Gru

Little mess is probably not possible. My heart already hurts but I'm ready to leave. ABF is drunk right now and mad at me I guess. Or just passed out. I said the wrong thing, as one does when not matching the enthusiasm of a ready -to- pass- out person. My insides are just a jumble of squiggles like a kids drawing where they hold the pencil really tight.

But something happened to speed up my realization that the world isn't this effed up sad lonely bubble I made for myself. I joined a community band and am playing corny lovely band songs. And I started watching surfing documentaries and am signing up to try. I'm trying to change enough to shift this situation.
​​​​​​​ But I'm still scared and confused about the logistics. Do I...stay at my mom's house for a week? That would be rough. Do I rent a weird Airbnb room? Do I stay here until he leaves? It's my house. I know he'll go eventually. (When? Housing is scarce and expensive) I just don't want the drama and I want space. Immediately. It's hard to figure it out. I guess I have to do it in person. Ugh. I know he's just going to walk away as soon as I say anything. As he's done before. But this time I'm not running after. So I need a plan.

trailmix

Well a plan is probably a good idea. If you have a tenants board in your city or state I would look up information online or even call them and tell them about your situation. Just to ensure that you don't (or do) need to give him notice to vacate. Under the law he might be considered a tenant, so that's the first thing to check, in case he wants to be difficult. If you do need to give him notice, also check to see what the eviction procedure is.

If none of that applies and you are ok with leaving him in your house for a week, I think leaving for a week is a good idea, try to find a "normal" BnB room perhaps, or weird, it's only a week, could be a new experience!

I'm not sure how much stuff he has but you could flip that and offer to pay for a bnb for him for a week instead if he will leave in a day or so.

Not your problem, so I wouldn't worry about this part. Give him a deadline depending on what you find out (even if they say he needs a months notice or whatever, you don't have to discuss that with him, tell him to be out in a week, or a day etc).

He won't have time to walk away because you aren't discussing it, you are telling him what you are doing. Mr. ex, I need you to move out within a week. No need to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). If he wants to have a conversation about it later, that's ok. If he won't sit for a civilized discussion, nothing you can do about that and no need to go after him.

I don't know him which is why I suggest checking out the laws. If he is the type to dig his heels in, you want to make sure you have all the information you need to get him out of your house.

Gru

So helpful. Especially JADE. That is so what I don't need to do.

2getheryetalone

I know in my situation my ABF refuses to leave with stipulations like 'I'll go to therapy and rehab if you let me stay' or 'i have no where to go, let me stay till I figure it out' and weeks later he never left and we moved past it. I'm still trying to figure it out how to get him out myself and it's been 5 years. I refuse to leave. I already moved out once and bought my own house and now he's here. Even with it being my house there's no way to get police involved unless we're in danger. I think there's some kind of landlord/tenant thing to file but haven't looked into it yet. If you figure it out let me know.

sage1969

There's no bargaining with an alcoholic. They will say whatever they have to, to guarantee they can keep drinking. If it means agreeing to whatever it is that you want, they will. And then they will go back to doing what they want: drinking.

At some point, you will need to make some decisions about how you want to live. And if it means he's no longer in your house, then make that decision, inform him, and then stand by your decision. No bargaining, no letting him stay, no moving past things.

This is a bit like parenting, only an alcoholic is more manipulative than a child. "I've decided you must move out by the end of the week." "I think it's great if you go to therapy and rehab, but you still must move out by the end of the week." "You have a week to figure out where you will go (what about rehab), but you still must move out by the end of the week."

It can be tough to be firm, especially since you have a long relationship history and a child together, but if you want him out, set your boundaries and stick with them.

So here's where your boundaries come into play: don't let him move back in. He is a grownup and can find his own place to live. Don't store his stuff for him. He is a grownup and can pay for storage someplace else. If he wants to visit with his daughter, don't do it at your house. Go to a park or a McDonald's. Your home becomes off limits once he moves out -- because he no longer lives there. (And I would say that once he is out, change all of the locks. It is worth the expense).

Yes, you can look into your municipality's landlord / tenant laws, maybe see if your municipality has a legal help center to advise you. You might need to be proactive and make calls. You can also check with your local domestic violence agency as they might have advice also (even if there hasn't been violence yet, I'm sorry to say that it is a common escalation with alcoholics; it is also common when you want to leave them, so get as much information as possible and they can give you tips on how to get him out safely).

Gru

In my case, I'm pretty sure he wants to leave, not so deep down. It's me who has been holding the relationship together. He will stay as long as I pretend everything is fine. I've always broken it off then apologized and cried us back together. Without addressing any issues. I gotta break through this and stop living like a wraith. Not to say he won't ruin some of my stuff on the way out. He might do that.But, you never know.

Eauchiche

Dear Gru
I rented a room in my home earlier this year to a guy who claimed years of sobriety in AA. After several weeks, he was picked up on a DUI. I immediately drafted a 30 day notice to vacate, had it notarized and served him. I also gave a copy of the notice to a trusted friend in case I ran into trouble.
The guy got a second DUI two weeks later. He left my home by the date I specified and moved out of state. Last I heard, he was homeless.

During this process, I felt fear. I think anybody would. Sometimes as family members, the abuser used fear to control us. I realized this quickly and rose above it so I could "conduct business" and get this guy out of my house.

If you can do the same thing and get your ex out, you will quickly feel stronger and better. It is like having a gigantic splinter removed.

sage1969

Gru,
I think sometimes we hold on so desperately for so many reasons, fear, codependency, none of them healthy reasons, and we just need to let go and let Spirit guide us.

My AH told me so many times he wanted to leave, and I held on so tightly, told him I would stand by him as I knew his FOO story and how he'd [said he'd] grown up . . . all it did was prolong my misery for 12 years, and then find out later about all the lies, the hidden truths, and that I wasn't standing by him but had become just a way for him to use me to lie to others.

If he tells you he wants to leave, let him. By crying the relationship back together, you're not mourning him leaving or what happened to start the latest go - 'round. You're crying about how you feel about yourself and your situation and giving away your boundaries. Your sacrifices won't change the situation. (You didn't Cause it, can't Change it, can't Cure it).

If something is important to you, put it away the next time he's not at home, otherwise, recognise they are just things, and not the real reason for avoiding the hard conversation.

velma929

That's because it isn't a police matter. They aren't the arbiters of everything. IF someone is living in your home and you invited them there (or even if you didn't) they have established residency in your home. Removing them is a civil matter. You find out the laws of your municipality/county/state/country, and start the process of eviction. Once you have a decision from the court process, then the police will help you execute an eviction.

Spinner-007

The best thing that I've noticed in your post is that he's your 'ABF', and not 'AH'. I have an 'AW', and after 16 years of dealing with her addiction, I filed for divorce this past June.

As you are not married, I will tell you to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to put as much distance between you and the addict starting now.

As someone else mentioned, you have to plan an exit strategy.

If physically leaving is not realistic, then get as much of your stuff(valuables, cash, etc) out and secured, and see if your mother's ok with holding onto it. If you share any bank accounts, clean them out and open up your own. Cancel any shared credit cards.

Living with the guy for a duration can be a pain, so make yourself scarce. Work any and all available overtime and stock up your cash. Eat with others who can 'lift you up', by suggesting you going over to their place for dinner, maybe bring some ingredients and offer to help cook. Put on some music and make it a fun experience. It's cheaper than eating out but also lets you start socializing and building meaningful relationships. BTW: The musical band thing: AWESOME! The surfing idea is exciting! And know this: your current ABF wants the booze more than time with you, so he may not realize or even mind all that much you're not around anyway...

Just remember that his life and his addiction IS NOT YOURS. Keep 'Living while you're alive'. The light is at the end of the tunnel so keeping doing something, ANYTHING, that keeps you moving ahead to an incredible and wonderful future.