righttheship

Long time, no post. But felt compelled since I really have no one to talk to about this stuff. So my STBEXH has been sober for two years, after attending a 30-day inpatient rehab program. He's not in any kind of program like AA, doesn't go to therapy, and basically says saying sober is easy for him. While I've seen many positive changes (like doing what he says he's going to do, actually showing up, etc.), it also seems like he's always at a simmering boil. Like, he could explode if anything goes wrong. As a result, I still feel like I have to walk around on eggshells, which is what I had to do when he was an active alcoholic. What I don't know is: is this just what is his personality is? Or, is he basically, after two years, still a dry drunk white knuckling it? Even after two years, I still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop (we have two little boys together so I have reason to be very concerned even if we're not together). Does that feeling ever go away?

sage1969

If he's not working an active recovery program, seems like he's constantly on the verge of exploding -- then he *is* on the verge of exploding. I wouldn't be so concerned as to what is his real personality, since what you see is what you get.

advbike

Yes, clearly you already understand that Abstinence does NOT = Recovery. Most alcoholics drank for a reason - for example, to relieve their anxiety, frustration and anger. Take away the booze and what do you have? Anxiety, frustration and anger. This is the best it will get unless he really works a program of recovery. It could be AA or a secular program, a spiritual undertaking like Buddhism, mindfulness training, etc. Maybe "All of the above".. haha.

trailmix

No. The feeling will never go away until he's not a threat to your children, since he's not in any kind of program to heal whatever is getting to him mentally.

Here is an example. I was married to a man (not an alcoholic) that hit me when he got really angry. At some point I finally said, that's enough, never hit me again (that's the story in a nutshell). I was married to him for quite some time after that. He had a horrible temper, we probably argued 3-4 times a week and I mean raised voices arguing. In all that time, even after he stopped hitting me, I knew there was a time, in that argument when I had to back off, that we had reached the point where he wouldn't be able to control his anger.

I could have carried on, of course and risked being hit again I didn't.

Your situation is no different really, you know he is boiling underneath the surface, for whatever reason and you know anything you do might trigger that (for no good reason really other than that he is boiling).

You can't fix this, he can if he wants to. In the meantime, you have an alcoholic who is forbidding himself to drink - oh joy. A dry drunk, that's never going away until he works on himself, gets help. This is as good as it's going to get. I'm sorry the kids probably still have to spend time with him, but not much you can do about that. I would ensure that they have counselling though, just to keep track of what's going on with them. How is he with them in general?

Eauchiche

Another member posted this on a thread I started, and I'm just passing it along:


'I am 11 years sober and as part of my program I have sponsees sometimes. You can spot a relapse building from a mile away. Also you can spot someone who has fallen off the wagon but who is lying about it. I had a sponsee drink about three days ago, I saw it in him about a week before. A sort of tension builds, he gave excuses not to use the usual techniques we would use to stop a relapse.

Always watch and feel gut reaction to behaviours not words. Words mean nothing in the world of addiction.

I have seen people use weed as a substitute for alcohol and claim they are sober......"

trailmix

Yes, this crossed my mind as well. Do you only see him when he is seeing the kids? If so maybe he abstains from drinking before he picks them up and while he is with them, so you would only ever see him in withdrawal.

SmallButMighty

I call this the "Caged Tiger Look"... my AXH was a tiger.. you could basically see him pacing back and forth behind bars with a haunting, hungry look in his eyes.. I always knew that meant we were about to go through another round of insanity, the both of us.

righttheship

Thank you for all the responses. I don't think he's drinking because he's consistent, does what he says he's going to do, and shows up when promised. All things he didn't do when drinking. And he's quite good with the kids. But I suspect that's largely because I've structured it so that he's more in the "fun uncle" role. I don't ask him to, and he does not handle, any of the stressful, nitty-gritty aspects of parenthood. He's good for a Saturday outing to the playground, apple-picking, things like that. I've structured it that way because (1) he's let me; (2) I don't know that he could handle the stress; and (3) I have real (and justified) trust issues.

I just would feel so much better if he was working a program of some kind. It would lessen that ever present fear that he's going to go back to drinking and that it'll impact my children. I know I didn't cause it and I can't control or cure it. But, damn it, that's so hard to accept when there's kids involved. I feel like someone here is going to say: "well, what program are you working?" And my answer is none. I had really wanted to start Al-Anon but then the pandemic it. Would Al-Anon help me to stop fixating on if/when he might relapse??

righttheship

Also, just wanted to add: Before my STBEX went to inpatient rehab, he was held in a mental hospital with alcohol-induced psychosis. Lots of threats to kill me, strangers, himself (by jumping off a building). And I'll never forget -- a counselor said to me: sometimes people jump while holding their children. And the thought of that, the image of that, is just burned in my brain. Just wanted to add that so maybe you understand why I'm so fixated on what he's doing.

dandylion

righttheship......my honest response to your concern is that I don't think, given the nature of the condition of alcoholism that you will ever be able to turn a blind eye to the possibility of relapse and those things that relapse can entail. You have already looked the "monster" of alcoholism in the eye and already know some of what can happen. I don't see how you can unsee what you have already seen. Can you? Do you think you can?
It is my understanding that alanon is to help you to deal with whatever is inside of you. I am not a practicing member so I am not the best person to give you a precise opinion about that.
I can say that you need all of the support you can get---for yourself. I know that you are faced with some of the hardest decisions about yourself and your children's welfare.
I don't see how anyone---anyone---can minimize how difficult these decision are. They can be lifechanging any direction you take it. This is why you need as much support as he should get.

I know that sometimes, the right decision is also the hardest one. I have seen enough of Life to know that much.

trailmix

Al Anon will help you to focus on yourself, rather than him, yes.

What I would do is document everything that has already happened (inpatient rehab and the mental hospital stay), also anything else, did you ever have to call the police or was he ever in trouble with them, thrown out of a bar, arrested for drunk and disorderly, that kind of thing. Also you may want to sit down and document anything you can think of. I just read over some of your posts - the no-contact order is another example.

Then you may want to go and have a consultation with a lawyer, take your documentation (or just your story initially) and tell him your concerns. Should your husband relapse, you may want to file for the custody division to be modified to, for instance, supervised visits only. Is there any possibility he could be required to submit blood alcohol levels?

I'm glad his reliability has improved, but I don't think that means he's not drinking. I also understand your fear, at the very least when he was drinking he wasn't in any way stable. I can't remember now if he had been sober a while when he cornered you in the parking lot and took your keys.

The bottom line? You can't control this any more than you could control his drinking. Your only recourse is law, so having all your documentation in order, should you need it, is perhaps your best bet.