LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys ... does anyone else feel anxiety when they go no contact and stay no contact? I mean like blocking someone on all ways to contact them. I feel like I have 2 parts that are pulling me in different directions. There is a feeling like screw him, block him... I remind myself of the list of stuff I wrote out when I first came back here a month ago... There was a lot. A lot of lies, a lot of times him and his drinking put me in danger, and multiple times he did extremely hurtful things. However, there is a voice in my head that says... "What if he needs to get a hold of you for X,Y and Z"... even when I write it logically I feel like **** that. He lost the right when he gave me 1 hour notice to let me know he was leaving, moving 2,000 miles away to go crash on his ex wifes couch. The same ex he triangulated me with several times. He left me 2 days before the first with all the rent to pay, bills to pay... Garbage to clean... I was begging him to give me 1 day to wrap my head around what he was doing at least but he left while I was crying in bed... the callous nature of it still makes me nauseated. Thank you for listening. I guess in writing it out I got my answer... As the anger fades I feel like I am going backward in boundaries... Reminding myself of it all makes me remember why I placed the boundary of not being with him if he was drinking... which is what led up to that night anyway. He was drunk (started drinking at 7 am that day) when he left me... So he was drinking from 7am to 4pm and left.

LovelyKaya33333

Never mind. I was just reminded of this when I went to reply to Velma on another one of my threads... "Sorry you had to go through that too Velma...Oddly enough my AH already did that to me. When we separated last year and decided to give it another try... I had let him know that I had been sexual with one person and felt he had the right to know before us sleeping together again. He said he had only been on a few first dates from a dating website but didn't sleep with anyone. So a month into our "getting back together" he decides to get out of his mind drunk and confess to me that not only did he sleep with someone but he fell in love with her...and it gets worse... he tells me all the "feelings he has for her" and how much stronger they are for than the ones he ever had for me. He goes on and on...no joke while I am throwing up in the bathroom crying. It gets worse... he tells me that they had been on trips together and I say well did you end it when we got back together.... the answer was Nope... he had been still talking to her everyday on the phone AND confessed that while he was suppose to be getting more things from his old apartment to move back in with me that morning he was actually on the phone with her for 3 hours!!!!! We had literally just had sex before he left to go tell another women he was in love with her...... He then passed out in my bed while I was crying... I left to go to my sponsors house. The next day he tried to take it all back... That is when we split for the 6 months.... During the split he said he was visiting his kids in Tennessee for a month and he got sober out there... realized that he wants to be sober and make his marriage work. He said he is willing to fly back to California that night to prove to me he is sober... That was in January of this year... I found out a month ago that he wasn't in fact in Tennessee working on sobriety during that time and was ACTUALLY in Texas with "The girl he cheated on me with" living with her. What had actually happened is they got in a fight and he left her "while she was in the shower" to go to the airport and fly back here to me... When I write these things out I think alcohol has a lot to do with it...but maybe he is just a ******* *******".... yep NO contact it is

FallenAngelina

Believe me, if he NEEDS to get ahold of you, he will be able to.

It's really good that you recognize your own anxiety about being separate from him. I know that was incredibly humbling and surprising for me to admit about myself. I began to realize how much I had been participating in keeping the crazy going. It's really good just to recognize the inner conflict. I found it helpful to remind myself that I didn't have to do anything or act, that the recognition in itself was powerful and leading me in the direction I wanted to go.

ironwill

Hi LK,
You need to stick to your boundaries, Keep text open for anything official that you might have to deal with him, but block everything else. He has shown you that he cares about alcohol more then your well being or any responsibility he might have. It good that the anger is fading. what he did to you was hurtful and wrong, but it something you most let go and move on. You have a chance to start you life fresh and without all the stuff that was bringing you such unhappiness. Yes it sucks, but it will get better. Keep being strong and know that we are here for you.

LovelyKaya33333

Never mind. I was just reminded of this when I went to reply to Velma on another one of my threads... "Sorry you had to go through that too Velma...Oddly enough my AH already did that to me. When we separated last year and decided to give it another try... I had let him know that I had been sexual with one person and felt he had the right to know before us sleeping together again. He said he had only been on a few first dates from a dating website but didn't sleep with anyone. So a month into our "getting back together" he decides to get out of his mind drunk and confess to me that not only did he sleep with someone but he fell in love with her...and it gets worse... he tells me all the "feelings he has for her" and how much stronger they are for than the ones he ever had for me. He goes on and on...no joke while I am throwing up in the bathroom crying. It gets worse... he tells me that they had been on trips together and I say well did you end it when we got back together.... the answer was Nope... he had been still talking to her everyday on the phone AND confessed that while he was suppose to be getting more things from his old apartment to move back in with me that morning he was actually on the phone with her for 3 hours!!!!! We had literally just had sex before he left to go tell another women he was in love with her...... He then passed out in my bed while I was crying... I left to go to my sponsors house. The next day he tried to take it all back... That is when we split for the 6 months.... During the split he said he was visiting his kids in Tennessee for a month and he got sober out there... realized that he wants to be sober and make his marriage work. He said he is willing to fly back to California that night to prove to me he is sober... That was in January of this year... I found out a month ago that he wasn't in fact in Tennessee working on sobriety during that time and was ACTUALLY in Texas with "The girl he cheated on me with" living with her. What had actually happened is they got in a fight and he left her "while she was in the shower" to go to the airport and fly back here to me... When I write these things out I think alcohol has a lot to do with it...but maybe he is just a ******* *******".... yep NO contact it is

trailmix

I think you bring up a good question though Kaya, I'm glad you surfed on through that anxiety!

I've felt this before, after going no contact, almost a panic, like what have a done, can it be fixed, was that right, now what?? What, I'll never speak to him again?? (thankfully as it turns out lol).

I found that reading around the web on issues that related to the relationship, that reading old texts (which were so telling in the light of day - but might not be helpful to others) helped me. Like you reminding yourself of the above.

Another thing that helped. My Sister said to me, you know, he didn't actually die, he's still there, you can contact him at any time you know. That helped as well, made it somehow seem less, final?

As it turns out I never did contact him again - (again, thankfully!).

sage1969

Kaya, it is really hard to face these anxieties every day. For some reason my brain resets, and I have to go through it each time, the realisations that my experiences and memories are unique to me; that my XABF, if he even remembers our shared experiences which sadly I'm realising he doesn't, is remembering them in his unique way; and that what I want as a person and as a person in a relationship is going to be vastly different from someone who is focused on alcohol and what he wants, or thinks he wants, or just does random **** because his alcohol soaked brain says it makes sense.

Reading your posts was actually horrifying, that your X put you through all that. I know when I was really in the deep of it, it didn't feel as out of control as it does from the outside looking in, which is kinda where you are now. (And, tbh, where I am now. I think back about each thing and think how could I have possibly felt cherished? Felt connection? Felt trust? Or any of the other things are important to me each time I make a connection with another person).

This is a tough road for each of us to be on, and it's easy to focus on the rocks under our feet or to turn around and look at what is behind us, and think it might be easier because we've been there and know what to expect. Sometimes looking past the road at our feet, and picking things to focus on that are truly wondrous to look at, we can find the parts within us that we can love and develop along the way.

Bekindalways

This so much ^^^ That anxiety and desire to contact the Qualifier is like an alcoholic craving their next drink. Just surf on through it . . . irk . . . easier said than done.

I didn't think I would never talk to my Qualifier again as that was just too difficult. I would often get some type of denial/story going in my head about how it would all work out and we would come back together. Even at that moment, I knew it was poppycock but it gave me a bit of relief from the ongoing pain. Because of this experience, I am a proponent of some denial when necessary or possible just to get through the tough times.