sage1969

I'm not certain how to describe what I am struggling with. It seems really pervasive this time. I have little interest in anything. At some point I realised that many of the things I used to enjoy doing were because of others' interests, or because they benefited someone else. As I let each of those go, I've not been able to replace those things. I feel off, I can't keep track of what time is it, and some days are harder than others.

I've been attempting to follow a good schedule as far as self - care and I sometimes get through most of that list as far as taking medication, brushing my teeth, showering. I usually get through about half my chores list (I've assigned chores to everyone in the house, so I'm trying not to carry the full burden of housework). I'm not getting very much work done. I feel badly that I'm not spending a lot I time with my children; it's partly that they prefer doing their own things and partly that I physically don't feel well enough to do much.

I'm not sad, and I'm not having full blown anxiety attacks. I'm just really struggling with keeping my mind on anything that has meaning. At this point the only thing I can keep engaged with is reading, so I've been reading quite a bit.

Is this another grief phase? How do I learn to find some sort of balance?

velma929

It sounds like depression, but I'm not a doctor and I don't even play one on TV.

dandylion

sage.......with only a small amount of information about you (like medical background and any treatment history and any medications).....and hearing just what you have shared with us.....I will offer some general comments of how it sounds to me....
Like Velma, there sounds like some elements of depression, mixed with some other dysphoric feelings.
Lord knows----you have enough going on in your life, right now, that there is plenty of reason! .....lol----like a mixed salad of reasons and stuff.
You do have grief going on---and severe stress situations---and, I believe that you have alluded to some medical illnesses (and some medications?)....
That you would feel discontent and find yourself struggling does not sound, at all, difficult to understand, right now.

Any of the things that I just listed, along with any medications can mess with the neurotransmitters in your brain---in particular, serotonin and dopamine. (;lol--you can google them).
All of your situations/conditions can overlap and interface in complex ways that can affect feelings and moods.
I suggest that you report these feelings to whoever is managing your care---because you need the input of someone who knows you very well.

***I will share, with you, something that I once heard during a discussion of grief and depression---and it really stuck with me as a general yardstick....
"Grief has the intensity of a lot of feelings. Whereas, depression is like the absence of enough feelings---feelings of flatness or woodeness--hollow or empty feelings"
Of course, these are very general descriptions...but, I have found this description to be helpful.

A person Can have mixed feelings, at the same time.

PeacefulWater12

I have no answers but I wanted to send you a big, understanding hug.

Glad you have your reading to enjoy, I find it such a blessing.

Introvrtd1

Hi sage…Sounds to me like what I’ve been reading about what you’re feeling: Anhedonia….the feeling of no longer finding pleasure in things or activities that used to give us pleasure…It seems our drinking brain in all its healing is still in recovery…Those neurotransmitters and dopamine receptors are repairing…and the chemical balances are finding the homeostasis. Meanwhile it makes us swing from one extreme to the other.

Not that this is your case but I’m just sharing what I’ve read about what I felt sometimes.

I know one thing….The longer I stay sober, the better it gets…Hang in there.

edoering

The first thing I noticed about my personal ways of experiencing grief was that my productivity went WAAAAAAAY down. Even when I started feeling better, I would have small bursts of enough energy I felt a bit like myself again, and then I would get something done, but before long I was fatigued again.

My friend who lost a lot of immediate family members in her life said for her most recent loss (after lots of experience with loss) it still took her 16 months before she really consistently felt like herself again.

I did also at one point have enough depression in my life that I talked with a doctor and started mild antidepressants. If I had to describe the difference between then and now it would be this:

• with depression, I didn’t want to do anything. I could do things, but being human and being alive didn’t feel good, I would have rather been sleeping because I didn’t have to think or “be” when I was asleep. I felt empty.
• with grief, I want to do things, but I just don’t have enough stamina. I know that certain activities or experiences can bring me joy, I just can’t do them easily or often. And my desires are a lot simpler than normal (a good meal, a walk, a pretty tree or sunset, etc). Basically, I feel like a huge, subconscious part of me is always working on grieving and healing, and that takes energy and brain power, and so I only have a fraction of my usual energy and brain power to use on my daily tasks.

Let me know if either of those resonate with you.

dandylion

edoering's post------this is a really good description of what my experience with depression and grief has been, also.

dandylion

Pursuant to edoering's post.....I just remembered a good example of this from my own grieving process.
Many, many years ago, I went through a grieving process after a very painful breakup. I had the usual gut wrenching emotions of grieving during the several months.
Those who know me, realize that gardening is in my blood----and, my plants and flowers are very precious to me. For me to deliberately let a plant die is tantamount to homicide.
During this time, I was so preoccupied with dealing with my head-space processing, that I barely noticed a Florida Room that was filled to the brim with plants and flowers. In fact, I stopped even walking into that room. as I felt too guilty to see their declining forms. I was a monster to them. I kept my eyes everted.
Eventually, they all passed--except for a couple of the most tenacious ones.
Now, looking back. I can't hardly believe that I let that happen.
That is how much the necessary grieving process can pull us into coping with that whole process.

sage1969

Peaceful, thank you and hugs! It is a blessed distraction, the one thing upon which I seem to be able to focus.

Velma, lol! I needed that!

Dandy, thank you for your thoughts. Sometimes I forget to be patient with myself and demand perfection (codependent, anyone?). As far as medical care, to what I have access is dismal, and most of the time I've had to really advocate for anything even basic. My medical team is quite happy to put me on tons of meds, which I've been resisting. It doesn't make sense for me to be attempting to avoid addiction and face my issues if I turn around and allow them to numb me up again. I am looking for naturopath providers that align with what I feel is right for me, but it all takes time, and I really need to be patient and kind with myself.

sage1969

Introvrtd, actually this really makes a lot of sense. I've had to let go of social media and TV and spending time on my phone, because all I was doing was filling empty space, trying to fill the void left by my XABF and my codependencies. My brain may be sober from alcohol and prescription drug addictions, but it is still healing from the other addictions. As I told Dandy, I need to be kind to myself and give myself some time to heal.

Edoering, yes, this ⬆⬆⬆
This really feels helpful. I'm certain I'm still grieving my XABF; I know there are still months' of time I can't remember after my AH passed away. I guess there is the assumption I'm making that since I'd kept my relationship with XABF fairly private, that I should be able to act like everything is still normal, even though for me it really isn't.

Between my health issues, which limit my functionality anyway, and this grieving process and learning to stand on my own without being codependent, I agree, I'm using a lot of energy and brain power. It makes sense that I might be fatigued after only a few tasks; if my health issues were acting up, I'd be fatigued after only a few tasks, so this is codependency rearing it's head and letting me be really hard on myself.

Dandy, I've always loved gardening, and this is the one thing that I had to let slip in the last few weeks. I've kept myself, my children, and my pets going, but a good deal of my garden died. Part of it was just from sheer fatigue, and part of it was associated with grieving XABF and promises he'd made me about things he was going to help me with both physically and financially in my garden.

As I manage to pull myself together, I can replant parts of my garden, but I've also learnt about myself and what I was allowing to fill space and to be important. Part of my healing process is taking a hard look at how I use resources and to look more closely at how I consume now vs. what I save for the future.