I am not sure what to do now?
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Join Date: Aug 2021
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I am not sure what to do now?
Hi
This is my first message here and I am quite nervous but also bewildered that I am here. I have been with my partner for 10 years and I have two older children from my first marriage. I am at a loss what to do with my partner who I think is a binge drinker. Ever since I met him I was aware he had an issue with drink, namely that he was really bad at it and got drunk very quickly, slurring his words, stumbling around etc. I kind of just accepted it as him, I was totally in love with him and these occasions were few and far between. As time has gone on and our social groups have merged this happens more frequently, perhaps 3 or 4 times a month - in reality it is every time we socialise. I simply dread going out with him and our friends. I feel embarrassed by his behaviour and angry at how it affects us by the end of the night.
A few weeks ago when I could see he was on the brink of having too much I suggested we left our friends and walk home. We had already been out for about 5 hours and so I was far from being a kill joy. He refused and became quite annoyed at me. By the time he decided he'd had enough an hour later he was totally inebriated. During our walk home he was struggling to walk I had to help him, he just stopped and had a wee in the middle of the path and then in the middle of the night he wet the bed and got into the spare bed, leaving me to deal with it all. He was ashamed, sorry, regretful, will never happen again etc etc - it happened again two weeks later. It keeps happening. I left him at a friend's dad's wake - he was drunk when I collected him, his excuse being he had to support his friend, and that included drinking as much as him it seems. His friend left the wake at least 2 hours earlier but he stayed on for hours despite having work the next day.
We went out this weekend - he swore he would try and take it easy so we could enjoy ourselves together - the next day all his friends were slapping him on the back saying how "well oiled" he was - it's just a laugh to those who don't have to clean up after him. They don't have to stop him walking into people, translate his drunken speech or lay next to him all night worrying he might fall over drunk or walk into the kids rooms by mistake. He woke me up at 2am to ask why I was in the spare room, so I was then awake all night. He slept fully clothed, having weed all over the bathroom floor and fell into a wall knocking a picture off and breaking it - he just left it where he fell. I am mortified in case my kids see him wandering around the house in the middle of the night in a state of nakedness as he gets confused about where he is.
Quite simply, he cannot go out and have a drink and just have a few. Each time it is to the point of total unconsciousness. As time goes on I am losing more and more respect for him and I no longer trust him. He is the kindest, most caring and loving person I have ever been with when he is sober. I do not want a relationship with the drunk side of him. I now dread nights out with him, I feel stressed about them and make excuses not to go. To everyone else he is inoffensive and funny as he is slurring his words, but they don't have to take him home. I know he wet the bed this weekend because he washed the sheets and his clothes, but he will not admit that to me. In his eyes I am a nag, he has always had a drink, it's a laugh and I am making him stressed. Today I have all the recriminations from him, the regret, promises to change before he loses everything - but I think the reality is that he can't? Me pleading for him to change won't work if he doesn't think he has a problem. I feel heartbroken that I am having to really consider whether I can stay with a man who 25 nights a month is brilliant but who I can't stand to be near the other times. We are supposed to be getting married and I cannot even contemplate that now. I feel I have no hope. I have tried to help but if he doesn't honestly think he has a problem that help is pointless isn't it? Emotionally I am exhausted.
This is my first message here and I am quite nervous but also bewildered that I am here. I have been with my partner for 10 years and I have two older children from my first marriage. I am at a loss what to do with my partner who I think is a binge drinker. Ever since I met him I was aware he had an issue with drink, namely that he was really bad at it and got drunk very quickly, slurring his words, stumbling around etc. I kind of just accepted it as him, I was totally in love with him and these occasions were few and far between. As time has gone on and our social groups have merged this happens more frequently, perhaps 3 or 4 times a month - in reality it is every time we socialise. I simply dread going out with him and our friends. I feel embarrassed by his behaviour and angry at how it affects us by the end of the night.
A few weeks ago when I could see he was on the brink of having too much I suggested we left our friends and walk home. We had already been out for about 5 hours and so I was far from being a kill joy. He refused and became quite annoyed at me. By the time he decided he'd had enough an hour later he was totally inebriated. During our walk home he was struggling to walk I had to help him, he just stopped and had a wee in the middle of the path and then in the middle of the night he wet the bed and got into the spare bed, leaving me to deal with it all. He was ashamed, sorry, regretful, will never happen again etc etc - it happened again two weeks later. It keeps happening. I left him at a friend's dad's wake - he was drunk when I collected him, his excuse being he had to support his friend, and that included drinking as much as him it seems. His friend left the wake at least 2 hours earlier but he stayed on for hours despite having work the next day.
We went out this weekend - he swore he would try and take it easy so we could enjoy ourselves together - the next day all his friends were slapping him on the back saying how "well oiled" he was - it's just a laugh to those who don't have to clean up after him. They don't have to stop him walking into people, translate his drunken speech or lay next to him all night worrying he might fall over drunk or walk into the kids rooms by mistake. He woke me up at 2am to ask why I was in the spare room, so I was then awake all night. He slept fully clothed, having weed all over the bathroom floor and fell into a wall knocking a picture off and breaking it - he just left it where he fell. I am mortified in case my kids see him wandering around the house in the middle of the night in a state of nakedness as he gets confused about where he is.
Quite simply, he cannot go out and have a drink and just have a few. Each time it is to the point of total unconsciousness. As time goes on I am losing more and more respect for him and I no longer trust him. He is the kindest, most caring and loving person I have ever been with when he is sober. I do not want a relationship with the drunk side of him. I now dread nights out with him, I feel stressed about them and make excuses not to go. To everyone else he is inoffensive and funny as he is slurring his words, but they don't have to take him home. I know he wet the bed this weekend because he washed the sheets and his clothes, but he will not admit that to me. In his eyes I am a nag, he has always had a drink, it's a laugh and I am making him stressed. Today I have all the recriminations from him, the regret, promises to change before he loses everything - but I think the reality is that he can't? Me pleading for him to change won't work if he doesn't think he has a problem. I feel heartbroken that I am having to really consider whether I can stay with a man who 25 nights a month is brilliant but who I can't stand to be near the other times. We are supposed to be getting married and I cannot even contemplate that now. I feel I have no hope. I have tried to help but if he doesn't honestly think he has a problem that help is pointless isn't it? Emotionally I am exhausted.
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It's no wonder you are exhausted with dealing with this, not just emotionally but physically, too.
Friend, I am very glad you found us, though I am deeply sorry for the reason you had to come looking.
It seems to me that your instincts are spot on on every count, from putting the wedding on hold to your inherent understanding that until HE decides his drinking is a problem, you will continue to live in this cycle of Binge-Regret-Respite, and your own resentment of his inability to see what is right in front of him will continue to grow, as well as your resentment that he is either unwilling or incapable of taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions, like cleaning up after himself or acknowledging that his behavior is disrespectful, hurtful, and abusive to you.
There is, unfortunately, nothing you can do or say to make him "see the light", as it were--there are a lot of us here who spent many years of our lives trying to crack that code before we came to accept that we were powerless over someone else's behavior. Even if he did acknowledge the problem, no amount of your pleading will convince him to do anything about it. He's going to have to save himself. In the same vein, you are going to have to save yourself, too. You can do this by building strong boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate in your life, develop strategies for maintaining those boundaries, and find a lot of support for both of those things, as well as letting go of enabling him to continue on consequence-free, here from people who really understand.
I know you feel conflicted, loving the sober him but not wanting a relationship with the drunk him. Unfortunately, there aren't two of him. He is the same man when he drinks and when sober, does not take accountability for what he has done drunk. It's a package deal, and you are on the precipice of deciding what kind of life you want to live.
Friend, I am very glad you found us, though I am deeply sorry for the reason you had to come looking.
It seems to me that your instincts are spot on on every count, from putting the wedding on hold to your inherent understanding that until HE decides his drinking is a problem, you will continue to live in this cycle of Binge-Regret-Respite, and your own resentment of his inability to see what is right in front of him will continue to grow, as well as your resentment that he is either unwilling or incapable of taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions, like cleaning up after himself or acknowledging that his behavior is disrespectful, hurtful, and abusive to you.
There is, unfortunately, nothing you can do or say to make him "see the light", as it were--there are a lot of us here who spent many years of our lives trying to crack that code before we came to accept that we were powerless over someone else's behavior. Even if he did acknowledge the problem, no amount of your pleading will convince him to do anything about it. He's going to have to save himself. In the same vein, you are going to have to save yourself, too. You can do this by building strong boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate in your life, develop strategies for maintaining those boundaries, and find a lot of support for both of those things, as well as letting go of enabling him to continue on consequence-free, here from people who really understand.
I know you feel conflicted, loving the sober him but not wanting a relationship with the drunk him. Unfortunately, there aren't two of him. He is the same man when he drinks and when sober, does not take accountability for what he has done drunk. It's a package deal, and you are on the precipice of deciding what kind of life you want to live.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Welcome Rebecca. I'm sorry you are in this position, but I'm glad to see you reaching out for help. Your story is something nearly all of us have experienced to one extent or another. Loving an addict is utterly exhausting, and coming to terms with their addiction in your own heart is challenging. It feels like losing the person you love, even though they're still standing in front of you. You tell yourself they would never do something, treat you a certain way, or lie to you; then when they do you're left trying to rationalize what has happened. It's why so many of us refer to our relationship with an addict as "being on the roller coaster." Those times of peace and normality are always punctuated with pain and chaos.
Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do for your partner directly. True recovery must come from the addict's own drive, dedication, and introspection. While you can help with creating a loving environment at home, that change must come from within themselves. I wouldn't say that help is pointless for him, but I would say it isn't your place to force help upon him. He must choose that for himself. If he is not ready for that change, you cannot make it for him.
There are things you can do though. Joining support networks like this is a great start. Researching other support systems like alanon, smart recovery (smart is targeted at the addicts themselves, but I think they have family support groups as well for people who want secular treatment), and taking care of your own health first are also helpful. In addition, learn about healthy boundaries, and give serious thoughts to what your limits are. A boundary isn't a rule to control his actions, but a line in the sand you create that will cause you to respond a certain way when it is crossed. The difference is that a boundary only controls how you respond.
For example, you mention that you're ashamed to go to parties with him, because he is so drunk and obnoxious. So a healthy boundary is "I will walk to this party, and leave by 9. If you are not ready to go with me, then I will walk home myself, and you will have to find your own way home." You aren't his guardian or his chauffeur. Have fun at your party with your friends, then leave when you are done. If he wants to stay and drink and make an a** of himself, he's free to do so. You aren't required to stay and pick up the pieces.
Another example could be dinner time with your kids. "We're having family dinner together at 6. You're welcome to join us. If you miss it you'll feed yourself." You aren't telling him when to eat or trying to control him. You are eating at a particular time. If he wants to join you and your children, he can. If he doesn't, that's his choice. You do not need to throw your schedule into chaos to suit him.
Leaving really hurts. It hurts to consider, it hurts to do, and it hurts to recover from. You mention you want to get married, but now don't feel you can. Listen to that voice. Don't think of how nice life would be together if he only just recovered. He might, but that's not how he is now. Instead envision how life would be if he never changed. How would it feel to stay together with him as he is now? You can't build your relationship on the hopes that he will get better; only in the reality of how he is in the present.
Approaching leaving sucks. There's no perfect way to have that discussion, and no way to know how he will respond. If you aren't ready to leave yet, that's OK too, but you need to be honest and fair with yourself about your limits. What lines could he cross that would be unacceptable? Are you willing to stay if there's the chance he'll cross them? You may not know right now what those limits are, but I can say from experience that once they are crossed, you will. The best you can do for both of you is to take care of yourself. Put your own oxygen mask on first, and take care of your physical, emotional, and mental health. If he wants to partake in being healthy, wonderful. If not, then he has no right to take that health from you as well.
Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do for your partner directly. True recovery must come from the addict's own drive, dedication, and introspection. While you can help with creating a loving environment at home, that change must come from within themselves. I wouldn't say that help is pointless for him, but I would say it isn't your place to force help upon him. He must choose that for himself. If he is not ready for that change, you cannot make it for him.
There are things you can do though. Joining support networks like this is a great start. Researching other support systems like alanon, smart recovery (smart is targeted at the addicts themselves, but I think they have family support groups as well for people who want secular treatment), and taking care of your own health first are also helpful. In addition, learn about healthy boundaries, and give serious thoughts to what your limits are. A boundary isn't a rule to control his actions, but a line in the sand you create that will cause you to respond a certain way when it is crossed. The difference is that a boundary only controls how you respond.
For example, you mention that you're ashamed to go to parties with him, because he is so drunk and obnoxious. So a healthy boundary is "I will walk to this party, and leave by 9. If you are not ready to go with me, then I will walk home myself, and you will have to find your own way home." You aren't his guardian or his chauffeur. Have fun at your party with your friends, then leave when you are done. If he wants to stay and drink and make an a** of himself, he's free to do so. You aren't required to stay and pick up the pieces.
Another example could be dinner time with your kids. "We're having family dinner together at 6. You're welcome to join us. If you miss it you'll feed yourself." You aren't telling him when to eat or trying to control him. You are eating at a particular time. If he wants to join you and your children, he can. If he doesn't, that's his choice. You do not need to throw your schedule into chaos to suit him.
Leaving really hurts. It hurts to consider, it hurts to do, and it hurts to recover from. You mention you want to get married, but now don't feel you can. Listen to that voice. Don't think of how nice life would be together if he only just recovered. He might, but that's not how he is now. Instead envision how life would be if he never changed. How would it feel to stay together with him as he is now? You can't build your relationship on the hopes that he will get better; only in the reality of how he is in the present.
Approaching leaving sucks. There's no perfect way to have that discussion, and no way to know how he will respond. If you aren't ready to leave yet, that's OK too, but you need to be honest and fair with yourself about your limits. What lines could he cross that would be unacceptable? Are you willing to stay if there's the chance he'll cross them? You may not know right now what those limits are, but I can say from experience that once they are crossed, you will. The best you can do for both of you is to take care of yourself. Put your own oxygen mask on first, and take care of your physical, emotional, and mental health. If he wants to partake in being healthy, wonderful. If not, then he has no right to take that health from you as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
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Thank you for so much for your quick replies and I feel so much better just that someone else understands. I am so used to being laughed at by friends who think I'm over reacting or him saying he doesn't know what the problem is. Your words are all so close to how I feel. I never envisaged being in a situation like this. I love him but I am utterly exhausted by it all. Thank you xx
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Rebecca......one way to look at it is-----what would you do if you knew that this is as good as it is going to get? A key feature of alcoholism is that it is progressive----meaning that it gets worse over time. The only way to change that is for him to remain completely---completely---abstainent for the rest of his life.
One drink causes the alcoholic to want one hundred more.
Another big consideration for you is that you have what I imagine are teenagers.? from your first marriage. Whether you realize it or not---they are very much affected by living in an alcoholic home---effects that will show up in their own adult lives. As a mother, I can imagine that must weigh heavily on your mind.
From experience, I can tell you that anything that is an issue before marriage---you can multiply that X 100 after marriage! Oh, please don't go looking for more trouble.
I would like to make mention, to you, of one very big Red Flag that I noticed in your post. It is about the attitude and drinking habits of his close buddies and associates, His peer group is a powerful force---even though he would still be an alcoholic without them----it is enormously enabling and reinforcing for him. In the final analysis---more powerful than you are. You have already seen that demonstrated.
I hope you will read all of the articles in the "Classic Reading" section in the Stickies (just above the main threads.
Also---go the the last forum on the Soberrecovery website---called ::"The Best of Sober Recovery:", Read those great educational articles.
If you haven't already read "Co-dependent No More"...I suggest that you do so at this time. It is the most highly recommended book on this forum.
jKnowledge is power. There is sooo much to learn.
You may, indeed,have to face the short term pain---for the long term Gain.
One drink causes the alcoholic to want one hundred more.
Another big consideration for you is that you have what I imagine are teenagers.? from your first marriage. Whether you realize it or not---they are very much affected by living in an alcoholic home---effects that will show up in their own adult lives. As a mother, I can imagine that must weigh heavily on your mind.
From experience, I can tell you that anything that is an issue before marriage---you can multiply that X 100 after marriage! Oh, please don't go looking for more trouble.
I would like to make mention, to you, of one very big Red Flag that I noticed in your post. It is about the attitude and drinking habits of his close buddies and associates, His peer group is a powerful force---even though he would still be an alcoholic without them----it is enormously enabling and reinforcing for him. In the final analysis---more powerful than you are. You have already seen that demonstrated.
I hope you will read all of the articles in the "Classic Reading" section in the Stickies (just above the main threads.
Also---go the the last forum on the Soberrecovery website---called ::"The Best of Sober Recovery:", Read those great educational articles.
If you haven't already read "Co-dependent No More"...I suggest that you do so at this time. It is the most highly recommended book on this forum.
jKnowledge is power. There is sooo much to learn.
You may, indeed,have to face the short term pain---for the long term Gain.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I also agree with dandylion's emphasis on the point of his friend group. The people he chooses to surround himself with is very telling.
Before things reached a head with my AH and he had his stand off with the police, he went to stay with his sister and her husband for a night. They took him in, made sure he didn't have anything to drink, gave him a safe place, and had a difficult but heart felt conversation with him the next morning. He went home later that same morning, and continued drinking until he passed out that night. When I told him the day after I could no longer handle things and wanted to separate, he left again, but to stay with his mom and brother instead of his sister. They gave him what he wanted: support to drink. They drank with him, and convinced him that "cutting his consumption by half" every day was a better way to stop drinking while avoiding withdrawal. The fact that his withdrawals are serious medical events that had been getting progressively worse didn't matter. He saw a way to "avoid" the withdrawal while still getting what he really wanted: support to drink.
You'll hear the three C's on here a lot: you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. You can be the most loving, healthy, supportive partner in the world, and he could still choose to drink over you. It is a betrayal at a level that is nearly impossible to convey the depth of without experiencing it. If he chooses to surround himself with people that give him what he wants (supporting his drinking), that shows you he isn't ready to quit.
I know it hurts, and there's nothing wrong with still feeling love for him even while he's hurt you. But you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect, who will keep your kids safe, and who's actions show he loves you more than he loves to drink.
Before things reached a head with my AH and he had his stand off with the police, he went to stay with his sister and her husband for a night. They took him in, made sure he didn't have anything to drink, gave him a safe place, and had a difficult but heart felt conversation with him the next morning. He went home later that same morning, and continued drinking until he passed out that night. When I told him the day after I could no longer handle things and wanted to separate, he left again, but to stay with his mom and brother instead of his sister. They gave him what he wanted: support to drink. They drank with him, and convinced him that "cutting his consumption by half" every day was a better way to stop drinking while avoiding withdrawal. The fact that his withdrawals are serious medical events that had been getting progressively worse didn't matter. He saw a way to "avoid" the withdrawal while still getting what he really wanted: support to drink.
You'll hear the three C's on here a lot: you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. You can be the most loving, healthy, supportive partner in the world, and he could still choose to drink over you. It is a betrayal at a level that is nearly impossible to convey the depth of without experiencing it. If he chooses to surround himself with people that give him what he wants (supporting his drinking), that shows you he isn't ready to quit.
I know it hurts, and there's nothing wrong with still feeling love for him even while he's hurt you. But you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect, who will keep your kids safe, and who's actions show he loves you more than he loves to drink.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
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Originally Posted by RebeccaB 
Thank you for so much for your quick replies and I feel so much better just that someone else understands. I am so used to being laughed at by friends who think I'm over reacting or him saying he doesn't know what the problem is. Your words are all so close to how I feel. I never envisaged being in a situation like this. I love him but I am utterly exhausted by it all. Thank you xx
What stood out for me in your OP was your uncertainty about wanting to marry him, and your discomfort as far as having him around your children if he has been drinking. These are very healthy boundaries, and you should really respect them!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by RebeccaB
I feel I have no hope. I have tried to help but if he doesn't honestly think he has a problem that help is pointless isn't it? Emotionally I am exhausted.
That's why he says you are stressing him out and nagging, he really doesn't see it, or doesn't want to, doesn't matter which, it just is.
You can't help him, he will quit drinking when he decides he wants to, for himself and not a moment before. I know it's incredibly sad and frustrating for you, but that is the truth.
So your decision to hold back a bit is a wise one, also to put aside "hope". As long as you keep holding out hope he will not drink so much tonight, or not wet the bed or show up naked in the hallway in front of the kids etc - you will be disappointed, that hurts you. I completely understand why you are exhausted - it is exhausting!
I am so used to being laughed at by friends who think I'm over reacting or him saying he doesn't know what the problem is.
There are only really two avenues here. If you decide to stay, since he is not ready to quit, it will be more of the same and you will really need to accept him, just the way he is (for your own sanity). Or, you can distance yourself and see if he ever does bother to get in to recovery. Is it an option to have him move out perhaps?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
There are only really two avenues here. If you decide to stay, since he is not ready to quit, it will be more of the same and you will really need to accept him, just the way he is (for your own sanity). Or, you can distance yourself and see if he ever does bother to get in to recovery. Is it an option to have him move out perhaps?
We own the house together but he’s in a better position than me to move out if necessary. I think this has to be my next step although it feels so painful to do that. He’s said today he wants to get help, he’s sorry, he feels guilty, no one understand his head - but it’s all just words now. I am starting to feel so emotionless towards him because this dark thing is always there stressing me out. I worry about family holidays, meals out, everything.
My kids and family adore him but I’m at the point that I no longer want to go out with him socially. I know for him to change he needs to change his social group and I think that’s too big of an ask for him to do. I think he genuinely believes that he can cut back and doesn’t have to stop completely.
I feel so sad. I also feel angry that he’s making me feel like this but still keeps playing the guilt card as if he needs my pity. We should have got married last year but it’s was delayed due to Covid 2 weeks before it should have happened. To think now that I don’t think I can marry him feels so incredibly sad. All this wasted because of alcohol.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I know we’re reaching the point that I have to make a decision and I know I can’t stay with someone who puts alcohol before me. It’s so hard as I haven’t confided properly in any of our friends as I’m embarrassed and ashamed for him of his drunken antics. He’s such a lovely man and I hate talking badly about him.
We own the house together but he’s in a better position than me to move out if necessary. I think this has to be my next step although it feels so painful to do that. He’s said today he wants to get help, he’s sorry, he feels guilty, no one understand his head - but it’s all just words now. I am starting to feel so emotionless towards him because this dark thing is always there stressing me out. I worry about family holidays, meals out, everything.
Here is a link to the Classic Reading thread dandylion mentioned earlier: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
My kids and family adore him but I’m at the point that I no longer want to go out with him socially. I know for him to change he needs to change his social group and I think that’s too big of an ask for him to do. I think he genuinely believes that he can cut back and doesn’t have to stop completely.
I feel so sad. I also feel angry that he’s making me feel like this but still keeps playing the guilt card as if he needs my pity. We should have got married last year but it’s was delayed due to Covid 2 weeks before it should have happened. To think now that I don’t think I can marry him feels so incredibly sad. All this wasted because of alcohol.
Unfortunately, as no one can make him stop drinking, no one is going to be able to make this ok for you either. It would be great if there were an answer like that. If you did A., B. and C this could be fixed! But it can't, this is his issue he needs to deal with it (or not).
I think you are on the right path with having him move out. If he is serious about recovery that's something he can do away from the house and you. A year is a good amount of sobriety and recovery as a bench mark. If he can achieve it, perhaps then might be a good time to revisit the question of marriage?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Rebecca....I am sure that we all understand how sad and disappointed you must feel---as you invested so much of your self into him. On this forum, we all have been hurt and disappointed and cried our eyes out over an alcoholic loved one. We get it.
There is no doubt that you will go through a period of grieving and all of the emotions that grieving entails. Eventually, it will pass.
You don't have to "talk badly" about him. In situations such as this---I think it is good to adopt a "need to know" policy. Only telling those who have an important need to know---those who might be directly affected by the breakup. Not just an idly curiosity about other people's business!
For most people who ask---if you choose to say ANYTHING---a simple statement should suffice. Like---"It didn't work out for the long term". "We decided to end it".
For his friends and drinking buddies----"i would prefer if you would ask him"
For those who are very aggressive in asking----with an understanding smile, say----"I will forgive you for asking, if you will forgive me for not answering"
As for embarrassment----Remember you are a separate person from him. His behaviors belong on his side of the street---just as yours belong on your side of the street.
You are not responsible for him. You did not raise him and your are not his keeper. He is not an extension of you.
As got those who are very close to you---who you may determine have a need to know----you might say---"He is a nice/good person who happens to have an "alcohol use disorder". It is completely up to you as to how much you wish to disclose.
Think of how much harder this would be if you had already been married to him.
There is no doubt that you will go through a period of grieving and all of the emotions that grieving entails. Eventually, it will pass.
You don't have to "talk badly" about him. In situations such as this---I think it is good to adopt a "need to know" policy. Only telling those who have an important need to know---those who might be directly affected by the breakup. Not just an idly curiosity about other people's business!
For most people who ask---if you choose to say ANYTHING---a simple statement should suffice. Like---"It didn't work out for the long term". "We decided to end it".
For his friends and drinking buddies----"i would prefer if you would ask him"
For those who are very aggressive in asking----with an understanding smile, say----"I will forgive you for asking, if you will forgive me for not answering"
As for embarrassment----Remember you are a separate person from him. His behaviors belong on his side of the street---just as yours belong on your side of the street.
You are not responsible for him. You did not raise him and your are not his keeper. He is not an extension of you.
As got those who are very close to you---who you may determine have a need to know----you might say---"He is a nice/good person who happens to have an "alcohol use disorder". It is completely up to you as to how much you wish to disclose.
Think of how much harder this would be if you had already been married to him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
I spoke to my partner after digesting everything that I read on here. I told him I could not do this anymore, that he was a grown man and if he wants to carry on drinking then he will continue to do so, and no amount of pleading from me will make a difference. I told him that I do not trust him with alcohol anymore nor my feelings, and that I was emotionally drained. The most powerful comment on here was envisaging how life would be if he didn't change and the need to protect my children from this. I cannot let his drinking habits take over my life.
We have spoken for a long time - he has rung a helpline and is waiting for a phone call for a referral to an alcohol counsellor. Without any prompting from me he has said that he has had this problem, in reality since he was 15 years old and it will be a hard habit to break but that he realises that the only way to tackle it is to give up drinking entirely and there is no in between stage for him. He says that to do this will mean he has to step away from his current friendship groups which will be difficult. His other option is to step away from me. I do not believe him 100%, although we have never had such an honest and frank conversation before, and I don't want to set myself up for another fall but I feel that I owe it to him to give him a chance? He has never actively sought help but I do feel stronger and that if he failed I have enough in me to walk away. I have enough equity in my house to buy my own house and enough people to support me emotionally. I don't have to put up with this anymore and I don't intend to but I am scared that he will let me down and hurt me again.
We have spoken for a long time - he has rung a helpline and is waiting for a phone call for a referral to an alcohol counsellor. Without any prompting from me he has said that he has had this problem, in reality since he was 15 years old and it will be a hard habit to break but that he realises that the only way to tackle it is to give up drinking entirely and there is no in between stage for him. He says that to do this will mean he has to step away from his current friendship groups which will be difficult. His other option is to step away from me. I do not believe him 100%, although we have never had such an honest and frank conversation before, and I don't want to set myself up for another fall but I feel that I owe it to him to give him a chance? He has never actively sought help but I do feel stronger and that if he failed I have enough in me to walk away. I have enough equity in my house to buy my own house and enough people to support me emotionally. I don't have to put up with this anymore and I don't intend to but I am scared that he will let me down and hurt me again.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
With drinkers, you have to watch their actions not words. Words mean nothing without action.
Ok, he made a phone call.
I would encourage you to focus on building a lovely life for yourself, get a beautiful home as you mention.
Then IF he gets sober and works a rigorous recovery program, you may consider dating him.
My late AH would have earnest talks with me and family about his drinking, accepted offers of help from the doctor, agreed to the rehab he was offered and on and on. All B/S. It gets people off their back in that moment.
Ok, he made a phone call.
I would encourage you to focus on building a lovely life for yourself, get a beautiful home as you mention.
Then IF he gets sober and works a rigorous recovery program, you may consider dating him.
My late AH would have earnest talks with me and family about his drinking, accepted offers of help from the doctor, agreed to the rehab he was offered and on and on. All B/S. It gets people off their back in that moment.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
I'm really glad you had that talk so you could get some clarity.
This is him saying he knows he is an alcoholic. Any denial of that fact after this statement (and that may well happen) is just that, denial.
Many times when pushed an alcoholic will choose the alcohol, please prepare yourself for this.
No you don't and you really do need to prepare yourself for him not doing what he says. So far he has made a phone call. He will need to actually take action (or not) for this to be meaningful. His back is to the wall right now. More will be revealed.
You said you don't trust him with alcohol or your feelings and that is really wise. So don't set yourself up for this fall, he hasn't actually done anything yet so any hope on this front would be premature.
he realises that the only way to tackle it is to give up drinking entirely and there is no in between stage for him.
He says that to do this will mean he has to step away from his current friendship groups which will be difficult. His other option is to step away from me.
I told him that I do not trust him with alcohol anymore nor my feelings
I don't have to put up with this anymore and I don't intend to but I am scared that he will let me down and hurt me again.
You said you don't trust him with alcohol or your feelings and that is really wise. So don't set yourself up for this fall, he hasn't actually done anything yet so any hope on this front would be premature.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by RebeccaB
We have spoken for a long time - he has rung a helpline and is waiting for a phone call for a referral to an alcohol counsellor. Without any prompting from me he has said that he has had this problem, in reality since he was 15 years old and it will be a hard habit to break but that he realises that the only way to tackle it is to give up drinking entirely and there is no in between stage for him. He says that to do this will mean he has to step away from his current friendship groups which will be difficult. His other option is to step away from me.
Also, while it's true addiction is incredibly difficult to face, particularly so for those who started at a young age, coming out of the gate with emphasizing to you how difficult it will be for him sounds like managing your expectations. Like a fall back for if things don't work out well or hit snags to say he already described how difficult it would be.
Did he actually say he his other option was to step away from you, or is that you stating what his other option is? If the former, that also gives me pause. If that's how he looks at it, then intentionally or not, he brought your conversation through three major hallmarks of emotional manipulation:
1. Completing an easy, placating action that can be used or abandoned later as needed
2. Managing your expectations of his success and upcoming challenges
3. An oblique threat that he will pull away from you in the event of failure
I realize not everyone is like this, and perhaps all he is saying and doing is the start to genuine change. I hope it is. That said, I would go at this in a "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" mindset. There's no harm in wanting to support your partner through this, but there's also no harm in laying the groundwork for things going poorly at the same time. Research any applicable separation and housing laws for your area (though it's easier not being married, covid may still throw a wrench into any housing changes), discuss with your support network options for housing for you and your kids if things are ever dangerous, ensure your passwords, financial information, medical records, social security, etc are in order. Having those things organized and such is a good plan in general. Getting it done before sh*t possibly hits the fan saves you from having to deal with it in chaos. A basic plan in place also makes things easier if you ever needed to leave the house or make changes quickly.
Originally Posted by RebeccaB
I don't want to set myself up for another fall but I feel that I owe it to him to give him a chance? ... I don't have to put up with this anymore and I don't intend to but I am scared that he will let me down and hurt me again.
I realize this reply has been pretty negative so far. I'm not saying it as a prediction or guarantee of him being duplicitous in this. People do make amazing recoveries from addiction. Either way, things are going to be challenging. It is important to take his words with a grain of salt (possibly a boulder of it) and see if his actions match up. If he truly begins recovery, that will have its own challenges. It's difficult to focus on the transformation recovery requires, while also fulfilling obligations in relationships, jobs, and child care. You may find that even in recovery he's not meeting your needs as a partner. It's important to stay honest with him and yourself about your wants and needs in this time. It can be hard not to tie your hope for your relationship on your hope for his recovery, only to find recovery is commencing but the relationship is not. That's why it's so important to take him as he is in the present, and base your choices on that. There's no telling what will come ahead.
Either way, I'm glad your guys are able to have difficult and open discussions. Communication is key to both of your recoveries. I hope we still see you on here too keep us updated.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by RebeccaB
We have spoken for a long time - he has rung a helpline and is waiting for a phone call for a referral to an alcohol counsellor. Without any prompting from me he has said that he has had this problem, in reality since he was 15 years old and it will be a hard habit to break but that he realises that the only way to tackle it is to give up drinking entirely and there is no in between stage for him.
He recognises he must quit completely. Most alcoholics do. The hard work is after that, when they have to learn how to think and live in sober, healthy ways. Changing the way your neurons fire is hard work. Be prepared that if he can accomplish this, it will take years.
Originally Posted by RebeccaB
He says that to do this will mean he has to step away from his current friendship groups which will be difficult. His other option is to step away from me. I do not believe him 100%, although we have never had such an honest and frank conversation before, and I don't want to set myself up for another fall but I feel that I owe it to him to give him a chance?
So again, expect little here, other than it might be you he chooses to walk away from. I heard a lot of honesty and words from the heart of my XABF, but when it came down to it, and I told him this, that he loved alcohol more than me. He had nothing to say after that.
So you can be encouraging and supportive, but do it at arms length. Know that you need to make yourself and your children your priority. It's generally recommended that an alcoholic have at least a year's time both sober *and* in recovery. That is a long time to "wait" for someone.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rebecca......you, of course, are going to make your decisions. However, I would take argument with the concept that you "owe him a chance". You don't "owe" him anything in that regard. In reality, he has had a "chance" every single day to reach for sobriety. The difference, is, that now, you have reached the end or your endurance with the drinking behaviors and the impact on the life of you and the kids---and, his status quo has been threatened.
You have the right to end/change any relationship any time you decide to---for any reason that you hold. That is any relationship---whether it is about an addiction or any other kind of reason.
Here is the point where a couple of issues come into mind---from the way I see it----1. The tendency for the loved on to almost reflexly go to feeling guilt. For a co-dependent person---it is Automatic...lol.
2. There is a maneuver that I observe a lot of alcoholics take when the loved one has had it up to their ears---is to take the "softest" route---the easiest route to getting the loved one off their back and pulling them back into the "circle".
In reality, it is pretty easy for them to do that---because they realize how desperate the loved one is to have something to pin their hope on. Any gesture at all is usually enough to fill the heart of the loved one---who might have prayed for this day to come.
Keeping in mind, that the "alcoholic voice" is speaking to the alcoholic, 24/7. The idea of never having another drink for the rest of their life has not had a chance to take hold in a serious way. The alcoholic, at this stage will always want a "back door" to the possibility of doing controlled drinking sometime in the future. And, many will avoid having the stigma of the term "alcoholic or alcoholism attached to their self identity----hence the abhorrence that the group AA has for them.
*****Here, in my opinion, is a big---big---loophole that the alcoholic can ---and, often will, utilize. There are lots of people that have the term counselor in their title. No matter how good they might be---if they don't have a background of experience in working with alcoholics and have had specialized training in that area---they won't know how to handle an alcoholic and the kinds of manipulation that alcoholics can use. Quite often, the alcoholic can wind the counselor around their finger.
I am just giving you a heads up. Anyone who claims to be an alcoholism counselor should have a special certification---"Certified Alcoholism Counselor". Even better, if they happen to be a long recovering alcoholic, themselves---like several years recovering.
for the alcoholic who is at the point to wanting to get sober for themselves---half measure will not do it.
I am going to give you the following link to one of our articles, from our Library of articles that I think is a pretty good yard stick.
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
You have the right to end/change any relationship any time you decide to---for any reason that you hold. That is any relationship---whether it is about an addiction or any other kind of reason.
Here is the point where a couple of issues come into mind---from the way I see it----1. The tendency for the loved on to almost reflexly go to feeling guilt. For a co-dependent person---it is Automatic...lol.
2. There is a maneuver that I observe a lot of alcoholics take when the loved one has had it up to their ears---is to take the "softest" route---the easiest route to getting the loved one off their back and pulling them back into the "circle".
In reality, it is pretty easy for them to do that---because they realize how desperate the loved one is to have something to pin their hope on. Any gesture at all is usually enough to fill the heart of the loved one---who might have prayed for this day to come.
Keeping in mind, that the "alcoholic voice" is speaking to the alcoholic, 24/7. The idea of never having another drink for the rest of their life has not had a chance to take hold in a serious way. The alcoholic, at this stage will always want a "back door" to the possibility of doing controlled drinking sometime in the future. And, many will avoid having the stigma of the term "alcoholic or alcoholism attached to their self identity----hence the abhorrence that the group AA has for them.
*****Here, in my opinion, is a big---big---loophole that the alcoholic can ---and, often will, utilize. There are lots of people that have the term counselor in their title. No matter how good they might be---if they don't have a background of experience in working with alcoholics and have had specialized training in that area---they won't know how to handle an alcoholic and the kinds of manipulation that alcoholics can use. Quite often, the alcoholic can wind the counselor around their finger.
I am just giving you a heads up. Anyone who claims to be an alcoholism counselor should have a special certification---"Certified Alcoholism Counselor". Even better, if they happen to be a long recovering alcoholic, themselves---like several years recovering.
for the alcoholic who is at the point to wanting to get sober for themselves---half measure will not do it.
I am going to give you the following link to one of our articles, from our Library of articles that I think is a pretty good yard stick.
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rebecca......you, of course, are going to make your decisions. However, I would take argument with the concept that you "owe him a chance". You don't "owe" him anything in that regard. In reality, he has had a "chance" every single day to reach for sobriety. The difference, is, that now, you have reached the end or your endurance with the drinking behaviors and the impact on the life of you and the kids---and, his status quo has been threatened.
You have the right to end/change any relationship any time you decide to---for any reason that you hold. That is any relationship---whether it is about an addiction or any other kind of reason.
Here is the point where a couple of issues come into mind---from the way I see it----1. The tendency for the loved on to almost reflexly go to feeling guilt. For a co-dependent person---it is Automatic...lol.
2. There is a maneuver that I observe a lot of alcoholics take when the loved one has had it up to their ears---is to take the "softest" route---the easiest route to getting the loved one off their back and pulling them back into the "circle".
In reality, it is pretty easy for them to do that---because they realize how desperate the loved one is to have something to pin their hope on. Any gesture at all is usually enough to fill the heart of the loved one---who might have prayed for this day to come.
Keeping in mind, that the "alcoholic voice" is speaking to the alcoholic, 24/7. The idea of never having another drink for the rest of their life has not had a chance to take hold in a serious way. The alcoholic, at this stage will always want a "back door" to the possibility of doing controlled drinking sometime in the future. And, many will avoid having the stigma of the term "alcoholic or alcoholism attached to their self identity----hence the abhorrence that the group AA has for them.
*****Here, in my opinion, is a big---big---loophole that the alcoholic can ---and, often will, utilize. There are lots of people that have the term counselor in their title. No matter how good they might be---if they don't have a background of experience in working with alcoholics and have had specialized training in that area---they won't know how to handle an alcoholic and the kinds of manipulation that alcoholics can use. Quite often, the alcoholic can wind the counselor around their finger.
I am just giving you a heads up. Anyone who claims to be an alcoholism counselor should have a special certification---"Certified Alcoholism Counselor". Even better, if they happen to be a long recovering alcoholic, themselves---like several years recovering.
for the alcoholic who is at the point to wanting to get sober for themselves---half measure will not do it.
I am going to give you the following link to one of our articles, from our Library of articles that I think is a pretty good yard stick.
You have the right to end/change any relationship any time you decide to---for any reason that you hold. That is any relationship---whether it is about an addiction or any other kind of reason.
Here is the point where a couple of issues come into mind---from the way I see it----1. The tendency for the loved on to almost reflexly go to feeling guilt. For a co-dependent person---it is Automatic...lol.
2. There is a maneuver that I observe a lot of alcoholics take when the loved one has had it up to their ears---is to take the "softest" route---the easiest route to getting the loved one off their back and pulling them back into the "circle".
In reality, it is pretty easy for them to do that---because they realize how desperate the loved one is to have something to pin their hope on. Any gesture at all is usually enough to fill the heart of the loved one---who might have prayed for this day to come.
Keeping in mind, that the "alcoholic voice" is speaking to the alcoholic, 24/7. The idea of never having another drink for the rest of their life has not had a chance to take hold in a serious way. The alcoholic, at this stage will always want a "back door" to the possibility of doing controlled drinking sometime in the future. And, many will avoid having the stigma of the term "alcoholic or alcoholism attached to their self identity----hence the abhorrence that the group AA has for them.
*****Here, in my opinion, is a big---big---loophole that the alcoholic can ---and, often will, utilize. There are lots of people that have the term counselor in their title. No matter how good they might be---if they don't have a background of experience in working with alcoholics and have had specialized training in that area---they won't know how to handle an alcoholic and the kinds of manipulation that alcoholics can use. Quite often, the alcoholic can wind the counselor around their finger.
I am just giving you a heads up. Anyone who claims to be an alcoholism counselor should have a special certification---"Certified Alcoholism Counselor". Even better, if they happen to be a long recovering alcoholic, themselves---like several years recovering.
for the alcoholic who is at the point to wanting to get sober for themselves---half measure will not do it.
I am going to give you the following link to one of our articles, from our Library of articles that I think is a pretty good yard stick.
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