Perspective
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Perspective
I moved across the country more than a year and a half ago and that was when I met my AXBF. I didn't have (m)any (?) local friends (who would, moving 1200 miles across the country to a new job that then immediately went online due to the pandemic) so I think that played into why I put up with his behavior more than the five seconds that I should have. I didn't know anyone. I couldn't really meet anyone. Work was shut down. He was the only person I had met other than the folks you might see at the grocery store or the gas station.
I work at a university, which is back in person this year. I've made so many new friends this summer in preparation for going back in person. I've seen them plenty over the past month. They are smart, responsive, caring, collegial, and reliable. When I email with a work issue, they email right back. They drop by my office to say hello, to welcome me. They make professional and personal plans -- and then keep them?! They don't forget things. I feel like I've been transported to another universe. Five minutes ago, some colleagues I just learned also live on my street dropped by a gift basket. Chocolates, crackers, cheese, a fall candle, the like. For no reason. They said they wanted me to have a good week. Tears sprang to my eyes.
There is no point to this post, really, other than how much being with an addict, even for a very short period of time, messes with your perspective. Addicts love one thing, which is their drug of choice. There is simply no room for true, organic thoughtfulness (versus them doing something nice when they know they are in the dog house post-bender). I was thinking back and the times when my Q did something nice for me -- it was all post-fight when he needed to try to fix something that was really, really bad. It's so nice to be with people who do nice things for ... no reason? Just because they feel like spreading some kindness? I'm so grateful that I'm free and able to receive this.
I work at a university, which is back in person this year. I've made so many new friends this summer in preparation for going back in person. I've seen them plenty over the past month. They are smart, responsive, caring, collegial, and reliable. When I email with a work issue, they email right back. They drop by my office to say hello, to welcome me. They make professional and personal plans -- and then keep them?! They don't forget things. I feel like I've been transported to another universe. Five minutes ago, some colleagues I just learned also live on my street dropped by a gift basket. Chocolates, crackers, cheese, a fall candle, the like. For no reason. They said they wanted me to have a good week. Tears sprang to my eyes.
There is no point to this post, really, other than how much being with an addict, even for a very short period of time, messes with your perspective. Addicts love one thing, which is their drug of choice. There is simply no room for true, organic thoughtfulness (versus them doing something nice when they know they are in the dog house post-bender). I was thinking back and the times when my Q did something nice for me -- it was all post-fight when he needed to try to fix something that was really, really bad. It's so nice to be with people who do nice things for ... no reason? Just because they feel like spreading some kindness? I'm so grateful that I'm free and able to receive this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
So glad things are working out for you, Runner.
I have also found that it is appropriate to distance oneself from craziness, whether addiction is involved or not. Of course, when one digs deep enough, it usually is there.
I know you regret hanging on with your ex as long as you did. The point is, at least emotionally, you finally got out.
I have also found that it is appropriate to distance oneself from craziness, whether addiction is involved or not. Of course, when one digs deep enough, it usually is there.
I know you regret hanging on with your ex as long as you did. The point is, at least emotionally, you finally got out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
OKrunner, I know what you mean. Even now, 6 years post divorce, I'm surprised when people remember conversations that I had with them. I still have to remind myself that I don't need to repeat everything multiple times, hoping that one of those times will stick.
It's a whole new world, isn't it? Thanks for posting this.
It's a whole new world, isn't it? Thanks for posting this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
OKRunner
You go girl.
In a relatively short period of time, you've taken back your dignity & are regaining a healthy perspective. From my own experience, Its not something which is easily done.
The way I see it - he didnt deserve to have a quality person like you & you dont need a guy like him in your life.
Trying to be in a relationship with an addict (for however long) does suck big time & is extremely destructive. As time goes on its like having balls & chains around our neck, legs & arms. The only way I could find my freedom from it - was to simply walk away. Looking back, I had the key all along & in the end let myself out of jail.
You go girl.
In a relatively short period of time, you've taken back your dignity & are regaining a healthy perspective. From my own experience, Its not something which is easily done.
The way I see it - he didnt deserve to have a quality person like you & you dont need a guy like him in your life.
Trying to be in a relationship with an addict (for however long) does suck big time & is extremely destructive. As time goes on its like having balls & chains around our neck, legs & arms. The only way I could find my freedom from it - was to simply walk away. Looking back, I had the key all along & in the end let myself out of jail.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Thank you for sharing this, OK Runner, really good to read such a positive update.
I am discovering some of the things you share about. It is so wonderful and uplifting.
I like "healthy" people. People who do nice stuff just because they are nice!!
I am discovering some of the things you share about. It is so wonderful and uplifting.
I like "healthy" people. People who do nice stuff just because they are nice!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 46
Good that you are getting positive validation through your colleagues! You are absolutely worthy of kindness and respect. Our relationships with our As can warp things for sure even receiving plain human decency. Continue nurturing the good relationships and hope you feel better and better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Thank you all so much. I am very grateful for your time and guidance and friendship over the past ten months. It is sad what brings each of us here -- but in my own case I wouldn't trade what I've learned in the ten months since I joined SR for the world. I really wouldn't. Maybe it took this whole situation to show me that I could grow into the person I've always wanted to be. And for that I am grateful. ~OKR
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