Sober ex
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Join Date: Aug 2021
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Sober ex
Fought tooth and nail with my xagf to got get help. She quit by herself 3 times all for 100 days or a little over for us but always went back to drinking. She's been sober for 6 months as of now and broke up with me right before she went into rehab. She entered a new relationship 2 months ago and is in such a better state and mind. Her medication is finally working for her and she is sober. This new guy is getting the sober version and getting to take her out on all the dates and events I wanted to. She told me he's better for her sobriety than I am. Anyone have any similar stories? Do they ever come back once they are sober? She's the mother of my child and I want our family back together. I never felt like taking her out on dates because they always ended with her drunk or passed out. This guy's gets to take her out and experience the sober girlfriend while I got the alcohol. Just need thoughts and prayers for healing and movement forward.
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Are you sure she is sober? Sometimes partners will do that but secretly be drinking with the new person they are dating. Not saying she is but not having drinking history with someone can feel easier unless she was serious about her recovery. Also only 4 months into sobriety and she’s dating someone serious already? And didn’t come back with an amends to you and your guys child first? My honest opinion is she will be drinking with this new guy eventually if she isn’t already. Not to say people can’t move on but if they move on with out doing the work the same patterns are bound to repeat themselves
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Hi and welcome Borden 
You had two identical threads so I merged them into one for you.
Its a fairly common story. Its unfair I know.
Only time will tell if this new relationship really makes a difference or not - but I think I'm right in saying the odds are not good it will make a lasting difference unless your ex really wants to change.
The most important thing must be your daughter now - focus on what's good for her, and of course for yourself.
You had two identical threads so I merged them into one for you.
Its a fairly common story. Its unfair I know.
Only time will tell if this new relationship really makes a difference or not - but I think I'm right in saying the odds are not good it will make a lasting difference unless your ex really wants to change.
The most important thing must be your daughter now - focus on what's good for her, and of course for yourself.
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Sad as it may be, perhaps she just wants a new "fresh" start. He wasn't privy to her years of drinking, so she doesn't have to deal with any of that with him.
I have to ask, how do you know so much about what they are up to - sober dates and events? Better state of mind? She obviously told you he is "better" for her sobriety.
I would really recommend that you not have these conversations with her, for your own sake. This is hurtful to you and why put yourself through that. This is a fresh new relationship she is in, basically still in the very early days, no need to compare whatever it is with what you two had.
The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to focus more on yourself and your child. Focusing back on yourself and what you enjoy and what kind of life you want to build for yourself will help you to heal. I'm sure you spent several years with her alcoholism being the center of both your worlds, why not see what else is out there. It's hard to break away from, but you can do it. It takes time.
I have to ask, how do you know so much about what they are up to - sober dates and events? Better state of mind? She obviously told you he is "better" for her sobriety.
I would really recommend that you not have these conversations with her, for your own sake. This is hurtful to you and why put yourself through that. This is a fresh new relationship she is in, basically still in the very early days, no need to compare whatever it is with what you two had.
The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to focus more on yourself and your child. Focusing back on yourself and what you enjoy and what kind of life you want to build for yourself will help you to heal. I'm sure you spent several years with her alcoholism being the center of both your worlds, why not see what else is out there. It's hard to break away from, but you can do it. It takes time.
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Originally Posted by Borden1992 
She told me he's better for her sobriety than I am. Anyone have any similar stories?
I agree is she likely to be already drinking or will be soon.
I know this is awful but sadly it is common with addicts, they discard people and move on to fresh new ones, then repeat the whole cycle.
You would be best to put focus on yourself and your child. I am sorry, this is all so horrible.
Have you considered joining Al-anon? Working the program would be a great support to you.
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
What she means is the new person hasn't heard all her lies and alcoholic b/s yet. Also he isn't holding her to any level of responsibility yet. She has a clean slate as far as her past behaviours.
I agree is she likely to be already drinking or will be soon.
I know this is awful but sadly it is common with addicts, they discard people and move on to fresh new ones, then repeat the whole cycle.
You would be best to put focus on yourself and your child. I am sorry, this is all so horrible.
Have you considered joining Al-anon? Working the program would be a great support to you.
I agree is she likely to be already drinking or will be soon.
I know this is awful but sadly it is common with addicts, they discard people and move on to fresh new ones, then repeat the whole cycle.
You would be best to put focus on yourself and your child. I am sorry, this is all so horrible.
Have you considered joining Al-anon? Working the program would be a great support to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by Borden1992
I am in al alon and therapy. I am working on my character defects and working other steps. I have tried moving on but it's hard to see the person you knew was in there to give that version to someone else and to discard the family we had.
Yes, it is very very very hard. Take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
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He is better for her sobriety? So he can fix her where you couldn't? See how ridiculous that sounds? I honestly have to be hopeful with people because of my situation with my son, but that kind of screams untrue. It's hard when you care, and harder when you care and are tied to someone (with me it's my son with you the mother of your child) but none of that sounds like someone who is in recovery. None of it sounds like someone who is being honest with anyone--including herself. Her focus should be on her recovery right now. Your focus should be on your child.
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Perhaps (In a perfect world) having this in common with her partner, having a partner who is facing the same challenge and keeping himself accountable, IS better for her sobriety. I don't really think so, but anything is possible.
Six months is nothing.
I have an ex I spent three years with. He broke up with me multiple times. I finally stopped begging him to take me back. One day he invited me to his sister's summer barbecue. It turned out he'd never told his family we'd broken up. We had been apart over a year. I had moved away, failed miserably at a job, and moved back. He'd somehow maintained the lie that we were still together.
Six months is nothing.
I have an ex I spent three years with. He broke up with me multiple times. I finally stopped begging him to take me back. One day he invited me to his sister's summer barbecue. It turned out he'd never told his family we'd broken up. We had been apart over a year. I had moved away, failed miserably at a job, and moved back. He'd somehow maintained the lie that we were still together.
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Originally Posted by velma929
Perhaps (In a perfect world) having this in common with her partner, having a partner who is facing the same challenge and keeping himself accountable, IS better for her sobriety. I don't really think so, but anything is possible.
Six months is nothing.
I have an ex I spent three years with. He broke up with me multiple times. I finally stopped begging him to take me back. One day he invited me to his sister's summer barbecue. It turned out he'd never told his family we'd broken up. We had been apart over a year. I had moved away, failed miserably at a job, and moved back. He'd somehow maintained the lie that we were still together.
Six months is nothing.
I have an ex I spent three years with. He broke up with me multiple times. I finally stopped begging him to take me back. One day he invited me to his sister's summer barbecue. It turned out he'd never told his family we'd broken up. We had been apart over a year. I had moved away, failed miserably at a job, and moved back. He'd somehow maintained the lie that we were still together.
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Originally Posted by Borden1992
the new partner isn't an addict in anyway. They've just worked together for 3 years and he's always liked her. He's already moved in to her apartment. Only been dating for 2 months.
My first was, "he's going to mooch off her for as long as possible." How does one even get out of a lease that quick?
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Words of wisdom that I heard at Alanon: Don't compare your inside with someone else's outside.
As others have said, you have absolutely no way of knowing what is REALLY going on in this situation. True recovery doesn't happen that fast.
Your best bet is to stay in your own lane, taking care of yourself and your child. She is an adult and has the freedom to make any choice she wants; however, she's not free from the results of those choices, and in the end, I'm betting you will be mighty glad you stayed clear of the eventual fallout.
As others have said, you have absolutely no way of knowing what is REALLY going on in this situation. True recovery doesn't happen that fast.
Your best bet is to stay in your own lane, taking care of yourself and your child. She is an adult and has the freedom to make any choice she wants; however, she's not free from the results of those choices, and in the end, I'm betting you will be mighty glad you stayed clear of the eventual fallout.
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