I am not sure what to do now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
Thank you for all your replies. I read them, walked away, thought about it all, read them again and spoke to him to ask him for proof that he had made a call and he couldn't show me that proof. I asked him to pack a bag and leave as he was just lying to himself as well as me. It's been a difficult evening. He has filled in a referral form at an alcohol service and he showed me he has done this. I have literally just shrugged my shoulders at him.
I know some have advised sell my house, make all those preparations now but unfortunately financially it is not that simple. The house would need to be sold, we would owe a lot in early repayment charges and we have building works that are being done in the house that have to be completed before we could sell it to soak up those charges. These are not excuses, they are just the facts at the moment. If we rented somewhere together it would be very different. I certainly cannot afford to walk out and continue to pay the mortgage and rent, and I will not leave my house and put myself in a precarious financial position when I have done nothing wrong.
Interestingly during our row he threw the blame at me when I said he was a liar - that I was driving him out of the house, he said he will do it and he will, I was a self serving bitch who won't let him do it his way and that he had opened up to him just for me to throw it back in his face. I just simply walked away and told him he wasn't worth fighting for.
Genuinely I do not know where I or we go from here.
I know some have advised sell my house, make all those preparations now but unfortunately financially it is not that simple. The house would need to be sold, we would owe a lot in early repayment charges and we have building works that are being done in the house that have to be completed before we could sell it to soak up those charges. These are not excuses, they are just the facts at the moment. If we rented somewhere together it would be very different. I certainly cannot afford to walk out and continue to pay the mortgage and rent, and I will not leave my house and put myself in a precarious financial position when I have done nothing wrong.
Interestingly during our row he threw the blame at me when I said he was a liar - that I was driving him out of the house, he said he will do it and he will, I was a self serving bitch who won't let him do it his way and that he had opened up to him just for me to throw it back in his face. I just simply walked away and told him he wasn't worth fighting for.
Genuinely I do not know where I or we go from here.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 20
I'm so sorry Rebecca. The blame game is so common. I am in a similar boat with a confrontation coming in a few days, my spouse has been out of town. Supposedly, he has been doing research and has a “better understanding now”. Either way they never like it when we don't conform to what they want us to say or do. Stay strong. I understand the logistics are difficult, we have a house and 20+ years of stuff to deal with. I spoke with a lawyer to help me know what was the right path for me. The support on this site is amazing, I'm new but I have read countless stories and the veterans are amazingly patient and knowledgable.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Houses make everything complicated, but they can be a huge assit. Is the house entirely in your name, or are you joint owners? I truly understand not being able to afford rent and a mortgage, since I was in that position for a short time until my AH took over the mortgage payments. I agree you shouldn't have to leave your home, still preparations for a place of safety in need might be helpful.
It's telling that he couldn't come up with proof of a phone call, since it should be an easy thing to show you call history, and check the number online. It really sends home that he is not ready to focus on recovery, and is willing to lie to get you to back off. I'm not even sure what the referral form you're referencing would accomplish, though my experiences have been with entering detox facilities that led to longer treatment. Perhaps applications are different for other programs. Either way, I think continuing to take his words with the boulder of salt is wise.
I'm sorry he went on the attack as well, though unfortunately that is really common. Walking away is the right call, there's nothing to be gained from fighting with an addict. In addition to JADE, remember it also isn't your job to aid or care for his recovery (or lack there of.) He will recover in his own way, in his own time, or he won't. Just as you don't need to prove and explain yourself to him, he doesn't need to check with you at every step. He needs to focus entirely on his own recovery if he is to make it. Coming to you at every turn with "well I filled out this paper, what more can I do today?!" and "I went to that rehab for you, you're always controlling me!" etc just shows he's using you as an excuse for failure.
Going forward, my best advice is just to continue focusing on your personal self care and recovery. Making sure you are healthy, and you create a healthy environment for your kids. Researching boundaries, possibly therapy for all of you if they're interested. You are the one who has to look out for yourself in this.
It's telling that he couldn't come up with proof of a phone call, since it should be an easy thing to show you call history, and check the number online. It really sends home that he is not ready to focus on recovery, and is willing to lie to get you to back off. I'm not even sure what the referral form you're referencing would accomplish, though my experiences have been with entering detox facilities that led to longer treatment. Perhaps applications are different for other programs. Either way, I think continuing to take his words with the boulder of salt is wise.
I'm sorry he went on the attack as well, though unfortunately that is really common. Walking away is the right call, there's nothing to be gained from fighting with an addict. In addition to JADE, remember it also isn't your job to aid or care for his recovery (or lack there of.) He will recover in his own way, in his own time, or he won't. Just as you don't need to prove and explain yourself to him, he doesn't need to check with you at every step. He needs to focus entirely on his own recovery if he is to make it. Coming to you at every turn with "well I filled out this paper, what more can I do today?!" and "I went to that rehab for you, you're always controlling me!" etc just shows he's using you as an excuse for failure.
Going forward, my best advice is just to continue focusing on your personal self care and recovery. Making sure you are healthy, and you create a healthy environment for your kids. Researching boundaries, possibly therapy for all of you if they're interested. You are the one who has to look out for yourself in this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rebecca.....I realize that I live in the States and you live in another country---so, I am unfamiliar with your housing market---but, I am wondering about the possibility of renting out your house and renting another place for you and the kids....if you are determined to keep the house for an extended period of time.
These are weighty decisions, I know. Unless there is actual abuse going on---maybe it would be a good idea to take a deep breath and spend some time thoroughly thinking over all of the ins and outs of your situation---particularly, the practical details of navigating forward.
You don't really have to make rapid and impulsive decisions by the seat of your pants, do you.....?
Years ago, I went through a divorce with three small children---at first, it seems that it is overwhelming and scary to navigate the financials---but, somehow it all seems to work itself out.....As long as your best welfare is the guiding light---that is the important thing.
So many times in my life, I have reached a crossroad which caused me to look to the Universe and ask----"What in **ll am I going to do??" lol...The Universe said back to me---"dandylion, where there is a will, there is a way. You are going to figure it all out. and you will survive. You always do/"
These are weighty decisions, I know. Unless there is actual abuse going on---maybe it would be a good idea to take a deep breath and spend some time thoroughly thinking over all of the ins and outs of your situation---particularly, the practical details of navigating forward.
You don't really have to make rapid and impulsive decisions by the seat of your pants, do you.....?
Years ago, I went through a divorce with three small children---at first, it seems that it is overwhelming and scary to navigate the financials---but, somehow it all seems to work itself out.....As long as your best welfare is the guiding light---that is the important thing.
So many times in my life, I have reached a crossroad which caused me to look to the Universe and ask----"What in **ll am I going to do??" lol...The Universe said back to me---"dandylion, where there is a will, there is a way. You are going to figure it all out. and you will survive. You always do/"
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I don't know why you would sell right off. Even if you had to pay your spouse for his equity in the house, it seems like that could be worked out in the courts. Current Guy was to give his wife half the profit when he sold their house, but it went into foreclosure, so he ended up owing her nothing.
(Hate to be the voice of doom. There were other issues that led to the debacle. They over-built: three bed-three bath in a depressed area. The two of them could barely afford the home. He had her taken off the mortgage, but he couldn't afford the mortgage alone.)
(Hate to be the voice of doom. There were other issues that led to the debacle. They over-built: three bed-three bath in a depressed area. The two of them could barely afford the home. He had her taken off the mortgage, but he couldn't afford the mortgage alone.)
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by RebeccaB 
I was a self serving bitch who won't let him do it his way and that he had opened up to him just for me to throw it back in his face.
Sorry to be late to this thread. I am so sorry to read your story.
I don't know about the laws in your country, but can you get something legal that requires him to move out, like a restraining order? Are your children adults, or are they still underage?
If he walks around the house naked in front of underage children, drunk or not, this might just be your ticket out of this situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 6
Hi - I definitely, at this stage, do not have any fears for my safety. He has never shown any physical aggression towards me drunk and I am not fearful of him sober or drunk. I have confided my situation in my sister who I am very close to and she is very supportive.
The reality is that if we split up then we would have to sell the house as I cannot afford to buy him out and him the same. I have been through a divorce and started from scratch, so legally I've protected all my money and know financially, ultimately, I will be fine. In the short term he would be able to find somewhere to stay if he needed to. Mentally I feel quite strong and ready to step away from it and put the ball in his court. If I was being entirely honest with myself though, I want us to work out and I want him to stick to his word, and that just makes it all the harder.
The reality is that if we split up then we would have to sell the house as I cannot afford to buy him out and him the same. I have been through a divorce and started from scratch, so legally I've protected all my money and know financially, ultimately, I will be fine. In the short term he would be able to find somewhere to stay if he needed to. Mentally I feel quite strong and ready to step away from it and put the ball in his court. If I was being entirely honest with myself though, I want us to work out and I want him to stick to his word, and that just makes it all the harder.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by RebeccaB
If I was being entirely honest with myself though, I want us to work out and I want him to stick to his word, and that just makes it all the harder.
The sadness is that it is really difficult for active alcoholics to love or to stick to their word. He's already been dishonest with you just to get you to leave him alone. You might really spend some time with this part right here: would you work out if he doesn't keep his word? Because he already hasn't.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
It's ok not to be at the point where you want to end things. You will know when -if- the damage is so great there is no way to fix things. Not all attempts at recovery fail, and many people are able to move into a healthier life together. Knowing in your heart that you aren't ready to end the relationship is important too, since it gives you a place to start from.
If your plan is to stay together, what are the things that would facilitate that? While it's easy to envision how good things would be "if only" He were healthy, it's not the reality of your relationship right now. So, if his actions never changed, what would you have to do to make this relationship work for you? What boundaries and routines would help you maintain your health and sanity? Do you have hard limits that, if crossed, would end the relationship no matter what else? If things stayed just as they are, what emotion does that vision fill you with? Content, fear, hope, dread, exhaustion, emptiness, etc?
It also helps to remember a choice made now doesn't necessarily make it permanent. Deciding to stay together and try to fix things now doesn't mean that new experiences later may give you new data to revisit the choice with. Separating doesn't have to be permanent either, if you feel he can recover to a point later to be worthy of your time.
If your plan is to stay together, what are the things that would facilitate that? While it's easy to envision how good things would be "if only" He were healthy, it's not the reality of your relationship right now. So, if his actions never changed, what would you have to do to make this relationship work for you? What boundaries and routines would help you maintain your health and sanity? Do you have hard limits that, if crossed, would end the relationship no matter what else? If things stayed just as they are, what emotion does that vision fill you with? Content, fear, hope, dread, exhaustion, emptiness, etc?
It also helps to remember a choice made now doesn't necessarily make it permanent. Deciding to stay together and try to fix things now doesn't mean that new experiences later may give you new data to revisit the choice with. Separating doesn't have to be permanent either, if you feel he can recover to a point later to be worthy of your time.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Well I'm of the mind that you keep the house if you can. Right now you all are in flux. Neither of you can afford to buy the other out, can you afford the mortgage alone? You don't have to answer that here, of course, but perhaps that's another option (or having a room mate move in to supplement income for you). Maybe think of the house as more of a financial asset. As mentioned, getting out of your mortgage early involves a penalty, not sure how long until it's up for renewal but why put both of you at financial disadvantage.
In a nutshell I'm saying it may be advantageous financially, for both of you, to keep the house at least for a year or two. If you would be paying the mortgage alone in the meantime, it might be a good idea to have the house valued now, as it is. A lawyer should be able to advise you on this with a short consultation.
You mentioned you would like all of this to work out, well perhaps a holding pattern for a while would also be good for both of you (with him moving out). None of these decisions need to be made right this minute. Keeping it simple when everyone's emotions are so raw is a good idea I think. None of this is written in stone.
Another option might be to split up the house physically so you can both live there. The - split up - sell the house and damn the torpedoes scenario is not always the best idea. It's up to you what you think might work.
For quite some time he has maintained this drinking pattern, he knows how you feel. Just because he confessed yes, he really has a drinking problem and yes, he knows it's a problem, doesn't give him sainthood. None of this is anything new. Not sure why he thinks you should be engulfed in compassion all of a sudden, I'm sure that makes sense to him though, somehow.
In a nutshell I'm saying it may be advantageous financially, for both of you, to keep the house at least for a year or two. If you would be paying the mortgage alone in the meantime, it might be a good idea to have the house valued now, as it is. A lawyer should be able to advise you on this with a short consultation.
You mentioned you would like all of this to work out, well perhaps a holding pattern for a while would also be good for both of you (with him moving out). None of these decisions need to be made right this minute. Keeping it simple when everyone's emotions are so raw is a good idea I think. None of this is written in stone.
Another option might be to split up the house physically so you can both live there. The - split up - sell the house and damn the torpedoes scenario is not always the best idea. It's up to you what you think might work.
I was a self serving bitch who won't let him do it his way and that he had opened up to him just for me to throw it back in his face.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Rebecca, Cookie said above: "Leaving really hurts. It hurts to consider, it hurts to do, and it hurts to recover from."
I agree with Cookie but as someone who just went through something similar, I promise you that there is light, too. I know the pain is so gut-wrenchingly deep right now and the thought of leaving him (or making him leave in your case) is huge, horrible, unfathomable, but I promise, promise, promise it does get better. You can and will build a whole new life for yourself. You can have the life you want, which is not someone who drinks like this and who affects you like this. You can have someone 31 days a month who is sober, not the 25 days you mention. You can. But the only way to get there is, sometimes, to take a leap of faith. I can tell you have a really good head on your shoulders. Trust your gut and trust your impressions. You can have the life you want.
I agree with Cookie but as someone who just went through something similar, I promise you that there is light, too. I know the pain is so gut-wrenchingly deep right now and the thought of leaving him (or making him leave in your case) is huge, horrible, unfathomable, but I promise, promise, promise it does get better. You can and will build a whole new life for yourself. You can have the life you want, which is not someone who drinks like this and who affects you like this. You can have someone 31 days a month who is sober, not the 25 days you mention. You can. But the only way to get there is, sometimes, to take a leap of faith. I can tell you have a really good head on your shoulders. Trust your gut and trust your impressions. You can have the life you want.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I would like to share that there can always be hope. Addiction is a lifelong condition but it doesn’t have to be a death sentence. Maybe he will be ready to do the incredibly hard work of healing the parts of him that lead him to drink in the first place, and the long, slow process of rebuilding an entire life without alcohol and with an understanding of what being an alcoholic really means and entails. Maybe he won’t.
However, whether he’s really going to face this, or is just trying to appease you, your course of action is pretty much the same. You need to focus on keeping yourself and your family safe and strong, finances safe, etc. Recovery is a LONG journey, and exhausting. Often not a clean, linear journey, and definitely with no guarantees. Sometimes, the addict will put everything they love in their life at risk, without really meaning to. If there’s going to be anything worth saving on the other side, it needs to be kept safe. This might involve creating space between you. Not a clear cut decision to “leave” or “stay” but an understanding that for there to be a relationship worth coming back to, you both need space to do what needs to be done before then.
However, whether he’s really going to face this, or is just trying to appease you, your course of action is pretty much the same. You need to focus on keeping yourself and your family safe and strong, finances safe, etc. Recovery is a LONG journey, and exhausting. Often not a clean, linear journey, and definitely with no guarantees. Sometimes, the addict will put everything they love in their life at risk, without really meaning to. If there’s going to be anything worth saving on the other side, it needs to be kept safe. This might involve creating space between you. Not a clear cut decision to “leave” or “stay” but an understanding that for there to be a relationship worth coming back to, you both need space to do what needs to be done before then.
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