I put me first
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 20
Turns out my intuition was right, AH decided he is going to have his paychecks deposited into a new separate account. He feels separation of household means separation of his money as well. I am supposed to continue to pay the bills and maintain the home that he is living in without his contribution. I do have access to the house when he's gone. The only reason I entertain this is it lets me wash clothes and I can keep the dog there and it's 25 mins closer to work so she isn't cooped up as long. I let the day get the best of me and I did react, and pretty much told him it was a dumb idea that a judge won't look favorably on this. I should have kept my mouth shut and just turned the info over to my lawyer. I could even see a little glee in his eyes that he had gotten under my skin. I hadn't fought with him in so long, like years, that he was desperate for a reaction. I got the chores done that I wanted to get done and left earlier than he wanted, the dust had settled and we were able to discuss the kids and plan for the house. His plan is going to take a lot longer than mine would, I'm trying to patient and not tell him how to do this but I feel like he is purposefully dragging his feet. So much of this is about perceived control and I have let him feel in control for our whole marriage to protect his ego, he's actually a very insecure man. I haven't been completely honest with all the reasons why our marriage failed because I don't think he can handle it and it just feels cruel. I know I don't owe him anything but I don't want to destroy him emotionally either. Although he has no issue making me out to be the bad guy and all of this just happened to him.
He says he still isn't drinking and feels "that issue" is resolved. He doesn't think I should use that as an excuse as to why our marriage failed since if I had just asked he could have quit anytime. I know he's telling the kids that he is fine and I blew everything out of proportion. I will look into literature for ACoA's, as well as find a therapist for my daughter. He isn't getting any kind of support other than talking to a friend, he hasn't told his family or any of our friends. I'm ok with not telling people yet but I would think he would want to be able to talk to his family for support. I guess I'm not all that surprised that he's dealing with it this way, it is the way it's always been, ignore the problem long enough and it usually goes away. The same old coping patterns are still there he just doesn't have the alcohol to soothe and/or distract temporarily. I'm glad I'm not around daily to be on the receiving end of his frustrations anymore.
Just in case I was wavering on my decision, I woke up with a migraine after our day together. My body does not like the stress created by the conflict, I hadn't had a migraine since I left. It's probably more a tension headache but either way it's a painful reminder that this is all for the good. The focus has to be on my health and healing for me. I have been able to decrease the dose of the maintenance medications by 75%, hopefully my contact with AH will start to become less frequent and I can feel confident to be off them completely.
He says he still isn't drinking and feels "that issue" is resolved. He doesn't think I should use that as an excuse as to why our marriage failed since if I had just asked he could have quit anytime. I know he's telling the kids that he is fine and I blew everything out of proportion. I will look into literature for ACoA's, as well as find a therapist for my daughter. He isn't getting any kind of support other than talking to a friend, he hasn't told his family or any of our friends. I'm ok with not telling people yet but I would think he would want to be able to talk to his family for support. I guess I'm not all that surprised that he's dealing with it this way, it is the way it's always been, ignore the problem long enough and it usually goes away. The same old coping patterns are still there he just doesn't have the alcohol to soothe and/or distract temporarily. I'm glad I'm not around daily to be on the receiving end of his frustrations anymore.
Just in case I was wavering on my decision, I woke up with a migraine after our day together. My body does not like the stress created by the conflict, I hadn't had a migraine since I left. It's probably more a tension headache but either way it's a painful reminder that this is all for the good. The focus has to be on my health and healing for me. I have been able to decrease the dose of the maintenance medications by 75%, hopefully my contact with AH will start to become less frequent and I can feel confident to be off them completely.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
GoldenDog....it sounds like you are still on the path of your best welfare. One doesn't need an "excuse" to stay in a marriage that is destructive for them and making them sick.
In actual reality, one is entitled to seek divorce whenever that is their desire----but, you have much more than that.
After I divorced the father of my three small children....I became more and more relaxed, inside, the longer that time passed.
If he is only talking to friend, and seeking no other form of help---it seems that he is just white knuckling, right now, White knuckling can only last for so long. I d think that it is his own decision as to who he tells about this, though. It does sound like he knows very little about alcoholism.
It is so important that YOU do know----because that knowledge will allow you to make the best decisions for your own welfare,
In actual reality, one is entitled to seek divorce whenever that is their desire----but, you have much more than that.
After I divorced the father of my three small children....I became more and more relaxed, inside, the longer that time passed.
If he is only talking to friend, and seeking no other form of help---it seems that he is just white knuckling, right now, White knuckling can only last for so long. I d think that it is his own decision as to who he tells about this, though. It does sound like he knows very little about alcoholism.
It is so important that YOU do know----because that knowledge will allow you to make the best decisions for your own welfare,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 20
He called yesterday to give me one last chance to change my mind before he signs paperwork at his lawyers office. I told him again that I am not changing my mind that I have to do whats best for me and my health. He doesn't believe it, he thinks it's the headaches are an excuse for something else. I told him again that I don't have feelings for him anymore. He says he hasn't changed since we met that he has always been "this way" (the drinking and other behaviors I pointed out to him during a previous conversation). I feel for him in a way because it is a new concept that he is struggling to understand but he isn't trying to understand, just trying to get his way which is life as he knew it.
The real eye opener is his statement about his drinking, he is now of the opinion that he doesn't have a drinking problem and doesn't need help that it just got out of control a few times. It sounds like he's back on his way to convincing himself he can moderate and we all know where that leads. Maybe he won't, time will tell but I just know and told him that it isn't a place I can be. (If I were a betting person it will last as long as it takes the divorce to be final so he can say he stayed sober just to spite me) It's frustrating having to repeat myself over and over again, but that was one of the things that made me realize I needed to leave, he has trouble remembering things now. It just used to be me, but I always have had a selective memory, if it isn't applicable to daily life, my job or super important it's got to go, I can't wastes valuable space in my brain on extra stuff.
I'm working on letting go of the money game, he knows it's a soft spot for me. Growing up my family had a few times when money became an issue and I am one that needs/wants financial stability. I'll be ok, it's just not going to go how I pictured it. I am also going to try to spend a lot less time talking to him, at this point I don't owe him anymore explanations or justifications. I want to limit our conversations to the bare minimum of what it takes to get through separation, whatever the kids need and getting through selling the house. The friendly conversation for a minute that turns into an interrogation of the last 20+ years of my approach to the marriage is not helping anyone. I need a good phrase for a response- we've been over this and I'm not talking about it anymore, might work.
But I really need to figure out a way to find friends, people I can hang out with and make plans with and have something to look forward to doing. My sisters are amazing but they are a couple hours away. The cabin is great but isolating and I tend to be a hermit so I know I am going to have to figure out a way to meet people. Normal people with varied interests and willing to welcome a new person. Obviously the bar isn't going to be a good fit for me right now, not really the scene I want to be in. How did you meet new people? I'm middle aged but I like people of all ages, but it is easier to relate to people in your general age group. My job doesn't lend itself towards meeting people, I'm in the medical field and it's not a good idea to socialize with your patients.
Still haven't met the post requirement to respond to private messages, I have read each one and value the information provided. Thank you.
The real eye opener is his statement about his drinking, he is now of the opinion that he doesn't have a drinking problem and doesn't need help that it just got out of control a few times. It sounds like he's back on his way to convincing himself he can moderate and we all know where that leads. Maybe he won't, time will tell but I just know and told him that it isn't a place I can be. (If I were a betting person it will last as long as it takes the divorce to be final so he can say he stayed sober just to spite me) It's frustrating having to repeat myself over and over again, but that was one of the things that made me realize I needed to leave, he has trouble remembering things now. It just used to be me, but I always have had a selective memory, if it isn't applicable to daily life, my job or super important it's got to go, I can't wastes valuable space in my brain on extra stuff.
I'm working on letting go of the money game, he knows it's a soft spot for me. Growing up my family had a few times when money became an issue and I am one that needs/wants financial stability. I'll be ok, it's just not going to go how I pictured it. I am also going to try to spend a lot less time talking to him, at this point I don't owe him anymore explanations or justifications. I want to limit our conversations to the bare minimum of what it takes to get through separation, whatever the kids need and getting through selling the house. The friendly conversation for a minute that turns into an interrogation of the last 20+ years of my approach to the marriage is not helping anyone. I need a good phrase for a response- we've been over this and I'm not talking about it anymore, might work.
But I really need to figure out a way to find friends, people I can hang out with and make plans with and have something to look forward to doing. My sisters are amazing but they are a couple hours away. The cabin is great but isolating and I tend to be a hermit so I know I am going to have to figure out a way to meet people. Normal people with varied interests and willing to welcome a new person. Obviously the bar isn't going to be a good fit for me right now, not really the scene I want to be in. How did you meet new people? I'm middle aged but I like people of all ages, but it is easier to relate to people in your general age group. My job doesn't lend itself towards meeting people, I'm in the medical field and it's not a good idea to socialize with your patients.
Still haven't met the post requirement to respond to private messages, I have read each one and value the information provided. Thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, repeating your stance over and over can be tiring! Just remember you never have to J.A.D.E. - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain yourself. "I don't want to talk about that" is also a good reply.
As for meeting people, for me, I joined meetup - it's an online group available all over the place where you have groups of people who have interests in common that get together. It's very laid back, say you like hiking, you can join a group that meets up for that, or coffee meetings, dinners, live music, running, travelling - all kinds of things. The best part is it's not a formal thing so if you decide you don't want to hike on Saturday, you just don't sign up! They also have groups for age groups - say 40s-50s meet ups, that do all kinds of things.
Anyway, I found it fun. I don't really go anymore but I met some really nice people. It's probably mostly in main centers, not sure if you normally live in a city or large town.
Short of that, what do you like to do? For instance if it's pottery, perhaps take a class, or cooking or volunteering at the animal shelter.
As for meeting people, for me, I joined meetup - it's an online group available all over the place where you have groups of people who have interests in common that get together. It's very laid back, say you like hiking, you can join a group that meets up for that, or coffee meetings, dinners, live music, running, travelling - all kinds of things. The best part is it's not a formal thing so if you decide you don't want to hike on Saturday, you just don't sign up! They also have groups for age groups - say 40s-50s meet ups, that do all kinds of things.
Anyway, I found it fun. I don't really go anymore but I met some really nice people. It's probably mostly in main centers, not sure if you normally live in a city or large town.
Short of that, what do you like to do? For instance if it's pottery, perhaps take a class, or cooking or volunteering at the animal shelter.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
GoldenDog,
Well done on sticking to your decisions and putting your own health and peace of mind first where it should be!
I like your phrasing, "we've been over this and I'm not talking about it anymore." I've found that when someone starts their repetitive baloney with me I've said things with a total lack of interest in my voice like, "Well we disagree then. I'm not interested in debate or argument so let's just stick to what we came here for in this moment." And then divide the books, sweep the garage, whatever!!
My middle A brother is a master manipulator of this sort, always trying to start an argument and score points to make himself feel better I suppose. I've been sucked in many times. The more I just put up a STOP sign, right away, the less he attempts to bait me. What the hell do I care? LOL. He can have all the points! OK? You win Bro! Here's your gold medal! Guess what? Doesn't change my behavior, or my free choices. But yeah, take your points and your trophy and have a nice day. It's ridiculous but an expected aspect of the Alcoholic personality. They need to argue and deflect. Like the fact that your AH keeps telling you his "belief" that your medical issues are unrelated to stress, a lot of which he caused. OK well la-tee-da Dr. Know it All. Good for you that you are suddenly a medical expert on my body & health. Sheeeesh.
They have no understanding, unless they truly work a sober recovery program, how much insane stress they cause loved ones and the family.
I made some new friends right before the pandemic when I took a knitting class. I started with a one-on-one teacher in a craft store and she introduced me to this group of knitters who would have drop in sessions in coffee houses, the park, and at the craft store. A wonderfully eclectic group of women of every age and background. Fun! And now I knit pretty well, enough to really enjoy myself and make mittens and blankets and hats.
Peace,
B.
Well done on sticking to your decisions and putting your own health and peace of mind first where it should be!
I like your phrasing, "we've been over this and I'm not talking about it anymore." I've found that when someone starts their repetitive baloney with me I've said things with a total lack of interest in my voice like, "Well we disagree then. I'm not interested in debate or argument so let's just stick to what we came here for in this moment." And then divide the books, sweep the garage, whatever!!
My middle A brother is a master manipulator of this sort, always trying to start an argument and score points to make himself feel better I suppose. I've been sucked in many times. The more I just put up a STOP sign, right away, the less he attempts to bait me. What the hell do I care? LOL. He can have all the points! OK? You win Bro! Here's your gold medal! Guess what? Doesn't change my behavior, or my free choices. But yeah, take your points and your trophy and have a nice day. It's ridiculous but an expected aspect of the Alcoholic personality. They need to argue and deflect. Like the fact that your AH keeps telling you his "belief" that your medical issues are unrelated to stress, a lot of which he caused. OK well la-tee-da Dr. Know it All. Good for you that you are suddenly a medical expert on my body & health. Sheeeesh.
They have no understanding, unless they truly work a sober recovery program, how much insane stress they cause loved ones and the family.
I made some new friends right before the pandemic when I took a knitting class. I started with a one-on-one teacher in a craft store and she introduced me to this group of knitters who would have drop in sessions in coffee houses, the park, and at the craft store. A wonderfully eclectic group of women of every age and background. Fun! And now I knit pretty well, enough to really enjoy myself and make mittens and blankets and hats.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 142
Not my circus, but looking in from the outside I am wondering if you could actually separate and interact with him as little as possible. Make sure your lawyer is on the ball and maybe hire someone to do those chores at the house you are not living in so it is ready to sell but you don't have to spend time as a hostage to the soon to be ex. It would be worth it for your well-being. Just my 2 cents, of course. I wish you well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 20
You read my mind dbyrer, I am going to have to limit conversations with the kids to just about them. AH seems to be telling them many more details than I think they need to know and after talking to DD, I am just frustrated and upset at how he is influencing her. I can't/won't stoop to his level and manipulate her feelings to make myself look better. So I will just ask politely that we keep our conversations about their lives and what they are doing. As for the home and selling it, I think I will be able to distance myself from him as soon as he realizes it doesn't get the desired response. I hope to have my new job with new salary in October so that will allow me to feel less dependent. The mind games are in full swing and I'm not good at them. It's been so long since I have even been around anyone that plays mind games that I forgot how exhausting it is to have to examine everything and nothing for something. I may be doing some of it to myself, who knows. I'm just going to work towards my inner peace and being the person I am and let the cards fall where they may. Don't get me wrong I'm not taking a passive approach but I am not going to obsess over every detail and try to analyze everything for an ulterior motive. I can't control the AH, the kids or the situation. Words of encouragement and insight are always welcome and appreciated. I think I need to learn meditation, I have considered it for years but never acted on it.
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