sage1969

I'm having difficulty with a work situation. I'm in a work group with and must collaborate with an active addict. I'm struggling because my boundaries are not being respected, from either viewpoint of being in recovery or being a codie. I have to complete this work and I'm unable to change with whom I'm working; I need to finish this long-term project for my business to move forward. I've attempted to negotiate some ground rules with the entire group as well as am working remotely as much as possible, but I'm feeling very raw and vulnerable. I'm not certain how long I can keep this up.

trailmix

Well isn't that just what you need!

I take from what you said that there is no way to grey rock or uphold boundaries with this person because your work is too integrated on the project?

Can you give an example?

sage1969

Isn't it just? 😂

After revisiting ground rules the A jokingly 'fessed up to not working sober and that was it. I felt it was like every other time I've felt powerless addressing someone face to face about their lack of sobriety so of course it triggered me in all sorts of ways, including that no one else in the work group seemed to care. That bothered me also, that everyone else is willing to overlook and enable. There were several times that I felt voiceless when my words were changed into something else, not a creative, collective process but being talked over and not heard.

This particular work is highly integrated and does require honesty and integrity and I'm struggling with demanding that from myself, while seeing the group dynamics. I am attempting to work remotely and keep arms length. Part of me wants to just walk away from it, but I do need to complete this project as my business is involved. I began this project with a great deal of trust that I could work with all those involved and I guess over time the dynamics have shifted or I have changed or both.

trailmix

Yes, probably a bit of both. There are kind of two things here - not being heard and the drinking while working.

I worked with an alcoholic woman one time, that regularly came to work intoxicated. If it's of any solace she was the best worker in the group, smart, quiet, fast, accurate (it was payroll). Clients asked for her because she had a reputation of being so good at her work. I hope the person in your group steps up to the challenge. No it's not funny and no it's not ideal, but who knows what else people in a group bring to the table (previous experiences, prejudices, family troubles etc etc), that might affect their work.

So for him, that's his side of the street. Until he shows a pattern - ie: his performance is not up to par because of the drink - that's something best ignored in a work situation like this perhaps?

As for not being heard, how do the others get heard? Are sessions just a free for all where everyone is blurting out their immediate thoughts? There are always those people that can't be held to parameters that involve them not getting their ideas out first, always, and I know a few! Do you have the ability in this group to set down really obvious boundaries? Can you say, for instance, ok folks we will go around the group and hear everyone's ideas on this, no interruptions, a few here aren't actually being heard at all.

Sometimes it helps to point out the obvious.

I was reading something the other day about codependency and the author (I forget who it was, could have been Melody) mentioned that sometimes, for people recovering from CD, they can swing the other way, which can have the same result, as in trying to control non-codependency and their world, if that makes sense. I think it's like anything we learn, it will come naturally to you eventually and won't always be uppermost in your thoughts, but in the meantime it is glaring perhaps. That can be unsettling.

sage1969

I'm attempting approach this by grey rocking and staying on my side of the street, or choosing another street altogether. It's creating some cognitive dissonance, but as long as I'm aware, I'm attempting to do my part of the work without becoming too invested in the outcome. I feel a bit badly that I've divested from the outcome, and that I've pulled back my trust in the entire group, but that's the only way I can see that I can move forward.

We had actually set ground rules at the beginning, and working while chemically impaired was a big no at that time, because there is a safety issue involved, which is a big reason for my problem with all this. After the mea culpas, no one seemed concerned about the safety and liability issues and that really bothered me. As it did not seem to have an impact on anyone else, as I said, my level of trust really dropped. I'm not certain if I will be able to find that again.

Yes, it's always worth considering that the trigger could be the opposite, an entry into some shadow work to be done on my part, the opposite of being a codie, to seeing it lurk in all aspects of life. I'm not saying that's not what it is. I feel more that in this instance a level of trust has been broken, that rather than address it, I'm being placated with a pat on the head and then the group is diving back into work without addressing the problem. So if it's only a problem for me, I'm quite obviously in the wrong place. It's just a matter of trying to get my part of the work done without being invested in the outcome, and I've never been good at that, not giving a **** about my work. I really have a lot of thinking to do about this, if I can continue in this project, and how that will look, and if I can't, how do I bow out.

trailmix

If it's really bothering you and you can find a way to bow out that won't hurt your business too badly, perhaps that is the best call.

Like any boundary, we have to be willing to back it up or we end up unhappy/frustrated etc. Whether that is not having people drink around you or not having people talk over you or around you. It can also mean bending our boundary a bit, temporarily, if we feel that is the right thing to do. As long as we are making that decision. Not moving out from the home where a person continues to drink in the house, for a few months, until you have saved enough to move out or completing a project even though the format is less than stellar. If you make the decision to stay, until the work is done, that is still in your control and still your decision (in case you think you are letting yourself down).

Is there a person in charge of this group or someone who has oversight? Doesn't sound like it and that's a shame.

I've stayed in jobs where I have worked with pretty terrible people, because I believe in myself, I have also walked out of a job where I didn't think I was getting respect. I think it's a personal call here. I hope you will update, if you would like to.