PeacefulWater12

So about 6 months since AH passed. My goodness, what a different life I have now. I had not realised the utterly crippling anxiety of being around a drinker. Being on edge all the time, body in "fight or flight" state all the time. It was so exhausting. Physically and mentally.

My body still healing from the utter bashing it has had for all those years. Still dealing with physical pain as my joints unlock, as my body tension goes and I am left with deep soreness from it being held in that un-natural position of tension for so long.

Been using top quality self care, healthy food, plenty of fluids, Yoga, Pilates, walking, anxiety release techniques. My nervous system feel burnt and very sore.

I have never lived on my own before. I absolutely love it. Being a (recovering) codie, I always "needed" a partner before. Or thought I did. Living on my own is an enormous pleasure, so satisfying. Looking after myself fills my heart. I am making a nice life for myself.

Late AH was a "coercive controller". He did not shout or yell or swear or openly insult me. It was all sly and not open but it was there. It was only after he died that I discovered the name for what I was living in. He was just a small man, physically weak through his long term heart disease.

It helped me to be able to put a name to it. To see reality. I think as a codie, we live in just as much denial as drinkers do.

I am rediscovering myself, a joyous process. Discovering "normal" people. I had attracted narcs into my life before. The covert type. I don't attract them anymore. I see them. I am repelled by them as they are repelled by me. My energy does not attract sick people now. My energy attracts well people.

My world is getting bigger each day. My mind reopens. Living with AH, my world had become tiny. Not that he ever told me not to do things but being in that toxic environment, you just don't do stuff. Too exhausted and it all feels too big and overwhelming.

My old codie friends have melted away. I stopped feeding them what they wanted to hear so they have moved onto someone else who will. I have found lots of things just fade and leave once I stopped my own toxic behaviours.

I work on myself a little everyday and I love it. Using all the amazing resources out there for us now. We are so blessed to have all these things freely available to us.

Eauchiche

Thank You for this, peaceful water!!!
Makes the heart glad to see the fruits of a good recovery program. I am enjoying this too.

Free2bme888

Wonderful post. Thank you.


i needed this today….

So glad you are doing well, healing, actively healing and liking it.

sage1969

It is so good to hear how well you are living! I'm only a few months into the journey you're on, some days it all flows and some days are so hard. It is something to look forward for, to know every day can be good. Thank you for sharing this with us!

FallenAngelina

I love this.

PeacefulWater12

Thanks so much for your supportive posts, Eauchiche, Free2BeMe, Sage & Fallen Angelina.

I was inspired to post my positive update by a positive post a day or two ago and I found it a real breath of fresh air and an uplift. Sadly there is so suffering and pain on here, I thought I would like to add some positivity too. To share some hope.

We can recover, we can build good lives.

As well as writing this with my codie hat on, I am writing it with my drinker (about 11 years sober) hat on. Both alcoholics and codies can recover. Takes a lot of work but it is possible.

OKRunner

"We can build good lives." Yes we can and your post reminds me of that. We can.

PeacefulWater12

I am starting to see so many things available to me that were there all the time but I just couldn't see them.

Fun, happy things. Life gets so serious as a codie. Everything seems to be so gloomy and hard work. "Tiring" to use the very accurate comment in the post by Lynn. Everything is so tiny and dark.

Also I can enjoy my money now, money was a very tense subject when AH was here. He had plenty but was always always working an angle to get more. His buzz was to get me to pay for stuff for him from "my" money even though he had lots himself. Always chasing the high! The buzz of manipulation.

I have read that for an alcoholic, the drink that tastes the best is the one that someone else has paid for!

We both had income which initially we pooled together like "normal" couples but after some years of marriage I realised this was very unwise. So I separated it out. Paid the bills jointly but other income was kept separate. Which is just as well as he would have spent the lot!! I would not be financially comfortable now.

So, I can relax and enjoy my money. I am currently updating my wardrobe. Very enjoyable.

advbike

Great job Peaceful, really impressive work on yourself and in the pursuit of happiness and joy. Amazing about the impacts of stress on physical health and so glad you have been able to release that tension. Some lovely approaches to that! As well I really admire the way you handled finances. I too, pay myself first, or I would lose everything.

"Life gets so serious as a codie." Isn't that the truth. I am so serious now, after a couple of decades of co-dependent relationships. Three in a row, plus family. I used to laugh constantly, now I just worry about others. But I'm also much more serious about figuring all of this out now. I'm done.

Thank you for your post, nice to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

sage1969

I remember what finances were like when I was married to AH . . . there should have been enough money but there never was, even with two salaries. I remember how hard it was those days, keeping all my financial records on my computer and in my office at work, paying all my bills with cash so I wouldn't be risking overdrafts if he decided to pull all the money from the bank, buying prepaid cards to keep for gas and groceries . . . all of my savings and retirement was used up in that lifetime.

I have managed to find peace and fulfilment in living much more simply these days. We have what we need. It looks very different from before, and I welcome the simplicity, and the blessing of knowing what to expect each day. There is a peace knowing that I don't have to jump back into a corporate job, that we can live in a better way with what I bring in now.

PeacefulWater12

Good morning AdvBike & Sage, thank you for your posts. Alcohol abusers and money are like asking a two year to run a budget! Is never going to end well.

Beautiful sunny morning here. Cold and crisp though, Autumn is coming. Off out shortly for nice walk.

Gosh, yes being a codie is very serious job. Carrying the weight of the world (or just carrying the weight of "our" alkie) is exhausting. Trying to micromanage them and their insanity whilst ignoring our own insanity!! Very dark and gloomy in the half light hard work.

Oh boy, the looooooooooooonnng deep conversations with AH about his drinking. He loved to talk in depth about his quitting plans. I see now that was in support of his own denial system. To make him feel more comfortable about his drinking I would sit there earnestly listening thinking I was helping. No, actually I was enabling. Words without actions is just b/s!

I say all of this with little smile. What an absolutely waste of time!

Today I am in the light. Enjoying a simple life. So much better. Fixing no one! I am surprised to say all my old interests are flooding back plus new ones arriving. I have gone from having nothing to do, to a lovely full day. Interests I had completely forgotten about, things I am good at and enjoy.

I was so tied up with AH I had just forgotten it all.

Have a good day all.