Will I feel this way forever ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Will I feel this way forever ?
Hi Everyone ... So it is has officially started with month 3 of my separation that is leading to my divorce. Only communication has been 3 times of text. I haven't heard his voice. I have been to therapy and read read read and wrote on here so much. I appreciate everyone's insight and guidance. This has been a huge home for me 
So thank you. As time is passing the anger is fading and the pain and hurt seem to coming in strong waves. I cry at least 2 times a day for 30 min to an hour each time. Is this normal? I don't know how to get out of this pain. Will it just eventually pass? Like one day I won't feel the emptiness of loosing my AH. Logically I don't want him back. Looking back, I even think he was out of his mind most of our marriage. I doubt he has had a day sober since he left. I can't be sure but last time I heard from him ( through a friend) he wasn't working, living in a van, hung over that day, license suspended, so no car insurance and couch surfing (at 39 years old) .... I have come to the realization that he prefers his life this way and the expectation I had in any kind of normalcy ( not being drunk, having some adult responsibilities, grocery shopping, being active, cooking meals ever ) just from my point of view adulting seemed to weigh so heavy on him and thus our marriage... he used to even get mad if I asked him what he would want for dinner that night. He would say in an angry and annoyed manner " I don't know, make whatever you want... you know I don't care about things like food"...Now I feel nervouse to show my self to people.... even friends... I feel like I might have some type of PTSD emotionally .... Is this possible? Has anyone else had this....nervous to be open to people after the ex leaves? Logically I get that he was a total jerk to me above and beyond the alcoholism. I feel so off lately though... insecure that I am going to loose something else in the blink of an eye. Like I keep asking God... what is next? I am usually confident in myself but right now I feel anxious... sometimes i start to cry and can't catch my breath. I am seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist ( for anxiety and not sleeping well)... I just feel like I can't handle much more disappointment in the near future anyway. Is this normal 2 months out of a marriage with an active alcoholic? It feels like so much to shift through and rewire in my brain ...Thank you all again
So thank you. As time is passing the anger is fading and the pain and hurt seem to coming in strong waves. I cry at least 2 times a day for 30 min to an hour each time. Is this normal? I don't know how to get out of this pain. Will it just eventually pass? Like one day I won't feel the emptiness of loosing my AH. Logically I don't want him back. Looking back, I even think he was out of his mind most of our marriage. I doubt he has had a day sober since he left. I can't be sure but last time I heard from him ( through a friend) he wasn't working, living in a van, hung over that day, license suspended, so no car insurance and couch surfing (at 39 years old) .... I have come to the realization that he prefers his life this way and the expectation I had in any kind of normalcy ( not being drunk, having some adult responsibilities, grocery shopping, being active, cooking meals ever ) just from my point of view adulting seemed to weigh so heavy on him and thus our marriage... he used to even get mad if I asked him what he would want for dinner that night. He would say in an angry and annoyed manner " I don't know, make whatever you want... you know I don't care about things like food"...Now I feel nervouse to show my self to people.... even friends... I feel like I might have some type of PTSD emotionally .... Is this possible? Has anyone else had this....nervous to be open to people after the ex leaves? Logically I get that he was a total jerk to me above and beyond the alcoholism. I feel so off lately though... insecure that I am going to loose something else in the blink of an eye. Like I keep asking God... what is next? I am usually confident in myself but right now I feel anxious... sometimes i start to cry and can't catch my breath. I am seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist ( for anxiety and not sleeping well)... I just feel like I can't handle much more disappointment in the near future anyway. Is this normal 2 months out of a marriage with an active alcoholic? It feels like so much to shift through and rewire in my brain ...Thank you all again
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333 
Hi Everyone ... So it is has officially started with month 3 of my separation that is leading to my divorce. Only communication has been 3 times of text. I haven't heard his voice. I have been to therapy and read read read and wrote on here so much. I appreciate everyone's insight and guidance. This has been a huge home for me So thank you. As time is passing the anger is fading and the pain and hurt seem to coming in strong waves. I cry at least 2 times a day for 30 min to an hour each time. Is this normal? I don't know how to get out of this pain. Will it just eventually pass? Like one day I won't feel the emptiness of loosing my AH.
So thank you. As time is passing the anger is fading and the pain and hurt seem to coming in strong waves. I cry at least 2 times a day for 30 min to an hour each time. Is this normal? I don't know how to get out of this pain. Will it just eventually pass? Like one day I won't feel the emptiness of loosing my AH.
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Now I feel nervouse to show my self to people.... even friends... I feel like I might have some type of PTSD emotionally .... Is this possible? Has anyone else had this....nervous to be open to people after the ex leaves?
It might be helpful to work with your therapist if there's trauma that you need to heal (there are good ways to treat PTSD like EMDR). Sometimes also it's normal in the grief process to feel trauma.
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Logically I get that he was a total jerk to me above and beyond the alcoholism. I feel so off lately though... insecure that I am going to loose something else in the blink of an eye. Like I keep asking God... what is next? I am usually confident in myself but right now I feel anxious... sometimes i start to cry and can't catch my breath. I am seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist ( for anxiety and not sleeping well)... I just feel like I can't handle much more disappointment in the near future anyway. Is this normal 2 months out of a marriage with an active alcoholic? It feels like so much to shift through and rewire in my brain ...Thank you all again
You're only three months out. It's not easy to heal from the loss of a loved one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I am about 5 months from living wiith an active alkie. My doctor advised me I have ptsd as do most people who have lived with active alcoholism for any time. Being in that stressful environment damages us.
You ask about being nervous to share with other people about things, I am. Is part of the ptsd. My poor battered nervous is in such pain that it is seeing everything as a threat. It feels like they are all judging and criticising me. (much like the alkies in our life did).
I have found it has now got worse, as part of the healing. It gets worse before it gets better. Also I think I was pretty numb and now that is wearing off, I am feeling my emotions more.
Much much worse now.
It has felt horrendous at times. I have never known pain like it. It lasts for a few hours and sudden passes with a feeling of release from my physical body. I sit with it, feel the deep deep pain come up and eventually come out. Initially it came up and out quicker, I sense I am now down to the really deep crud. Most of it nothing to do with late AH, from way before I invited him into my life.
I was writing in another thread, it is very like trying to cough something up that is stuck or may vomit but the stomach is empty and nothing there to come up. It really hurts. So it is real hard work to clear it, then suddenly it shifts and literally comes up and is gone. Within seconds I am back to normal. I mentioned using Yoga to open up to help it out.
As I understand it, it is stuck trauma and old emotions that I wasn't able to feel when they were actually happening. Maybe a year or 20 years ago. Stays in the body as an injury. Needs cleaning out.
I agree with Sage in that not making any decisions for at least a year is a good plan. At the moment I can't even pick what new dress to buy myself, let alone make a sensible life decision.
I hope in amongst all this is something that helps you. If only that you are not alone in this.
You ask about being nervous to share with other people about things, I am. Is part of the ptsd. My poor battered nervous is in such pain that it is seeing everything as a threat. It feels like they are all judging and criticising me. (much like the alkies in our life did).
I have found it has now got worse, as part of the healing. It gets worse before it gets better. Also I think I was pretty numb and now that is wearing off, I am feeling my emotions more.
Much much worse now.
It has felt horrendous at times. I have never known pain like it. It lasts for a few hours and sudden passes with a feeling of release from my physical body. I sit with it, feel the deep deep pain come up and eventually come out. Initially it came up and out quicker, I sense I am now down to the really deep crud. Most of it nothing to do with late AH, from way before I invited him into my life.
I was writing in another thread, it is very like trying to cough something up that is stuck or may vomit but the stomach is empty and nothing there to come up. It really hurts. So it is real hard work to clear it, then suddenly it shifts and literally comes up and is gone. Within seconds I am back to normal. I mentioned using Yoga to open up to help it out.
As I understand it, it is stuck trauma and old emotions that I wasn't able to feel when they were actually happening. Maybe a year or 20 years ago. Stays in the body as an injury. Needs cleaning out.
I agree with Sage in that not making any decisions for at least a year is a good plan. At the moment I can't even pick what new dress to buy myself, let alone make a sensible life decision.
I hope in amongst all this is something that helps you. If only that you are not alone in this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Good day to you friends.
Three months is nothing. This takes YEARS and a lot of hard work.
One thing I notice at this stage in my recovery, to borrow from electricians' lingo, is my polarity has changed. I am not attracted to the same people. When I find myself in a situation with addictive behavior from someone, I get the "ickies." In the old days, I used to seek people out that I could "fix."
Just keep working your program. Cry all you need to. And keep coming back.
Three months is nothing. This takes YEARS and a lot of hard work.
One thing I notice at this stage in my recovery, to borrow from electricians' lingo, is my polarity has changed. I am not attracted to the same people. When I find myself in a situation with addictive behavior from someone, I get the "ickies." In the old days, I used to seek people out that I could "fix."
Just keep working your program. Cry all you need to. And keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Sometimes the full gravity of your feelings comes in stages and waves. It isn't permanent, but grief takes time to process. I'd almost envision it like being dumped with a box full of Legos. It's gonna take you time to sort through all of them, sometimes people sort them by color first, others by shape, etc. Sometimes you end up stepping on one. Little by little though you'll sort through your feelings and memories from all this.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if you were struggling with ptsd from your experiences. Trauma is different for everyone. You may just be reaching a point of your recovery that is particularly painful and difficult, which makes it harder for you to see the things you didn't struggle through. If you look back through your messages, you'll see the difference in just these few months. I remember when you felt you couldn't make it a single day. You say you're nervous to open up to people, but are able to share your thoughts and fears on here with us. Your stories give you an outlet while also giving others the knowledge they also aren't alone. It's OK to feel how you're feeling right now, just remember how far you've already come too.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if you were struggling with ptsd from your experiences. Trauma is different for everyone. You may just be reaching a point of your recovery that is particularly painful and difficult, which makes it harder for you to see the things you didn't struggle through. If you look back through your messages, you'll see the difference in just these few months. I remember when you felt you couldn't make it a single day. You say you're nervous to open up to people, but are able to share your thoughts and fears on here with us. Your stories give you an outlet while also giving others the knowledge they also aren't alone. It's OK to feel how you're feeling right now, just remember how far you've already come too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
You mentioned surf boards in a previous post...wouldn't be a bad idea to dust one off and start using it, surfing is the best therapy there is! And you'll likely be surrounded by large groups of guys, many that are probably pretty great people---new and healthy potential friends and when the time is right, maybe more.
I've always found that the best way to heal after a tough time is getting outside, doing the things you love and/or finding new hobbies, surfing has always been at the top of this list.
As for the time frame, you just have to take it one day at a time and know that at some point you will heal. Could be tomorrow, could be 6 months, or maybe a little longer but for all the pain you are dealing with now, there is also a ton of growth that is happening but hard to see and feel, but it will be very clear when it's all said and done. Hang in there!
I've always found that the best way to heal after a tough time is getting outside, doing the things you love and/or finding new hobbies, surfing has always been at the top of this list.
As for the time frame, you just have to take it one day at a time and know that at some point you will heal. Could be tomorrow, could be 6 months, or maybe a little longer but for all the pain you are dealing with now, there is also a ton of growth that is happening but hard to see and feel, but it will be very clear when it's all said and done. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Rewiring means you are going to have to do things differently. What are you doing differently?
You know how many recommend focusing back on yourself, finding out what you enjoy etc. It can be a great distraction to get your mind off your worries, for sure, but the real advantage is making new memories for yourself and picking up interests (old or new).
You were married, man now living in a van exited and there you are. What has changed? I'm sure your house feels pretty empty now your AH has exited.
When we look back on things like this, it's easy to point out the madness, what was I thinking, what was I doing, why did I put up with THAT?? Those kinds of questions are really important, in increments. If you lay too much of that at your feet at once, it can have you questioning your perceptions and even your very self. Are my perceptions good? Do I make good choices? Am I really annoying? Don't make good decisions? Do I ask too many questions? etc etc.
Well no, none of those things are true but your self confidence has taken a beating and it will take time for you to get back on an even keel. This is where your therapist or a trusted friend (or us!) can help along the way. If you are unsure of something, run it by someone trusted. I've done this before, you probably have too, you probably did when you joined SR. Am I seeing this right, what's your take on it? Doesn't mean someone makes your decisions for you, just that outside perspectives can help temporarily to give you confidence that yes, you are seeing this correctly. Take those opinions and make your own of the - take what you like and leave the rest variety.
I agree with California, go out there and try something new, small steps, maybe for the first 5 times out you just walk in the water and watch others. Maybe talk to 1 person, whatever you are comfortable with. It may be kind of scary, keep at it, you will feel better and start to feel more confident the more you persist.
Isolation is not good for you right now but to build up your self-esteem you have to do esteem-able things, whatever those are for you, whether it's cleaning the house from top to bottom, or learning to surf. Accomplishing things, meeting people, making new great memories.
You are feeling very vulnerable, I get it. Try to put that aside as much as you can, you are strong, you are going to be ok.
You know how many recommend focusing back on yourself, finding out what you enjoy etc. It can be a great distraction to get your mind off your worries, for sure, but the real advantage is making new memories for yourself and picking up interests (old or new).
You were married, man now living in a van exited and there you are. What has changed? I'm sure your house feels pretty empty now your AH has exited.
When we look back on things like this, it's easy to point out the madness, what was I thinking, what was I doing, why did I put up with THAT?? Those kinds of questions are really important, in increments. If you lay too much of that at your feet at once, it can have you questioning your perceptions and even your very self. Are my perceptions good? Do I make good choices? Am I really annoying? Don't make good decisions? Do I ask too many questions? etc etc.
Well no, none of those things are true but your self confidence has taken a beating and it will take time for you to get back on an even keel. This is where your therapist or a trusted friend (or us!) can help along the way. If you are unsure of something, run it by someone trusted. I've done this before, you probably have too, you probably did when you joined SR. Am I seeing this right, what's your take on it? Doesn't mean someone makes your decisions for you, just that outside perspectives can help temporarily to give you confidence that yes, you are seeing this correctly. Take those opinions and make your own of the - take what you like and leave the rest variety.
I agree with California, go out there and try something new, small steps, maybe for the first 5 times out you just walk in the water and watch others. Maybe talk to 1 person, whatever you are comfortable with. It may be kind of scary, keep at it, you will feel better and start to feel more confident the more you persist.
Isolation is not good for you right now but to build up your self-esteem you have to do esteem-able things, whatever those are for you, whether it's cleaning the house from top to bottom, or learning to surf. Accomplishing things, meeting people, making new great memories.
You are feeling very vulnerable, I get it. Try to put that aside as much as you can, you are strong, you are going to be ok.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Pain, especially emotional pain, doesn't last forever. It just seems that way. And lordy, it DOES hurt.
Pain is our body and mind's way of telling us that something needs taking care of, it's a warning system that doesn't go away no matter how hard we stuff it. It's a cliche but it really does make us stronger.
A wise member here once told me that the only way through pain is to look it square in the eye and walk through it.
I am glad you have therapy and support here to help you. You don't have to walk this path alone. We're all walking with you.
Hugs
Pain is our body and mind's way of telling us that something needs taking care of, it's a warning system that doesn't go away no matter how hard we stuff it. It's a cliche but it really does make us stronger.
A wise member here once told me that the only way through pain is to look it square in the eye and walk through it.
I am glad you have therapy and support here to help you. You don't have to walk this path alone. We're all walking with you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 2
Just a thought...
You mention normal adulting. What I came to realise is that I had a very warped view of what
normal adulting looked like
Asking "what do you want for dinner", seems like such a normal thing but in my family of origin when I'm asked this I now want to run for the hills....why?
Because it comes with resentment at the time made making it... million questions about how good or bad it is...a load of compliment fishing while the person seeks to have their deep rooted insecurities bolstered...and then there used to be the comments on how much I did or didn't eat and my weight....oh and eventually they'd be whisked off on holiday saying how much they needed a break from us after all the stress we had caused.
It didn't matter what we did or said this pattern would play out.
If we prepared our own or cooked for the family it would be picked apart and corrected or laughed at or checked up on and it was certainly never good enough for the head of the household (words which came from the spouses mouth not theirs)
For me it is easier and more enjoyable to grab myself a sandwich than to go through being cooked for by this person
There are also the delayed complaints of them not wanting to eat what they served...but did they ever say what they wanted whilst pushing for an answer of what we did
I give this illustration not to say you are doing this or to say your ex was innocent (he was clearly reactive and rude and not being straight with you or considering you in saying that)...but I give it to show you that what I learnt on here and at al anon is that very often I found myself looking at their behaviour rather than my own.
when I looked at my own and where I got my norms from I found I had an awful lot that I could do to make my life happier and healthier
You mention normal adulting. What I came to realise is that I had a very warped view of what
normal adulting looked like
Asking "what do you want for dinner", seems like such a normal thing but in my family of origin when I'm asked this I now want to run for the hills....why?
Because it comes with resentment at the time made making it... million questions about how good or bad it is...a load of compliment fishing while the person seeks to have their deep rooted insecurities bolstered...and then there used to be the comments on how much I did or didn't eat and my weight....oh and eventually they'd be whisked off on holiday saying how much they needed a break from us after all the stress we had caused.
It didn't matter what we did or said this pattern would play out.
If we prepared our own or cooked for the family it would be picked apart and corrected or laughed at or checked up on and it was certainly never good enough for the head of the household (words which came from the spouses mouth not theirs)
For me it is easier and more enjoyable to grab myself a sandwich than to go through being cooked for by this person
There are also the delayed complaints of them not wanting to eat what they served...but did they ever say what they wanted whilst pushing for an answer of what we did
I give this illustration not to say you are doing this or to say your ex was innocent (he was clearly reactive and rude and not being straight with you or considering you in saying that)...but I give it to show you that what I learnt on here and at al anon is that very often I found myself looking at their behaviour rather than my own.
when I looked at my own and where I got my norms from I found I had an awful lot that I could do to make my life happier and healthier
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Hilltops
P.s. it won't go on forever if you do the work! Hard...frustrating...tiring....but so worth it.
I seem to be coming up with a new program to work all the time.
I thought Codependency was the last one, but a big component of an issue I just dealt with was ACA.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Funny thing, Hilltops...
I seem to be coming up with a new program to work all the time.
I thought Codependency was the last one, but a big component of an issue I just dealt with was ACA.
I seem to be coming up with a new program to work all the time.
I thought Codependency was the last one, but a big component of an issue I just dealt with was ACA.
I suspect I will be working on myself for the rest of my life which I am fine with. I don't want to stagnant. I want to always be growing and moving forward.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by sage1969
I think everyone feels the pain and grief of separation and divorce differently. I have been through several relationships where addiction was an issue, but the most recent, leaving my XABF broke my heart. I still love him but know it won't work out, that I have changed, and he has to be both sober and in recovery. But the emptiness, the loss, that has taken time to fade, and some days it does still hit me pretty hard.
Get really solid with who you are and what you want in life. Take time to love yourself. As you heal, you will feel better about making friendships, and if you are working on maintaining good boundaries, you will be able to build healthy friendships. It took me some time to want to be around people at all, and at first I was hesitant to make any new friends.
It might be helpful to work with your therapist if there's trauma that you need to heal (there are good ways to treat PTSD like EMDR). Sometimes also it's normal in the grief process to feel trauma.
It takes time to heal from grief. When my AH passed away, I was told to not make any serious decisions for a full year. And turns out that was good advice. There are still months of time that I don't remember at all.
You're only three months out. It's not easy to heal from the loss of a loved one.
Get really solid with who you are and what you want in life. Take time to love yourself. As you heal, you will feel better about making friendships, and if you are working on maintaining good boundaries, you will be able to build healthy friendships. It took me some time to want to be around people at all, and at first I was hesitant to make any new friends.
It might be helpful to work with your therapist if there's trauma that you need to heal (there are good ways to treat PTSD like EMDR). Sometimes also it's normal in the grief process to feel trauma.
It takes time to heal from grief. When my AH passed away, I was told to not make any serious decisions for a full year. And turns out that was good advice. There are still months of time that I don't remember at all.
You're only three months out. It's not easy to heal from the loss of a loved one.
I am sorry to hear you have been where I am at too. I really want to try EMDR. I have heard of it and think that it may be helpful for me... Have you tried it?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I am about 5 months from living wiith an active alkie. My doctor advised me I have ptsd as do most people who have lived with active alcoholism for any time. Being in that stressful environment damages us.
You ask about being nervous to share with other people about things, I am. Is part of the ptsd. My poor battered nervous is in such pain that it is seeing everything as a threat. It feels like they are all judging and criticising me. (much like the alkies in our life did).
I have found it has now got worse, as part of the healing. It gets worse before it gets better. Also I think I was pretty numb and now that is wearing off, I am feeling my emotions more.
Much much worse now.
It has felt horrendous at times. I have never known pain like it. It lasts for a few hours and sudden passes with a feeling of release from my physical body. I sit with it, feel the deep deep pain come up and eventually come out. Initially it came up and out quicker, I sense I am now down to the really deep crud. Most of it nothing to do with late AH, from way before I invited him into my life.
I was writing in another thread, it is very like trying to cough something up that is stuck or may vomit but the stomach is empty and nothing there to come up. It really hurts. So it is real hard work to clear it, then suddenly it shifts and literally comes up and is gone. Within seconds I am back to normal. I mentioned using Yoga to open up to help it out.
As I understand it, it is stuck trauma and old emotions that I wasn't able to feel when they were actually happening. Maybe a year or 20 years ago. Stays in the body as an injury. Needs cleaning out.
I agree with Sage in that not making any decisions for at least a year is a good plan. At the moment I can't even pick what new dress to buy myself, let alone make a sensible life decision.
I hope in amongst all this is something that helps you. If only that you are not alone in this.
You ask about being nervous to share with other people about things, I am. Is part of the ptsd. My poor battered nervous is in such pain that it is seeing everything as a threat. It feels like they are all judging and criticising me. (much like the alkies in our life did).
I have found it has now got worse, as part of the healing. It gets worse before it gets better. Also I think I was pretty numb and now that is wearing off, I am feeling my emotions more.
Much much worse now.
It has felt horrendous at times. I have never known pain like it. It lasts for a few hours and sudden passes with a feeling of release from my physical body. I sit with it, feel the deep deep pain come up and eventually come out. Initially it came up and out quicker, I sense I am now down to the really deep crud. Most of it nothing to do with late AH, from way before I invited him into my life.
I was writing in another thread, it is very like trying to cough something up that is stuck or may vomit but the stomach is empty and nothing there to come up. It really hurts. So it is real hard work to clear it, then suddenly it shifts and literally comes up and is gone. Within seconds I am back to normal. I mentioned using Yoga to open up to help it out.
As I understand it, it is stuck trauma and old emotions that I wasn't able to feel when they were actually happening. Maybe a year or 20 years ago. Stays in the body as an injury. Needs cleaning out.
I agree with Sage in that not making any decisions for at least a year is a good plan. At the moment I can't even pick what new dress to buy myself, let alone make a sensible life decision.
I hope in amongst all this is something that helps you. If only that you are not alone in this.
It is crazy how much I can relate to you. I am so sorry you are going through this too... When you wrote "I was writing in another thread, it is very like trying to cough something up that is stuck or may vomit but the stomach is empty and nothing there to come up. It really hurts. So it is real hard work to clear it, then suddenly it shifts and literally comes up and is gone. Within seconds I am back to normal."... I literally cried cause you explained exactly how it feels.. We are in this together. That is what helps the most ...knowing I am not alone
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Good day to you friends.
Three months is nothing. This takes YEARS and a lot of hard work.
One thing I notice at this stage in my recovery, to borrow from electricians' lingo, is my polarity has changed. I am not attracted to the same people. When I find myself in a situation with addictive behavior from someone, I get the "ickies." In the old days, I used to seek people out that I could "fix."
Just keep working your program. Cry all you need to. And keep coming back.
Three months is nothing. This takes YEARS and a lot of hard work.
One thing I notice at this stage in my recovery, to borrow from electricians' lingo, is my polarity has changed. I am not attracted to the same people. When I find myself in a situation with addictive behavior from someone, I get the "ickies." In the old days, I used to seek people out that I could "fix."
Just keep working your program. Cry all you need to. And keep coming back.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Cookie314
Sometimes the full gravity of your feelings comes in stages and waves. It isn't permanent, but grief takes time to process. I'd almost envision it like being dumped with a box full of Legos. It's gonna take you time to sort through all of them, sometimes people sort them by color first, others by shape, etc. Sometimes you end up stepping on one. Little by little though you'll sort through your feelings and memories from all this.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if you were struggling with ptsd from your experiences. Trauma is different for everyone. You may just be reaching a point of your recovery that is particularly painful and difficult, which makes it harder for you to see the things you didn't struggle through. If you look back through your messages, you'll see the difference in just these few months. I remember when you felt you couldn't make it a single day. You say you're nervous to open up to people, but are able to share your thoughts and fears on here with us. Your stories give you an outlet while also giving others the knowledge they also aren't alone. It's OK to feel how you're feeling right now, just remember how far you've already come too.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if you were struggling with ptsd from your experiences. Trauma is different for everyone. You may just be reaching a point of your recovery that is particularly painful and difficult, which makes it harder for you to see the things you didn't struggle through. If you look back through your messages, you'll see the difference in just these few months. I remember when you felt you couldn't make it a single day. You say you're nervous to open up to people, but are able to share your thoughts and fears on here with us. Your stories give you an outlet while also giving others the knowledge they also aren't alone. It's OK to feel how you're feeling right now, just remember how far you've already come too.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Rewiring means you are going to have to do things differently. What are you doing differently?
You know how many recommend focusing back on yourself, finding out what you enjoy etc. It can be a great distraction to get your mind off your worries, for sure, but the real advantage is making new memories for yourself and picking up interests (old or new).
You were married, man now living in a van exited and there you are. What has changed? I'm sure your house feels pretty empty now your AH has exited.
When we look back on things like this, it's easy to point out the madness, what was I thinking, what was I doing, why did I put up with THAT?? Those kinds of questions are really important, in increments. If you lay too much of that at your feet at once, it can have you questioning your perceptions and even your very self. Are my perceptions good? Do I make good choices? Am I really annoying? Don't make good decisions? Do I ask too many questions? etc etc.
Well no, none of those things are true but your self confidence has taken a beating and it will take time for you to get back on an even keel. This is where your therapist or a trusted friend (or us!) can help along the way. If you are unsure of something, run it by someone trusted. I've done this before, you probably have too, you probably did when you joined SR. Am I seeing this right, what's your take on it? Doesn't mean someone makes your decisions for you, just that outside perspectives can help temporarily to give you confidence that yes, you are seeing this correctly. Take those opinions and make your own of the - take what you like and leave the rest variety.
I agree with California, go out there and try something new, small steps, maybe for the first 5 times out you just walk in the water and watch others. Maybe talk to 1 person, whatever you are comfortable with. It may be kind of scary, keep at it, you will feel better and start to feel more confident the more you persist.
Isolation is not good for you right now but to build up your self-esteem you have to do esteem-able things, whatever those are for you, whether it's cleaning the house from top to bottom, or learning to surf. Accomplishing things, meeting people, making new great memories.
You are feeling very vulnerable, I get it. Try to put that aside as much as you can, you are strong, you are going to be ok.
You know how many recommend focusing back on yourself, finding out what you enjoy etc. It can be a great distraction to get your mind off your worries, for sure, but the real advantage is making new memories for yourself and picking up interests (old or new).
You were married, man now living in a van exited and there you are. What has changed? I'm sure your house feels pretty empty now your AH has exited.
When we look back on things like this, it's easy to point out the madness, what was I thinking, what was I doing, why did I put up with THAT?? Those kinds of questions are really important, in increments. If you lay too much of that at your feet at once, it can have you questioning your perceptions and even your very self. Are my perceptions good? Do I make good choices? Am I really annoying? Don't make good decisions? Do I ask too many questions? etc etc.
Well no, none of those things are true but your self confidence has taken a beating and it will take time for you to get back on an even keel. This is where your therapist or a trusted friend (or us!) can help along the way. If you are unsure of something, run it by someone trusted. I've done this before, you probably have too, you probably did when you joined SR. Am I seeing this right, what's your take on it? Doesn't mean someone makes your decisions for you, just that outside perspectives can help temporarily to give you confidence that yes, you are seeing this correctly. Take those opinions and make your own of the - take what you like and leave the rest variety.
I agree with California, go out there and try something new, small steps, maybe for the first 5 times out you just walk in the water and watch others. Maybe talk to 1 person, whatever you are comfortable with. It may be kind of scary, keep at it, you will feel better and start to feel more confident the more you persist.
Isolation is not good for you right now but to build up your self-esteem you have to do esteem-able things, whatever those are for you, whether it's cleaning the house from top to bottom, or learning to surf. Accomplishing things, meeting people, making new great memories.
You are feeling very vulnerable, I get it. Try to put that aside as much as you can, you are strong, you are going to be ok.
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Originally Posted by California123
You mentioned surf boards in a previous post...wouldn't be a bad idea to dust one off and start using it, surfing is the best therapy there is! And you'll likely be surrounded by large groups of guys, many that are probably pretty great people---new and healthy potential friends and when the time is right, maybe more.
I've always found that the best way to heal after a tough time is getting outside, doing the things you love and/or finding new hobbies, surfing has always been at the top of this list.
As for the time frame, you just have to take it one day at a time and know that at some point you will heal. Could be tomorrow, could be 6 months, or maybe a little longer but for all the pain you are dealing with now, there is also a ton of growth that is happening but hard to see and feel, but it will be very clear when it's all said and done. Hang in there!
I've always found that the best way to heal after a tough time is getting outside, doing the things you love and/or finding new hobbies, surfing has always been at the top of this list.
As for the time frame, you just have to take it one day at a time and know that at some point you will heal. Could be tomorrow, could be 6 months, or maybe a little longer but for all the pain you are dealing with now, there is also a ton of growth that is happening but hard to see and feel, but it will be very clear when it's all said and done. Hang in there!
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
Sometimes the full gravity of your feelings comes in stages and waves. It isn't permanent, but grief takes time to process. I'd almost envision it like being dumped with a box full of Legos. It's gonna take you time to sort through all of them, sometimes people sort them by color first, others by shape, etc. Sometimes you end up stepping on one. Little by little though you'll sort through your feelings and memories from all this.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if you were struggling with ptsd from your experiences. Trauma is different for everyone. You may just be reaching a point of your recovery that is particularly painful and difficult, which makes it harder for you to see the things you didn't struggle through. If you look back through your messages, you'll see the difference in just these few months. I remember when you felt you couldn't make it a single day. You say you're nervous to open up to people, but are able to share your thoughts and fears on here with us. Your stories give you an outlet while also giving others the knowledge they also aren't alone. It's OK to feel how you're feeling right now, just remember how far you've already come too.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if you were struggling with ptsd from your experiences. Trauma is different for everyone. You may just be reaching a point of your recovery that is particularly painful and difficult, which makes it harder for you to see the things you didn't struggle through. If you look back through your messages, you'll see the difference in just these few months. I remember when you felt you couldn't make it a single day. You say you're nervous to open up to people, but are able to share your thoughts and fears on here with us. Your stories give you an outlet while also giving others the knowledge they also aren't alone. It's OK to feel how you're feeling right now, just remember how far you've already come too.
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Originally Posted by Ann
Pain, especially emotional pain, doesn't last forever. It just seems that way. And lordy, it DOES hurt.
Pain is our body and mind's way of telling us that something needs taking care of, it's a warning system that doesn't go away no matter how hard we stuff it. It's a cliche but it really does make us stronger.
A wise member here once told me that the only way through pain is to look it square in the eye and walk through it.
I am glad you have therapy and support here to help you. You don't have to walk this path alone. We're all walking with you.
Hugs
Pain is our body and mind's way of telling us that something needs taking care of, it's a warning system that doesn't go away no matter how hard we stuff it. It's a cliche but it really does make us stronger.
A wise member here once told me that the only way through pain is to look it square in the eye and walk through it.
I am glad you have therapy and support here to help you. You don't have to walk this path alone. We're all walking with you.
Hugs
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