Nyxie

Hi,
It's my first time on here. I broke up with my partner of three years over the weekend because I can't cope with his drinking any more.
In all other respects he's wonderful. He's my perfect man. But he drinks so much all the time and it's ruined so much. He's said before he will quit and I told him to get help. He says he reached out but they never responded but I think he just wasn't ready. I suspect his problems stem from PTSD but he isn't willing to open up about it.
The previous weekend was the final straw. We went camping with my family, as we do every year, he knows how much this time with them means to me. He spent most of the weekend in the tent getting drunk on his own. He acted belligerent when he came out of the tent, drank other people's alcohol after ours ran out and it really upset me. On the final night we all wanted an early night as we had to drive home the next day. He wanted to stay up (the only night he didn't go to bed straight after dinner). My brother in law had to help me get him into the tent. He then threw up in the porch of the tent and got quite belligerent when I was trying to get him into bed. My sister texted me from the next tent and offered for me to come and sleep there. I got him into bed and finally fell asleep at 1:30am. At 4am I woke up to realise he had p**sed himself in his sleep and him, the air mattress and myself were soaked. The next morning I packed up everything from the tent around him and he didn't wake up. I eventually woke him up and got him into the car. He slept the whole way home and then went straight to bed. Leaving me to unpack the car, wash, clean and unpack everything. He didn't mention anything to me about the weekend all week and during that time I made my mind up.
I told him I couldn't cope any more and he said he suspected it was coming. He told me that he thought it was coming but if I hadn't done it this weekend he was going to get himself clean. I really want to believe him but the fact he only said it after I'd broken up with him makes me doubt it. This isn't the first time he's got really drunk and I've had to cover up for him to avoid embarrassment and he struggles to hold down a job.
​​​​I hate seeing him hurting and my own heart feels like it's been shattered. My heart says to give him another chance but my head says no. I'm so torn. He's needs to get sober but I don't think he's ready, I hoped after he lost his driving licence he'd get help but he didn't. I can't bring myself to believe anything is going to change if we try again. I'm devastated as I really though he was the one I'd spend the rest of my life with.
Have I made a huge mistake?

doggonecarl

Sorry for what brings you here.

No.

Read around. You will see the devastation that results from loving an active alcoholic. Words mean nothing. You can only look after yourself and it looks like you are doing that.

Freshstart1111

You did the right thing Nyxie. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I wish I was smart and brave enough to leave sooner. The word you used that stuck out to me was “hope”. I lived in hope that something would change for 18 of the 22 years I was married to AXH. And then realized I was again living in hope that a man I had a close relationship with would change too. Both are still drinking 3 years after divorce and 6 months after stopping contact with friend.

I do still have hope for my friend (though not for my XH). But it’s hope and love from a distance. There is perspective and some clarity from a distance. Understanding that I have said everything that I could and nothing changed. Maybe I’ve planted enough of a seed.

But I know that I can’t live with the alcohol problem. My anxiety is less now that I’ve broken contact. I still think about and pray for him. But it’s up to him to change on his own and he’ll only do it when he’s ready. And he’s not ready. And the change won’t be for me.

One thing someone told me here on SR that I go back to: he probably loves me the best he can and he’s not choosing alcohol over me per se; he’s choosing alcohol over the pain that he feels without it, the pain he is trying to numb.

Stick with your decision. Give it time to get perspective. Read around here. Going back will only prolong the heartache. I know. I lived it.

dandylion

Nyxie.....I concur with what the other posters have said. From what you have shared---it looks, to me, like you have made the only sane decision that you could have for your own welfare.
Being with him did not stop him from drinking....and, returning to the situation, again, will not stop him. He has a condition that is powerful and has "highjacked" his brain, at this point. Total abstinence is the only way he can maintain sobriety, long term. He may get the help that he needs---an d, he may not. You have no control over whether he will or not.
You can only control the decision that you make for yourself.

I realize that coming to this decision is very painful for you and one that you probably never thought you would ever need to make.
You will, by necessity, go through a grieving period---grieving that the relationship didn't go as you wanted and wished that it would have.
You are going to go through at myriad of emotions in the coming weeks/months.
Reality is not always what we want it to be. To bury your head in the sand would only make your life worse and worse. Unless he commits to a program of permanent abstinence, the alcoholism will just continue to progress.

You can get through this---I hope that you will stay around on the forum.

velma929

You made the right decision.

My late AH's behavior wasn't that dramatic early on in our relationship. Truthfully, if it had been, I wonder if I'd have had the self-esteem to walk out. He became more and more addicted as time went on. I spent many years hoping he'd see the light and quit. Hope was just disappointment deferred, in my case.

I was in the process of planning my life alone when my alcoholic husband told me he had lung cancer. At that moment, I realized leaving him then would be heartless, and his prognosis was only about two more years, anyway. We would have had our 25-year anniversary that summer. I guess people would have expected us to have some kind of celebration, but obviously it would have been a sham. In my mind, the marriage had been over for years.

ironwill

Nyxie,

You did not make a huge Mistake. You found your inner strength to realize that this is not the life you want to live. Yes, your heart will fight your head, but right now you need to listen to your head. You will read it on this forum of all the perfect companions when they are not drinking. But their lies the rub. They are always looking for that next drink.

Him saying he was going to cleaned up and saying he knew the breakup is coming is his way over trying to get power over you and for you to feel sorry for him. If he really wanted to get cleaned up. He would. He is the only person that can. There is nothing you can say or do that will change his mind.

Why Breaking up with someone you care about and want to help is truly hard on the heart. You made the right choice for you happiness. You need to focus on you and what makes you happy. You can get a lot of help here. Keep coming back and keep posting. Most of all keep being strong.

Nyxie

Thank you everybody for your replies and advice. Deep down I know that I've made the right decision I just didn't expect it to hurt this much. I thought because I'd made my mind up it would be easier. But seeing him in pain and knowing I could stop it makes it so hard. I love him but that isn't enough, I have to do this for me.
Hearing from all of you makes it easier though. Knowing that I'm not alone and that this is the right choice. Thank you.

SparkleKitty

His pain is much greater than even the loss of your relationship. His pain existed before you ever entered the picture.

You couldn't stop it before and you won't be able to stop it by returning. All you can do by going back is reinforce that he doesn't have to actually change to get what he wants.

He can't quit for you, no matter what he says. Even if he stopped for you, he would eventually find his way back to drinking because he doesn't really want it for himself.

trailmix

hi nyxie. Sorry you are in this situation. Yes, it hurts, even when you've made up your mind. There was a reason you were with him in the first place, I'm sure he has some really good qualities too, however, that can't take away from the real problem here.

You're right, it isn't enough. You can't have a true, deep relationship with an addict. It's just not possible. Their main focus is alcohol.

It's sad and I'm sure you wish you could help him, however, you really can't. Getting sober and in to recovery (the in to recovery part is very important) really has to come from him. Not because he is waiting to see if you are fed up, because of a deep desire to quit drinking. It doesn't sound like he is there right now. He might even stop drinking now for a week or a couple of weeks, to "prove" to you he means it, but truly, unless he is seeking help, that will be short lived.

The in-recovery part I mentioned means he would actually be seeking help, whether that is AA, therapy or another group, to address why he is where he is.

If? What if you hadn't, does that mean he didn't plan to get clean? This sound like bargaining, trying to keep the status quo. If he wants to get sober he will, whether you are cleaning up after him or not, whether you broke up with him or not, whether it rains today - or not.

Remember, he hasn't died or moved to another country, he is still here, perhaps that takes away some of the panic you may feel. If you decided to go back right now, just be ready for more of the same. It will hurt for a while, it will take time, but you will heal.

I hope you will keep posting.

Cookie314

I'm sorry Nyxie, when I read this it actually made me laugh from the striking similarity to the end of my relationship with my BF before my AH. The ship had been sinking for a while with my BF, but neither of us were able to pull the plug. One of the times I tried to break up with him (yes, it took multiple attempts) he said something much the same. While telling him I wanted to break up, he went on about how he wanted to break up too, but now he really thinks we have a chance to stay together and work things out! How wonderful! Naturally it's he who wants to work things out, I was the unreasonable one for wanting to end it. Of course! I'm sure you see the parallels here. I would call talking to him felt very similar to being a mouse standing up to a cat. He simply kept batting me down, until I was too tired to stand against him.

I want you to really consider the wording you posted that he said. He thought the breakup was coming before this weekend, and decided to get clean, but only after this weekend (of course.) Then you broke up, so now he can't. How ridiculous! What, he was going to get clean, but now he can't? What bearing do you have on his sobriety? Staying together didn't stop him from drinking before, but now that you pull away from him, he flips it to being your fault that he isn't getting clean now? He may as well have copied his homework from the textbook for addicts and abusers for that grand scheme. Do not let yourself fall for it.


You are not making a mistake. Never forget there was a reason you ended things. After I finally broke up with that BF, I made the mistake of telling him I still wanted to be friends. That led to him mistreating me for months of "friendship" until even my highly calibrated denial could stand it no longer. It's normal to feel hurt and lonely after a breakup. Even a toxic relationship is still a relationship, and losing that connection hurts. It's normal to fear pain and loneliness. Listen to your head though. Make a list of all the bullsh*t he's put you through. When you feel the urge to reach out, reread it, and ask yourself if it's worth dealing with that again. If you still think it is, then feel free to contact him. Just don't expect him to be changed. That mistreatment you experienced before will be sure to return.

If you still really want to return, why not take the time alone first? Get to know and enjoy your own company for a while. It's not like he's disappeared off the face of the earth. Waiting now doesn't eliminate the opportunity for later. That time can give you some peace and perspective while the pain subsides.

sage1969

[I was horrified by your story. My XABF and the other addicts in my life have made some messes, but you had to clean and pack all that? Ugh]

I did actually leave my XABF for about 6 months. I thought I could give him another chance. He was really happy to see me again. I noticed almost immediately that the drinking had progressed. Almost every conversation passed from buzzed to blackout in shorter and shorter amounts of time. I also saw the physical tells, the shaking hands, the stomach issues, and I realised the difference between his personality drunk and dry drunk. I heard him speak sharply to me for the first time ever. And I realised I'd never seen him sober before. Ever.

So I know I can't give him another chance. He would have to be sober *and* in recovery. Whether he can do that, I don't know. He told me more than once what was important to him. This time I'm listening.

Nyxie

Thank you every body. All your words really helped get me through the first few days.
His behaviour these last few days has really brought home to me that I've made the right choice. We are still living together until we can get things sorted out (house, final bills, places to go). Had has drunk almost a litre of whiskey every day for the past 5 days and is making it impossible to get things sorted. He said he wouldn't leave until we'd sorted things so I didn't have to do everything on my own but I'm getting to the end of my tether and just want him out now!
He's stopped going to work and is just sat getting drunk all day while I'm working. I can't pack, I can't clean, I can't do anything because he's just sat there drunk and smoking in the house (which he knows I hate) or is passed out on the sofa. My dog is now refusing to go near him.
I'm struggling to cope with his behaviour. I'm upset too but I'm pulling myself together and trying to get stuff sorted. He's just crying, drink and making a mess.
Not regretting my choice anymore now I've had this glimpse of what my future could have been!

trailmix

Yes you have. I think when you see how someone handles adversity a few times, you can pretty much bet that is how it will be going forward. I knew someone once (not an alcoholic) and anytime something - largeish - went wrong, his reaction was far from acceptable. I said to him one time, is this the way you handle yourself when things don't go right? He didn't answer, but I didn't have to wait long for his answer as it was repeated over and over (we no longer speak - thankfully).

Well it looks like you are going to have to do it alone. I would pack everything that I personally own and would put everything else in one place, like the dining room. Tell him that - say - tomorrow you and he will write up a list of who gets what (or whatever you decide).

Perhaps have the totals for final bills ready, or good estimates even and whomever is paying gets the money now. Are you both moving out? Regardless, I would set a move out date.

There is no use waiting for him, this could go on for weeks. Is there a friend or family member that can help you get things moved/packed and sorted, or a few people even. I know it's a big job, don't count on him.

VikingGF

Nyxie, I fully agree with trailmix, get yourself out regardless of where he goes or when he does it. Again, he is laying the responsibility on you by not participating, so take care of your own business, pay out your portions to whomever gets paid and take your scared dog (this is alarming- did he do something to your dog??) and go. And it's a good idea to block his number for awhile while you catch your breath. If you are inclined to do so, you can check on him in a few weeks, or maybe by then, you won't feel the need. Good luck to you, you are doing the best you can in this situation and most importantly, take care of YOU (and your dog.)

sage1969

As far as sorting bills and such, perhaps go ahead and give written notice for yourself and inform whomever the lease is with that your ex will have to decide his own status but that you are moving and to remove your name from the lease, making certain you pay your share up through your last day and it's via a tracable method so you have records. I'd do the same with utilities and other bills; if they're in your name request a shut down date so he has to switch them to his name. If not in your name, pay your share with tracable funds to keep records. (You can leave a copy of everything on the table so he has written notice and from there it's up to him to switch accounts over or whatever).

It can be daunting but set a move out date and then you've got the financial bit taken care of. Just document everything, take photos of how you're leaving the place, etc so you won't later be liable for damages or trash.

Nyxie

Yes we are both moving out. We've already spoken to the landlords and have a date we have to be out by. I'm heading back to my parents are have already arranged with them when I'll be arriving so now I just need to be able to get on with packing!

No, he's not done anything to my dog. My dog is very gentle and doesn't like drunk people as they're too rough and loud. So he just refuses to be the same room as anyone who is too drunk. A few drinks is ok but he'll just avoid anyone who is particularly drunk. He's always been like this (I had him prior to this relationship)!

That's a good idea. Thank you. I was worried about how to handle it if he wouldn't leave before me. I don't trust him to actually clean the place properly when he's in this state!

I've told him that he either has to pull himself together and help or he has to leave this weekend. I'm moving out next weekend so I need to be packing and cleaning!

Eauchiche

Dear Nyxie
I am sorry to be late to your thread. You have already gotten some excellent feedback from my friends here.
I wanted to point out that, while it might be true his problems began from PTSD, he is creating new trauma for himself by remaining an active alcoholic. There are many people with PTSD who made good choices to find healing instead of self-"medicating" themselves. It goes without saying that he is also inflicting severe trauma on his own body.

My own experience in recovery has an ACA (adult child) component, which came to light recently while I was extricating myself from an unfortunate church experience. When I start wondering why "Daddy" is crazy, and how can I fix him, this is a big red flag. To be honest, your wondering about why your boyfriend is drinking could be a hook for you into an unhealthy mindset.

I'm so glad you are here with us, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.