It’s going to hurt… get ok with it.
 

Something I thought about today. After I got amazing feedback (thank you all) from my earlier post today. It’s going to hurt I can’t avoid it. I will have to go through the pain … I can’t avoid it. Not if I want to get to the other side of this and learn and heal why I was ok with an AH to begin with. It’s going to hurt. If he’s blocked it will hurt to never hear from him… it’s going to hurt… if he reaches out but doesn’t give me any sense of acknowledging what he did caused an extreme about of pain and damage. It’s going to hurt… even if he shows up at my door and says everything I need and want to hear because I can’t unknow what I now know… it’s going to hurt if he gets sober cause I will feel like great someone is going to get the best version of him and I will have felt like I missed out. It’s going to hurt if he stays drinking cause I will know the envitable pain my step kids will go through. It’s just GOING to ******* hurt. There is no way out of the anxiety. There is no way to ignore that this has happened. I physically and mentally don’t have the strength to put on the show anymore anyway. This sucks and it’s hurts and it’s going to suck and hurt until it doesn’t anymore. There will be things I’m sure for a long time that remind me of him. Shows we watched together, my cat crying and looking for him, when I see those Orange safety shirts (he was an electrician), when I hear the work Tennessee (that’s were he went when he left me), there will be triggers all. The. Time. I can’t avoid them. I can’t temper them. I have to just know it will hurt. And then one day it won’t anymore.

You're right. All of it. As people with some emotional maturity and intelligence, we know that we have to feel it, acknowledge it, learn from it, and let it go. And attempt to live each moment and allow ourselves a bit of grace.

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you. The waves of crippling anxiety are brutal. I just know I won’t always feel this way

I am FEELING this today. I have been feeling paralyzed because I can’t decide what hurts less for me, and therefore I can’t decide what to do. So I just keep… floating. And feeling. And hoping for the best.

Churchill knew a little about going through hell, as someone who struggled lifelong with depression and guided England through WWII...

https://i.postimg.cc/VvrK3C5Y/61g5zw-Wmy7-L-AC.jpg

This is so well put Kaya. Yep it will hurt way more and way longer than you want. We wish it wasn't this way but it is.

After going through my own pain, decades ago, I don't judge people who stay in shite relationships; the pain of leaving is just too dang intense.

I think that the feeling of abandonment---fear of being alone---without no trusted others to have one's back---is responsible for a lot of the paralyzing pain. Maybe, not the sole reason, but a large parcel of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRfZzPU_v5s

This was certainly the case for me. Very early in my life, I got the feeling that nobody was really driving the bus, nobody was looking out for me, nobody could truly be trusted. I never really made friends, plural--always wanted just ONE person who would be everything to me and never let me down. I wanted a Siamese twin who was also a clairvoyant pit bull, who would always protect me and was always there but who would never disagree with me. Does that sound like a healthy sort of relationship to want? Yikes!

And yes, what dandy said was EXACTLY my situation. Things have changed a lot, and I've gained so much freedom in my recovery, but that first year alone was so hard and so frightening. Keep on taking it one day at a time, even if all you accomplish on a given day is to get up, go to work, come home and go to bed again. Those single days will start to add up, and you WILL feel better. You'll feel more secure in yourself and more confident that you'll find solutions to your problems and answers to your questions. You really will be stronger and happier. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^this!













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