LovelyKaya33333

Hi all

Hope everyone is having a good day I have noticed more and more this last week that I think about him less and less. He is less all consuming for me and I am really beginning to enjoy spending time and having space for and attention for all the other wonderful people I have had in my life for a long time... I can take later evening meetings because I am not attempting to spend time with him and figure out how to be close to a man that is impossible to be close to while actively drinking.

When people in my circle ask me how my day was or how my week went or whatever, I am no longer consumed with the drama drinking brings ... Like today I went to my dads at one point to figure out my divorce papers. While yes it was sad and yes I cried for 30 minutes or so before I went over there.... it wasn't my entire day. I had a friend ask how my day was today and what I did... This was my response ...."It was good. Worked out. Worked. Went to my dads so he could figure out my 57 pages of divorce paperwork for me. He said **** it … lol and he’s paying for divorce lawyer now. Too complicated. Came back home. Worked more. And just got off my last work call with the owner of one of the venues I am running right now, how was your day?"....I didn't realize how much it is just a blurb in my life now.... before it would have been a long detailed drawn out convo on how I was feeling about my divorce... I am so much more clear now. So much more engaged and present for others. My mind isn't spinning with anxiety and I am starting to feel my own soul again. And not just for moments like before. The moments of thinking about my exAH are what are the true moments( 10 minutes here and there ) ... who I am becoming and who I was meant to be and who I remember being before this hurricane of alcoholism and my exAH came into my life is really peaceful. My god when I read through my older posts from 2016 I remember that girl...That constantly spinning girl. It is amazing I actually got anything done with all the craziness in my life due to my exAH drinking....that led to his lying..that led to his betrayals and the roller coaster of me attempting to win him back ... or if he begged me back should I take him back... god I felt emotionally powerless ALL THE TIME. I am so thankful for where I am today. I am sure that there is so much more work ahead of me.... but it is so much easier to do the work now. Grateful for all of you...

PeacefulWater12

A pleasure to read your positive update, Kaya. Thank you for sharing.

NewHeart

My XABF literally told me when we stopped seeing each other that the addiction (our relationship) is all drank up. When I read your title it made me think of that. They are relationships of consumption. Once I left him my relationship with my family dramatically improved since I had space for it but I stopped lying to them about his alcoholism

LovelyKaya33333

He was active in his drinking? And he used that as his analogy? That seems like gas lighting at it’s best. To try to get the focus on your guys addiction to each other… which I’m sure was there … and not take accountability for what HIS drinking did to your relationship … but if he was drinking daily like my exAH then that was manipulative what he said. It’s like if someone is hitting their spouse and they say “I guess I’m al out of punches cause my knuckles are sore and you don’t have anywhere else to hit so I guess we are done”…that is the abuser blaming the person they were abusing. You other post asked about codependency. I think part of my perception changed when I stopped believing my AH ******** … and understanding that active alcoholics change their mind hourly. One minute it could’ve been you are all drank up .. probably the next day it could’ve been you were meant to be… the next day it was cause you were controlling… the following week you were all drank up again. That narrative suits him. I finally started to understand “what addicts do”. I don’t know if you ever read this What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

NewHeart

That's a very interesting way to look at it that it was gaslighting to focus on the relationship itself instead of the drinking. Anything to protect the drinking. The more I talk about what happened the more feedback I receive on him being manipulative and immature and I am genuinely surprised. It's scary to think I was head over heels love of my life in love. It's scary to think that's where my mindset was for 2 years!

He was drinking daily. Yes and about changing his mind. Once when he was wasted he broke up with me at 1am in the morning citing an off hand comment I made about something which I cant remember now as me initiating the break up. He said remember this is what you want. I was sobbing into the pillow and then got up and packed. The next day we were back together....ugh so immature and embarrassing. Then he wanted us to get serious so I told him I need to be honest with my parents about our relationship and then it was wait don't tell them. Then it was I don't want kids then it was I want three and I will leave you if we don't have kids.

So many memories come back when I actually look at the relationship as it was. I can also see with my own addiction of co dependency that I was crazy and all over the map too....was that that crazy in love feeling? Was it the high? Most likely. Which is actually comforting since I don't have to base romantic relationships around how in love/high they get me.

sage1969

When I think about all the promises, all the dreams, yes, it's embarrassing that I believed, that I thought it meant anything. I'm not certain if XABF remembers any of it. I find it heartbreaking to think that for him it's all gone wherever thoughts go in an alcohol - soaked brain, if it even meant anything. I'm sad to see a life wasted.

I also know that I'm no longer part of that story. Two different books in bookcases in different libraries! Sad, but, THE END.

NewHeart

That was the hardest thing for me to leave behind and grieve...the dreams. And then I had to grieve them all over when I realized they had never been serious or viable. They were not viable because of the alcohol number one. Number two was because I realized those dreams would come at a great sacrifice if I were to invest myself in them because of reason number one. Awful. Awful stuff.

It is sad to see a life wasted. I don't know if you believe in the afterlife. I do. I tell myself I will see him in heaven as his true self and as my true self and then we will talk in a pure loving and healthy mannar but not in this lifetime. It helps me to remain firm in my boundaries and accept the reality of those boundaries and also accept the good parts, love, and goodwill to him as a person with a soul.

sage1969

XABF actually contacted me tonight and told me he was happy with our relationship where it was. I told him I wasn't, that his priority was alcohol and there was no room for me.

I do believe in life after this one. And I told him almost what you said, NewHeart. I said that we each had our own journeys to make and that maybe we would be ready for each other in the next lifetime.

I'm still grieving something that was never real, but I'm letting go. It was easier than I thought to say my truth and say what I needed as a person. It really sucked, but it wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be.

Enkbaa

NewHeart and Sage 1969:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, I see what I gone through, the dream I was dreaming and the wasted time, energy and money for the false and unreal things. very sad, after 5 years of relationship which was alcohol dominated. I see very similar thing from your responses here... Its just sad.

NewHeart

Sage, I am glad you were able to speak your truth. It is painful to think it won't happen in this lifetime.

Enkbaa, the unreality of the relationship is part of the grieving isn't it? Sometimes I feel like a fool but dreaming has to be a part of a relationship and life. Thats part of the pleasure. To know that even the dreams were tainted by the drug of alcohol is hard. I look back on what we were dreaming and see now that they were too unrealistic and required too much sacrifice. It would have wrapped me too much in his world and I and the future childre would have been at the mercy of his addiction. I consider my co dependency an addiction so my decision making was impaired too. The dreams I had with him were nice but also involved escaping from the world and subjecting children to an addictive home life which is something I promised myself I would never do. Now I want to live life on life's terms even if it is less exciting. It is healthier.