward if he keeps reaching out to open old wounds. Threats of suicide should always be taken seriously (and handled by professionals), but as you transition out of his life, you are not going to continue to be the appropriate person to respond to them. When you go for weeks of radio silence, followed by calls of tearful goodbyes, it is likely both a cry for help, and a manipulation on his part. The sad thing is those are often intertwined, even if not intentionally. In time he will need to learn healthy coping mechanisms and the tools for recovery to support himself. Of course building his own personal support network is important too, but that isn't your place. Focus on your own health and support network. Keep up with good habits and relationships that nourish you. Taking good care of your body is one of the first steps in taking good care of your mind.
My final note of wisdom is to point out your last paragraph, when you said you weren't good enough: bullsh*t. That line of thinking needs to be nipped in the bud. Being good enough is not a concept that applies to a relationship with an addict (or many aspects of life tbh.) Alcoholism is a horrible, brutal disease that tears apart everyone involved. You could do everything "right" (though there is no perfect, correct answer to anything), go to every meeting, every therapist, every trick in the book, and it wouldn't matter. You'll hear this mantra in here and many al anon meetings: you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. While you can do your best to make a healthy, happy environment for your relationships to flourish in, your partner has to choose to partake in them. This other girl may be a great person and possibly even a better fit for your ex, who knows? The distinction is irrelevant. Her fitness for the role has no bearing on yours. You decided this relationship was not the right fit for you, and stuck to your choice. He showed during your time together that he couldn't respect you or the boundaries of your relationship. His choice to drink and to cheat is completely unrelated to how good you are or your fitness as a partner. You had the respect for yourself to see the unhealthy situation for what it was, and leave it. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this. As time goes on your heart will heal, and you'll be able to see you did the best you could, and how worthy you are of your own self love.
Tbh, in your place I would strongly consider blocking him on all channels of communication. If you can maintain a cordial relationship with his gf, she could be your line of communication in an emergency, but even that I would be cautious of. It will be hard to heal and move forward if he keeps reaching out to open old wounds. Threats of suicide should always be taken seriously (and handled by professionals), but as you transition out of his life, you are not going to continue to be the appropriate person to respond to them. When you go for weeks of radio silence, followed by calls of tearful goodbyes, it is likely both a cry for help, and a manipulation on his part. The sad thing is those are often intertwined, even if not intentionally. In time he will need to learn healthy coping mechanisms and the tools for recovery to support himself. Of course building his own personal support network is important too, but that isn't your place. Focus on your own health and support network. Keep up with good habits and relationships that nourish you. Taking good care of your body is one of the first steps in taking good care of your mind.
My final note of wisdom is to point out your last paragraph, when you said you weren't good enough: bullsh*t. That line of thinking needs to be nipped in the bud. Being good enough is not a concept that applies to a relationship with an addict (or many aspects of life tbh.) Alcoholism is a horrible, brutal disease that tears apart everyone involved. You could do everything "right" (though there is no perfect, correct answer to anything), go to every meeting, every therapist, every trick in the book, and it wouldn't matter. You'll hear this mantra in here and many al anon meetings: you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. While you can do your best to make a healthy, happy environment for your relationships to flourish in, your partner has to choose to partake in them. This other girl may be a great person and possibly even a better fit for your ex, who knows? The distinction is irrelevant. Her fitness for the role has no bearing on yours. You decided this relationship was not the right fit for you, and stuck to your choice. He showed during your time together that he couldn't respect you or the boundaries of your relationship. His choice to drink and to cheat is completely unrelated to how good you are or your fitness as a partner. You had the respect for yourself to see the unhealthy situation for what it was, and leave it. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this. As time goes on your heart will heal, and you'll be able to see you did the best you could, and how worthy you are of your own self love.
That is where i'm in such.. turmoil. Either he lied about everything he ever said, or wanted with me, or this is true. And why reach out to your ex if she's a better fit? He claims she's more supportive and doting than I was (he probably means enabling). Then why come upset my life? If she's the one he wants to be with, he should be leaving me alone, for both her sake and his. My competitive side is a bit spiked because how dare he. I know addicts don't use logic, but if she is where his happiness is, why return to the people who do the opposite then? He has her. He doesn't need me. It feels more cruel than anything else going on if thats the case. If i was with someone who I felt was a better fit, my ex would be the last person I'd contact for anything, especially support.
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Originally Posted by Batgirl273
Its been 6 months. I am still not healed. I still love him. I'm still heartbroken. I still want to be with him, even though he's a complete, selfish trainwreck. I still think he will 'get better' for her. That she makes him happier. That he chose her over me. That I wasn't good enough. I can't get out of this endless cycle. Any words of wisdom, encouragement, please.
I'm not sure why you would even entertain the thought that he will "get better" for her. There is exactly zero evidence pointing to that. He is still in active addiction and he is still a cheater. That's his problem, his problems - he needs to deal with that (or not), but it's no reflection on you or her.
What is it exactly that you miss about him, have you really considered that?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
He did go with her, but that has nothing to do with you personally. He really does sound like a trainwreck.
I'm not sure why you would even entertain the thought that he will "get better" for her. There is exactly zero evidence pointing to that. He is still in active addiction and he is still a cheater. That's his problem, his problems - he needs to deal with that (or not), but it's no reflection on you or her.
What is it exactly that you miss about him, have you really considered that?
I'm not sure why you would even entertain the thought that he will "get better" for her. There is exactly zero evidence pointing to that. He is still in active addiction and he is still a cheater. That's his problem, his problems - he needs to deal with that (or not), but it's no reflection on you or her.
What is it exactly that you miss about him, have you really considered that?
But i don't miss the lies. The let downs. The unreliability. The fighting. The emotional roller coaster. The long, apologetic texts but in person silent treatment. The moodiness. The suicide threats and drunken babble.
Its a battle between my self esteem needing to feel he actually did/does love me and it wasn't all a lie or act, versus my brain that says this wasn't healthy, it was never gonna work, and I had blinders on.
He is not showing anything that indicates he will be 'better' for her. You're right. Infact, he seems to have gotten worse since I left. He started to drink and talk suicide around early pandemic in 2020, and it really spiraled after we broke up last year, and again after this time. I encouraged and supported for 4 years. She's doing the same but if she was a motivating factor, he'd probably have done it by now. They've been together a year.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
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Originally Posted by Batgirl273
"This other girl may be a great person and possibly even a better fit for your ex, who knows?"
That is where i'm in such.. turmoil. Either he lied about everything he ever said, or wanted with me, or this is true. And why reach out to your ex if she's a better fit? He claims she's more supportive and doting than I was (he probably means enabling). Then why come upset my life? If she's the one he wants to be with, he should be leaving me alone, for both her sake and his. My competitive side is a bit spiked because how dare he. I know addicts don't use logic, but if she is where his happiness is, why return to the people who do the opposite then? He has her. He doesn't need me. It feels more cruel than anything else going on if thats the case. If i was with someone who I felt was a better fit, my ex would be the last person I'd contact for anything, especially support.
That is where i'm in such.. turmoil. Either he lied about everything he ever said, or wanted with me, or this is true. And why reach out to your ex if she's a better fit? He claims she's more supportive and doting than I was (he probably means enabling). Then why come upset my life? If she's the one he wants to be with, he should be leaving me alone, for both her sake and his. My competitive side is a bit spiked because how dare he. I know addicts don't use logic, but if she is where his happiness is, why return to the people who do the opposite then? He has her. He doesn't need me. It feels more cruel than anything else going on if thats the case. If i was with someone who I felt was a better fit, my ex would be the last person I'd contact for anything, especially support.
For the why, unfortunately addicts don't operate in the realm of logic or reason, like you stated. I think this relates to your own preconceptions though, and the false dichotomy I brought up earlier. You mentioned "if she's where his happiness is...", and I wanted to point out that wording. In a general sense, having a relationship does bring people happiness, but it is not the end all be all of happiness. Even if she makes him happy right now, that does not detract from the happiness you two experienced while together. I think addicts especially tend to lock onto those things that bring them happiness (or should i say dopamine) and struggle to let it go. He may be seeking you out because he's still hoping to get that feeling out of your interactions.
It may also be a fear of loss of control over you. It could be out of spite (this may well be a decent part, since calling an ex to tell them about how much better the current person is at various bs is a common manipulative tactic and d*ck move).
My point in all this is that his reasoning is almost certainly multi faceted, and there's no way for you to make sense of it all. You can probably use your knowledge of him from your time together to make decent guesses about his motivations, but there's no way to say what they are completely. Even he probably couldn't articulate them, regardless of honesty or not. Self introspection is difficult, and is a skill even more difficult for addicts.
I still believe your best bet is to block him completely, and stop trying to make sense of his chaos. I could sit here and make even more guesses about his thoughts and motivations, but that's all they would be. You will never know why he does what he does. Instead focus on taking care of yourself, and moving on from his toxicity.
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
For your first statement and question, I think you have a bit of a false dichotomy there. Perhaps part of the error was in my phrasing as well. People and their relationships are varied, and someone being a "better fit" doesn't make them a better fit in every way, for everything, or for all time. Your assertion that her being more supportive is due to enabling could also be accurate. My point though is that her being a better fit for him where he is right now does not mean that everything he said or felt was a lie. He may well have been lying about his thoughts and feelings (tbh with an addict lying is basically a key feature), but there's no way to know. He could have meant the things he said, while also meaning the things he says and thinks now. People change over time, and everyone has conflicting, hypocritical thoughts and feelings. As for your fit with him, it clearly wasn't good for you, since his actions caused you so much pain. You were right to leave.
For the why, unfortunately addicts don't operate in the realm of logic or reason, like you stated. I think this relates to your own preconceptions though, and the false dichotomy I brought up earlier. You mentioned "if she's where his happiness is...", and I wanted to point out that wording. In a general sense, having a relationship does bring people happiness, but it is not the end all be all of happiness. Even if she makes him happy right now, that does not detract from the happiness you two experienced while together. I think addicts especially tend to lock onto those things that bring them happiness (or should i say dopamine) and struggle to let it go. He may be seeking you out because he's still hoping to get that feeling out of your interactions.
It may also be a fear of loss of control over you. It could be out of spite (this may well be a decent part, since calling an ex to tell them about how much better the current person is at various bs is a common manipulative tactic and d*ck move).
My point in all this is that his reasoning is almost certainly multi faceted, and there's no way for you to make sense of it all. You can probably use your knowledge of him from your time together to make decent guesses about his motivations, but there's no way to say what they are completely. Even he probably couldn't articulate them, regardless of honesty or not. Self introspection is difficult, and is a skill even more difficult for addicts.
I still believe your best bet is to block him completely, and stop trying to make sense of his chaos. I could sit here and make even more guesses about his thoughts and motivations, but that's all they would be. You will never know why he does what he does. Instead focus on taking care of yourself, and moving on from his toxicity.
For the why, unfortunately addicts don't operate in the realm of logic or reason, like you stated. I think this relates to your own preconceptions though, and the false dichotomy I brought up earlier. You mentioned "if she's where his happiness is...", and I wanted to point out that wording. In a general sense, having a relationship does bring people happiness, but it is not the end all be all of happiness. Even if she makes him happy right now, that does not detract from the happiness you two experienced while together. I think addicts especially tend to lock onto those things that bring them happiness (or should i say dopamine) and struggle to let it go. He may be seeking you out because he's still hoping to get that feeling out of your interactions.
It may also be a fear of loss of control over you. It could be out of spite (this may well be a decent part, since calling an ex to tell them about how much better the current person is at various bs is a common manipulative tactic and d*ck move).
My point in all this is that his reasoning is almost certainly multi faceted, and there's no way for you to make sense of it all. You can probably use your knowledge of him from your time together to make decent guesses about his motivations, but there's no way to say what they are completely. Even he probably couldn't articulate them, regardless of honesty or not. Self introspection is difficult, and is a skill even more difficult for addicts.
I still believe your best bet is to block him completely, and stop trying to make sense of his chaos. I could sit here and make even more guesses about his thoughts and motivations, but that's all they would be. You will never know why he does what he does. Instead focus on taking care of yourself, and moving on from his toxicity.
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Well I think when you are in a relationship with someone with an addiction it can certainly seem like that. Alcoholism is progressive. The guy you knew 4 years ago, or even 2, is probably not the same guy he is now. He probably loved you to the best of his ability.
Also, you mentioned the glimpses of when he was "sober". Alcoholics, unless they quit for some longer period of time, are never really "sober" as in unaffected by alcohol. Alcohol changes the brain, that doesn't stop just because he stops for a day or a week.
Now the thing is, of course, if he was not an alcoholic he may be a salt of the earth, loving, wonderful guy. That is not who he is today, or who he was a year ago, or last month. He's drunk, he's erratic, he lies, he cheats, that is part of him too.
And while we may like to think of an alcoholic as putting down the drink for good and being "the way they were" or only that good person we got a glimpse of, that's not accurate either for a few reasons, as I see it it's mainly two. First, they are living this life of addiction, screwed up thinking, in his case, being a cheat and a liar, that has an effect on him too. Secondly, it wouldn't even be a matter of him just putting the beer down. He obviously has issues, those would need to be dealt with over time, perhaps a long time. Getting sober is not easy, he would have to be fully committed to it, doesn't seem like that's where he is.
Also, you mentioned the glimpses of when he was "sober". Alcoholics, unless they quit for some longer period of time, are never really "sober" as in unaffected by alcohol. Alcohol changes the brain, that doesn't stop just because he stops for a day or a week.
Now the thing is, of course, if he was not an alcoholic he may be a salt of the earth, loving, wonderful guy. That is not who he is today, or who he was a year ago, or last month. He's drunk, he's erratic, he lies, he cheats, that is part of him too.
And while we may like to think of an alcoholic as putting down the drink for good and being "the way they were" or only that good person we got a glimpse of, that's not accurate either for a few reasons, as I see it it's mainly two. First, they are living this life of addiction, screwed up thinking, in his case, being a cheat and a liar, that has an effect on him too. Secondly, it wouldn't even be a matter of him just putting the beer down. He obviously has issues, those would need to be dealt with over time, perhaps a long time. Getting sober is not easy, he would have to be fully committed to it, doesn't seem like that's where he is.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
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I remember the loss and pain I felt when in the rare relationship I'd had that did not involve addiction and codependency cycles, my XBF confessed that he'd been seeing someone else. There is of course pain to go with that loss, but it was necessary for me to learn that relationships do evolve and / or end, and that no matter how tightly you try to hold onto it, if the other person doesn't feel the same, it's time to let go.
The truth with addicts is fairly nebulous and morphs easily to fit their narrative at the time. Wouldn't it be easier and more comfortable for you to find and sit with your truth and what resonates for you? And it could be even as simple as you have outgrown him and his behaviors and are ready to level up to what is best for you.
There is a bit of a red flag in here -- it feels a bit "codie" to have the lines of communication with the new girlfriend. Understandably, you care that he doesn't harm himself, but wouldn't it be easier for you to focus on yourself and your side of the street if you were able to go no contact with both of them?
Originally Posted by Batgirl273
That is where i'm in such.. turmoil. Either he lied about everything he ever said, or wanted with me, or this is true.
Originally Posted by Batgirl273
And why reach out to your ex if she's a better fit? He claims she's more supportive and doting than I was (he probably means enabling). Then why come upset my life? If she's the one he wants to be with, he should be leaving me alone, for both her sake and his. My competitive side is a bit spiked because how dare he. I know addicts don't use logic, but if she is where his happiness is, why return to the people who do the opposite then? He has her. He doesn't need me. It feels more cruel than anything else going on if thats the case. If i was with someone who I felt was a better fit, my ex would be the last person I'd contact for anything, especially support.
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BatGirl, you mention you have "chemistry" with him. Yes you do. That is what keeps us codies hooked into the drinker like an addict to drugs. You are getting chemical highs and lows from interacting, obsessing etc about him.
The only way to move on is complete abstinence of him. Get off the chemical rollercoaster that he provides to your body.
It is just like quitting alcohol. You will have withdrawals, life will seem dull at first without the body chemicals crashing up and down. You will need to build a good, healthy new life without him. Also working a recovery program would be a wonderful help to stop you being attracted to another person with the same traits.
I have been through this process and can tell you life is so much better without all this exhausting behaviour. Take care.
The only way to move on is complete abstinence of him. Get off the chemical rollercoaster that he provides to your body.
It is just like quitting alcohol. You will have withdrawals, life will seem dull at first without the body chemicals crashing up and down. You will need to build a good, healthy new life without him. Also working a recovery program would be a wonderful help to stop you being attracted to another person with the same traits.
I have been through this process and can tell you life is so much better without all this exhausting behaviour. Take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 64
I looked up an XABF on social media to see what happened to him and his son. A few years after we broke up he married. This revelation gutted me at first. All of the years I spent loving him...all I did for him....all I tolerated--and he never wanted to marry me. I told myself it was true--a man that doesn't want to get married just doesn't want to marry you. I did some unhealthy online stalking of his wife (because he didn't really post but she did constantly). I saw happy pictures---and I saw that he was drunk in them (something most people probably wouldn't have seen). I saw everyday pictures where she was all smiles and he wasn't (he was sober). I saw why she was a great fit for him too---she is from another country and she happily follows him, doing what he wants to do, going where he wants to go--it's all a new and exciting adventure for her. She doesn't appear to mind that constant drink in his hand....yet. It didn't take long for me to lose that "What does she have that I didn't?" mentality and actually feel both relieved that I am not still in that mess (and it is the same mess) and a little sorry for her---I know what is coming and she doesn't. While I was in that relationship, we broke up 5 times (in 5 years) and every time we got back together it was because he reached out. I didn't see it then (then I thought he loved me) but of course he reached out! I was a great enabler, a great co-dependent, a greater fixer of things and cleaner of messes. It wasn't love that brought him back---it was his need to take and how easy I made that for him. Maybe that's what love looked like to him but it certainly isn't what it looks like to functional folks. So why if she's such a great partner would he reach out to you? Maybe he realizes that she doesn't really know what she's gotten into yet. Maybe he realizes that you gave more knowing all of that and he wants to use her to eliminate your protests of his drinking. Maybe he too has some really skewed idea of what love looks like. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if she is a better fit for him or not. It matters that you are out of that situation and he is trying to draw you back in. Close the door, lock it and put a chair in front of it.
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