Me again … more crossed boundaries
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Me again … more crossed boundaries
Hi! Been a while since I posted - I thought an update would be in order.
divorce with AH still ongoing. I’m in the UK so have the decree nisi now the decree absolut won’t be granted until the financial side is settled. He is still not playing ball. As expected he’s not responding to legal questions and it’s now going to first directions hearing via a video link with court in September. He’s stopped all communication with me regarding the kids and sees them when he wants but arranges things through our 15 year old son. (He tells me when Dad is picking them up)
It was something I was getting quite comfortable with - no contact with him. I made it clear several months ago he was no longer welcome to visit my home and he seemed to respect that. How wrong I was!!!
I went away with my friend this weekend- to our favourite spa it’s been 16 months since we’ve been able to do this and I left my 24 and 21 year old daughters in charge at home. I didn’t tell AH I was going. He found out though (I think I was tagged in a Facebook post I’ve blocked him but maybe other people saw idk) anyway - so daughter rings me and says “Mum he’s here! And he’s drinking - sat outside on the garden chairs working his way through a pack of beers”
my youngest were thrilled to have Dad there of course - he got bikes out of my shed and was great fun (drunk) riding around with them and they told me what an awesome time they had. He was there all afternoon (but didn’t attempt to enter the house). Edit * daughters are not in a position to challenge him he’s a bully so they just kept the situation as light as possible
i was fuming and it did make me feel really angry and upset and out of control. He 100% did this to sabotage my time away as he’s done this in the past.
I didn’t ring him from my place or text as I don’t want to give him a drama or narcissistic supply. I told my daughter to text me when he left which he did. I could have called the police but what goods that drama when I’m 100 miles away?
Here’s what I’m going to do. I’ve asked my solicitor to write him a strict warning letter that he’s not allowed on my property again or I’ll take legal action. It feels a bit weak to just send a letter to him, and no doubt he will show the kids and say “hey look what your mum did after we had such a great day together she’s put a stop to it happening again” but I will say he’s able to do all these things with them from his own house if they want to!! honestly there’s no speaking to him and me trying to assert my boundaries with him obviously doesn’t work so I need to make it official.
anyway - that’s where I’m at! Still loving the single life and still grateful as hell that I got me and my kids out of that toxic hell living with him!
divorce with AH still ongoing. I’m in the UK so have the decree nisi now the decree absolut won’t be granted until the financial side is settled. He is still not playing ball. As expected he’s not responding to legal questions and it’s now going to first directions hearing via a video link with court in September. He’s stopped all communication with me regarding the kids and sees them when he wants but arranges things through our 15 year old son. (He tells me when Dad is picking them up)
It was something I was getting quite comfortable with - no contact with him. I made it clear several months ago he was no longer welcome to visit my home and he seemed to respect that. How wrong I was!!!
I went away with my friend this weekend- to our favourite spa it’s been 16 months since we’ve been able to do this and I left my 24 and 21 year old daughters in charge at home. I didn’t tell AH I was going. He found out though (I think I was tagged in a Facebook post I’ve blocked him but maybe other people saw idk) anyway - so daughter rings me and says “Mum he’s here! And he’s drinking - sat outside on the garden chairs working his way through a pack of beers”
my youngest were thrilled to have Dad there of course - he got bikes out of my shed and was great fun (drunk) riding around with them and they told me what an awesome time they had. He was there all afternoon (but didn’t attempt to enter the house). Edit * daughters are not in a position to challenge him he’s a bully so they just kept the situation as light as possible
i was fuming and it did make me feel really angry and upset and out of control. He 100% did this to sabotage my time away as he’s done this in the past.
I didn’t ring him from my place or text as I don’t want to give him a drama or narcissistic supply. I told my daughter to text me when he left which he did. I could have called the police but what goods that drama when I’m 100 miles away?
Here’s what I’m going to do. I’ve asked my solicitor to write him a strict warning letter that he’s not allowed on my property again or I’ll take legal action. It feels a bit weak to just send a letter to him, and no doubt he will show the kids and say “hey look what your mum did after we had such a great day together she’s put a stop to it happening again” but I will say he’s able to do all these things with them from his own house if they want to!! honestly there’s no speaking to him and me trying to assert my boundaries with him obviously doesn’t work so I need to make it official.
anyway - that’s where I’m at! Still loving the single life and still grateful as hell that I got me and my kids out of that toxic hell living with him!
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
i was fuming and it did make me feel really angry and upset and out of control. He 100% did this to sabotage my time away as he’s done this in the past.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi RB,
He has diffidently crossed boundaries with his action. You just wanted a nice relaxing trip away and he finds out that your not home. Sitting in your yard in a lawn chair drinking away. Then drunk bike riding with the kids. All the while knowing that their is nothing you can really due about this. I feel for you.
Good for you in talking to your solicitor and getting things written down. Keep being strong and keep looking after yourself.
He has diffidently crossed boundaries with his action. You just wanted a nice relaxing trip away and he finds out that your not home. Sitting in your yard in a lawn chair drinking away. Then drunk bike riding with the kids. All the while knowing that their is nothing you can really due about this. I feel for you.
Good for you in talking to your solicitor and getting things written down. Keep being strong and keep looking after yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Buttons I am so sorry he continues to ignore your wishes and invades your space at the first opportunity.
It may be time to have a talk with the kids about your space and their father's space, and how everyone should respect each other's space. As long as you are in charge of your home, then your rules must apply. They can see their father in his space, should he ever manage to create one.
It may be time to have a talk with the kids about your space and their father's space, and how everyone should respect each other's space. As long as you are in charge of your home, then your rules must apply. They can see their father in his space, should he ever manage to create one.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by advbike
Well, I'm a guy, but from my perspective, maybe he just wanted to see the kids? And knew if you weren't there it would be his chance. I understand you set a boundary but obviously that involves a lot more hassle for him to get them to his place. And alcoholics hate rules. Maybe it was just simple matter of the easiest route to seeing them, not necessarily trying to ruin your holiday. It does sound like they had fun.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi RB, good to hear from you (sorry the circumstances aren't great for you!).
I don't think it's weak to have the solicitor write, I think that's absolutely the right thing to do. Your words, apparently, hold no weight with him so you really have no choice other than to get the law involved.
Yes, if he was so "desperate" to see the kids when you were away he could have arranged it, met them at your house and biked to his house 10 minutes away!
I'm sorry he can't seem to stick to some incredibly simple rules.
I don't think it's weak to have the solicitor write, I think that's absolutely the right thing to do. Your words, apparently, hold no weight with him so you really have no choice other than to get the law involved.
Yes, if he was so "desperate" to see the kids when you were away he could have arranged it, met them at your house and biked to his house 10 minutes away!
I'm sorry he can't seem to stick to some incredibly simple rules.
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Originally Posted by advbike
Well, I'm a guy, but from my perspective, maybe he just wanted to see the kids? And knew if you weren't there it would be his chance. I understand you set a boundary but obviously that involves a lot more hassle for him to get them to his place. And alcoholics hate rules. Maybe it was just simple matter of the easiest route to seeing them, not necessarily trying to ruin your holiday. It does sound like they had fun.
Moving On
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by advbike
Well, I'm a guy, but from my perspective, maybe he just wanted to see the kids? And knew if you weren't there it would be his chance. I understand you set a boundary but obviously that involves a lot more hassle for him to get them to his place. And alcoholics hate rules. Maybe it was just simple matter of the easiest route to seeing them, not necessarily trying to ruin your holiday. It does sound like they had fun.
Your comment was ridiculous. And it sounds like you either are in active addiction or a kid with no manners.
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No, of course it doesn't give him permission. What he did was wrong. Like I said, alcoholics don't like rules. But they do still love their kids.
I guess what I took exception to was the statement that he did it 100% to ruin her time away. Which implies he really had no interest in spending time with the kids. I rather doubt that as apparently they all had a fun time, despite completely going about it the wrong way. It just seemed motives were being ascribed to him that might or might not have been the case, that's all. But I don't know the man.
I'm sorry I should probably not have commented. I only pop in here and read because of my own codependency and dysfunctional pattern of caregiving and supporting/enabling others (lack of boundaries and ability to say no) but clearly there is a specific intention here. I have offered support previously but apologize and will stay out.
I guess what I took exception to was the statement that he did it 100% to ruin her time away. Which implies he really had no interest in spending time with the kids. I rather doubt that as apparently they all had a fun time, despite completely going about it the wrong way. It just seemed motives were being ascribed to him that might or might not have been the case, that's all. But I don't know the man.
I'm sorry I should probably not have commented. I only pop in here and read because of my own codependency and dysfunctional pattern of caregiving and supporting/enabling others (lack of boundaries and ability to say no) but clearly there is a specific intention here. I have offered support previously but apologize and will stay out.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by advbike
No, of course it doesn't give him permission. What he did was wrong. Like I said, alcoholics don't like rules. But they do still love their kids.
I guess what I took exception to was the statement that he did it 100% to ruin her time away. Which implies he really had no interest in spending time with the kids. I rather doubt that as apparently they all had a fun time, despite completely going about it the wrong way. It just seemed motives were being ascribed to him that might or might not have been the case, that's all. But I don't know the man.
I'm sorry I should probably not have commented. I only pop in here and read because of my own codependency and dysfunctional pattern of caregiving and supporting others (lack of boundaries) but clearly there is a specific intention here. I have offered support previously but apologize and will stay out.
I guess what I took exception to was the statement that he did it 100% to ruin her time away. Which implies he really had no interest in spending time with the kids. I rather doubt that as apparently they all had a fun time, despite completely going about it the wrong way. It just seemed motives were being ascribed to him that might or might not have been the case, that's all. But I don't know the man.
I'm sorry I should probably not have commented. I only pop in here and read because of my own codependency and dysfunctional pattern of caregiving and supporting others (lack of boundaries) but clearly there is a specific intention here. I have offered support previously but apologize and will stay out.
He loves his kids but he loves drink more.
He only had a fun time because he was drinking.
The youngest two kids had a fun time because Dad was giving them the attention they crave from
him that they so lack the majority of the time. the eldest two didn’t because they have had more experience with his mood swings and were on edge.
Pity he can’t have a fun afternoon with them sober. Or more often. In fact in the two years since we split he’s not spend more than a couple of hours with them at a time despite thousands of promises to do fun stuff with them like camping, fishing, walking etc all promised when he’s in his drunken rose tinted haze. I wanted nothing more than for my children to have a Dad that did all those things with them trust me!! It’s heartbreaking to hear them all enthused about all the exciting bike rides he’s just promised them this summer. It won’t happen.
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It is sooo hard to know all of the intentions of another person---especially, a drunk person, who is functioning impulsively with only a part of their frontal lobe in function---the part where executive functions are Supposed to reside. It is like "I want what I want and I want it now--and I am going to take it. The Cat is away and I am going to play---and, by the way, Screw the Cat!, Sounds like he Does like to play with the kids---especially in an easy setup. Sounds like a merging of several motives, to me.
Buttons---what I see as the important thing here, is how you handled this less than stellar event. The way I see it---you handled it with a cool head and, thus, avoided some unnecessary drama and turmoil---and this is an advantage for the kids. I soo remember a point that was made in on of my courses on family and marriage---it was said, that through evaluations on the statistics on divorce---that, while divorce does have an effect on the kids---that ;most (bout 70 percent) can adjust to the change in about two years without serious lasting damage. ***As long as the parents are not dragging the kids into the fighting*** The worst damage is done by the ongoing open conflict between the parents, Thus, for about 30 percent, where the parents are fighting...the kids carry the damage into their own lives.
In this case, it seems like the kids had fun---while it burned your grits---but, you were able to put the welfare of the kids first.
I say Congrats to you for that.
I think having the warning letter written is a good move.
And, I agree that the less contact and exchange between the two of you---the better.
A "rule" for dealing with a narcissistic individual----"Keep your cool ;and never---never---let them see you sweat." They love to see you upset and off balance.
Sigh---the thing about kids is that they love and harbor secret love desires about their parent(s)----Even if that parent is the Bane of our own very existence.
I sure remember this from the divorce between me and my kids' father. lol...so many times, I bit my tongue that it is amazing that I had any tongue left.
All in all, I am glad that no one got hurt, that day.
Buttons---what I see as the important thing here, is how you handled this less than stellar event. The way I see it---you handled it with a cool head and, thus, avoided some unnecessary drama and turmoil---and this is an advantage for the kids. I soo remember a point that was made in on of my courses on family and marriage---it was said, that through evaluations on the statistics on divorce---that, while divorce does have an effect on the kids---that ;most (bout 70 percent) can adjust to the change in about two years without serious lasting damage. ***As long as the parents are not dragging the kids into the fighting*** The worst damage is done by the ongoing open conflict between the parents, Thus, for about 30 percent, where the parents are fighting...the kids carry the damage into their own lives.
In this case, it seems like the kids had fun---while it burned your grits---but, you were able to put the welfare of the kids first.
I say Congrats to you for that.
I think having the warning letter written is a good move.
And, I agree that the less contact and exchange between the two of you---the better.
A "rule" for dealing with a narcissistic individual----"Keep your cool ;and never---never---let them see you sweat." They love to see you upset and off balance.
Sigh---the thing about kids is that they love and harbor secret love desires about their parent(s)----Even if that parent is the Bane of our own very existence.
I sure remember this from the divorce between me and my kids' father. lol...so many times, I bit my tongue that it is amazing that I had any tongue left.
All in all, I am glad that no one got hurt, that day.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons
everyone’s opinion is valued - I think it would help your own healing to see how it’s not always beneficial to see things through the alcoholics eyes and the benefit of the doubt is what gets us codependents into trouble.
He loves his kids but he loves drink more.
He only had a fun time because he was drinking.
The youngest two kids had a fun time because Dad was giving them the attention they crave from
him that they so lack the majority of the time. the eldest two didn’t because they have had more experience with his mood swings and were on edge.
Pity he can’t have a fun afternoon with them sober. Or more often. In fact in the two years since we split he’s not spend more than a couple of hours with them at a time despite thousands of promises to do fun stuff with them like camping, fishing, walking etc all promised when he’s in his drunken rose tinted haze. I wanted nothing more than for my children to have a Dad that did all those things with them trust me!! It’s heartbreaking to hear them all enthused about all the exciting bike rides he’s just promised them this summer. It won’t happen.
He loves his kids but he loves drink more.
He only had a fun time because he was drinking.
The youngest two kids had a fun time because Dad was giving them the attention they crave from
him that they so lack the majority of the time. the eldest two didn’t because they have had more experience with his mood swings and were on edge.
Pity he can’t have a fun afternoon with them sober. Or more often. In fact in the two years since we split he’s not spend more than a couple of hours with them at a time despite thousands of promises to do fun stuff with them like camping, fishing, walking etc all promised when he’s in his drunken rose tinted haze. I wanted nothing more than for my children to have a Dad that did all those things with them trust me!! It’s heartbreaking to hear them all enthused about all the exciting bike rides he’s just promised them this summer. It won’t happen.
Sorry again for the insensitive comment. My best to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
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I think the point advbike brought up is a fair one, in that it's impossible to know the intentions of sometime else completely. I'm sure wanting to see his kids was a part of his actions.
That said, I also there's just too many other things going on simultaneously for it to feel like just that. The timing with your break, and the fact he never tried to enter the house to "check with you" or some such nonsense clearly shows he knew you weren't there. That's the crappy part of dealing with an addict and/or abuser. They thrive in those benefit of the doubt situations. The fact that this one action causes you so much hurt and turmoil, but has such an easy hill to fall back on ("oh you're just trying to keep me from the kids!" etc) speaks to more ill intentions. I hope you're able to get through your divorce smoothly.
That said, I also there's just too many other things going on simultaneously for it to feel like just that. The timing with your break, and the fact he never tried to enter the house to "check with you" or some such nonsense clearly shows he knew you weren't there. That's the crappy part of dealing with an addict and/or abuser. They thrive in those benefit of the doubt situations. The fact that this one action causes you so much hurt and turmoil, but has such an easy hill to fall back on ("oh you're just trying to keep me from the kids!" etc) speaks to more ill intentions. I hope you're able to get through your divorce smoothly.
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