2nd Pregnancy With AB -Don't Know What To Do

Old 08-17-2021, 09:37 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: IL
Posts: 12
Question 2nd Pregnancy With AB -Don't Know What To Do

I've been with an alcoholic boyfriend for 10 years. In your 20's, it's confused with partying too much. Then the loud insults in front of friends, punching holes in walls, and neighbors calling cops made me think this was a problem and he needed to quit drinking. That was 6 years ago and he's been in and out of rehab since. During one of his good spells, we got pregnant with our daughter. She's three now. During the pregnancy and after she was born, he went on benders, secretly drinking during the day. We both work from home now but before the pandemic he was drinking at home while I was at work and he was watching our daughter. So I decided to buy a house and get away. He promised (we all know how those go) he wouldn't drink again if he could live with us and so I let him. It lasted about 3 months before he was back at it. I called the cops hoping I could get him removed from the house since it's my place. Apparently they can't unless he's abusive. The cycle kept going, he got better for a few months then go on week long benders, then leave for rehab etc etc. Now I'm pregnant with the second, 5 weeks in, and he's already drinking again. I said I will not go through this pregnancy alone (again) and will abort if he drinks. It's legal in my state. My problem is I'm getting older and my chances to get pregnant again are very slim. But I cannot bring another child into a home with an alcoholic and yet I cannot do it alone. I have no family nearby and my friends are childless so it's a burden for them to just watch one child, I can't imagine having them watch two. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in my situation and stayed? Of if you left, did you keep your baby and become a solo mother of two?
2getheryetalone is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 09:48 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
venuscat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,021
Hi 2getheryetalone s

I have not been in this situation, but I read your post and wanted to say hello s

Gosh what a hard road this has been for you. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this for so long....my best advice is to move on without this guy. And as far as leaving....he can leave. It is your house.

I think that maybe without the stress he is causing you you can make the decision about the baby that YOU want to make.

Sending you love xx ❤️
venuscat is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 10:15 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
sage
 
sage1969's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm a widowed parent of four. My AH was active in his addictions during three pregnancies, and I would have to say that having had babies, raised babies and toddlers, and raised children and teens, that each one of these stages is really difficult to do with an active addict. Add onto that being the main earner and the main everything, it is responsibility; but I did it somehow. I also think about ways in which my children might be healthier and have less emotional and psychological struggles, if they'd not been exposed to addiction and all the other problems that come with addiction. (And I think about ways that I might now be healthier if I'd taken the addict off my plate, how that would have improved my ability to support and care for my family. I have had half a dozen years on my own now, and I can say that it is easier for me to make the right choices for my children than if I were still juggling the craziness. As to the physical day - to - day how - do - I - do - it? That part you just get through it; what you don't finish doing today can generally get done tomorrow).

You might need to some quiet time to list out the benefits of raising children alone vs. raising them in the status quo with an active alcoholic. Believe in yourself: you are raising a daughter, you have your home so you are self - sufficient and able to provide for yourself and your daughter.

In your heart, you already know. Trust in that.
sage1969 is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 11:15 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
hi 2gether, such a stressful situation to be in.

Well, he's not going to quit drinking anytime soon, I think that is a guarantee. I also think that perhaps that might be a good thing to take on board? Lower your expectations for this - accept that he will drink (regardless of what he says). The benefit is two-fold. You know his is going to drink so that can't keep hurting you and it allows you to make a plan for your life/relationship with him with the acceptance that he is who he is.

The support you have is sparse and that can be really tough. First things first:

- You own your own home now and the police will not remove him. Have you asked him to leave, what is your legal standing with regard to the house? Can you just change the locks while he is out or is he considered a resident and you must give him notice somehow? If you are unsure, I hope you will call your local tenant board, or have a consultation with a lawyer.

Since you can't have him around your child I think that's the first most important step, protecting yourselves.

- Support, you need it! Have you reached out to your local organizations at all? There may be a variety of supports available to you that you aren't even aware of yet. Subsidized child care for instance, financial supports. Once you have all that information you will be better armed to make the decision you need to make.

- Domestic violence organizations have a wealth of knowledge and can probably refer you to a lawyer and let you know about support for you that may be available, or certainly point you in the right direction to get started. Don't be hesitant to give them a call, they are there to help and will be happy to.

trailmix is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 11:20 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoberLeigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,775
I am so sorry for what brings you here, 2getheryetalone.

Following up on trailmix’s post, here are a couple of links that you may find useful.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKE wiUvJS51bjyAhXDtTEKHdS4D_cQFnoECAUQAQ&url=https%3A %2F%2Fwww.dhs.state.il.us%2Fpage.aspx%3Fitem%3D302 75&usg=AOvVaw3TXZ4cTRwnS40vuLZvOTOr

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKE wiUvJS51bjyAhXDtTEKHdS4D_cQFnoECAMQAQ&url=https%3A %2F%2Fwww.ilcadv.org%2Fget-help%2F&usg=AOvVaw3daDWE--V_WUwN1KMSYmof


SoberLeigh is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 04:40 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I would be really careful using something like your pregnancy as leverage against his drinking. I'm not saying this as a comment on whether you should abort or not, that is entirely your choice. That choice should be made for yourself though, not in response to him. If you feel you cannot raise another child, particularly in a situation where he is in active addiction or you are left alone, then the choice is entirely your own. But putting it on him in that way "if you drink then I will abort" will only hurt you both.

When he's in active addiction, he's not thinking about your welfare, your children's welfare, or even his welfare. His primary concern is feeding and protecting that addiction. If you say you will abort if he drinks, what if he continues to drink, but you don't truly want to abort? Either you keep it and show your boundaries are threats you may not follow through with, or you abort and that seed of resentment about that loss is firmly planted.

I have no answer for you as to what the best choice would be. I've never wanted kids, and besides my stance on abortion have no frame of reference for what you are going through. What you said just stuck out to me though. I don't mean it as condoning or condemning whatever choice you make. I only wanted to comment the choice should be made entirely for yourself, free from his influence. I know it's impossible to completely separate him from that choice, since you need and want his support in this. I just meant that he is going to continue in active addiction until he is ready and committed to recovery. He has already shown with your first child that being a parent will not stop his drinking, which means another child will likely also not stop him. If you base your choice on the hope he will stop, it is a recipe for disappointment. Take him as he is now, addiction and all into account, then make the choice for yourself.
Cookie314 is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 05:00 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: IL
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Cookie314 View Post
I would be really careful using something like your pregnancy as leverage against his drinking. I'm not saying this as a comment on whether you should abort or not, that is entirely your choice. That choice should be made for yourself though, not in response to him. If you feel you cannot raise another child, particularly in a situation where he is in active addiction or you are left alone, then the choice is entirely your own. But putting it on him in that way "if you drink then I will abort" will only hurt you both.

When he's in active addiction, he's not thinking about your welfare, your children's welfare, or even his welfare. His primary concern is feeding and protecting that addiction. If you say you will abort if he drinks, what if he continues to drink, but you don't truly want to abort? Either you keep it and show your boundaries are threats you may not follow through with, or you abort and that seed of resentment about that loss is firmly planted.

I have no answer for you as to what the best choice would be. I've never wanted kids, and besides my stance on abortion have no frame of reference for what you are going through. What you said just stuck out to me though. I don't mean it as condoning or condemning whatever choice you make. I only wanted to comment the choice should be made entirely for yourself, free from his influence. I know it's impossible to completely separate him from that choice, since you need and want his support in this. I just meant that he is going to continue in active addiction until he is ready and committed to recovery. He has already shown with your first child that being a parent will not stop his drinking, which means another child will likely also not stop him. If you base your choice on the hope he will stop, it is a recipe for disappointment. Take him as he is now, addiction and all into account, then make the choice for yourself.
So true and I suppose it's worded weird. I said it to him I would not want to have another child if he drinks because that's what I'm truly thinking, not using it as a threat so that he knows where I stand. I know enough that threats don't work. I appreciate the feedback! I don't expect him to quit drinking. I was curious if anyone just stuck it out with an alcoholic and how it ended up.
2getheryetalone is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 05:14 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by 2getheryetalone View Post
So true and I suppose it's worded weird. I said it to him I would not want to have another child if he drinks because that's what I'm truly thinking, not using it as a threat so that he knows where I stand. I know enough that threats don't work. I appreciate the feedback! I don't expect him to quit drinking. I was curious if anyone just stuck it out with an alcoholic and how it ended up.
Well my Mother stuck it out for 20 plus years with 3 children. He was still drinking when she left. Alcoholics don't get sober for other people, they get sober when they are ready to (for themselves) and not a moment before. You have zero control over this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)

Having an alcoholic parent is a really dysfunctional thing for a child. It affects them long after they have left home (in a nutshell - you can search Adult children of alcoholics for more info on that).

If you read around the forum you will find many threads where the poster has children. There are very (very) few stories where the sober partner has stayed with an active alcoholic partner and it turned out well (in fact I can't think of any). A couple where they stayed after the alcoholic sought treatment and was successful. You can't have a real, deep, relationship with an active alcoholic. There are many stories here of the damage it is doing to the children.

If you see a post from someone whose story you want to view from the beginning of them posting:

- Click on the person's username, above where their avatar is or would be
- Choose - View public profile
- Once there click on the Statistics tab to choose either Find all posts by or Find all threads started by.

A quicker shortcut is you can just view all posts by clicking on their name and choosing that from the drop down.

You might find this posters story relatable: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-problems.html (Marriage Problems vs Addiction Problems)


trailmix is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 06:02 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: IL
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Well my Mother stuck it out for 20 plus years with 3 children. He was still drinking when she left. Alcoholics don't get sober for other people, they get sober when they are ready to (for themselves) and not a moment before. You have zero control over this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)

Having an alcoholic parent is a really dysfunctional thing for a child. It affects them long after they have left home (in a nutshell - you can search Adult children of alcoholics for more info on that).

If you read around the forum you will find many threads where the poster has children. There are very (very) few stories where the sober partner has stayed with an active alcoholic partner and it turned out well (in fact I can't think of any). A couple where they stayed after the alcoholic sought treatment and was successful. You can't have a real, deep, relationship with an active alcoholic. There are many stories here of the damage it is doing to the children.
Thank you! Actually putting it that way, that there hasn't been any successful outcomes staying with an addict is truly eye-opening for this first-timer to the site. I've been to Al Anon before and need to start going again but it's incredibly reassuring to know that if I do this alone it's better than doing it with an addict.
2getheryetalone is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 06:07 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: IL
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by sage1969 View Post
I'm a widowed parent of four. My AH was active in his addictions during three pregnancies, and I would have to say that having had babies, raised babies and toddlers, and raised children and teens, that each one of these stages is really difficult to do with an active addict. Add onto that being the main earner and the main everything, it is responsibility; but I did it somehow. I also think about ways in which my children might be healthier and have less emotional and psychological struggles, if they'd not been exposed to addiction and all the other problems that come with addiction. (And I think about ways that I might now be healthier if I'd taken the addict off my plate, how that would have improved my ability to support and care for my family. I have had half a dozen years on my own now, and I can say that it is easier for me to make the right choices for my children than if I were still juggling the craziness. As to the physical day - to - day how - do - I - do - it? That part you just get through it; what you don't finish doing today can generally get done tomorrow).
THANK YOU for this. I needed to hear it from someone who went through it. There are many wonderful happy moments but the bad moments are really bad and my daughter is understanding words now or laughing when he's drunk and mocking or degrading me infront of her cause she thinks he's being silly. And worse, she's repeating it. And getting some time alone will help me realize if I can raise another child on my own but I don't have much time to decide that. Overall time alone is what's needed for sure. When hes gone the house is calm and I'm more successful in my day. I'm so sorry you had to go through it for so long. You're strong if you leave but your strength is truly tested if you stay.
2getheryetalone is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 07:18 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
sage
 
sage1969's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by 2getheryetalone View Post
THANK YOU for this. I needed to hear it from someone who went through it. There are many wonderful happy moments but the bad moments are really bad and my daughter is understanding words now or laughing when he's drunk and mocking or degrading me infront of her cause she thinks he's being silly. And worse, she's repeating it. And getting some time alone will help me realize if I can raise another child on my own but I don't have much time to decide that. Overall time alone is what's needed for sure. When hes gone the house is calm and I'm more successful in my day. I'm so sorry you had to go through it for so long. You're strong if you leave but your strength is truly tested if you stay.
In hindsight, for me, there weren't happy moments with my AH. There were many moments I wish I could've spared my children from going through, and my naivete that every time he promised things would change, that I believed it.

The other thing I didn't share in the response to your post, but I have in other posts, is that I grew up with an alcoholic parent and grandparents. Children of alcoholics have definite lifelong issues, and if you can spare your children this, you should.

And of course, really think about yourself in this decision. Is this the life you want to lead?
sage1969 is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 08:13 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
The dilemma of being a single parent became easier when (she acted, and I felt like) she was another child. The day-to-day drama ended or was very quiet plus the kids were safe. I didn't have to worry about their safety every time I heard an ambulance.
AlwaysGrowing is offline  
Old 08-17-2021, 08:22 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: IL
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
The dilemma of being a single parent became easier when (she acted, and I felt like) she was another child. The day-to-day drama ended or was very quiet plus the kids were safe.
Exactly. The drama every day and even when he's sober it's me searching for the bottle he's surely stashed for later or suspicious everytime I hear a hiccup or he drops something. It's totally like having another child around to watch. Today he broke a glass as he fell into the kitchen island. Attempted to sweep (because he's not drunk right) , but left huge shards on the floor. With a three year old, I had to clean up after him to protect her. It's too much!
2getheryetalone is offline  
Old 08-18-2021, 06:04 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
PeacefulWater12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
My parents split up when I was 12. Alcoholic father, codie mother.

It was a huge relief to myself and my siblings. Once the alcoholic was gone, things got a lot better.

It would have been much less damaging to us all if they had split up many years before they actually did.

PeacefulWater12 is offline  
Old 08-18-2021, 07:19 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: IL
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 View Post
My parents split up when I was 12. Alcoholic father, codie mother.

It was a huge relief to myself and my siblings. Once the alcoholic was gone, things got a lot better.

It would have been much less damaging to us all if they had split up many years before they actually did.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm happy to know that it is indeed better and perhaps happier outlook for my child if we do this journey alone. I appreciate your response. It's helping me cope with this decision more than you know.
2getheryetalone is offline  
Old 08-18-2021, 08:51 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
advbike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,547
Originally Posted by 2getheryetalone View Post
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm happy to know that it is indeed better and perhaps happier outlook for my child if we do this journey alone. I appreciate your response. It's helping me cope with this decision more than you know.
It will be WAY better for you and your child to do it alone. Living in an alcoholic household really messes the kids up.. FOR LIFE. My dad was alcoholic, my mom was somewhat codependent, then they divorced and he was mostly gone out of our lives - but that creates another problem for boys - the absentee father. So although I had a successful career, I have had problems relating to women my entire life, with many failed relationships, and have most traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, plus I am very codependent myself.

Please do not raise children with an alcoholic in the home. It just creates chaos and lifelong disorders for the children.
advbike is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:56 AM.